I am really freaked out by my psycho step children

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I am really freaked out by my stepchildren, a 46 year old stepson and a 44 year old stepdaughter. They both have personality disorders with delusional features, are both being treated for multiple psych issues, and they are having delusions and threatening me, their stepmother and their step siblings. My husband is doing nothing about it, is not protective of me, and browbeats me. DH's son sent his stepsister a threatening message saying he was 'very very pissed off that her husband has not hired him', and that he blames me for my daughter's husband 'not hiring him'. Seriously, my daughter's husband does not owe his indigent brother in law a job, but he did offer him one, except SS refused, saying he 'couldn't work that day' and so his brother in law did not ask again. Opportunity only knocks once, but his threatening messages indicates he blames me, and feels I must have told my son in law not to hire him.

My husband is not being protective, and when he read the message his son sent to my daughter, he wasn't angry with his son, he was angry with me, and started yelling at me. I said, "Why are you yelling at me? I haven't done anything! You need to stop yelling at me." He said, "No, I'm not going to stop yelling at you, you are over-reacting, you have no right to be anxious, and I'm very angry with you." He has no reason to be angry with me, I had nothing to do with his son's indigence, nor his son's inability find a job. And we've been giving my SS money, against my better judgement, but without any complaint from me. Today, my husband threatened to leave me, again, because his children hate me. He has made that threat every day for the last 25 years. I have often told him, love me or leave me, but please don't plan to torture me till the day I die. DH will not protect me from his psycho step children, he will not even place his anger where it belongs.

My stepdaughter also has delusions. She is apoplectic because she claims that 10 years ago, when her daughter was 6 years old, the child had a temper tantrum, and I supposedly told the child, "I will ignore you when you are acting this way." What a horrible, unforgivable thing to say, huh? Yeah. So, DH and I have been in therapy for a year in advance of moving near our adult children, his and mine. I didn't want to move near them, because I knew they would put me through hell, and they are. But DH went to therapy with me and made a contract with me, stating that I would be his priority. I said, "But Honey, I've never been your priority!" He said, "Well, you are now!" But no, I'm not. He spends every day browbeating me and demeaning me because of his children's rampant delusions. Our contract says that I don't ever have to see his children again if I don't want to, but I did not refuse to see them. His daughter called me horrible names for telling her tamtrum having six year old, ten years ago, that I would ignore her, and then stormed out, telling her father she'd never be back, because 'he chose badly' and 'shouldn't be staying married to me.' Both of his kids always threaten to abandon him when he won't let them control him, by which I mean, tell him to leave me. Now he says he 'has to be angry' with me and 'has to punish me' because 'his children won't come here' and he calls that 'getting my way' ignoring the fact that in the contract we came up with in counseling it was agreed that if I would move here with him, he would defend my right to never see his crazy kids again. But he's not.

Not all of my stepchildren's delusions revolve around me, they have delusions about everybody in their life, and have never stayed married to anybody, or stayed friends with anybody for very long.

Calm down Hon..... breath

Calm down Hon..... breath now....

1. You are worrying about adult children, ignore them, block them from ever contacting you and ask your children to do the same, these evil toxic people is not your relations, block them... it's easy....

2. If they complain to Daddy about being block, smile and say, I decided to block them what I don't know will not destroy me and my children are adults, I can not tell them what to do

3. Call Dh's bluff if he tells you he's leaving you, smile, walk to the room and start packing for him... then tell him.. cherio, find a place to sleep tonight we can sort out the separation tomorrow, I'm not in the mood now for one of your idol empty threads,

Simply cut his children from your life, have nothing to do with them, ask your children not to come over to your house, go and see them every time if possible or they can pick you up, then you can tell DH - my kids does not feel welcome here thus yours is not welcome here, this is our house.. Never talk to his children or their children and stop getting them gifts...

Alternatively... go to a quiet corner, sit and think about your life, you are married to an emotional abuser, do you want to live like this for ever, or are you taking the opportunity to walk out next time he threatens to leave you, get your finances and ducks in a row....

Thanks for your reply. Yes,

Thanks for your reply. Yes, I think it's emotionally abusive too. Yes, I've told him to go ahead and leave, or not leave, but stop talking about it. That doesn't help. He only yells and tells me I should leave. I have no intention of leavening. We have just spent 1/3 of our retirement moving here.

I have tried to distance myself from his children. I have not seen his son for 18 months, and then I only saw him for a few hours, one night when I prepared him a pleasant dinner.

My husband gives him our money, which is half mine, but I don't see the SS. SS doesn't want to see his father either. DH asks him to come over to get the money, SS tells him, 'just mail it, someday I'm going to piss on your grave in front of your precious wife!'

Before that I had not seen my SS for 10 years, and before that it was 10 years. Those were the good times! I have seen my SD for only an hour in the last 18 months, and she also was fulminating. When DH listens to her fulminating, he doesn't say anything to stand up for me, instead he tries to make her delusions sound viable. It's all just crazy. But now I worry my SS my be violent toward his stepsister and her husband and child.

read this adult forum....

read this adult forum.... look out for notasm and sammygirl...

they have the same step children and they are very good with adult steps being ignored lol.... she's driving me also experienced... my step brat is only 17... but I'm taking classes from these ladies how to handle it when Aergia is an adult

TY VM!

PS The psych step son is

PS The psych step son is indigent and dependent upon us financially, has a personality disorder, is off his meds, is always drunken, is out of control, we have given him a car, he has never had a good relationship with either of his parents, his wife, his children, or anybody as far as I can tell, but has voiced the grudge that all the failures of his life, and his sister's life, are my fault, even though they were both already grown, and flaming crazy, before I ever met them. DH and SS have never had a good relationship, but SS wants to blame it on me, even though I've probably only spent about 40 hours in his presence over the last 25 years. Just the same, DH doesn't tell SS, "No, we own our own relationship", no, he tells me, it is my fault. He can't tell me how it's my fault, just that he is so angry with me because his kids, 'have abandoned him because of me'. I have pointed out to him that if my kids hated him, they would still not abandon me. I just don't know what to do. This SS is a psycho with a car, a grudge and a gun. He has sent threatening messages, and I am alarmed. Instead of comforting me, DH is demeaning me for being anxious.

"I would trot down to the

"I would trot down to the police station with the threatening messages and see what could legally be done. "

Exactly.

Good call. I've been trying

Good call. I've been trying to trot down to the police station with the message, but DH has it on his phone and will neither forward it to me nor allow me to take his phone.

"dependent upon us

"dependent upon us financially"

next time you say financially dependent on his father... pull out all your money, and if not court ordered it's stupid, I would make sure there's no money for the idiot.... DH can be as angry as he wish but with ages given Dh should be on pension not supporting a lazy ass adult child with a wife and children.... just simply NO...

I hear you, you love your husband, or you think you do, but it's never to old to start over, make sure you do love him and he's not a habit and then call his bluff just once and pack his bags... he will back track so quick you will think the world is spinning....do not cave in Hon, let him sleep in a hotel that night, teach DH some lessons and ignore the children

I'm sorry but you clearly do

I'm sorry but you clearly do not understand what I am saying. I appreciate you trying to help, but my husband has no intention of leaving me, he just wants to threaten me with it every day, and I cannot make him leave. Yeah, I could pack his bags, but that wouldn't make him go. No, I'm not leaving. I no longer have the resources to leave him, if I ever did, we've spent so much money on the move, there is nothing much left, and I can't pay the mortgage without DH. Until today we owned two houses, one in Arizona, one in Florida, and he got me to sell my house and come here, saying he loved me, I would be his priority, he would protect me from his kids and I would never have to see them unless I wanted to. I have had nothing to say about whether or not I saw them, they have both refused to see me, yet, he blames me for that. Why did they refuse to see me? Delusions. Yes, we are retired, and live on Social Security, and our savings, which are rapidly being depleted by the skids, but I think that's their point, and their only plan in life.

