Good question. Our BM withheld SD because she NEEDED to meet me to make sure I'm not a psycho (which she is) or for whatever reason. That was before the CO. The court told BM that DH does not need to introduce us unless there's a legitimate reason to believe SD is in danger but that was never the case.
I've met her of course but it's always been a control issue with her.
If BM has so far been polite and respectful towards you I would say that meeting her briefly at an exchange could be polite. A brief ‘hello, nice to meet you’ is all that is needed. That way it is done and over with (and not being made into a big deal) and she can see who is around her kid. It is in no way necessary though, so if you feel pressured or uncomfortable do not do it.
We tried to be adults and reasonable plolite people when I first moved in with my then fiancé. We all (sd, BM, my husband and BM) went to a pottery painting place once and out to lunch another time. I would also try to make conversation when BM came to our house to pick up sd. But it seems that playing at being friendly was beyond bm’s capabilities when she started to message me about how my husband was cheating on me with her and how he was an awful man. When she insisted on clauses in their parenting plan that I never be left alone with sd. And then finally when she pushed her way into our house, refused to leave and pushed me to the ground. After I called the police with that incident my husband worked out that it was best to keep BM and I apart, so I was no longer expected to be in her presence.
So I would say that keep any meeting as a brief thing that happens in passing and keep things (and her) at a polite distance. You two are unlikely to be friends so don’t bother trying to pretend that it is possible but equally avoiding one another completely may be impractical.
1) DH already made the determination that I am fit to be around SS - it's his son too,he's perfectly capable of making that determination.
2) I'm not the one parenting. DH is. I only support him.
3) What purpose would it serve? What if she doesn't like me... is she going to demand dad no longer be with me?
If she knows nothing about you, there is nothing for her to throw back at you, other than the fact that she knows nothing about you.
There is NO REASON to meet BM. You and her have nothing to do with each other. Any of her issues should be directed to your DH... and any issues about you are none of her business.
The ex husband already made the determination of me (or you) being fit to be around him and the children.
ExW's opinion of exH's judgment skills are irrelevant.
You (or I) are not at the beck and call of the exW for meetings.
We are not in a relationship with her.
The less you have to do with the ex wife, the happier you will be.
We attempted to faciltate a meeting between me and BM just to be polite but that was a big sh*t show.
One moment she wouldn't.
The next she demanded to.
Then she wouldn't.
Then she was setting up this day trip with the kids and wanted us all to go to but never made any attempt to ensure speak to us about when and got pissed when I was available because of work so then she refused again.
Then she was pissed because SO wouldn't jump to meet her new guy who was like the 3 one in about 2 months.
It was really not worth even caring about after the first month. For her it was all about appearances.
When I finally did 'meet' her it was one of the most uncomfortable things for all involved. I say 'meet' because she did not acknowledge my presence. Walked over and took over the whole thing. It ended with her helping the kids get into SO's car while I'm not 3 feet away waiting to get in and she still hasn't so much as directly looked at me.
I've been around her a hand full of times and for the most part we do not speak at all and basically ignore each other.
OH but get this. She want's to take the kids on this big special trip in the summer and she wants us to go too. Like one big happy family. BULL. She want's us to go because then we will be duped into paying for almost everything involving the kids and she can dump them on us and go play but still look like she's the most amazing mom. SO of course shot down that idea right away.
BioHo WANTS to meet me one-on-one, but she can go p!ss up a rope. Why in the world would I want to waste my time? So I can tell her:
* You're a crappy mother and should never have had children,
* Yes, I (and men in a 100-mile radius) know you're a cheating 'ho,
* I have zero respect for you and think you should have been born sterile,
* You're a narcissistic POS and I hope you fall of the face of the earth 5 seconds after PigPen ages out/leaves home.
There is NOTHING that 'Ho wants to say to me that will affect me, my love for DH, or how I live my life. Her opinions are as valuable as a flea on a piece of whale poop at the bottom of the Mariana Trench.
Tank, I was around BioHo once. It was a VERY crowded venue and was for SDthen19, who asked me to be there. I could see her (I have excellent peripheral and bangs perfect for secretive glancing) flat out STARING at me. I said NOTHING to 'Ho. In fact, I never acknowledged her and acted like she was invisible.
Do you want to put this in template form and mail it out to my Skid's BM?... Like in bulk.. I think one should arrive twice a day for the next year... Especially since she's preggo after not ever taking care of the first two and causing them issues up the wall... I just feel maybe extreme repetition will start getting it through that thick narcissistic skull of hers....
I have met her a few times, by accident really rather than by design. Only once did I know about it in advance - when we had to attend an ice skating party with SD21 and her little friends, because we were going away for the weekend and it was on the way.
