You are here

Trying something different....

tankh21's picture

BM continues to bother my DH every other week just because she is having a bad day and wants someone to take it out on I think. Telling him how to talk to her, trying to tell him what to do while the skids are at our house. I guess me complaining over and over about it doesn't do anything but I always feel better after I tell my DH how I feel about it.

So last night BM was texting DH when she has been told numerous times not to text unless it's emergency and if it's not to email him. Last week BM had sent my DH an email and DH replied on the email that day. Then she texts my DH several texts belittling him as a parent and just trying to stir up drama.

Then last night she started her crap again texting him. DH tells me that BM is texting him I said oh ok and didn't say a word and just went about my business. He kept asking me what was wrong. I told him to just let it go and that I didn't want to say anything because nothing could or would be done about it. I had to have this mind set and take extra amounts of energy not to tell DH how I feel. I don't internalize my feeling at all. This is really hard for me so far.

Comments

Acratopotes's picture

What's your DH dong about it..... Did he tell her, stop your shit I'm not interested, if you keep on doing this I will get RO against you..

What's DH doing about her text, ignoring it? Jumping to answer it...

see if he ignores it then no need to get upset, you are wrong blaming DH for her crazy ass text messages, if he starts texting back and complains then.. he will be sorry..

It's an external factor and nothing you can do about it, laugh and tell DH, yeah she probably did not take her crazy pills this morning... simply ignore it she will get bored...

if she calls let it go to voice mail, and listen to it after wards in case there's an emergency...

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

*Suddenly realizes maybe we can file a restraining order against BM...*

Acra's advice is solid. BM used to call DH with BS sob stories and he didn't know how to respond. Second he stopped answering and hung up if she tried (he only answers when she has the skids just in case) she stopped. Found some other poor sap to b**** at.

mommadukes2015's picture

When BM2 was off her rocker, she used to do that to my SO too.

One night, it was rapid fire "you're shit, your family is shit, your life is shit just kill yourself" texts and they woke me up. I had had enough. I texted her back from his phone (because it woke ME the F up):

BM2, this is Mommadukes. If you do not stop this constant texting, belittling and harassing nonsense I will turn you into the police for harassment. TRUST ME. Besides, all these texts really aren't going to make you look good in court when we go and build our case for PAS. GO. TO. SLEEP. Get help. Do something other than this.

4 months later she friended me on facebook and explained that she has been sober since she got my text. She was getting drunk off her rocker every night and taking it out on SO telling him SD was better off without him, go kill himself and then berating him for not coming over to her parents house to see SD. WHO IN THEIR RIGHT MIND WOULD?

These women are crazy. If he wont' call her out on her shit, someone should. It's abusive. Her and I have been cool, in fact, right now we're all in the best place we have ever been-and I actually *cringe* like her. That hurt.

ESMOD's picture

Here are a couple of suggestions that might help you.

1. You say you feel better when you get it off your chest about the EX. Well.. how about starting to JOURNAL your thoughts on it. Pushing your annoyance on your DH is not working. In fact, a whole lot of the stuff that annoys you with his kids etc.. HE doesn't care about. So, when a situation won't change, all we can do is change our reaction to it (if we want to remain sane). So, journal a way. Put all your deep thoughts and annoyances down on paper and leave them there.

2. Tell him in a kind way that you do not want to hear him complain about his EX and her contacting him over nothing. The only time you need to be involved is when something is going to impact you personally. In other words, your point should be that "you were the one that made kids with a crazy woman, don't make HER my problem.. you deal with her." If he won't stand up to her that is on him but he doesn't get to pass the aggravation over to you. Tell him that you only want to hear about BM/Skid problems on a NEED TO KNOW basis. Ask him to do this favor to you because he is causing you to be stressed out and that is going to damage your relationship.

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

^^^ My exact words to DH... "You're the one that married the psycho b****. Not me."

BM can be a stressor, the more you push to Dh and the more he acts on it (preferably without too much knowledge on your side) the better.

lieutenant_dad's picture

So let me get this straight. Someone or something causes BM to have a bad day, and she takes her stress of it out on DH. Then, DH ends up having a bad day because BM is bothering him, so he tells you knowing you'll say what you feel so HE can relieve his stress from the situation and leave you feeling drained and battered.

He has NO reason to tell you hat she is texting other than to sure the misery and use you as HIS outlet. Instead of dealing with it like an adult, he'd rather drag someone else through the mud with him. What a catch!

tankh21's picture

At first I thought he still carried a torch for BM which is why he tells me whenever he contacts her but yes he tells me every time she says something to him because he doesn't want me to think that he is hiding anything from me.

lieutenant_dad's picture

I call bull. If he was just telling you because he doesn't want you thinking something is going on, he wouldn't ask follow-up questions when you don't blow up about her. He wants to release his frustration about the situation, but he can't without you losing your mind first. I'm not saying you need to go back to caring. I'm saying he needs to keep his trap shut and come up with better coping mechanisms.

