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Conclusion...

tankh21's picture

I have come to the conclusion that my DH will never change and neither will the skids so I can either live with it or leave. DH has told the skids that if they eat all the junk food that they were SOL until the next grocery trip. So when I get home from work yesterday here comes YSS asking me if I can buy him more lunchables. I told him I cannot you will have to wait until the next grocery trip which will be on Friday. He just looks at me with this blank stare then walks off. Then I told DH that we need to go to counseling to try to work out our problems. He tells me that I am the one that is a drama queen and the one with the problems why should he have to go and listen to someone tell him that he is the problem and to validate my feelings?

I just laughed and said are you out of your mind?! So pretty much I either put up with all this crap or I leave. I know I have said this time and time again but I just don't know what exactly is holding me back from leaving but something is. Maybe it is fear or a failed marriage or being by myself. I really don't know. I just know that I will not be telling this man how I feel anymore and I won't be paying his bills!

Comments

momjeans's picture

Then I told DH that we need to go to counseling to try to work out our problems. He tells me that I am the one that is a drama queen and the one with the problems why should he have to go and listen to someone tell him that he is the problem and to validate my feelings?

O M G.

He really leans into his BS, doesn’t he? What an absolute man child. And he told the kids they’re “SOL” until you go shopping in a few days? You see what he’s doing here, right? He has zero qualms shifting blame off of him and on to you. It’s all your fault. He’s building these children up to be blameless human beings. 

Don’t feel guilty. You’ve provided for them, been walked all over, and verbally beaten down each and every time you point it out. It’s time to take action and seriously consider leaving. Let them be someone else’s burden. Be free. Be happy.

ndc's picture

It's hard and scary to make the decision to leave.  It sounds like you have clarity on what you have now. Start thinking about the opportunity cost - what you're missing out on because you are settling for what you have now. I think you'll see that it's a lot, and that you can do a lot better. You're not a drama queen, and you're not the problem here.

Siemprematahari's picture

Tank if he's not willing to get help to work on your marriage he's really not leaving you much choice. I know you love this man but none of this is fair to you. He disregards your feelings and brushes everything under the rug. You really need to dig deep and do some soul searching on how you will proceed with this relationship. Its not easy but you already know what you need to do.

 

NoWireCoatHangarsEVER's picture

Listen, I have four kids.  My daughters are 4, 10,11, and 14.  I do the exact same thing.  I buy the snacks and the lunchables and I buy a reasonable amount for four kids for my grocery buying trip.  I make it very well known to them if they gorge themsleves on all the snacks, that is it!  They just won't have any snacks for the rest of the week.  They have had to go without snacks for a few days sometimes.  It is what it is.  I would not be teaching them anything if I just went out and replishned them.  Now they watch their portions.  It's what goes on in households without stepkids too.  If I was still married to their dad and he lived in my home, it would be the same situation.

Harry's picture

You told SK no snacks until next grocery trip.  I would not go out and buy any snacks, there is fruit, PB&J,  If DH wants to go to the store and buy snacks with his money, That up to him.  But not one cent of my money will ever go to SK again. And DH will take on all the cooking and cleaning up after SK 

lieutenant_dad's picture

When I told my XH I wanted to go to therapy to save our marriage, he told me it was too expensive and he was fine with the way things were. That was one of the final nails in the coffin because it hit me that the way I was feeling would never change because he wasn't willing to change himself.

He was only willing to go to counseling after we had separated and DH and I had already started dating. I didn't believe he wanted counseling; I truly believe he just didn't want to lose to someone he thought was beneath him.

Tank, when I tell you that you need to seriously start planning an exit, I don't say it flippantly. Been there, done that. This isn't an issue with SKs, it's an issue with DH. He has no respect for you which rubs off on his kids. If he respected you, then he'd realize that you're not asking for him to change 100%, but for him to find a middle ground with you that doesn't pit you against one another.

Remember, this is him ACTIVELY saying he won't change. That he won't help make the situation better. That he has no fault in this so he doesn't need to do any of the work. Remember that.

Notup4it's picture

“Don’t you remember what your DAD told you?! He said we weren’t allowed to get any more snacks until Friday”.  “Oh no, you ate them all? Whaf did your DAD say about that?”.  Or just give them a blank stare, Lol. 

I would tell DH that you are planning to go to therapy with or without him- but if he isn’t there his side won’t be heard at all when they provide you with advice. 

thinkthrice's picture

The overprocessed, overpriced, overhyped "food" of COD/Skids everywhere.  LOL I remember YSS saying "MOM buys me THESE!"  I refrained from saying that's because she's too lazy to buy real food and prepare it.

Here are some other items:

Doritos

Cheese pizza

Chicken nuggets

Oreos

Chocolate Ice Cream

Hot Dogs (no grill marks)

Reeses Peanut Butter Cups

Chocolate milk

Soda

Gatorade

Cheesie Poofs

ESMOD's picture

LUnchables... are ridiculous snacks for kids AT HOME.  FFS.. buy a box of ritz crackers.. some assorted cold cuts and american cheese that you then quarter up into cracker sized pieces.. put the meat and cheese in glad containers (or generic containers).. kids can "build their own"..     Make bulk snack mix with pretzel sticks, peanuts, cheese curls and chocolate chips.. use generic versions.. have a big "tub" so that they can't tell you didn't buy name brand.

Hot dogs.. hot dog buns.. cheap as crap versions are fine.. kids will eat them.

Lunchables are for kids "on the go".. not "on the way to their room".

tog redux's picture

Yes, go by yourself and work on the things that keep you stuck there. You won't regret it. 

Ursula's picture

I really get the impression that your husband is just using you. 

If your husband won't go to therapy with you, maybe you can go on your own.  It may help you figure out why you are staying in this marriage when you seem to be pretty miserable.

 

Harry's picture

As they say. The ball is in your your court. Can you live like this ?  You know, it’s only going to get worst as kids get older.  Older kids more expensive things,  instead of snacks it will be cars, insurance, college wedding.  You know DH will cave in on all of these things.