NPD BM got a rather cold reception from me when she decided to try ordering me about like a skivvy.
These days, I would rather poke hot wires into my eyes than go anywhere where she might be. DH teases me sometimes and says he has invited NPD BM and her so-called husband(they don't live together) to dinner, it's his way of making a little joke.
I have a 3 year timescale which I have told DH about - NPD BM has to behave well for 3 years before I will even consider her as a human being. So far she has only ever made it to about 6 months. Then she has to start from the beginning again
I WANTED to meet BM, first because I thought it was the "right thing to do", but then because I needed to know what level of crazy she was. I think I had more to gain from meeting her than she did with me.
DH demanded to meet BM's new husband. I thought it was a little ridiculous, but whatever. I think he just wanted to see who BM had cheated on him with.
I already knew BM, so that's a non-issue for us. She'd like to pretend I don't exist and I hate dealing with her, so we're good.
I met meth ex once in passing when I was dating DH. I was never impressed by her and she could tell I had little regard for her.
After we got custody of SD she demanded a sit down with me and DH and told DH "unless your wife is to scared of me!" I laughed at this thinking that meth ex was so deluded to think I was scared of her, honestly I never had any cause to be around a used up meth whore. I told DH he could tell her that or not, but personally there would never ever be a sit down with her.
I have seen her from time to time around town and she always is the one who scurries away when she sees me.
When DH and I first started dating I was with DH when he had to pick up something from SS and he was at BM's house. BM came out when the skids came out to the car to show DH her engagement ring- she just got engaged! One of the girl skids said "he doesn't care." LOL! DH introduced us. She then walked away and my naive ass yelled out the window "It was so nice to meet you!" :O
I saw her 3 other times after that and she didn't acknowledge me: OSD's graduation, an award ceremony for SS (shocker!) and when she came and literally picked through DH's trash pile when he was moving out of his apartment and in with me.
After that I've seen her in passing- when SS lived with us and she would be waiting in our driveway to pick him up, etc.
For me, I thought it was important to at least meet BM because she was my DH's ex and mother of his children and I figured we would be apart of each other's lives. I guess like my own BM and SM. HA HA HA How wrong I was.
In my view, nothing good can come from meeting with a HCBM. It will just give her another outlet for manipulation and conflict.
I had an initial meeting with BM, where she gave me a perfunctory hand shake, told me her name and her SO's name (he sat there silently). Then she moved on to berating DH in front of their children.
After some crazy behavior on her part, directed at both DH and me, she tried to push for "the four of us" (me, DH, her, and her silent SO) to have a sit down. She used various reasons for this - sometimes it was about us (i.e. me not being her friend), sometimes it was about the kids. Each time, I told DH, these are your issues and neither I, nor her SO have any business sitting down to resolve conflicts you two have over your children. My DH is a super calm, optimistic person. He doesn't fly off the handle and he's not mean. Every time the two of them have had a sit down meeting to try to resolve issues they have (including their formal mediation), she turns it into a sh%t show, with screaming, crying, saying that DH is "questioning her as a mom". I don't have time for that in my life. Also, she would take offense at anything I would say and tell me I didn't know, because I'm not a mom, so not interested in that, either. The more I learn about her and the more I see her craziness directed at DH, the more sure I am in my initial decision to fully cut her off. If anyone has a problem with that, they can go ahead and have that problem. I won't put myself in harms way or take on any of her drama just to make her happy. My job is not to make her happy. I don't owe her anything. I'm nice to her children and we (DH, SSs, and I) are creating a family where the children feel comfortable and supported. BM's emotional needs don't matter to me. I didn't cause her divorce - she did. She chose to be divorced and to be a CP, so I don't even want to hear how hard it is for her. I don't care. I care about myself and my family. She is not part of my family and she never will be. She's an adult and she can manage herself. If anyone else has a problem with that (and I know that some members of DH's family do), they can keep it to themselves, because I won't put myself in harm's way or give her drama even five seconds of my time and that includes dealing with anyone else's drama over the fact that I do not interact with BM.
I think if a BM is demanding a meeting to see if the new gf is fit to be around her kids, this is a sure sign of Crazy!
Crazy BMs tend to project all their insecurities and failings onto others. So if she's accusing the new gf/SM of something and wants to meet her just to be sure she's fit, then it's a pretty good bet that's exactly what the new gf/SM will be dealing with from her.
I met BM accidentally on purpose (on her part) after one of SSs games. DH was a coach, BM had come to watch the game and was taking SS home with her.
She'd stared at me during the whole game and then rushed up behind us and cleared her throat loudly as DH and I were leaving. He turned and introduced us. We said hi and walked out.
She then called DH asking how serious we were, was I going to be at all the skids games, were we moving in together? None of your business was his response.
