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Question for Dads with EOWe custody

Stepmama2321's picture

For dads with EOWe custody of their young children (or anyone with insight on this subject) -

Do you not feel like a true parent to your child(ren) that you have only EOWe? In comparison to you child(ren) that you have full time? Is there a difference? I'm not saying you love one over the other AT ALL but do you feel differently, if that makes sense. Is the way you parent different? Discipline, your bond, etc. This is an anonymous site so answer honestly.


CastleJ's picture

My DH has my SS8 on a long distance schedule. We see him 6 weeks a year. Not by choice. BM attempted to alienate and thought DH would give up visitation but still pay CS. She allowed no contact for the first two years and then denied overnights until SS was 5 due to "age and comfort level". The courts agreed. When we were finally granted overnights, she moved SS out of state. BM is now with a woman and tries to act like her GF is SS's other parent. She has even told SS this.. We have missed out on so much. We celebrated the first Christmas with SS last year, only taken him trick or treating once, missed so many firsts. We have gone to court time and time again but it doesn't change. 

DH and I want to have our own children in the next year or so. DH is so excited because he has missed out on so much with SS. He is so excited to be able to experience it all with our kids. He said he feels like a fun uncle to SS because he has no authority and barely sees him. Even when SS did live locally and we saw him weekly, DH felt this way. BM has sole legal custody (due to state law about unmarried couples at time of birth) so he really has no say. We have gone to court twice for joint legal but the courts don't feel the need to change it due to distance because DH cannot contribute to decisions when he lives hours away. He missed out on so many firsts and really hates that, but he is trying to accept what is and move on.

DH said it feels like babysitting and then you give them back to their "real" parent. So yes, it is different not being the full time parent. 

Stepmama2321's picture

Wow almost spot on to our situation. My SO fought for custody rights and didn't get to see his daughter much during the process and missed out on sooo much! BM didn't allow overnights for quite awhile (until paperwork was done). BM got new BF right after they split and her 2 daughters call him stepdad. Oh and my SO raised BM's first daughter (who was his SD) as his own for years but never legally adopted her as her father is actively involved, and then once SO and BM split she didn't allow contact, which hurt him because he looked at her as his own. 

Now, we have an OUR child, who's only almost 1, and although he would NEVER admit it, I feel like he feels more of a father to our baby and a fun uncle to my SD because we only have EOWe visits. 

IamBackUW's picture

Start popping out them babies. No time like the present. It's better to start now in case y'all have a fertility issue. 

SS is a write-off IMO. Let the pseudo lesbian and her current sucker deal with it lol. 

I wonder if BM's sucker of the week will find her way here, to our little message board? Wouldn't that be hilarious???

CastleJ's picture

Thats the plan. Just sorting out some financial setbacks due to COVID19. We are thinking the next 6 months. DH is 28 and I am 26. I just want to make sure we are completely prepared financially. 

I feel bad for SS because he is starting to see who BM really is. He asks DH about it. DH doesnt badmouth BM but he is honest about the situation. SS really is a great kid and he loves everyone so much. I hate seeing him hurt in this process. GF and BM have been together for 4 years - their relationship is toxic - driven by obsession with each other. BM puts GF on a pedestal in a way that is psychotic/stalker like. BM has tried so hard to make a nuclear family out of this situation, its actually sad. GF is on all SS' academic records and medical records as "the other parent". DH fought this point as his hill to die on and lost. Courts basically told him that because BM has sole legal custody, she can dole out authority to whomever she wants because she needs a support network in her new state. 

GF won't ever leave BM because she knows this is as close as she will come to a family/children of "her own". I think, even if she was unhappy, she would stick it out to not lose SS. She, for all intents and purposes, has become his Mom, even with more responsibility than BM. She does more for SS and is more available for SS, than BM. BM just pawns him off on her and goes about her life. And unfortunately, that dynamic is thanks to BM.

Stepmama2321's picture

Ew that sounds disgusting. I'm sorry for your poor SS and DH and you too. Sounds like your DH really tries to be a true and good parent.

CastleJ's picture

He does. He is a really good parent, not a Disney dad. He tries to be there despite every road block in his way. We traveled several times to visit SS in his town, got a hotel and everything only for BM to play games and make him "unavailable". Got SS a tablet to facetime, BM took it away and claimed it was broken. We have been accused of fraud, neglect, sexual misconduct, etc. I dont see how courts dont see through it. 

Heck, DH just logged into SS' football team parent chat app to see about upcoming events and GF put "if anyone sees a blue water bottle, it's my child's. Only my kid would forget that..." He isnt her child! Like she knows DH sees these messages. It is one thing when BM does it but to have GF willingly go along with it, makes me sick. I know it hurts DH every time it happens and unfortunately, it happens often. 

shellpell's picture

My dH has given up on being any kind of real or lasting influence on SS12 who is long distance and has been for the past five years. BMs influence is too strong. Of course he loves SS but he admitted he feels differently and closer to our two kids. He is happy that we are mostly on the same page when it comes to parenting whereas he and BM are opposites. dH can't stand seeing BM and her characteristics in SS. Me and our two kids are his top priority.

strugglingSM's picture

My DH definitely feels marginalized as a parent and as if he's missed out on a lot. That said, Skids are also partially-alienated and BM is a control freak who keeps a lot of info from DH, so it's not just the EOWE thing. Presumably, if BM actually treated him like a co-parent, maybe DH would feel less marginalized. When I met him, he had been divorced for almost 3 years. BM was already remarried and had the Skids call her new husband "Dad". They would say things about "our parents" or "our dad" in front of DH and they were not referring to him. 

CastleJ's picture

SS does that. He has said "my parents" and "my mom(s) in reference to BM and GF instead of BM and DH. He knows DH is his Dad, but I don't think he thinks of him as a parent. Alienation is a terrible thing and unfortunately, it happens all too often.