More_Step_Child, I am so

More_Step_Child, I am so sorry for your situation, and you deserve a big hug for what you are going through! Unfortunately, there is no easy solution. You agreed to move because your husband stated he would put you first, which clearly he is not.

If you want to stay with DH, your only option really is disengagement. Have nothing to do with adult SKs, unless you want to, and continue to do so. AND, one thing you can do is control your own thoughts, or at least try to. Do not let DH browbeat you into thinking that this has anything to do with you, because it absolutely doesn't.

Financially, I'm not sure what can be done. I am unsure of how assets are divided, but I know others here may have suggestions.

Unfortunately, I have seen this before where DHs get their wives to move or go to yet another big family event, etc., all with the promise of "it'll be different this time." It rarely is. I heard once, the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior, regardless of any promises that may be made. This mantra is specifically one for step-parents to take to heart.

I especially feel bad because you even went to counseling for a while to try to make sure if you go, things would go smoothly, and they didn't, at all. Might I suggest you re-contact this counselor and see what suggestions he or she may now have re: your situation? If anything, this will let the counselor know that even he/she was duped.

Main point: Go about your business/day and avoid these adult kids. You did nothing wrong.

Thank you so much for a very

Thank you so much for a very sensible post. And thanks for the hug. I so needed that. And here's a hug back for you. Thank you.

We posted more or less the

We posted more or less the same time.... and I get your husband is just barking.... mine did it as well for a couple off years till I called his bluff packed bags and I moved out..... only because I had a house in the same town,

SO never did that ever again and never blamed me for the things his daughter says or do, he actually started telling her to cut it out, she will not break us up.... I still have not moved back and it's been 4 years, but it was easy for me cause we are not legally married and not even common law any more cause I moved out...my precious step brat is only 17 now....

I think you are doing a great

I think you are doing a great job, and please, don't back down. Don't try to put up with it, don't let them get away with it. You are smart not to be married to him, and not to be mixing money with him. You won't end up in my position. I'm old, on oxygen and unable to work. If I had it to do over again, I would never start with this man. Yeah, I love him, and he's got many extraordinarily fine characteristics, but he's totally unable to admit his kids are not tethered to reality, and totally unable to be angry with them. I mean, the stepson sends his stepsister a hateful email, which she forwards to us. I am not even involved, and DH thinks it's me he should be mad at. Clearly, even big-brained men with hero complexes are completely idiotic when faced with realizing their kids are failures as humans. Who to blame it on? Who? You are right, don't let it be you.

" I mean, the stepson sends

" I mean, the stepson sends his stepsister a hateful email, which she forwards to us. I am not even involved, and DH thinks it's me he should be mad at. "

But you are involved. You allowed your daughter to involve you, then you ran and involved your husband. Your daughter is a big girl. So is her husband. If SS is truly a threat and/or harassing them, they can go the legal route to put a stop to it. What is your husband going to do with a nutty son with a grudge who drinks and has a gun? You mentioned above 'comfort' you. Seriously? If a "there, there now, honey, I know SS is a horrible man and he's so wrong to blame you" really gonna cut it?

You are also involved in the enabling of SS. Your/our money. Your husband is willfully handing over everything DH and you worked all your lives for to his son. You need a lawyer and financial adviser to put a stop to that one. When DH has given all the money away, do you really think SS is going to take you two in and care for you in your declining years? No. SS will not. You did a lawyer to help you set a way to block off too much excess cash so DH doesn't have access to more than small amounts at a time. Amounts he needs for the two of you to go month to month with none available to pull out at whim. An allowance , in a way.

No, I did not allow my

No, I did not allow my daughter to involve me, and then run to my husband. Quite the contrary, the daughter felt scared and threatened by her stepbrother's email, and sent it to her stepfather, seeking his protection. It was actually a 'voice text'. My daughter forwarded it to her stepfather, who is my husband. My husband played it to me. I said I felt threatened by it, especially the part where my stepson says, (and mind you, I haven't even seen or spoken to him in a year and a half, and not for ten years before that) he says, "I am very pissed off that your husband didn't hire me, probably because of your mother (the phrase 'your mother' was spit out particularly venomously). My daughter felt threatened, she went to her stepfather, the man who raised her since she was 8 years old, for protection. His only response was to be angry with me for also feeling threatened. He doesn't like to feel anger at his children, or his stepchildren either. It's easier for him to be angry with me, even though as I said, I had nothing to do with it, except to be afraid about it. DH loves my children, he helped me raise the two youngest, and they love him. But they don't have any personality disorders, as his children do. DH is perfectly comfortable making me the issue, that's very safe for him, but it's not safe for him to understand that his son's complaints are delusional. I think my daughter and I both need restraining orders against the SS. The SS has a personality disorder with delusional features, he has a car, which we gave him, and he's off his psych meds, and he's drunk, and he's got a stated grudge, and a gun, and he knows where we all live. My daughter was intimidated for a reason. I'm sure intimidation was his entire intention when he sent that voice text. He got everybody upset, DH, me, all the kids, all their husbands and children, and that was his intention. I feel so sorry for my husband, he's totally in hell because of who his kids turned out to be. I remember when I first met him, he told me, his 'biggest disappointment in his life was his kids'. Now I understand why.

Did Dh inform his SD to take

Did Dh inform his SD to take the voice text immediately down to the police station?

No, he didn't tell her what

No, he didn't tell her what to do. She hung up after listening to him yelling at me for a while. He forwarded his son's voice message to his daughter. In other words, he told his daughter on his son. The daughter texted back, "What can I tell you Dad? Your son is a very deranged man. Tell my sister to block him on her phone." Then she also texted her much younger stepsister and told her she should block her brother on her phone. Which was good, she recognizes that her brother is crazy, but the part that escapes her, is that she is just as crazy. To DH I said, "well, if you don't think we should get a restraining order, what do you think we should do?" He said, "Nothing! You are being irrational!" I said, "Show me where I'm being irrational? Your son has psych issues, a car, a grudge and a gun. Sometimes people who fit that description shoot people. What did I say that isn't true?" He yelled and screamed at me for hours that I was irrational and said he's going to leave me (if only, if only). Am I irrational do you think? DH says, "Yes, that happens, but no more often then 65 year old women give birth." Oh, really, I beg to differ. My husband is a PA and he knows how absurd that statement is. I think the problem here is that everyone is trying to give me a rational answer to an irrational situation. There is crazy involved, and crazy just doesn't make sense. My husband has been a hero every day of his life, and he is the only reason I live, but I tell you, even heroes have feet of clay. The stepson is also angry that his father won't 'just mail' him money, but insists upon meeting with him to give him money. He yells at his father, 'just mail it, I'll piss on your grave!' and then he blocked his father from his cell phone. So his father can't even text him and tell him to knock it off. We'll hear from him when he really must have some more money. And it's really kind of mean of you to think it's asking too much that my husband should comfort me if his son causes me anxiety. Yeah, I think he should. I think a hug and "It will be okay honey" would have worked better, yeah.

The goal isn't/wasn't "to be

The goal isn't/wasn't "to be mean". However, if someone's threatening you , and person is unstable (as you say SS is) and has the means to carry out the threat (as you keep saying grudge, car, gun), why spend all afternoon fighting with husband and passing a voice mail around.

