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Spoiled brat!!

tankh21's picture

It was DH's weekend again to have the skids. He went and got a trailed on Saturday so I watched the skids for him for a few hours. Then yesterday for about half a day I left to have some "me" time. When I got home I made some hamburgers. The trash was full and I saw all this food in the trash. OSS had cooked food but wasted most of it and I saw one of the hamburgers I cooked in the trash. I told DH that this is not acceptable. SS has been told time and again if he doesn't want food then leave it on the counter.

I could've fed the hamburger to my dogs and mixed in their dog food instead of him wasting it. So DH calls OSS out to the kitchen and asks him why he threw all that food away. SS looks at him with a blank stare and says that he didn't want to hurt my feelings. I asked him why would you think that you would hurt my feelings. He said because you aren't a very good cook. I laughed and said I am a way better cook than your mother is.

I know that I probably shouldn't have said that but I was so frustrated that it just came out. I told him well I bet you wouldn't say this to your mother or be disrespecful to her or your stepdad like you are to your dad and me. I said stop wasting food you don't buy it and you can start making your own food from now on since I am not a very good cook.

I told DH that I meant what I said that his kid can make his own food from now on. I guess I was being petty attacking BM but it felt good to do it. This kid idolizes BM and his stepdad and treats DH and me like garbage and frankly I am tired of it! Was I out of line?


lieutenant_dad's picture

Yes, you were out of line. Even if you were a 5 star chef, he could still have a dislike for food. I don't think he was trying to be disrespectful when he said he thought you weren't a good cook; I think he just didn't have as polished of a reply as "I don't like your cooking" because he's 12.

You saying things about BM isn't going to make him idolize her less. You just gave him more ammunition to think that you're the monster he already thinks you are. He loves his mother, and even if he hates her cooking, he's going to hate it even less now just to spite you.

If you cannot handle telling your DH NO and maling him take care of his own kids on his time, and if you can't bite your tongue to spew venom at a kid who did a wrong-but-kid-like action, then you need to walk away. Actions like this make your life, and theirs, worse.

You owe OSS an apology for what you said about his BM.

Curious Georgetta's picture

He is a child and he by his actions was trying to be sensitive to your feelings.. It is fine to not cool for him. Make spreading good for him your husband's responsibility.  I do not believe in wasting food ,but to be honest ,if you are not in a state of extreme poverty, the cost of what the kid wasted is probably less than nominal.

It is easier just to let his dad deal with the food issue or keep a small cache of food that the kid can prepare for himself.



tankh21's picture

lieutenant_dad I will admit that I shouldn't have brought BM into this situation however, the kid was being a little smart*** and laughing when he said that I wasn't a good cook so to me it was intentional. I will apologize for what I said about his BM but I will not apologize for anything else I said. This kid is also a manipulator just like his mother. Please read my other blogs. I cannot leave any kind of personal information out in my own house because he will be telling BM or taking pictures for her. The kid already has it in his head that his dad and me are the enemies yes I am giving more ammo for him and BM to put into their arsenals but at the same time I am also not going to be disrespected in my house. I work hard for my money and I don't like my money wasted especially by someone who appreciates nothing.

lieutenant_dad's picture

I've read 90% or more of your blogs, and my honest assessment is that your DH can't/won't parent, he's abusive to you, and you can't handle the situation and shouldn't.

If this kid is THAT manipulative, why do you put yourself in danger by spending ANY alone time with him?

If the kids are ungrateful, why do you do ANYTHING for them like cook or babysit?

YOU contribute to the problem by not changing the situation. It's easy to mouth off about BM. It's hard to tell DH to deal with his kids and hold HIM accountable. The kids are terrors because BM and DH BOTH allow it, and you drive yourself batty by staying in this situation.

All because your DH is wrong 90% of the time and the kids are manipulative/bratty/disrespectful 90% of the time doesn't mean you get a free pass for retaliating when you hit your limit. I empathize. Heck, I sympathize with you in a lot of ways. However, you're only making this worse on yourself.

I'll stop replying on your blogs if you like. I am not going to pat you on the back and tell you "you poor thing" because that isn't what you need. You are STRONGER than this BS. You CAN make changes. But you HAVR to rise above the pettiness. You have to realize you're playing a game where you will never win, so instead of trying, you should just walk away.