After that we had a couple of quick altercations. She always wanted to start a fight. I would just agree with whatever she said and not add anything. It frustrated her and she left me alone.
We would see her at skid games but never talked to her.
I wanted to meet exH new gf but never demanded a meeting. I'm just nosey and wanted to meet her. ExH had had a previous gf for about 5-7 years that he'd never introduced to anyone, not the kids, not family, especially not me. So I was curious about the new gf.
After about 3 months my youngest son demanded to meet her. She expressed an interest in meeting me and so my son set it up.
She's very nice and I like her a lot.
I avoid communication with the beastie... She doesn’t do much for the Skids, and if she asked for something formal I’d be worried she’s up to something... of course any contact we have had hasn’t been pleasant... So there’s that...
it's a good question - ask yourself - what are you being interviewed for? child-minding an abandoned POS that brings her misery after the baby trap fantasy turned into a living hell. If the BD deems you suitable to be around the slime that stuck, then that's the decision she must live with. my advice, don't do it, I did and my DH regrets it to this day saying he's an idiot for ever listening to her BS.
Nope someone suggested that I try to reach out to BM....I said no way. BM has requested that DH meet up with her ALONE to discuss things and he declined of course. I have never met the harpy nor do I want to.
tank, you never met her, that's an enviable position - I would want that in hindsight.
she wants to be alone with him, oh yes she thinks life is a magic roundabout, he still lusts me we'll have secrets just me and him - harpy b*tch heaven
I wanted to meet SM because I thought it was 'the right thing to do' since BS would be spending time with her & ex-DH wanted a comfortable blended family. Ex-DH had been a rather inactive father after the divorce due to changes in his work so we spoke of coordinating rules/expectations between households & offered new visitation options. SM was Ukrainian, new to the USA, so I also wanted to help her feel comfortable. I was running with the idea that the more caring adults with low conflict that BS had around, the better it would be. Purchased a Christmas present for her from BS; taught BS basic courtesy Russian phrases, etc.
Silly of me. Quite silly of me in hindsight.
SM came from a different culture which apparently valued biokids & stepkids differently than I was familiar with. Essentially, biokids are sent to the dacha with grandmother to raise, and stepkids are never to be seen or heard. Of course, the age difference between SM & ex-DH, the cultural differences, the daily vodka, the hatred of BS & the violence eventually destroyed that marriage.
I feel badly for ex-DH since I think he really cared for her. Now he has 6-year-old twins living in a rural dacha in the Ukraine with their grandmother. US citizens. Unfortunately, he has no contact, no access and hasn't seen them for years.
Next time ex-DH marries, I will likely do the same thing and be willing to meet SM. BS is getting older, but I still agree with ex-DH about HOW we'd all like to live and co-parent.
If I had to share any holiday (we're official not inviting her to birthday parties for the skids either anymore after her ruining both SD4's actual birthday by being drunk, and her party by being a demanding narcissist who punished the Skids if the attention wasn't fully on her... From everyone) I might literally keel over attempting to pretend to be polite while she messed with everything and flirted with DH...
Then again... I might just not show... And I'd expect DH to do the same... We don't need her psychotic drama...
I'm glad you guys have such a well working thing going on... I wish it could be that way.
BM had her chance to meet me a long time ago. Actually, many chances. Instead, she chose to shout vulgarities at me, several times, across crowded public parking lots, while playing the whole “I don’t know momjeans! She can’t be around my child!” to DH.
No. Instead, and after months and months of parental alienation (because “daddy has a girlfriend and doesn’t love US, skid.” -BM), she then buckled under pressure in family court and changed her tune. She requested that the court appointed child therapist meet ME, to make sure I was a sane and “safe person” to be around skid. I refused at first, but then agreed - just so DH could resume seeing skid ASAP.
In hindsight, I would have stood my ground and NEVER agreed to doing it. We weren’t married at the time. Chances are the court couldn’t have enforced it.
It was utterly ridiculous.
After the violent outburst, the police reports, the shouting at me in public places, calling my house asking for him and hanging up on me mid sentence — it was now up to me to prove what a decent person I am!? And not that I was going to be allowed to be around skid on my own, while DH was at work or anything, but my character had to be examined. It was laughable at best.
So, no. It serves me no purpose to officially meet BM — ever. No matter what the reason is. It’s of no importance to me and my well-being to ever give her the floor to speak to me, or to try and throw her weight around with me. I’m the queen of this castle and she doesn’t exist in my world any longer.
My BM requested to meet me. SO didn't tell me about it the first two or three times apparently. She got extra crappy with him about it months later so he suggested I go along for drop off after he knew my stance. I was less than amused. Based on her previous nonsense I knew all she was looking to do was size me up. Whatever.