Would a 'hug' stop a bullet? If your life or your children's are truly being threatened and endangered my first thought would not be to get a 'hug' from my husband and fight. Nope. If DH doesn't take any of this seriously, you act on your own. DO you need your husband's permission and agreement to protect you and/or your children?

I'm sorry if you think I'm mean, but you're blowing off and excusing everything and anything as if you yourself don't actually take what you're telling *us* seriously. Ok...your SS is off his meds, a drunk, has grudge, car and gun is threatening his family and if he doesn't kill them all he will manage to snag all their retirement income.

well, I hope you get a hug and the rest of your day improves *shrugs*

No, a hug wouldn't stop a

No, a hug wouldn't stop a bullet, but it would say he has some empathy for me, something much lacking in our marriage, but only where empathy for me intersects with empathy for his kids. He's in hell. He knows his kids are crazy, but he can't bring himself to admit it. Safer to rail at me. And I hope I get a hug too, and maybe some referrals for a marriage and family counselor who isn't all about Jesus in Florida, which is all about Jesus. And I hope I get some referrals for a really good lawyer, if all else fails. Or some kindness from strangers. Sorry to have bothered you. I hope you get a hug and a really good day, too. *Shurgs* and *weeps*, thanks for all the fishes.

Whaaaaaat?? I've been to

Whaaaaaat?? I've been to quite a few therapists and NOT ONE has been "all about Jesus". However, you don't know until you go.

Faith based therapists are

Faith based therapists are all about the goal of keeping you in the religion and marriage that you are currently in. In my first marriage I was told by a certified college degreed counselor of our religion that I needed to be supportive of my husband and make our home (that had 2 energetic toddlers) a place of peace so that he wouldn't get mad and physically/emotionally abuse me. The marriage and his behavior was entirely on my shoulders.

If OP is looking for therapists through her religion then there will be no help except to put her in her place and keep the original family intact. Be very careful when looking for professional help; do your research on them and vet, vet, vet!

I've never been to a

I've never been to a faith-based therapist. I would hope they're getting to be "more with the times" and counsel the poopy, verbally abusive jerk. However, IMHO, any therapist that tells you to stay in this kind of situation is a jerkwad.

And you sound like somebody

And you sound like somebody who just wants to say, "They can be found" even though you have never tried. No, they haven't been found, yet, in 45 days of searching, and this was part of the search. Thanks for all your sensitive insight, of which there was none.

Both his children and mine

Both his children and mine live in Orlando. My son in law is struggling to bring home a paycheck himself, sometimes he can't draw pay because there is none left after he pays his crews. Just the same, he did offer my SS work, because his crew was short, but SS refused, and now resents that he doesn't work. I'm afraid half of our assets will not buy me anyplace to live. It's a shame I just sold my Arizona house yesterday morning, before the dreaded text. That is where I could have afforded to live. Yes, I told the man it wasn't worth it to me, that I wanted a divorce and he begged me not to throw away all our years together and all we've meant to each other. Then he went to therapy and promised me it was never going to be that way again. But it is. Yeah, I believed him because I'm a romantic, there's not much left of my life to gamble and I love him dearly. He's not just an ahole, he's also a hero, in every sense of the word, every day of his life. And he's funny, and he loves me, and my children have begged me not to leave him. Their father died when they were very young and DH finished raising them with much love and affection. They say they fear losing their stepfather. I assured them that he would be divorcing me, not them, but they say that's not true, that it would change their lives irreparably. So, I said to my daughters, both now in their 30's, "Do you mean you want us to stay together for the children? And here I thought we were just staying together for the dogs!" Yeah, it's ludicrous. And I already told DH he can keep both dogs, I can't afford to feed them. Yeah, I believed him when he said he loved me, and when he promised me I never had to see the skids again. Yeah.

The proceeds are promised to

The proceeds are promised to appear in our joint account on Monday. DH is saying he will take it all and hide it. I told him not to bother, just take it all and get gone. I have an appointment on Monday with a lawyer in Florida and one tomorrow with a lawyer in Arizona. I don't know where I'm better off.

I certainly will tell my

I certainly will tell my lawyer where all the money was, before he moved it, I have saved the statements, and I'll let the attorney know that DH said he would hide our assets, yes, of course I will. I also saved all DH's voice mail, where he answered me when I said, "You have all your stuff and your new house, I have my stuff and my house, let's just call it quits, I'll stay here, it's not worth it to me." So, the voice mails are all cajoling, apologetic, romantic, affectionate, and they are just some of the tools he employed to lure me here. When I am fortunate enough to hire a lawyer, I will tell him about all of that. I've got an appointment on Monday, but it's just a lawyer off of Google, a referral from somebody who has used that lawyer would seem better, but I don't have that.

Yeah, actually, they do.

Yeah, actually, they do. He's a hero to his kids, and a hero to all the people who were dying during his 45-year medical career, and DH saved their lives. And he saved a lot of neonates lives, because he spent 20 of those years in neonatology, making babies born dead take their first breath. There are a lot of people in this world who are grateful to him, I'm just not one of them, anymore, because, I finally see he isn't able to deal with the cognitive dissonance of having kids who are not tethered to reality. And during the last 25 years, I have seen many strangers come to him for help, free medical care, even financial help, and he has never refused anyone any kind of assistance. Yeah, he's been a hero every day of his life. He was a hero in Vietnam, where he was a medic, and made it through the war without killing anybody, was injured in combat, permanently disabled by the injury and decorated by the South Vietnamese government with the Cross of Chivalry, because they thought he was such a hero for founding a medical clinic for Vietnamese orphans in his spare time while he was there. So, yeah, heroes are aholes, sometimes too. But you're right, he wouldn't treat me like crap if he loved me, he's a hero to his kids because he loves them, and champions their delusions. But you're right, he obviously doesn't love me and I mistook him for an ethical person. For a very long time. Yeah. But there is nothing 'over achieving' about the skids. Neither of them have a person to call loved one, nor a penny of their own in the bank, nor any special accomplishments. They are the epitome of underachievers. I also wonder why DH won't face it, but I wish he's just go.

well, when you can beat that

well, when you can beat that list of heroic accomplishments, then you can.

Yep, time to call DH's bluff.

Yep, time to call DH's bluff. Next time he threatens to leave pick up your phone and call a locksmith to rekey the locks.

Then tell DH he has until the locksmith shows up to get his crap and leave.

Don't listen to his toxic rants and whining about your call to the locksmith. Make him live the consequences of his failure to be your equity life partner and to support you.

He can go live with his toxic crotch droppings.

Be done with him.

Yeah, Rags, it certainly

Yeah, Rags, it certainly crosses my mind. But it's too easy to dispense of other people's long marriages, at the end of their lives. It's not as easy if you are the other people, I feel I would have no interest in life without him. He's really all I care about. Does anybody live in Orlando? I need a recommendation to a good marriage counselor. We had a counselor in Flag, and he got DH to agree that his relationship with his kids is his own responsibility, and not mine, his and theirs, it's all on them, not me. He got DH to write that in a contract. If only I could get him to live up to this contract which he wrote in good faith, only three months ago. And he begged me to join him here, even though I told him I thought it would be better if he lived in Florida and I stayed in Arizona. He was all, "No, I need you, you are going to be my priority from now on, we have a contract." So I came. Really, we've quite run out of funds, especially since the stepson is using up some of our money.

But what I am really concerned about is that the SS has personality disorders, some booze, a stated grudge, a car and a gun. I think I need a restraining order, but DH wants to punish me for even feeling unsafe. I don't know, or really care, I am so flecking depressed and so tired of the crazy skids.