You're DH isn't magically going to be a better parent or partner. BM isn't magically going to stop being a GUBM. The kids aren't magically going to stop being brats. You can't fix this dynamic because the people involved don't want to fix it. Really think about that, and really think about whether you should keep wasting your time playing an unfair, fixed, losing game.

beebeel's picture

All of this. Tank, your skids haven't even STARTED acting fools. They are pretty normal kids and the things that drive you crazy...shouldn't. I can't even imagine how you will react when these little kid problems turn into big kid problems. Judging by how you react now? Not good. Not good at all.

Ladystark's picture

I dont think she owes him an apology...the preteen is 12? They have told him to leave food on the counter before.

Yes, the bm blow was out of frustration- we all have had our moments-  and kids going back and forth might forget rules, or mix rules up.

But at 12- if his bm guilts him to eat or makes him feel weird- he should not put that on sm.

This food issue irritates me, because i hate cooking, do not claim to be a good cook, and my ss has said ridiculas things about my time at 12 he was hanging out at his friends house alot- eating over there- didnt bother me any, but dh started feeling funny about him eating there all week long so the nextweek had him eat with us- ugh- this kid talked about the other moms food EVERY meal for 2 weeks- i tried to ignore it- i was not the one making him eat at home- but it was like he thought it was me so he made comments EVERY MEAL- finally i lossed it.  Like shut the eff up- you dont like my food dont eat it- make your own, or go back to friends! 

The food throw away thing was a problem when he was like 8, but last straw was he not only threw away food, but silverware too!   We dont have a dog, but ss would get seconds then not eat it, i told him a bunch, only eat what you can- so we can have the rest for leftovers- he would still get seconds, and id watch him wiggle in his chair, or make up some reason to leave table- when truth was he asked for more but could not eat it! 

Ugh tell them things a million times, they still dont get it. 

Who knew food, and chores, would just be the kill mode?! 

Maybe put a sign by trash cans- can you save this for dogs? Can the food be saved? 

Maybe he will stop and think a little. 

lieutenant_dad's picture

I think she owes SS an apology for the low-blow about BM, nothing more. I'll edit my reply to reflect that.

lieutenant_dad's picture

I think she owes SS an apology for the low-blow about BM, nothing more. I'll edit my reply to reflect that.

tankh21's picture

Thank you Ladystark. SS is 13 about to be 14 and like I said I will apologize about the blow to his BM however not for anything else. I am just going to stop cooking for him altogether and stop calling him when it's time to eat. He can fend for himself or DH can deal with him.

Ladystark's picture

I stopped calling ss down for dinner in 4th grade!

Now its on dh, and ss is 14 now- he whines about noone telling him about dinner- so i tell him to talk to his father- or come down and help out WITH dinner prep, so he is down here- then he laughs and says yeah right- then hides out in his room.  So i have no sympathy for ss. 

Yeah i read what others are saying- apologize and still add in a food reminder! Lol 


beebeel's picture

This had nothing to do with bm. And you don't even have clarity that you were out of line? I think you are completely miserable in this relationship and you need to do everyone a favor and end it. 

Your unwillingness to disengage is making a bad situation worse.

My dogs won't turn their nose at a burger that spent some time in the trash. You have the kid fish it out, brush it off and cut it up for the dogs. Boom. Problem solved. But no. You jumped his ass and insulted his mom. SMH.

tankh21's picture

Of course I jumped his a** he was laughing and being disrespectful typical teenager. You can shake your head at my saying what I said about BM but not for telling that kid that he is being disprectful to adults.

DaizyDuke's picture

To be honest, your DH was standing right there correct?  He was the one actually questioning SS about the food correct?  You should have let DH jump his ass... or not and if NOT, then by all means snap at DH later.  Now you need to apologizeto SS for the BM comment and just made yourself the "bad guy".  And of course SS is going to run back and tell BM verbatim everything you said. Again, you should have left it to DH to handle. 

Ladystark's picture

Ive been down that fight- dh ends up digging in trash not skid. 

tankh21's picture

I'm not going to leave my DH just because him and BM can't parent right. I thought I was doing this kid a favor but cooking healthier meals and trying to teach some structure I don't see anyone who is bahsing me giving me any credit for that. The only thing I should be getting bashed for is bringing BM into the situation. I am trying to do the right thing by backing off and letting the kid make his own food from now on or let DH handle it.

beebeel's picture

No one is going to give you credit for anything you try to do for those kids. Your own husband, their father, doesn't give you credit. The kids don't give you credit. I gave you credit two years ago or so when you started blogging under another name, but nothing has changed in that time. Nothing. You refuse to leave and you refuse to disengage, so nothing will change. You will continue beating your head against the same wall and you're still looking for credit from people who will never give it to you. 