Her motives for meeting me were not at all related to the well-being of the boys.
I hope she accomplished whatever it was she thought she was going to with that. Putting all of the puzzle pieces together
I can only assume it was based in insecurity. Kind of hard to not pity that.
Honestly, even with a nutter I wouldn't think much of a casual meeting in passing. An interview/interrogation meeting under any circumstances? Never. An otherwise demanded meeting? Infuriating totally on principle.
You know your situation best. If you're going to resent it - for whatever reason - Don't do it. If you think it's ridiculous but otherwise no skin off your nose proceed with caution.
If you get some DH pressure that doesn't resolve with conversation handle that issue separately. As in if you really don't care about a wave from the car but you kind of want to throat punch DH for pushing you into it on HER terms then address that boundary rather than the actual act of being put on display to satisfy her curiosity.
DH it makes me feel like you're more concerned about satisfying her delusions than you are about respecting my feelings on this. There is no reason for her to interview me, I'm not the one co-parenting with her and you're fully capable of making decisions for your children seeing as how you're their father. We aren't going to have a friendly casual conversation and decide to be friends - that doesn't happen on demand. Does she require the same with every adult SSs come into contact with? Are you looking to get her permission or approval to be with me?
And if that's not what this is then why does she insist she has to meet me under very specific circumstances she dictates? Can you see why that makes me feel less inclined to agree?
I don't know. If I think about the stupidity of my summoned presence my initial reaction is to laugh at the absurdity.
It did allow for some good conversation between SO & I and ultimately it was my decision. It was totally pointless and useless from where I'm sitting but again I'm not carrying the same baggage as her.
I would never. IMO, having been on this site for quite a few years now, it never comes to any good. They always have an agenda and I just don't think it is necessary. It is up to your DH and her to sort out stuff over the kids, not you. If you get involved you will most certainly end up regretting it.
If anyone ever tells me to "reach out to BM", I would suggest that they reach out to a piranha and let me know what their hand looks like afterward, IF they get it back.
Don't listen to people who don't know what they are talking about. Follow your gut.
No. DH and I have been together for 6 years and I haven't met BM. I would have been willing to meet her very early on in the relationship before I learned what a nut case she was. She has made my life miserable. Sometimes, I believe, she does it purposely but mostly just because of her personality. She is irresponsible, impulsive, and lacks boundaries, which has made it a nightmare dealing with her and the skids.
However, now SD is soon to be 18 and will graduate from high school this year. She has recently talked about feeling uncomfortable inviting both us and her mom to school plays and she doesn't know how graduation will work. That is something that I didn't want to happen. It's not SD's responsibility to keep us apart. DH and I have told her to invite everyone she wants to whatever events are going on and we will handle things like adults. So, I will likely have to meet and be cordial to BM in the near future. But, deep down I'll want to curse her out for not paying the thousands of dollars she owes us.
I think it depends on the circumstances. I'm not a SM, I'm just the girlfriend, although I spend a lot of time with my SO's 2 young kids. I met SO's ex unexpectedly. SO had asked BM's brother to drop something off at his house and she came along. We exchanged pleasantries and that was that. I've since run into her occasionally during drop off/pick up and we're cordial. I also attended a joint birthday party for one of the kids, although I spent more time talking with BM's relatives than with her. I find being with her a little awkward, but we're always polite and nice to each other. I haven't seen any evidence of crazy, and she's a good mother. She and SO are friendly and cooperative. Both of them come from step-family situations that were amicable, so I think their expectation is that they (and their future partners) will remain friendly and cooperative. If she asked to meet with me, I would. However, in a high conflict situation, I wouldn't want to go anywhere near the ex.
Comments
As in a first time meeting?
As in a first time meeting? Or she has met you before but wants to talk to you privately about something?
Good question. Our BM
Good question. Our BM withheld SD because she NEEDED to meet me to make sure I'm not a psycho (which she is) or for whatever reason. That was before the CO. The court told BM that DH does not need to introduce us unless there's a legitimate reason to believe SD is in danger but that was never the case.
I've met her of course but it's always been a control issue with her.
Which is hilarious because
Which is hilarious because after they meet you they STILL will withhold visitation as "punishment" for biodad DARING to move on!!!
As in first time meeting.
As in first time meeting.
If BM has so far been polite
If BM has so far been polite and respectful towards you I would say that meeting her briefly at an exchange could be polite. A brief ‘hello, nice to meet you’ is all that is needed. That way it is done and over with (and not being made into a big deal) and she can see who is around her kid. It is in no way necessary though, so if you feel pressured or uncomfortable do not do it.