SS says he's suicidal. SD locks her own teenaged children out of her house, thinks helicopters are trying to observe her, thinks there are tracking devices implanted in her car, and she falls out of ceilings at 0300am because she's pretty sure her old boyfriends can't forget her and are spying on her from her attic. So when she goes to the attic to look for the old boyfriends who can't forget her, she falls through the ceiling and breaks her bones. I told DH, I am concerned for their safety too, they are so delusional, they are not safe in the world without a guardian. They should both be committed, but there are no mental health care services for the indigent, in Florida, as far as we can tell.

Yes, that was the first thing

Yes, that was the first thing I said too, that I wanted a restraining order. Therefore DH reserved all his anger for me, saying he was 'very angry with me for over reacting'. I didn't do anything. His son made a threat, which upset everybody in the family, DH, me, all three of our daughters and their husbands. But he directs his anger at me. Yes, I'd like to find a counselor. DH says he will go but I think I should maybe go by myself.

Cleaver, you seem awfully

Cleaver, you seem awfully invested in trashing me because I have a problem. I guess you would never have a problem, but it seems like there must be some other issue with you, this morning, that makes you so intent on wanting to trash me. What is your investment here?

OP, I do not believe that

OP, I do not believe that Clever is trashing you. I was thinking the same thing and saw that Clever wrote it.

Your steps "both have personality disorders with delusional features, are both being treated for multiple psych issues". Fact is, these are your DH's children. Regardless of the issues, many parents continue to support their children. Not all parents consider the job of parenting over when the child becomes an adult.

Your DH has misdirected his anger to you.
Your DH has threatened you for years to leave you. You said, "He has made that threat every day for the last 25 years."

EVERY DAY??? Crikey. I believe Clever is quite correct in suggesting that you need a personal therapist. Why is your self esteem so low that you have stayed with this man for 25 YEARS??

I know what it's like to be mentally abused. I lived it. I know what it's like to believe that I deserved to be treated like crap, threatened with being left. What did I do? Why, I strived to do BETTER so my husband would keep me!! My self esteem was non-existent.

I honestly believe that your self esteem is horribly low for you to stay in this relationship and ALLOW people to treat you like this. YOU need to believe that YOU deserve better. 25 years with someone who treats you like crap... well, it's not something to which anyone should aspire.

If you are really going to stay married to this man, you need to disengage from his children.

Let me get this straight...

Let me get this straight... you left Flag for Orlando? :? :jawdrop:

Why?

Northern AZ (and southern Utah) is my favorite place on the planet.

Disney is great but not that great.

I am sorry to hear that your DH has foregone your marriage and being your partner for his sadly mentally ill children.

Take care of you.

And I agree with Dancing.... that your Skids need to be made wards of the state. There are support systems available for protecting one's assets from batshit crazy family.

Yes, Flag is beautiful.

Yes, Flag is beautiful. Orlando is beautiful too, the planet is beautiful everywhere. I left there to be here with the man I have loved for a quarter of a century, and to be near all of our adult children, and our granchildren. I believed, but then, I have few other options. This is the man I spent my life with, because I wanted to, because I loved him, and it's just too depressing that he's totally willing to throw me under the bus for today's daily version of delusions. Yeah, they should be wards of the state, but instead, the SD lives mooching off the system, and the SS hasn't learned how to mooch off the system, so he mooches off of us. If there are any resources, I have not found them. I'd be very happy if anybody could make any recommendations for a therapist, because, in Florida, I tried to find us one, and he was all 'Jesus loves you and it's always about sex.' That's not going to cut it, we didn't go back to him. Clearly, Jesus doesn't give a damn, and it's all about skids.

I don't have any therapy

I don't have any therapy network in Florida.

However one of my childhood BFFs is a special needs advocate/special needs community center director in Florida. I will ping her for her advice on gaining access to help for your Skids and for recommendations for effective therapist in the Orlando area.

Thank you so very much! That

Thank you so very much! That is very kind of you!

Who was taking care of these

Who was taking care of these adult loons prior to you and DH moving to Florida a few month ago? You said you've seen SS like 40 hrs in 25yrs and that DH was living with you in AZ. How did these two people function for those 25yrs?

The SD lives off a pension

The SD lives off a pension from the Coast Guard, where she was retired early with full pay for psych issues. She is a very lovely, beautiful, funny woman, and her psych disabilities are not readily apparently. She makes friends with men very easily and always has many to choose from. She prefers a lifestyle which exceeds her Coast Guard pension, so she makes a lifestyle of marrying and divorcing. She is currently on her third husband, who she has been married to for one year and has already said she is divorcing, but then she changes her mind...so...probably but not yet. She married a wealthy man, who also has psych issues, but she felt since he was wealthy it was worth it anyway. The SS has had a 25-year high-powered career making upwards of $300K per year, as a 'cloud architect' until now. When you are a cloud architect, apparently big corporations will put up with a lot of your crazy for a long time and still give you a bonus. But they finally got tired of it and fired him. He spent all that money he made, faster than he made it, and has not a penny left. Spending like there is no tomorrow is very typical, I have read, of people who have bipolar disorder, as he does. To me, it's all BS, I am always totally in control of myself and I just don't get it when people claim they aren't. Yeah, so, call it bipolar and then act any way you please, and everybody will say it's not your fault. I feel that if they had sufficient character, they would stop making excuses for themselves and stop blaming everyone else for their errors. My son in law did not hire my stepson because he made the offer once and was refused. It is unreasonable for the stepson to think his brother in law owes him a job, regardless of how difficult he may be to deal with. My son in law is running a business, in a businesslike fashion. He doesn't hire problems, do you blame him? But my skids do not take responsibility for their own lives, they blame everybody else for everything. SS lost his job, his brother in law offered him a job, he didn't take it, and that's why he's not working for his brother in law, because of his own shortcomings, not mine.

My ILs have a similar "its

My ILs have a similar "its everyone else's fault" excuse based existence to your SS.

It does not matter what the situation is .. it is never the fault of members of my IL clan.

Getting fired because my FIL was the biggest PITA on his former employers staff though the employer readily recognized that my FIL was his best employee. Not my FIL's fault of course. It was the fault of the other 40 employees that my FIL could not get along with and the fault of the boss for being a coward and not firing the other 40 employees.

My MIL whines and moans about not being retired and how it is not fair that my wife has retired in her mid 30s and my MIL is still working in her mid 60s. No recognition that my wife is a graduate degreed CPA who has had a very successful career or that I am a graduate degreed international executive who earns enough that his wife does not have to work unless she wishes to. No recognition that she retired at 40 from the state, cashed out her retirement fund, and blew it in less than 2 years.

My MIL and FIL have had multiple foreclosures and bankruptcies over the years that were never their fault. "Its not fair, the bank would not work with me any more!", etc, etc, etc......

My SIL sounds just like my MIL and FIL.

BIL1 and his wife have finally learned from the multigenerational family mistakes and after a several year run of poor financial decisions, bankruptcy, etc.... they are now investing, have paid off their home, and are financially responsible.... for now.

My other BIL is post bankruptcy and seems to be figuring it out.

As for my MIL, FIL, and SIL and her husband.... nope. I have written them off as far as any hope that they will ever learn to be financially responsible or recognize that their situation is a product of their own decisions and lack of performance.

Do you know why the ADULT

Do you know why the ADULT children and your DH is blaming you?
Because you're the perfect scapegoat and you allow it.

Quite honestly I want to tell you to cut your losses and leave.
Pack your shit and run as far as you can from these people.