You can call the advice telling you the actual problem "bashing" and you can continue to be so miserable you insult a child's mother to his face. Or you can change the only thing you have control over: you.

tankh21's picture

So if I just stop cooking for the kid and let him cook his own food or let DH deal with it solves some of it?

beebeel's picture

Sure. But disengaging is also a change of mind. You have to stop caring more about these things than your DH. If it's about wasting money that paid for the food, that's a different problem. Your DH would be causing financial issues even if he didn't have kids. I think you've blogged enough about finances that I know shit is tight for you guys. If you're anything like me, that causes a huge amount of stress for you. Each of these little incidents of waste makes you batty with stress and anxiety. But rather than rain holy hell down on your DH, you are taking it out on the skids. No bueno.

I learned that changing a person's parenting is damn near impossible. But you can demand your DH agrees to a budget and sticks to it. You can insist that he figures out a way to increase his income or decrease his spending. But unless you two come to a financial agreement, this relationship will be doomed like most because of money issues.

So, you need to either get him in line with a budget, or you need to accept that he's fine with wasting what little you have (which means saying nothing and doing nothing about stuff like this). You have to stop and think if one wasted burger is worth saying anything. Stop focusing on the smoke when there's fire. 

Aniki's picture

If you're going to stay with your husband, then disengage from his children. You are MISERABLE in your dealings with the skids.

Please take a biiiiig step back and look inside yourself. You can choose to be happy or unhappy. The actions you take make all of the difference. Let your husband cook for his children. Let the skids cook for themselves. Do not clean up after them. Cook for yourself and your dogs.

DarkStar's picture

She didn't call BM a name, she didn't cuss BM out or say nasty things about her, just the statement that she is a better cook than BM.  And she laughed as she was saying it, as SS was laughing when he made his statement.  Is anyone here throwing a fit demanding that SS should apologize to Tank?  Nope.

OOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHH........someone call the waaaaaaaaaambulance!  Good grief people.  Tank, I would NOT apologize to SS for ANYTHING you said and I would stop cooking for him.  Period.End.Dot.

DaizyDuke's picture

So it's NOT OK for SS to giggle and laugh and criticize Tank's cooking, but it IS OK for Tank to giggle and laugh and criticize BM's cooking?  I don't get that methodology?  how in the world does Tank even know a lick about BM's cooking anyway? 

tankh21's picture

Both skids have told me that their mother never cooks anything for them and DH says that he cooked everything when they were together. Honestly I don't know if she can cook anything or not.

ESMOD's picture

Lieutenant dad and Beebel are pretty spot on here Tankh.  You say you don't want to leave your husband because he and his EX can't parent... but another huge problem is that your DH doesn't "HUSBAND" well either and it's not just in relation to his kids and ex.  Remember your car situation?  Remember him pushing you to watch the kids during "his time" but used the excuse of "his time" within the same conversation to not do something that you wanted? Oh and he has a boat that he is spending all sorts of money on... but YOU are under a microscope if you buy anything but generic when you grocery shop?

The only times he ever backs you up in discipline and rules is when you make such a huge stink about something that he is only doing it to "shut you up." His kids don't respect you... but I am guessing a huge reason for that is that your DH makes no secret about the fact that he himself doesn't respect you.  When they know he really doesn't take your side.. what risk is there to laugh in your face? none.

Now, you say the kid was staring blank faced in your original post... but later say he was laughing.  So, I see a bit of a difference, but when his kid is laughing at your cooking skills why isn't his FATHER stepping in and putting a stop to it?  Because he agrees? or because he thinks your making a mountain out of a molehill? Believe me, if my SDs said anything like that to me... I wouldn't have had to say a thing because their father would have laid into them proper.

And.. you know you can't just back away... you have posted things like the above statement about "if I just don't do X... that will make a difference" before.  Not only do you go right back to doing whatever... and engaging fully with the kids, it probably wouldn't matter anyway because your DH is the biggest problem you have... kids and BM are a distant 2nd.


tankh21's picture

Yes he had a blank stare then he laughed after he said that I wasn't a good cook and I said what I said about BM being sarcastic and laughing even louder. I guess I forgot to add that into my blog entry.

ndc's picture

I think ESMOD is spot on. The problem here, and it's so apparent from your blogs, is your DH.  The BM and skids are major annoyances, and often the catalyst for the DH problem, but it is a DH problem through and through.  HE does not appear to value or respect you, so there's no way his kids are going to.  I am sure there are a lot of good things in your relationship that you don't blog about, otherwise I'm sure you would be long gone. 

