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esb's picture

Submitted by esb on Fri, 03/19/2010 - 11:23pm

So I feel I need some help...a step parent support group, therapist, ect. However I'm from a rural area so those type of services are not available. I have been married for 2 years (my first) and I have no children of my own and a 10 year old step daughter. Her father and I have been together since she was 6 years old. She is a great child and I adore her. I would take care of her full time if I could. She goes through phases were all she wants is her mom (whom at times is gone for 7-8 days with boyfriend). Then sometimes she's fine staying here for weeks at a time. I'm having trouble with the up and down of emotions. Like tonight for example at her birthday party. My husband and I did everything, brought everything, paid for everything, ect. Her mom of course shows up 30 minutes late to her party. My stepdaughter cries after her wanting to go home with after the party, I just don't get it. We are the one's that kill ourself working everyday, buying everything, paying for soccer, cheerleading, ect. She never works, sleeps all day, can barely get her to school, has no money, and lives off the government. Yet we never get any credit. My cousin said to me tonight that no matter what I did I'm not her mother. I replied by saying that I would be fine being on the back burner, just being the stepmother but I can't. I can't because I know she's going to show up late for parties, let her miss tons of school,and so on and so on. She forces me everyday to over step my bounds. She actually calls me to talk to the child when she can't handle her behavior. I just want her to be content when she's here and content when she's with her mom. I don't think that's to much to ask for. Latley I find myself not wanting to be a step parent. I want a baby more than anything, yet the last couple of days I've been thinking I've got all I can handle. I don't know what to do.

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soverysad's picture

Submitted by soverysad on Sat, 03/20/2010 - 8:05am

Kids crave the love they aren't getting. I'm sure this child loves you and her father, but she knows you love her back and doesn't have to work at getting that love. She wants to be wanted by her mother. To be accepted. To feel loved. Maybe try talking to her about it when she is calm. My mother used to get annoyed when my niece (5) used to cry or get strange about her mom when they had her on weekends (my brother passed away and my parents have court ordered visitation). One day I was there and I just took her in my lap (she was 3 at the time)and said "you miss your mommy, huh?" she said yes and I said "Well, that's ok. You miss gramma and poppy when you're with mommy too, right?" Again "yes." I just said "That is because you love people. And I bet mommy misses you too". She hasn't had an issue since and that was 2 years ago. Maybe try to validate her feelings with "I know you wish you got to see mommy more often, but I know she loves you and I know you love her and that is what is important".

"A pessimist complains about the wind, an optimist counts on the wind changing, a realist adjusts his sails"

jojo68's picture

Submitted by jojo68 on Sat, 03/20/2010 - 8:28am

I have the opposite problem. Because of the way my BF daughter (almost 10) has been raised, she equates love with getting things and going places. Whomever buys her the most is the one who loves her most in her eyes. Her mom is not able to do that so she rarely ever wants to see her. The only reason she goes to her mom's is to play with her 1/2 sister when she gets bored and then she only stays for a couple hours and then is crying to come home when she gets bored there. I think that deep down she is starved for her mother's attention and the way she compensates is to either be very clingy to her father or to me. She tells me that I am her mother now and I correct her because that simply is not right. Her mother doesn't seem to care if she comes to see her or not. As a mother, I can't even fathom that but different strokes for different folks. I told my boyfriend that he better hope that BM doesn't come into some money one day cause he is going to be devastated at the results. JMO

coySM's picture

Submitted by coySM on Sun, 03/21/2010 - 2:10am

I agree with sovery. we had the same problem and same age and the mom was always more concerned about her BF. when SD came over (every weekend) she would be sad. my DH finally sat her down and said exactly what sovery said. he said "I know you miss your mom when you are here and that is on. I know you miss us when you are with your mom. it's all ok and we all love you."