Your DH is never going to change or realize his adult children suffer from issues.
You're never going to be his top priority.

Actions speak louder then words.
RUN for your life.

My running days are over.

My running days are over. If I left, why would I take anything? For what?

Well, if you had read the

Well, if you had read the thread you would know I came here seeking advice and referrals to resources, such as counselors and attorneys, near my new home, or even, possibly near my old home, where I am still legally a resident. Why did you come here?

Or, misery loves company,

Or, misery loves company, marriage counseling didn't work for you so won't work for anybody? You are divorced and I should be too? That sort of thing, for instance? The skids feel the same way. They have divorced multiple times and it really annoys them that DH and I stay married for what seems to everybody like forever. But that's what I meant when I married him. Hey you know what, there are real problems here that should be dealt with, but that doesn't mean they can't be dealt with, and I asked for advice and resources, not additional criticism. Yes, I feel sorry for my husband, he has kids who are torturing him by being complete failures in every way in the world, and that is not my fault, and that is not under my control, and it's perfectly reasonable to ask for advice.

Cleaver, I don't have time to

Cleaver, I don't have time to get remarried. How old are you, 30? Yeah, I already spent my life with this man, and that's what I meant to do when I married him. No, I didn't know his kids had all these delusional psych issues, neither did he. And you actually seem kinda miserable. Jus' sayin'. For a happy person, you aren't very happy.

Why would you leave any of

Why would you leave any of stuff behind?!
I'm saying pack YOUR shit-if that means the kitchen utensils are yours-PACK THEM
the couches?! TAKE THEM
Anything in that house purchased by your money-goes with you.

Why are you staying with this man who is abusing you?!
He's obviously using you for some reason.....
if the house is yours-throw his shit out-change the locks.

If he's using your money-get him off your accounts-cancel his cards.

I would never stay with a man who treats me like this....
especially one who allows his kids to treat me the way your steps treat you.

You're an abused woman and don't even realize it.
I am going to pray for you to find your way out because this relationship is NOT healthy

Yeah, he just got up and I

Yeah, he just got up and I told him to leave. He didn't. He's yelling about how that's why he and his kids are so fed up with me, because, he says, I start it the moment he wakes. I told him again to leave, and I'm locked in the study. He's not going to leave. I must find a counselor, or a lawyer, or both. I hate Florida. There are no resources here. When SD went apoplectic upon my arrival, we tried to find a counselor, but so many are not even credentialed, and the rest want to give me Jesus. I'll tell you what, I'm at the end of my rope, and I don't want to hear anybody proselytize to me about the unknowable, because there is no information about the unknowable, it is all entirely intuitive, and nobody is more intuitive or better informed than I. Nobody has any better idea about the unknowable than I do, and if I'm not going to proselytize the unknowable to a counselor, I'm not going to pay for him to sermonize to me either. And as someone else pointed out, DH may be responding with some dementia, it's a shame to leave an old man when you love him, but yeah, he needs to go. That's why we did therapy in Flag, in advance of coming here. I told him it just wasn't worth it to me, and I wouldn't. So, he agreed to therapy, and made a contract reassuring me that our marriage would be his 'top priority', the ink is still wet.

Because you are more

Because you are more intuitive? You have never found yourself in a bad situation? Lucky you. Yeah, you aren't any more intuitive than I am and you don't know squat about religion and neither does anybody else. Miss the point much?

Nice deflection, as you like

Nice deflection, as you like to say. I reiterate you don't know squat about religion, and neither does anybody else. Have a nice day.

Nice deflection, as you like

Nice deflection, as you like to say. I reiterate you don't know squat about religion, and neither does anybody else. Have a nice day.

Nice deflection, as you like

Nice deflection, as you like to say. I reiterate you don't know squat about religion, and neither does anybody else. Have a nice day.

Yes, I really said that, and

Yes, I really said that, and instead of being snarky, if you know some resources, you might want to share them. I've been here 30 days. While still in Arizona I tried to find a psychiatrist for my SS, but couldn't. Upon my arrival I have tried to find counselors, but can't find a credentialed one who isn't a Jesus freak. Yes, Florida, home of retirees who have no services. Are you posting from an alternate dimension? It is unfortunate that I have a strong grasp of reality. I wish I could be posting from an alternate dimension but no, posting from Florida.

Angie's list? Seriously? I

Angie's list? Seriously? I just have no words for your snark. Angie's list means nothing to anybody, get real.

You should make up your mind.

You should make up your mind. First you say my life is misery and then you say it's comfortable. What do you know about it? Nothing. Why are you so invested in my life that you make multiple hostile posts? You might have some problems of your own, and I leave you to them.

Why would you think it might

Why would you think it might matter to me if you are 'smugly smirking'? Where could you possibly get the idea that I am ever thinking about you at all? I think you said your piece, unpleasantly as you could. I don't care what expression you have on your face. I've never given you a thought, and don't plan to start.

Honey, it really doesn't

Honey, it really doesn't matter whether you check angie's list or whatever.

You found this group... you can google the services you need in your area.

I know some of the responses are sort of snarky but it gets frustrating when people come here, puke their problems out, claim everything is hopeless yet nitpick every suggestion apart for pretty minor reasons.

I think that you are frustrated with your stepkids and your DH's coddle/support of them. Your realize that he has hurt you both financially but with 25 years invested you don't want to leave.

Either it isn't as bad as you say with him (threatening to leave you daily is NOT heroic and loving behavior) or it is that bad and you are not willing to do the slightest thing to save yourself.

People say on her a lot "you can't care for them more than their parents do" Same goes for some posters. "we can't care about you more than you are willing to care about yourself"

Yes, I have googled services.

Yes, I have googled services. At length. Nothing. And nothing at the link somebody else posted either, but it was a nice try, more than most posters offered.

http://lawyers.findlaw.com/la

http://lawyers.findlaw.com/lawyer/firm/divorce/orlando/florida

Orlando lawyers... some have free consultations.

What other services did you need?

Your health insurance should have a provider search function online to find an in network mental health provider/therapist.

https://www.thumbtack.com/fl/orlando/marriage-counselors/ a list of counselors. Some are faith based.. others not.

https://www.fcadv.org/

Here's the thing, Esmod.

Here's the thing, Esmod. Yeah, Google works and will give you links. But if you've spent the last 45 days calling those links, as I have, you find they come to nothing. Most of the time you leave messages and nobody calls you back. Sometimes the number is no longer in service. Finding a link on Google does not mean anything, really. Yes, again today I spent all day calling numbers off of search engines. Really, what does a search engine tell you about the quality of services? Nothing. I'd so much rather if someone actually knew a lawyer in either place, Arizona or Florida, if somebody knew a therapist or an attorney who has performed well for them, that would be more meaningful than Google. I have not been able to find mental health services for my SS, in 45 days of trying who has such severe psych issues that he is suicidal. Nobody at any of the clinics or doctors offices I have called has been able to take him, because he is uninsured and indigent. And the only counselor I have found so far for DH and I wanted us to "make it right with Jesus". Today I called the Commission on Aging, because I discovered they offer low cost limited legal help for seniors. I left a message early this morning, and another early this afternoon, but they haven't called back. That's how it's been going. So, I'm still looking, and if you know anybody, please let me know. Thanks for your time and your thoughtful consideration.

Unfortunately, I am sure that

Unfortunately, I am sure that there are a lot of people looking into the low cost legal aid..and you may not get a response immediately.

It sounds like you have so many things going on right now that you are not sure which way to turn. I think you need to crystallize in your mind what your priorities are for YOU.