I would want to disengage from and stop cooking for the ingrate skid and let his father bear the brunt of having him around.  But I guess you need to look at the entire picture, and how your DH will react to that (since you want to stay with your DH).  I know my SO would not react well if I stopped doing things for his kids (although they're much younger).  Good luck - you're in a tough situation.  

steppingback's picture

Skid will only see it as a sign of weakness and repeat it to BM. Don't make any more comments about BM again, but let this incident go. Such self-flaggelation by Step Moms is just ridiculous. I made a little mistake I will throw myself on the floor so they can stomp on me some more. For all the rudeness you get one slip up is no crime. You are only human.

No apology. No more cooking. 

secret's picture

unfair to bring BM into it - I would have said "well i'm a better cook than YOU, and since you don't like my cooking, you can make your own food from now on."

I wouldn't apologize, though. Whether it was blank stare or it was laughing, you teach people how to treat you - and if you bend over and apologize for saying things that are true, even if unfair, then you will always have to bend over.

Move past it - next time you cook, don't cook for him... when he asks where his is... say that since he said he didn't like your cooking and throws it in the garbage instead of leaving it on the counter, that you didn't make him any because you told him he was responsible for his own food from now on.

If DH doesn't like it, DH can suck it.

StepMamaBear6's picture

I think it was terribly disrespectful for an almost 14 year old kid to say you don't cook very well.  If any of my kids said that to me, they wouldn't be eating anything but a gummy vitamin, apple slices and peanut butter sandwiches for a VERY long time.  I can't even imagine it happening.  My kids have enough fear of consequences to ever say something rude like that to me or anyone else.

Cooooookies's picture

Exactly what robin333 asked.  SS15 drives me mad buy my DH is wonderful to me.  He'll get up early to take me to work, makes sure I have leftover dinner to take for lunch the next day.  Leaves me love notes, cleans the house for me, makes special trips to get whatever food or drink I've run out of.  Will do laundry, cooks dinner majority of nights, would really do anything for me so I don't take advantage.  Makes me laugh every single day.  Not to mention the wonderful "adult" time.

So while he's a clueless dad, he is an amazing husband.  I know this is a venting site but, Tank, what does this man do for you?  Does he make you smile, laugh, do kind gestures, rock your socks off in bed?  Anything?  It just seems like all he does is disrespect you, undermine your authority, mock you and really treat you horribly.  I'm wondering if you don't see it because you're in the eye of the storm with everything whirling around you.

READ your blogs.  What does this man do for you that's even remotely kind?  It doesn't look like much...if anything.  Then, on top of that, he lets his little spawn creatures walk all over you as well.  What are you getting out of this man that makes you take such horrible treatment?  Seems to me you deserve so much more.

tankh21's picture

He does do things for me. He buys me flowers and texts me and tells me that he is thinking about me everyday. He gives me massages without me asking him. He helps my family.

Cooooookies's picture

That's a very short list compared to the volumes of blogs here.  Do flowers and texts make up for the blatant disregard and disrespect that he shows you?  That he teaches his children to show you?  He helps your family...what does he do to help you?  None of the few items you listed help the household.  Flowers and texts do not support you.  Especially if they come after he's done something to make you feel upset.

What does he do to make your life easier?  What does he say to back you up or hold you up when you're feeling down or frustrated?  What does he do to be a team player?  What does he do to make you feel valued, truly valued and loved?

If my DH and SS15 sat there and laughed at my upset and 'made up for it' by taking 10 seconds out of his day to send an "I love you" text?  That is just lip service.  A quickie to keep you quiet and in tow.  What I didn't blog here is that DH had a talk with SS and told him if he ever was so selfish and blatantly spiteful towards me again, he'd hang him by his ears.  As the saying goes.

When has your DH demanded your skids every respect you and treat you with decency?  Have they ever apologized.  Has DH...and meant it?  READ your blogs, tank.  Despite what you try and convince yourself, this is not right.  You are not being cherished or supported.  You DO deserve better.

tankh21's picture

Thank you Cooooookies. He has reprimanded the skids sometimes but the things I think are a big deal he doesn't. How do I get him to understand that the skid's and his behavior is disrespectful.