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Not my job to facilitate relationships

Stepmama2321's picture

My SD 8, She FaceTimed at 10 PM a couple days after OUR baby was born and we were home (baby was couple days old). We had a 14 mo and NB at the time. When I saw it, it was 5AM. I forgot she reached out and didn’t tell him for a couple days until I remembered about it. He is now upset because I didn’t respond and I took a couple days to tell him. He tried reaching out to her, sending her pics of the new baby, FaceTime attempts, call attempts, and she never responded to HIM. Now, 5 weeks later, he’s unloading some resentment about her reaching out and me not responding to it. His excuse for his anger is that if it was my niece (who I’m extremely close to, like look at her as my first daughter) I would have responded to when I woke but not his DD. Was I wrong to kind of ignore if?? She hasn’t responded to any or bfs texts or FaceTime in the 5 weeks since she came over to meet new baby. I don’t feel like it’s my job to facilitate these relationships.


Stepping Along's picture

No I don't think it's your responsibility at all.

I also think that your DH is just trying to find any reason (excuse) as to why your SD isn't responding to HIM... and it's easier to blame you not telling him something from weeks ago (whether your responsibility or not) then actually dealing with the fact she is intentionally ignoring him.

Why did it take SD to call you or him, you to not say anything for a few days, for your DH to start "chasing her??" That is what I would be putting to him? Whether you told him about her call or not that doesn't stop him having called or texted her anytime within those few days right?!

Honestly this is NOT your issue!

Winterglow's picture

He's an idiot. You'd probably been up all night with the baby. And you're also taking care of a toddler. And your DuH thinks you can function like any other adult? Sleep exhaustion is a killer ... and if you're breastfeeding then it's even worse. Is there any reason that you'd be the only one with access to FaceTime? No, didn't think so.

Bottom line, she isn't your child, not your job. You DID tell him...  when your brain got breathing time. Seems pretty normal to me. What I want to know is, why didn't he spontaneously call her and send photos when the baby came home? She was probably already pissed at him because she had to call HIM. She was probably already thinking she'd been replaced. He let the side down, not you. He only has himself to blame.

If he's still throwing tantrums, tell him to grow up, to get a grip, and to behave like the adult parent of 3, FFS!

Congratulations on the baby!

tog redux's picture

If he was so interested in speaking to her, why'd he wait several days to reach out to her?

She probably butt-dialed you the first time anyway, lol. 

What a dumb thing to be resentful of. Clearly he's got his priorities screwed up like so many of the men on here. 

Winterglow's picture

Reading your post over again, I think I'd just tell him to put a sock in it. You don't have to answer for his shortcomings. Not your fault he's a crappy parent... 

CajunMom's picture

You are taking care of TWO babies. Jeez. As for HIS relationship with his child, why didn't HE send pics and call HIS child? I agree it's not your job. I made that mistake when I first married DH...tried to help him with his kid relationships. Big mistake. They like the crappy way they interact. So, yeah...keep on doing what you are doing and let your DH manage his relationship with his kid. 

tog redux's picture

Right, why was the kid calling SM instead of Dad in the first place?

Squakamole’'s picture

Not your job, besides the fact that you have a newborn AND a toddler and are probably just running on fumes. Highly manipulative behavior from both SD and your DH. Set boundaries now or you'll have a long road ahead of you. 

Stepmama2321's picture

I worded my post a bit weirdly! After my DD was born, my bf sent SD pictures and her only response was "omg". He's tried to FaceTime her, call her, text her, and she never responded but then randomly FaceTimed me in the middle of the night when I was asleep. Saw it early in the morning so I didn't text her back and forgot about it and forgot to tell him until days later. Last night he brought it up and hashed out all this resentment over it, something I didn't realize he was so mad about it. The fact I didn't respond or tell him right away.

I think you are all right that he's taking his frustration of her not responding to him but reaching out to me instead, on me! I don't feel like it was that big of a deal and i simply forgot! I am running on fumes caring for 2 small babies! And also I don't feel like it's my fault their relationship isn't strong nor is it my job to create all these interactions. It's just frustrating! And I've also came to the realization that she really doesn't care much about these "half sisters" of hers so I have kind of given up facilitating those relationships as well and I just have enough energy for my own children at the moment.

Why do these men believe it's a SM job to create this happy Brady bunch blended family. Ugh!!