TBH, finding mental health care for your SS is probably going to need to go pretty far down on your list. (your HUSBAND needs to be making these inquiries and with his history in the medical field, it should be no issue for him to figure that out)

Marriage counseling. Well, sounds like you and he have tried it a few times already. Do you think that you both will come out with any different outcome?

What really needs to happen to make your life tolerable? Leave your DH? Have him stop threatening to leave on a daily basis? Getting his kids out of your life in such a way that they no longer impact it?

Depending on what your goal is, your priorities might be different.

It seems like trying to establish some amount of financial independence should be a priority. It doesn't mean you WILL leave, just that you could leave and sometimes the knowledge that you have some power over your situation can be freeing and change your outlook. A bank account with your SSI going into it directly is a start. I would go ahead and transfer at least 1/2 of the proceeds from that home sale on Monday to give yourself a head start. If hubby gets angry, just say that you just have had it with the threats so you figured you better be prepared.

Beyond that, you will need legal advice on the intertwining of your finances. I imagine your name may be on some things and not others and there will be issues with pensions or retirement accounts that may be in his name that you will have a right to.

I can't say this strongly enough. If you do go the divorce route, get yourself everything you deserve and are entitled to. Don't be nice and just want to "get out". After it is all said and done, if you feel like you got too much, you can always give some back! (hahahaha) I know conflict is hard, but your life right now is hard and getting what you are entitled to can make the difference between a good future and a difficult one.

I have put a link below that gives you some idea of the general differences between the two states. It is likely that due to your recent move, you will need to file in AZ but a FL atty can give you that legal advice.

http://divorce-laws.insidegov.com/compare/3-10/Arizona-vs-Florida

Finally, I'm sorry you are going through this. It sounds like the public perception of your relationship is different than the one you are experiencing behind closed doors. Your kids will have to deal with the outcome... but if they can't put their mother's well being first then I would not worry about their reaction that much. My mom always said she was happy women live longer than men because then she would have time to enjoy things after my dad was gone. Long story short, she ended up with dementia and passed away almost 10 years ago. Dad??? Yep still alive and kicking as he knocks on 90's door.

Yes, thank you, it could be

Yes, thank you, it could be part of his problem, I'm sure it happens all the time.

This isn't just about your

This isn't just about your relationship with your DH but it is certainly a large part of it. You need a smorgasbord of help, to include financial protections. You may well find yourselves destitute due to skids draining of your money and your DH's apparent lack of ability to stop it.

Have you ever considered that since your DH's kids are mentally ill, he may be as well? Or getting into dementia? Assuming you are a senior since you and DH are "retired" then there are lots of resources available for you.

If you are in Orlando proper (Orange County) then try this:

Orange County Government Senior Services
http://www.orangecountyfl.net/familieshealthsocialsvcs/seniorservices.as...

If you are in Osceola County try this:

http://www.osceolagenerations.org/

These places have all kinds of resources which may be helpful. Good luck!

Thank you. Yes, I have

Thank you. Yes, I have considered dementia, because, yes, he is totally unreasonable as regards his children. Thank you for the resources! That is much appreciated and I will follow up and see if they can help.

And I thought my situation

And I thought my situation was odd...lady, you have got to protect yourself:

1. Zero contact with his crazy messed up kids (block everything, and they do not come to your house-tell him; you never go around them, period). Oh, and if he says they are
coming to HIS house anyway, tell him to give you 15 minute warning ahead of the time they land, so you can call 911 because you want the police waiting for them.
2. Make certain you have some money( in your name only), in case he really takes a powder one day, you may need an attorney to fight this enmeshed daddeeee.
3. Never say a word about them, tell him to never talk about them to you; to you they are dead, even though they are part of HIS life. Erase them for your existence completely.
4 Stop expecting him to defend you, stop worrying about it (easier said than done), he will not protect you; you protect yourself now.

You have to retrain him and teach him how to treat you now; what you are doing is not working. It is not easy to disengage yourself, but it is soooo much easier than being abused and being engaged with a bunch of crazy jealous people who hate you no matter what you do or did in the past.

You can do this....OH, Sadults love to get to you and harass you-that is the goal of many; so you give all of them a dead end road and watch them turn on dadddeeeee...LOL.

Thank you. That seems like

Thank you. That seems like sound advice. They turned on Daddy before I ever met them. He moved here 40 days before me, and my children moved him in, cleaned the new house, had it painted, helped him unpack. His kids didn't hit a lick. They waited until I arrived and then announced they were abandoning him forever because he has the temerity to still be married to me, after all these many years.

Separate your finances

Separate your finances immediately. Remove your share of funds from joint accounts. Direct the deposit of your SS in a separate account for your use only.

You say you cannot afford to leave, but think about your life. Wouldn't you be better off living with a room mate than your abusive husband?

You mention threatening messages. What is being threatened exactly? What is he saying?

Maybe. I don't know. I feel

Maybe. I don't know. I feel totally uninterested in continuing to live without him. He is everything to me.

Yes, he sounds like a real

Yes, he sounds like a real charmer.

My husband is doing nothing about it, is not protective of me, and browbeats me.

Today, my husband threatened to leave me, again, because his children hate me. He has made that threat every day for the last 25 years.

He spends every day browbeating me and demeaning me because of his children's rampant delusions.

Now he says he 'has to be angry' with me and 'has to punish me' because 'his children won't come here'

At least, separate your finances so that all of your money is not spent on his grown ass kids. There's nothing worse than wanting to leave but not being able to because of finances.
And someday, when you decide that you are worth more and deserve better, you may actually want to leave.

The reason why you need to do

The reason why you need to do this is because it provides you with options. Right now, he is making decisions with your money that you don't agree with. He might get pissed, but when he throws a fit because you separated the finances you can tell him.

"You threaten to leave me daily, you are spending our savings on your kids against my wishes. If you do leave, I need to make sure I am financially able to survive. I love you, but I feel like less and less of a priority to you so I am protecting myself"

Separating finances doesn't mean you WILL leave.. just that you CAN.

Maybe it will be a wake up call to him and he will stop enabling his children and focus on his marriage.

I cannot separate my finances

I cannot separate my finances without a lawyer.

That's not true. You can open

That's not true.

You can open a bank account and have your social security deposited into it. You can transfer funds from a joint account to an individual account.

There may be issues relating to some investments or a home that would be difficult.. but you certainly CAN separate at least a portion of your finances.

Separate finances does not mean you don't contribute financially to your household expenses. You can just as easily write a check to your DH for your share.

It is true. He has depleted

It is true. He has depleted our joint accounts and now all that is left is his accounts, which he did not deplete. I can't separate finances without a lawyer, and I am considering if I should maybe go back to Arizona to sue him for abandonment and divorce. I might be in a better position in Arizona, and my drivers license is still in Arizona. I only sold my Arizona house yesterday. It was the place where I could have afforded to live without him. Then I moved into our new house, in Florida with him. I can't begin to pay the mortgage. My Social Security benefits, like all Social Security benefits, are negligible. All joint funds were used in this move, there are none remaining which are not in his name. It takes a lawyer, and a knowledge of which state I'm better off in. If anybody knows any good lawyers in either state, I appreciate the information.

What happened to the proceeds

What happened to the proceeds of YOUR house that you just sold? Or was his name on it also and did the money just go into an individual account?

You DO have SS income correct. I would open an account. Put your SSI income in that going forward and stop paying anything towards household expenses. He can take your "half" out of his individual accounts since he stole your money to spend on his kids.

You must have an idea what amount was spent. Tell him that you won't be paying until you recoup what was spent on the kids. Keep your nest egg growing.