We tried to be adults and reasonable plolite people when I first moved in with my then fiancé. We all (sd, BM, my husband and BM) went to a pottery painting place once and out to lunch another time. I would also try to make conversation when BM came to our house to pick up sd. But it seems that playing at being friendly was beyond bm’s capabilities when she started to message me about how my husband was cheating on me with her and how he was an awful man. When she insisted on clauses in their parenting plan that I never be left alone with sd. And then finally when she pushed her way into our house, refused to leave and pushed me to the ground. After I called the police with that incident my husband worked out that it was best to keep BM and I apart, so I was no longer expected to be in her presence.
So I would say that keep any meeting as a brief thing that happens in passing and keep things (and her) at a polite distance. You two are unlikely to be friends so don’t bother trying to pretend that it is possible but equally avoiding one another completely may be impractical.
Dup.
Dup.
Dup.
Dup.
No. 1) DH already made the
No.
1) DH already made the determination that I am fit to be around SS - it's his son too,he's perfectly capable of making that determination.
2) I'm not the one parenting. DH is. I only support him.
3) What purpose would it serve? What if she doesn't like me... is she going to demand dad no longer be with me?
If she knows nothing about you, there is nothing for her to throw back at you, other than the fact that she knows nothing about you.
There is NO REASON to meet BM. You and her have nothing to do with each other. Any of her issues should be directed to your DH... and any issues about you are none of her business.
I agree with this. The ex
I agree with this.
The ex husband already made the determination of me (or you) being fit to be around him and the children.
ExW's opinion of exH's judgment skills are irrelevant.
You (or I) are not at the beck and call of the exW for meetings.
We are not in a relationship with her.
The less you have to do with the ex wife, the happier you will be.
We attempted to faciltate a
We attempted to faciltate a meeting between me and BM just to be polite but that was a big sh*t show.
One moment she wouldn't.
The next she demanded to.
Then she wouldn't.
Then she was setting up this day trip with the kids and wanted us all to go to but never made any attempt to ensure speak to us about when and got pissed when I was available because of work so then she refused again.
Then she was pissed because SO wouldn't jump to meet her new guy who was like the 3 one in about 2 months.
It was really not worth even caring about after the first month. For her it was all about appearances.
When I finally did 'meet' her it was one of the most uncomfortable things for all involved. I say 'meet' because she did not acknowledge my presence. Walked over and took over the whole thing. It ended with her helping the kids get into SO's car while I'm not 3 feet away waiting to get in and she still hasn't so much as directly looked at me.
I've been around her a hand full of times and for the most part we do not speak at all and basically ignore each other.
OH but get this. She want's to take the kids on this big special trip in the summer and she wants us to go too. Like one big happy family. BULL. She want's us to go because then we will be duped into paying for almost everything involving the kids and she can dump them on us and go play but still look like she's the most amazing mom. SO of course shot down that idea right away.
BioHo WANTS to meet me
BioHo WANTS to meet me one-on-one, but she can go p!ss up a rope. Why in the world would I want to waste my time? So I can tell her:
* You're a crappy mother and should never have had children,
* Yes, I (and men in a 100-mile radius) know you're a cheating 'ho,
* I have zero respect for you and think you should have been born sterile,
* You're a narcissistic POS and I hope you fall of the face of the earth 5 seconds after PigPen ages out/leaves home.
There is NOTHING that 'Ho wants to say to me that will affect me, my love for DH, or how I live my life. Her opinions are as valuable as a flea on a piece of whale poop at the bottom of the Mariana Trench.
don't hold back, now, ani -
don't hold back, now, ani - tell us how you REALLY feel!
<3
I'll try, Tuff...
I'll try, Tuff...
Yeah I feel the same way. I
Yeah I feel the same way. I have never met BM nor do I want to. I don't even want to be anywhere near her.
Tank, I was around BioHo
Tank, I was around BioHo once. It was a VERY crowded venue and was for SDthen19, who asked me to be there. I could see her (I have excellent peripheral and bangs perfect for secretive glancing) flat out STARING at me. I said NOTHING to 'Ho. In fact, I never acknowledged her and acted like she was invisible.
Do you want to put this in
Do you want to put this in template form and mail it out to my Skid's BM?... Like in bulk.. I think one should arrive twice a day for the next year... Especially since she's preggo after not ever taking care of the first two and causing them issues up the wall... I just feel maybe extreme repetition will start getting it through that thick narcissistic skull of hers....
I have met her a few times,
I have met her a few times, by accident really rather than by design. Only once did I know about it in advance - when we had to attend an ice skating party with SD21 and her little friends, because we were going away for the weekend and it was on the way.
NPD BM got a rather cold reception from me when she decided to try ordering me about like a skivvy.
These days, I would rather poke hot wires into my eyes than go anywhere where she might be. DH teases me sometimes and says he has invited NPD BM and her so-called husband(they don't live together) to dinner, it's his way of making a little joke.
