Step-parenting has changed me
and not for the better. I could blame my harsh and negative attitude towards step-parenting on the hormones. But I think these times only intensify what I already feel. Lately, SO has been on a roller coaster of emotions regarding his impending court date which might mean him paying BM over $800 a month untill his loser daughter is 23. Shes almost 20 now. This bums him out.
The conversation started getting intense as I often find myself thinking, why am i putting in such effort into losers and such- seriously, i have more things to focus on, but the incessant bs never ends. At any rate, I was a bit of a douche today, we got onto the topic of loser daughter and discussing how the judge struck down his request into her income and present bank accounts,(SOs lawyer advised him that this would establish independence and would mean loser would no longer get CS). Loser worked 2 jobs, one was an alleged cash job bussing and the other was as a cashier. SO wants to F-up BM in taxes and he actually can because he wouldnt be lying.
My douche moment- I said to him well why dont you report your daughters cash job to the tax department- wrong thing to say I know. I told him that his daughter has no problem screwing you over,loser is deliberately taking and failing classes to delay her highschool graduation(loser has taken an extra 3 years to finish highschool- which sould be done in 4 years not 7) so SOs CS obligation will continue into her mid-20s, she showed up to court with BM, is colluding with BM, quit her job deliberately to establish Social Anxiety Disorder- she is trash- I didnt say to him she was trash, but boy I wanted too. I did however call him delusional.
I realized what I had said and in that moment I told him you know what, that was wrong. I need to distance myself from this situation because they induce such anger inside of me. I am wondering what the f I was thinking getting involved in this situation. It is a total nightmare.
But as usual blood is thicker than water, delusion is clearer than reality. Maybe I am even a bit delusional myself. In SOs words, "Loser is still his daughter".
This experience has changed me for the worse not better, Im not on the point of rage but I am daily hitting the imaginary "IDGAF" Button, because ive checked out. Obviously not enough because they still can incite such hostility inside me.
Seriously, its like this weird psychic energy whenever they call I get this anxious feeling, really uncomfortable, sure enough within a few hours or the next day, one of the trainwrecks call.
I have seriosuly contemplated ending things, we share a 3 year old- so it would be like being a single parent for the 2nd time again(having done it before, its not as bad) his children bring nothing but misery into the situation, he will always take their calls, or secret calls as he says, the only time they call is for money or when there is problem... other than that seriously we dont hear from them.
He doesnt treat me bad, but I dont want to live in delusion land with trainwrecks that never stop messing things up. Maybe im selfish, but I dont think I am meant to share someone with another family I share nothing with and are half evil because of the BM...it seems her side of the genes have prevailed.
Maybe things will get better but im getting the feeling things will never change and they will always be trainwrecks.