Both names are on both

Both names are on both houses. Some of the proceeds were siphoned off to pay for his ranch, a 100-acre mountaintop which he has not visited in the last five years. Both names are on that too. It is for sale, but has been for sale for a while. There is no house there, although there is a well and electricity. He just kept his RV up there, and used it for camping and shooting. Yes, and he mortgaged the home we lived in to pay it off, against my objections. Large tracts of land like that take time to sell, not everybody is prepared to buy or maintain that much acreage. The realtor says it will take a year or three to sell that. So that money is not available, although it is owned by both. The Arizona house would have been completely paid for, except that he insisted on refinancing it to pay off his ranch where he doesn't go. Even though it was remortgaged, it was less expensive to live there, and I regret signing the paperwork only yesterday. The proceeds from the Arizona house will be deposited in our joint account on Monday. The amount will not represent half our assets, but probably more like 1/5 of our assets. If I can speak with a lawyer this week, he may advise me to move it, just the same. If DH doesn't move it first, because, I did tell him to leave and he says he will 'hide assets'. I really don't expect him to do that though, he's just talking, in the end, I expect him to split everything equitably.

It's a shame he strong armed

It's a shame he strong armed you into signing papers against your will. It would have been better had you been able to refuse to refinance for his "ranch".

This is what I would do today.

Go open an individual account.
Find out what is necessary to move your SS deposit into that account and DO it so that all pmts going forward go into your account.

First thing Monday (or before.. check the balance to see when funds do get there in case it's early) transfer the proceeds of that loan into your individual account.

Do all this with no mention to your DH. When he asks about it, you tell him you did it to protect your share of funds that have historically been put to uses that you do not agree with like his kids and the ranch.

Tell him that you are not necessarily considering divorce, but going forward, you will be making yourself whole for the funds he spent against your wishes.

duplicate post

I am not able to separate

I am not able to separate finances without an attorney. Does anybody know a good attorney in Flag or Orlando?

https://www.myfloridalaw.com/

This firm says it offers free divorce consultation. I don't have any personal knowledge of their practice.. but I think you need to get at least SOME amount of legal advice.

To get the most out of a consultation try to have as much information as possible available so the attorney can give you their best advice.

Thank you very much Esmod.

Thank you very much Esmod. That is very helpful and appreciated. Unfortunately, when I called them, they said they don't offer free consultation when it's a divorce. But I have made an appointment with another attorney in Florida, and one in Arizona as well. Now, if only I could find a counselor, because, he is abusive and his kids are abusive, and if I leave him, again, as I have twice before, I'll need some help with the depression I am feeling about it all.

That's how it seems to go

That's how it seems to go with every link I follow looking for resources. They don't exist anymore, or they don't take insurance or they are 'Christian counseling' (Ack!) or I leave a message and nobody ever calls back. Also, the 'Christian Counselor' we accidentally saw did not tell us he only wanted to talk about Jesus when we made the appointment, but while we were there, he did mention that there are 33 marriage counselors in his office building, and, he claimed, he was the only one with actual credentials. So, we've been warned that in the Great State of Florida, it is not necessary to actually have credentials to hang out a shingle that says 'counseling'. I'll keep trying. Thanks for your help.

The state I used to live in

The state I used to live in was the same, "counselors" were often just social workers, one we had was previously a nurse but didn't have counseling credentials. The nurse sided w/my then husband because of his health issues. In her eyes he got a pass for his terrible behavior but she was only seeing him as a *patient* instead of the man I had to go home and live with.

Vetting your professionals can be quite the process.

Yes, it is a start, but such

Yes, it is a start, but such a small start as to be meaningless. I think it's better if I wait until my appointment with the lawyer, on Monday, before I start rearranging finances.

No, my very miserable life is

No, my very miserable life is behind me. Thanks for your sweetness.

You HAVE to separate your

You HAVE to separate your money, this man sounds like mission impossible and you will be fine, and not abused by him IF you are lucky enough for him to leave. You CAN put your checks in a separate account--you have to, he has given you no other choice.

Even if he leaves, you will need an attorney and they are very expensive when you have married an a..shole.

If you keep living like this without any action plan, the poster is right, the problem is you!

You will likely be abused the rest of your life, do you want that?

I think I have already let

I think I have already let him abuse me for the rest of my life. I don't think there is any 'rest' left. People aren't reading the thread, just wanting to hop on the bandwagon and it's making me repeat myself. It is not possible for me to separate our finances without an attorney. Do you know a good one? I could also use a good marriage counselor, do you know one?

Oh, excuse me for mistaking

Oh, excuse me for mistaking this for a place where people are supportive of each other if someone wants to discuss problems they are having with their skids. Now I see it's a place where you come to mock people who are in crisis and call them mealy-mouthed. My bad. Did you call me 'mom' before? No, I'm sure I'm not your mom. The children I raised are all very well and very kindly spoken.

I would find a good domestic

I would find a good domestic attorney in the state you live, but that will take some money for a retainer. Or, alternative, if you have a domestic violence place locally go there for advise and next steps.

If you get social security it is YOUR money, period. YOU can at least separate that check== so you can begin to pay for an attorney to get away from this monster. I would not invest another dime with this creep of a man.

Here's an interesting factoid

Here's an interesting factoid I did not know until I became old enough to collect Social Security. Mine is a very small amount, but when I went to visit the SS office, to begin collecting, they told me, "Oh, we have to give you more because of who you are married to..." I said, "What? What does that have to do with anything?" They said, "because your husband made so much more, we have to give you a little more." I don't really know where that comes from or what it means but they bumped my up a bit when they told me that, and I suppose they will bump me back down, and my SS will be nominal again, because of who I'm NOT married to! Not that it matters, you couldn't keep a mouse alive with SS benefits. We should all have the same retirement plan and healthcare Congress gives themselves.

You've been married to DH for

You've been married to DH for more than 10 years. You will be eligible for the greater amount of SS even if you divorce him. It only changes if you remarry.

Please see a counselor on your own. There are some serious self-denial problems.

I say quit paying any

I say quit paying any household bills until she recoups what her DH stole to pay his worthless brood.

Close, Mamazen. That's

Close, Mamazen. That's almost right on. I never said DH gave SS 'all' our money, though. Not yet, anyway. Yes, he is clearly putting his children before me.

I was just going to write

I was just going to write something similar. Perhaps her own medical condition (lack of oxygen, perhaps?) is affecting her own reasoning. Agree - OP should print out this thread and visit a physician first.

Yes, she certainly was kinder

Yes, she certainly was kinder than you have been, and it was appreciated. If that's what you meant to say, you could have said it kindly too. But if you see somebody that you think might be having a hard time, just kick some sense into her, that's your apparent philosophy. And don't write just one snarky post, but a dozen, and do try to make sure you mock that person, just for good measure. Yep.

Thank you for your kind

Thank you for your kind response.

OP, I can understand your

OP,

I can understand your reasoning of wanting to stay married and continue to live with your husband. You vowed for better or worse, till death do you part. It's all you know and you've left your life and friends in AZ behind. You're really in a tough spot. Since you are considering therapy I would suggest first going to counseling on your own and seek out a secular counselor. If you need help navigating local resources talk to your children who know the area and may be more internet savvy.

Instead of a life altering divorce there are small things you can do to make your situation better. Disengaging from your toxic step kids is going to be absolutely necessary for your well-being. Next, get out of THEIR dynamic (Google "Karpman Drama Triangle). Their dysfunction was in place long before you came along, you're an easy scapegoat and your husband is going along with it instead of owning his problematic relationship with HIS children.