I have a 3 year timescale which I have told DH about - NPD BM has to behave well for 3 years before I will even consider her as a human being. So far she has only ever made it to about 6 months. Then she has to start from the beginning again
I WANTED to meet BM, first
I WANTED to meet BM, first because I thought it was the "right thing to do", but then because I needed to know what level of crazy she was. I think I had more to gain from meeting her than she did with me.
DH demanded to meet BM's new
DH demanded to meet BM's new husband. I thought it was a little ridiculous, but whatever. I think he just wanted to see who BM had cheated on him with.
I already knew BM, so that's a non-issue for us. She'd like to pretend I don't exist and I hate dealing with her, so we're good.
I met meth ex once in passing
I met meth ex once in passing when I was dating DH. I was never impressed by her and she could tell I had little regard for her.
After we got custody of SD she demanded a sit down with me and DH and told DH "unless your wife is to scared of me!" I laughed at this thinking that meth ex was so deluded to think I was scared of her, honestly I never had any cause to be around a used up meth whore. I told DH he could tell her that or not, but personally there would never ever be a sit down with her.
I have seen her from time to time around town and she always is the one who scurries away when she sees me.
When DH and I first started
When DH and I first started dating I was with DH when he had to pick up something from SS and he was at BM's house. BM came out when the skids came out to the car to show DH her engagement ring- she just got engaged! One of the girl skids said "he doesn't care." LOL! DH introduced us. She then walked away and my naive ass yelled out the window "It was so nice to meet you!" :O
I saw her 3 other times after that and she didn't acknowledge me: OSD's graduation, an award ceremony for SS (shocker!) and when she came and literally picked through DH's trash pile when he was moving out of his apartment and in with me.
After that I've seen her in passing- when SS lived with us and she would be waiting in our driveway to pick him up, etc.
For me, I thought it was important to at least meet BM because she was my DH's ex and mother of his children and I figured we would be apart of each other's lives. I guess like my own BM and SM. HA HA HA How wrong I was.
I wouldn't, if I were you.
I wouldn't, if I were you.
In my view, nothing good can come from meeting with a HCBM. It will just give her another outlet for manipulation and conflict.
I had an initial meeting with BM, where she gave me a perfunctory hand shake, told me her name and her SO's name (he sat there silently). Then she moved on to berating DH in front of their children.
After some crazy behavior on her part, directed at both DH and me, she tried to push for "the four of us" (me, DH, her, and her silent SO) to have a sit down. She used various reasons for this - sometimes it was about us (i.e. me not being her friend), sometimes it was about the kids. Each time, I told DH, these are your issues and neither I, nor her SO have any business sitting down to resolve conflicts you two have over your children. My DH is a super calm, optimistic person. He doesn't fly off the handle and he's not mean. Every time the two of them have had a sit down meeting to try to resolve issues they have (including their formal mediation), she turns it into a sh%t show, with screaming, crying, saying that DH is "questioning her as a mom". I don't have time for that in my life. Also, she would take offense at anything I would say and tell me I didn't know, because I'm not a mom, so not interested in that, either. The more I learn about her and the more I see her craziness directed at DH, the more sure I am in my initial decision to fully cut her off. If anyone has a problem with that, they can go ahead and have that problem. I won't put myself in harms way or take on any of her drama just to make her happy. My job is not to make her happy. I don't owe her anything. I'm nice to her children and we (DH, SSs, and I) are creating a family where the children feel comfortable and supported. BM's emotional needs don't matter to me. I didn't cause her divorce - she did. She chose to be divorced and to be a CP, so I don't even want to hear how hard it is for her. I don't care. I care about myself and my family. She is not part of my family and she never will be. She's an adult and she can manage herself. If anyone else has a problem with that (and I know that some members of DH's family do), they can keep it to themselves, because I won't put myself in harm's way or give her drama even five seconds of my time and that includes dealing with anyone else's drama over the fact that I do not interact with BM.
I think if a BM is demanding
I think if a BM is demanding a meeting to see if the new gf is fit to be around her kids, this is a sure sign of Crazy!
Crazy BMs tend to project all their insecurities and failings onto others. So if she's accusing the new gf/SM of something and wants to meet her just to be sure she's fit, then it's a pretty good bet that's exactly what the new gf/SM will be dealing with from her.
I met BM accidentally on purpose (on her part) after one of SSs games. DH was a coach, BM had come to watch the game and was taking SS home with her.
She'd stared at me during the whole game and then rushed up behind us and cleared her throat loudly as DH and I were leaving. He turned and introduced us. We said hi and walked out.
She then called DH asking how serious we were, was I going to be at all the skids games, were we moving in together? None of your business was his response.
