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Disengagement is hard....

tankh21's picture

So far disengagement has been hard. YSS wanted to cook something at 10:00 pm last night and I told DH ummm no he can eat a snack aka lunchable or something else that doesn't require you to cook. It doesn't matter the kid can do what he wants in DH's eyes. I told him well if he makes a mess then you get to clean up the mess. DH changed his mind really quick and told YSS that it's late to go to bed. I find it sad that my DH is a lazy parent but when he has to actually do something he steps up.

Comments

ESMOD's picture

It will take time to fully get into the mindset.

Instead of you suggesting alternatives.. I would have stayed silent... then IF he is appearing to allow SS to go cook at 10 pm.. THEN.. turn and tell him. Well, if he makes a mess, you will be cleaning it up, you realize that don't you???

It's got to be hard staying with your DH. Kids up at 10pm. What is he thinking?

That is actually the problem I have with disengagement when it's the parent's lack of parenting that is causing kid issues. I wouldn't want to be married to someone that was such a crap parent.

tankh21's picture

Yeah he thinks that it's not a big deal that kid's aren't in bed at 10 pm on a school night. Glad to know that I am not the only one that thinks they should be in bed.

Ninji's picture

"DH is a lazy parent"

This has actually worked in my favor. The only reason skids have the few chores that they do is because I told DH it's either him or the skids. He decided chores where a good thing.

Don't these kids have set bedtimes?

Ninji's picture

Uggg, I would not be ok with that. I need a set time when skids are in bed and I can relax without them needing/wanting something.

iamlosingit's picture

My ss is 10 and I deal with the exact same problem. I'm lucky if he is in bed by 11. Drives me insane.

secret's picture

**I told him well if he makes a mess then you get to clean up the mess.**

Now you got it. Wink

Let DH let his kid do whatever.... as long as DH understands it's HIS problem.

ESMOD's picture

Just because your DH is ok with the kids being up at all hours doesn't mean you have to accept them being up around in your face.

I would tell him past 9pm it's adults only in the living room and other common areas. Kids can stay up if he doesn't care.. but they can do it in their own rooms.

hereiam's picture

This ^^^

Disengagement doesn't meant you let them run the household, it doesn't mean you can't speak up about what goes on in your own home.

ESMOD's picture

Think of it as "adult swim". You know pools realize that adults like to have kid-free time to enjoy things.

She doesn't have to tell her DH that the kids need to be in bed.. just that she needs some adult time in the evenings.. every evening.. and that 9pm is reasonable because they can go do homework.. etc.. before they go to bed.

That also cuts off the 'i want to cook a snack at 10pm". You want to do that.. do it prior to 9pm.

New_to_this's picture

The "if the skids make a mess/don't do chores/don't do chores properly, then you do it" has worked well for me with DH.

I used to get so frustrated with SS because his chore was to load dishes and he would do such a poor job that nearly all the dishes would have to go back in to be hand washed then washed again. And, I was the one who always redid it. When I forced it on DH to make sure the job was done or else he was doing it, DH finally stepped up and yelled at SS for doing a crappy job. Now he's the one who who has to deal with it and he has to get on SS almost every day.