Money is always a tricky situation in step families. I hope you can talk to a counselor or your own children and come up with a way to protect yourself financially from skids who will continue to take and suck you and DH dry until your last breath.

I'm sorry you're dealing with such drama during what should be a restful, free and fun time of your life. Best to you.

I thank you for your insight

I thank you for your insight and understanding. You are very kind.

(No subject)

If you have to lock yourself

If you have to lock yourself in a room to get away from your H's abuse, you have a problem.

Call the police. Tell them you're involved in a domestic dispute with your spouse and you need help. They'll come, calm him down, and make him leave. Hopefully that will change his attitude.

You are locked in an unhealthy dynamic. Hopefully calling the police will be the catalyst for change that you need.

Also, there are a few posters

Also, there are a few posters in the Adult Skid Forum whose stories you might find especially helpful:

Sammie - Read her blog. She has been married for many years to a difficult man with a difficult, meddling SD. She has carved out her own peace, but she had to call her H's bluff and kick him out of the house temporarily in order to shake things up enough to effect change.

notasm - married to a man with an alcoholic pos son. She has successfully created boundaries that allow her to enjoy her marriage with zero involvement with her dirtbag SS.

She's Driving me Crazy in my Retirement - She and her DH moved closer to her SD, only to discover that fifty-something SD is disordered and started making shesdrivingme scared and miserable. SDM"s spouse refused to recognize or do anything about his daughter's behavior. SDM booted her H, and he had to live with his crazy daughter and her equally crazy family for six months while doing marriage counselling with SDM. That gave him clarity, they reunited, and recently moved away from the toxic SD.

Read, gain some clarity on your situation, and then act. I'd also recommend seeing a doctor about treatment for depression, as you sound deeply unhappy.

If only. I have tried so

If only. I have tried so many times to get him to leave. I have left him. He follows and begs and says he's never going to do that again. It's exhausting. Yes, I'm depressed, to be sure. Thank you for your thoughts and suggestions.

WOW-zaaaaa

See the lawyer on Monday. you

See the lawyer on Monday. you can leave, and fortunately for you, being in florida can take him for huge alimony. you will be entitled to live the life style you are currently living for the rest of your life. He cannot take or hide money, as long as you file on monday. It is up to you how you want to live out the rest of your days. Do NOT just leave and let him have all of your money. Get what you are entitled to and go live out your final years in peace.

Or not, it is up to you.

Yes, that's the plan, thank

Yes, that's the plan, thank you for helping, thank you very much. But I have an appointment with an Arizona lawyer tomorrow, as well as the appointment with a Florida lawyer on Monday. It is a big question mark which state will be better for me. I just hope the lawyers know, because, one of my sons in law is a lawyer and I asked him which state I would do better in. He said he doesn't know, because he doesn't practice family law and he's not licensed in Arizona. He is a Florida State Prosecutor. So, if my son in law doesn't know, perhaps other lawyers won't know about other states either. But I can't 'take him' for huge anything, since half of everything is mine, and I do not seek more. Besides, he doesn't have enough money to fuss about and neither do I.

Will your DH fight your

Will your DH fight your divorce?

Arizona is a community property state, Florida is not.

You have to have been a resident of Florida for six months.

These are just a few things you can find out for yourself while waiting to see a lawyer.

Oh that's bad news! Then I

Oh that's bad news! Then I might have to go back to Arizona. Yes, he's fighting it, he wanted to leave me until I said, "Yeah, you should" and now he insists he won't leave, because I want him to. And he's saying he will 'hide the assets', but he won't because he can't. Furthermore, his piddly pennies are not worth it either. There isn't that much in assets, but what there is cannot be hidden. FFS I have all the statements, I wonder where he thinks he will tell the judge it went? Oh, maybe there are no judges in divorces! I don't even know. My last marriage ended when I became widowed. There was a probate judge...and a lot of medical bills...

If you want your money out of

If you want your money out of a joint account, you have to be the first one at the bank and demand only CASH..... otherwise, payment can be stopped; the bank will not like it but they are obliged to give you cash when you demand no other form of payment.

This was the best advise a banker ever gave me, and thank God I did it. It was the only money I had in my possession to pay for an attorney to get rid of the SO....B.

But, you have to be the FIRST one at the bank; it works two ways.

This is exactly right and

This is exactly right and similar to what I did when my XW decided to break our asset distribution agreement during our divorce.

I immediately went to the bank and bought a cashier's check to pay her the agreed settlement then took cash for the remainder of our accounts. I then left the bank to FedEx the cashier's check to her and then went to a different bank and opened a private account with the cash I just withdrew from the joint accounts.

I owe the lady in the bank

I owe the lady in the bank for her advise, I had cried all night (guess she felt sorry for me because she told me I think I know what is going on here); after learning what he was up to..everything I had back then (which was the beginning of my career), was jointly held and I had just left him the day before; pretended to go to work so he would not beat me to the bank which was his goal (I was working an hour out of town). It worked, I stayed with my parents and paid for my attorney--He was at the bank at 3 PM to stop payment.

Asking for cash and beating the cheater to the bank is the ONLY way to get your money in a joint account --they cheat you every way they can.

Welcome to Steptalk,

Welcome to Steptalk, Morestepchild.

I read through your post and thought about another member here who was in a similar situation. She was also retirement age and needing to make some really hard choices. I went and copied a bunch of her posts for you because I thought you might be encouraged by her story. I haven't seen her around lately but the last I remember she was doing well.

Also if you put the user name Enuf in the search area located at the top of the page, you will also find other things she talked about on other people's threads. It's a little tough to navigate the searches and takes a little time but may be worth doing.

My heart goes out to you because I can sense you are feeling very stuck and desperate but I think you have more rights than you may be feeling you have at the moment. I agree with whoever said you may need a advocate to help you through the process that is ahead of you. I actually do agree with advice that has been given to you here, while also understanding that in your mental state at the moment, you may be feeling too overwhelmed to navigate through all of the paths that you need to. I have no doubt that you are looking for services on your own and are discouraged because it is a daunting task that often needs to be repeated over and over until you just want to give up looking for help. Add depression to the mix and it can start to feel like there just isn't any help out there for "someone like you." I don't mean that to say there is something wrong WITH you, it may feel like your problems are just too unique. I get it. If one of your children, or another person you trust can step up and be your advocate, help you navigate while vetting through people on your search for resources that would be helpful.

Don't lose heart though and believe there is no help for you out there.

Please know that the people who have responded to you really have your best interests at heart. Many of them have been where you are and felt AS hopeless at one point in their life as well. It's human to feel taken back at some of the feedback when you are not use to being told some of the things you have been told. I suspect that in time you will be happy for some of the tough love, although you may not feel that way initially, so hang in there with us. I do appreciate the fact that as a older woman, the task at hand seems daunting.

Here are some direct links to her threads starting with what I believe is the first one she made.

https://www.steptalk.org/node/224842

https://www.steptalk.org/node/225189

https://www.steptalk.org/node/225114

https://www.steptalk.org/node/225961

https://www.steptalk.org/node/229553

https://www.steptalk.org/node/229973

https://www.steptalk.org/node/230024

https://www.steptalk.org/node/231380

https://www.steptalk.org/node/231635

https://www.steptalk.org/node/231954

https://www.steptalk.org/node/232087

https://www.steptalk.org/node/233120

https://www.steptalk.org/node/233359

Edit to add- I hear you that you do not want your marriage to end and I don't feel qualified to suggest that you leave or stay, either way. I just hope you can get to a place where you see that you do have options . Best of luck to you.

You are here

I am really freaked out by my psycho step children