After that we had a couple of quick altercations. She always wanted to start a fight. I would just agree with whatever she said and not add anything. It frustrated her and she left me alone.
We would see her at skid games but never talked to her.
I wanted to meet exH new gf but never demanded a meeting. I'm just nosey and wanted to meet her. ExH had had a previous gf for about 5-7 years that he'd never introduced to anyone, not the kids, not family, especially not me. So I was curious about the new gf.
After about 3 months my youngest son demanded to meet her. She expressed an interest in meeting me and so my son set it up.
She's very nice and I like her a lot.
I avoid communication with
I avoid communication with the beastie... She doesn’t do much for the Skids, and if she asked for something formal I’d be worried she’s up to something... of course any contact we have had hasn’t been pleasant... So there’s that...
it's a good question - ask
it's a good question - ask yourself - what are you being interviewed for? child-minding an abandoned POS that brings her misery after the baby trap fantasy turned into a living hell. If the BD deems you suitable to be around the slime that stuck, then that's the decision she must live with. my advice, don't do it, I did and my DH regrets it to this day saying he's an idiot for ever listening to her BS.
Is BM asking to meet you? Why
Is BM asking to meet you? Why now?
Nope someone suggested that I
Nope someone suggested that I try to reach out to BM....I said no way. BM has requested that DH meet up with her ALONE to discuss things and he declined of course. I have never met the harpy nor do I want to.
She probably wants to bully
She probably wants to bully DH into making a decision out of court.
tank, you never met her,
tank, you never met her, that's an enviable position - I would want that in hindsight.
she wants to be alone with him, oh yes she thinks life is a magic roundabout, he still lusts me we'll have secrets just me and him - harpy b*tch heaven
LOL....jollybean
LOL....jollybean }:)
I wanted to meet SM because I
I wanted to meet SM because I thought it was 'the right thing to do' since BS would be spending time with her & ex-DH wanted a comfortable blended family. Ex-DH had been a rather inactive father after the divorce due to changes in his work so we spoke of coordinating rules/expectations between households & offered new visitation options. SM was Ukrainian, new to the USA, so I also wanted to help her feel comfortable. I was running with the idea that the more caring adults with low conflict that BS had around, the better it would be. Purchased a Christmas present for her from BS; taught BS basic courtesy Russian phrases, etc.
Silly of me. Quite silly of me in hindsight.
SM came from a different culture which apparently valued biokids & stepkids differently than I was familiar with. Essentially, biokids are sent to the dacha with grandmother to raise, and stepkids are never to be seen or heard. Of course, the age difference between SM & ex-DH, the cultural differences, the daily vodka, the hatred of BS & the violence eventually destroyed that marriage.
I feel badly for ex-DH since I think he really cared for her. Now he has 6-year-old twins living in a rural dacha in the Ukraine with their grandmother. US citizens. Unfortunately, he has no contact, no access and hasn't seen them for years.
Next time ex-DH marries, I will likely do the same thing and be willing to meet SM. BS is getting older, but I still agree with ex-DH about HOW we'd all like to live and co-parent.
Did I mention that ex-DH, BS,
Did I mention that ex-DH, BS, SO, SO's father (98), myself & my mother (89) all shared Thanksgiving together?
If I had to share any holiday
If I had to share any holiday (we're official not inviting her to birthday parties for the skids either anymore after her ruining both SD4's actual birthday by being drunk, and her party by being a demanding narcissist who punished the Skids if the attention wasn't fully on her... From everyone) I might literally keel over attempting to pretend to be polite while she messed with everything and flirted with DH...
Then again... I might just not show... And I'd expect DH to do the same... We don't need her psychotic drama...
I'm glad you guys have such a well working thing going on... I wish it could be that way.
If she specifically asked to
If she specifically asked to meet me, no I would not.
No. And here’s why: BM had
No. And here’s why:
BM had her chance to meet me a long time ago. Actually, many chances. Instead, she chose to shout vulgarities at me, several times, across crowded public parking lots, while playing the whole “I don’t know momjeans! She can’t be around my child!” to DH.
No. Instead, and after months and months of parental alienation (because “daddy has a girlfriend and doesn’t love US, skid.” -BM), she then buckled under pressure in family court and changed her tune. She requested that the court appointed child therapist meet ME, to make sure I was a sane and “safe person” to be around skid. I refused at first, but then agreed - just so DH could resume seeing skid ASAP.
In hindsight, I would have stood my ground and NEVER agreed to doing it. We weren’t married at the time. Chances are the court couldn’t have enforced it.
It was utterly ridiculous.
After the violent outburst, the police reports, the shouting at me in public places, calling my house asking for him and hanging up on me mid sentence — it was now up to me to prove what a decent person I am!? And not that I was going to be allowed to be around skid on my own, while DH was at work or anything, but my character had to be examined. It was laughable at best.