ESMOD's picture

Yep, I can see it.

BM blows it into him. He is too afraid of her to blow back at her. So, he shares it all to you, making HIMSELF the victim and eliciting a "how dare she response" from you. Then he gets to argue about it all with you. Thereby releasing and transferring his frustration with YOU. In turn, this type of frustration feeds into your negative feelings towards his children.

So, your SO gets to use you as a release valve... you take all the extra pressure. Now, in all honesty, he didn't care about this stuff much before you were together did he? All in all, the stuff the kids do.. the stuff the Ex does didn't rile him up before he was with you.. so it is almost cruelty to inform you of every unnecessary communication.

tankh21's picture

So I guess to fix the problem I need to tell him to stop telling me about her and when she contacts him.

Thumper's picture

Tankh21

I AM so sorry bm continues to text dh when there is no emergency.

It may be time to have his lawyer involved.

BM,
This letter is to give you one final notice. Since Sep 2017 thru Feb 2018 you have texted me 150 times (or how many) and emailed me 67 times and called me 130 times. ( OP-go to cell phone/telephone company for print outs to back up claim)

During this time I have asked you to stop. You have not.

You may contact me in the unlikely event of a medical emergency, providing me with hospital and/or Dr. information. OR an unforeseen circumstance requiring a temporary change in visitation.

I have advised my attorney I would make one final effort to defuse this issue. Therefore, I ask you to stop unwanted and unnecessary contact with me unless it is a medical emergency or unforeseen circumstance requiring a temporary change of our court order. Be under advisement I have instructed my attorney to pursue further action AND relief from the courts.

Signed in blue ink DH

CC Attorneys name only
-------------------------------------------
send certified mail, BM SIGNATURE required and return receipt.

To be on the safe side. Review the current order to see if the Judge remained silent on this topic. Don't go outside the topic and combine kids access to dad. SEPERATE issue.
DAD IS ORDERED TO ACCEPT AND COMMUNICATE WITH BIO DAD everyday she see's fit.

Normal people don't act like this T, they just don't. (HUGS)....we went thru it too.

tankh21's picture

DH consulted with his lawyer about BM already. The laywer told him that he could file a motion against her however it would then be an open case and he might have a nasty court battle on his hands and spend a lot of money. I told DH that when BM does take him back to court to request that all drops offs and pick ups be at the police station and make her use our family wizard as means for communuication for non-emergency things.

ESMOD's picture

Exchanges at a police station? Is this really necessary? I mean, it's clear you don't like her. It's clear you would love to put some restriction on her that would be a hardship (like a police station exchange). But, has she been violent or abusive? I mean to the point of criminality? I'm not talking about a text telling your DH he is a bad father for some minor issue (which honestly hon.. lots of what you describe here makes him come off as an inept or lazy father). I'm talking about threats of violence etc... It sounds like she is annoying and talks down to him. That in and of itself is not a real reason to require that type of arrangement.

tankh21's picture

She has just showed up at our house unannounced. She was yelling and screaming at my DH in front of the skids. This has happened several times. She has harassed our babysitter bombarding her with questions and the babysitter quit because of it. Yes I will admit exchanges at the police station is to make her actually have to get up and do something as well since she does nothing when it comes to driving etc.

notsobad's picture

Block her.

You will find out very quickly how easy it will be for her to get in touch with him if there’s an emergency. You’ll be getting calls from inlaws and friends asking what’s going on BM can’t get in touch.
Then use that to show that there is no need for him to accept any of her texts.

Thumper's picture

NOTSOBAD yes yes yes....^^^^^^^^^

TRUE emergency will prompt a knock knock at family home by police too.

We know if something awful would happen our lawyer will get ahold of us too.

notsobad's picture

It makes me crazy when people say, they’ll need to get a hold of you in an emergency.

The hospital can call, the police can call, the school can call. There are so many ways to be notified of an emergency.

Now I guess it also depends on what your definition of an emergency is. So if BM calling to say skid has a cough or a hang nail is an emergency then you’re in trouble.

tankh21's picture

A few weeks ago BM said that one of the skids had a upper respiratory infection. She said that she was going to take SS to the doctor. I am sitting here thinking that how did she even know that is what was wrong with the kid if she hadn't taken him to the doctor yet. So DH just left SS with BM. The next day DH calls SS to see how he is feeling and he said that he was fine. He asked him what the doctor said and he said that BM never took him to the doctor. She has been caught lying about so many things it's not even funny.

Ispofacto's picture

The only thing I can add is: wait as long as possible to respond to an email. No less than 24 hours if possible. Then use as few words as possible. Just the facts.

Also google Tresspass Warning letter. Send it certified and copy the local PD on it. Maybe copy both lawyers as well. Write it so that she can pull in the driveway but not get out of the car, and can only be there during a scheduled pickup/drop off.