So, no. It serves me no purpose to officially meet BM — ever. No matter what the reason is. It’s of no importance to me and my well-being to ever give her the floor to speak to me, or to try and throw her weight around with me. I’m the queen of this castle and she doesn’t exist in my world any longer.
My BM requested to meet me.
My BM requested to meet me. SO didn't tell me about it the first two or three times apparently. She got extra crappy with him about it months later so he suggested I go along for drop off after he knew my stance. I was less than amused. Based on her previous nonsense I knew all she was looking to do was size me up. Whatever.
Her motives for meeting me were not at all related to the well-being of the boys.
I hope she accomplished whatever it was she thought she was going to with that. Putting all of the puzzle pieces together
I can only assume it was based in insecurity. Kind of hard to not pity that.
Honestly, even with a nutter I wouldn't think much of a casual meeting in passing. An interview/interrogation meeting under any circumstances? Never. An otherwise demanded meeting? Infuriating totally on principle.
You know your situation best. If you're going to resent it - for whatever reason - Don't do it. If you think it's ridiculous but otherwise no skin off your nose proceed with caution.
If you get some DH pressure that doesn't resolve with conversation handle that issue separately. As in if you really don't care about a wave from the car but you kind of want to throat punch DH for pushing you into it on HER terms then address that boundary rather than the actual act of being put on display to satisfy her curiosity.
DH it makes me feel like you're more concerned about satisfying her delusions than you are about respecting my feelings on this. There is no reason for her to interview me, I'm not the one co-parenting with her and you're fully capable of making decisions for your children seeing as how you're their father. We aren't going to have a friendly casual conversation and decide to be friends - that doesn't happen on demand. Does she require the same with every adult SSs come into contact with? Are you looking to get her permission or approval to be with me?
And if that's not what this is then why does she insist she has to meet me under very specific circumstances she dictates? Can you see why that makes me feel less inclined to agree?
I don't know. If I think about the stupidity of my summoned presence my initial reaction is to laugh at the absurdity.
It did allow for some good conversation between SO & I and ultimately it was my decision. It was totally pointless and useless from where I'm sitting but again I'm not carrying the same baggage as her.
I would never. IMO, having
I would never. IMO, having been on this site for quite a few years now, it never comes to any good. They always have an agenda and I just don't think it is necessary. It is up to your DH and her to sort out stuff over the kids, not you. If you get involved you will most certainly end up regretting it.
Not that i'm cynical or anything
someone suggested that I try
someone suggested that I try to reach out to BM
Tell that someone to mind their own business.
If anyone ever tells me to "reach out to BM", I would suggest that they reach out to a piranha and let me know what their hand looks like afterward, IF they get it back.
Don't listen to people who don't know what they are talking about. Follow your gut.
No. DH and I have been
No. DH and I have been together for 6 years and I haven't met BM. I would have been willing to meet her very early on in the relationship before I learned what a nut case she was. She has made my life miserable. Sometimes, I believe, she does it purposely but mostly just because of her personality. She is irresponsible, impulsive, and lacks boundaries, which has made it a nightmare dealing with her and the skids.
However, now SD is soon to be 18 and will graduate from high school this year. She has recently talked about feeling uncomfortable inviting both us and her mom to school plays and she doesn't know how graduation will work. That is something that I didn't want to happen. It's not SD's responsibility to keep us apart. DH and I have told her to invite everyone she wants to whatever events are going on and we will handle things like adults. So, I will likely have to meet and be cordial to BM in the near future. But, deep down I'll want to curse her out for not paying the thousands of dollars she owes us.
I think it depends on the
I think it depends on the circumstances. I'm not a SM, I'm just the girlfriend, although I spend a lot of time with my SO's 2 young kids. I met SO's ex unexpectedly. SO had asked BM's brother to drop something off at his house and she came along. We exchanged pleasantries and that was that. I've since run into her occasionally during drop off/pick up and we're cordial. I also attended a joint birthday party for one of the kids, although I spent more time talking with BM's relatives than with her. I find being with her a little awkward, but we're always polite and nice to each other. I haven't seen any evidence of crazy, and she's a good mother. She and SO are friendly and cooperative. Both of them come from step-family situations that were amicable, so I think their expectation is that they (and their future partners) will remain friendly and cooperative. If she asked to meet with me, I would. However, in a high conflict situation, I wouldn't want to go anywhere near the ex.
No never, I have nothing in
No never, I have nothing in common with her, she's not my friend nor my family, her past has nothing to do with me ,
I never met BM officially she tried cornering me one say in the supermarket, I smiles said hello, excuse me and ignored her...