cs issues
yesterday, my fh exw said that she thinks her son is unhappy when he stays with us and that i am pushing everyone out of his life including his son. She said that he really needed both parents. but, in the next sentence she was so kind to offer(yeah right) that she would take 70% custody of him with out going to court for child support, and that we can have him on the weekends. Then began bashing fh and i, which is when he told her to get and her car and leave. (she showed up un announced at his work) so here are my questions and issues:
1. ss4 says the same things to us. when i drop him off at daycare on days that she picks him up, he crys, clings to me and says please to take him back home he doesnt want to see mommy. which i always say nice things about her to him, i never bad mouth her to him.
2.i think that she doesnt really want custody the majority of the time, its my mil trying to have more visitation with ss. and both of them are freaking out because the wedding is right around the corner. They both know that once we are married we will be having kids, and ss4 is very vocal about how excited he is to be a big brother, and bm cant have more kids. so they are just grasping at anything to create drama, and even making stuff up.
3. my fh is so upset and tired of it that he has mentioned that he will just give her custody, because even though he would hate it he thinks all the drama is bad for ss.
4.i fear that if fh did say fine have ss 70, then she would just use it against us and still go on causing drama.
5. if fh did agree to her having him 70, we would have eow, and wed nights, if she signed something drafted by a lawyer to wave cs, could she still come back later and get back cs?
lastly, my fh got exw prego after hooking up for 1 month, my mil told me before that she did it on purpose, and that she then pushed him to get married. they were only married for 13months, and most of that time they werent really acting as a married couple, according to him. Last year for ss bday, we had him on his actual bday, and she had a party for him the weekend before. she caused a bunch of drama just before, so fh informed her we would not be at the party, because we would just celebrate with him on his actual bday. she informed us that it was a public place we were going and she would be at ours. sure enough, she showed up. talked crap about me the whole time to my fh best friends wife, stuff about how my ring is so much bigger than hers was and its so hard for her...shes always the victim. she took ss away from the party to play and then cried to mil when she left because she misses fh and is so upset that another woman is in her sons life. my mil actually told her at that point it was her decision to leave and she has to deal with it that my fh is happy now! after talking to my fh friends wife, it seems that she does wish she had what i have.fh friends wife told me that it was obvious and everyone could tell that he never really loved her, he just felt traped. i never really thought she had any desire to be with fh because the week after she left my fh, she had a bf who she now lives with and has been with for a little over 2 years. i guess im just curious if once we are married she wont be as big of a nut case since we are legally together?
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Comments
1. Lots of kids do this.
1. Lots of kids do this. It's part of the realization that they are missing something when they go to the other parent. It takes them time to adjust to that...you just have to help him focus on being excited to go see mommy...and mommy should be doing the same thing when he goes to see daddy. Problem is...bioparents don't usually do that and instead try to twist it into meaning that the kid doesn't want to see the other parent. Fortunately, most court systems see this all the time and won't consider it in their decisions.
2. Could be. My ex tried to fight me for custody as well even though he has a completely unstable work schedule that involves a lot of nights and weekends. I have a very predictable 9-5 job. It came down to the fact that his mom wanted to see her grand-babies more and was afraid that I wouldn't let her....
3. She won't go away just because she got custody - sounds to me like she will then turn around and say he "gave up" his child...and other mean, PAS things to piss you guys off.
4. Yep.
5. CS is controlled by the state (usually) and is for the CHILD's benenfits, not the parent's, so unless there is 50/50 custody, most court systems will order one parent to pay the other at least something. Plus, if she tries to waive CS and then tries to file for state benefits like medicaid or food stamps, etc...then the state usually takes it upon themselves to go after CS on the child's behalf....so your FH may end up paying CS anyway...even if she claims she doesn't want it.
6. Sounds like you got a doozy on your hands...don't trust anything she says. She is way to wrapped up in jealousy over what you have that she wants...man, big rock, wedding, friends like you, MIL likes you, stepkid that actually likes you, and potential for more kids of your own. Don't give her anything - and keep a close eye on her.
thanks!
i was worried about the cs stuff!
but as for the mil, she actually has been nutty since day one, so the fact that she stood up for me, kind of, was a real shock! she has threatened me and verbally attacked me on many different occasions. we no longer speak to her, because after easter when she attacked me, she went to my fh exw and is seeing ss through her. she always threatend she would but she actually did it, and she wonders why fh hates her. she has told his whole family she is scared of me (she scared? shes the one at 54 who said she was going to kick my... in front of his sisters, who told her to grow up,lol) and that i have brainwashed my fh! and the crazy thing is, she was just as nasty to the x and now they are bff's?! i dont get it!
DON'T DO IT!!
I don't think you should go through with it. Don't give her what she wants. She might say what you want to hear right now but I think once she gets what she wants things will be hell for you later. It does sound more like a jealousy issue and she might just be saying she wants 70% so that she can push you guys around later on. If she signed something waiving C/S she will still find a way to come after you guys for money. She just wants a meal ticket not to mention what other schemes she has cooked up just to get your husband there alone. If she is as jealous of you as you say it will start off ok, then she might just start drama which could lead to her getting some sort of restraining order on you so you CAN'T go with your husband for drop off's and pick up's, then once your husband gets tired of jumping to her every wish and puts his foot down thats when she will use SS more in her little game if she doesn't or hasn't already by this point to truly push you guys around! She might try withhold visits or communication. My only other advice is to seek legal advice if that is something you are considering! But seriously don't do it!
already
i dont go to drop offs or anything. my fh cant stand her. he has told her that she is the one who filed for divorce and now she has to deal with what that has to offer. We have no interactions with her really. before back in dec we were all getting along and we would hang out with her and her bf, i gave her a xmas present, etc. She even invited us to a little party they were having and said if we couldnt drive we could stay in the guest room, lol weird huh? we said we already had plans, lol! although i am venting about what a nut she is, we usually just let her drama roll of our back. she has tried so many things and everytime when it comes down to it, my fh does put his foot down and says if you have something to say, do it through court. she bashed him in the divorce trying to get full custody. claimed he beat the baby, and was a drunk. the judge knew she was full of it and awarded 5050. i think she now is just grasping at anything to try and get to us, and we are so strong and good that she is loosing her mind trying. my fh knows that if they go to court she will go no where, and we have the day care lady that says if she has to she would go to court for us to say that she feels ss is not safe with bm because they leave im unsupevised alot!
Fasten your seatbelts, you're in for a bumpy ride!
1. I agree with mom2anb. Most kids at that age do that. I am always on DH because he goes on and on about how much he'll miss SD when she's at her moms. That makes her feel guilty. Tell her you'll miss her and then tell her you hope she has a great time and send her off with a smile. I think a lot of the "I want to stay with you, I don't want to go to the other home" comments are because they feel guilty about wanting to see the other parent so they make an issue over it. Plus, if you EVER respond with "ohhh honey, (big hugs) I'm soooo sorry" kind of comments, they will totally feed off of that.
2. I think you're probably right. My EH would probably have disappeared if it weren't for MIL. Ahhh, one could only imagine...
3. There will be drama regardless of visitation, child support, etc. There's a reason it is termed "creating" drama. People that thrive on that can "create" it out of nothing. Don't send your son the message that he's not worth the trouble.
4. See above!
5. Absolutely! I guess it varies from state to state, but I think anytime she decides she wants it, she can get what she would be entitled to.
Lastly, you wondered if once you are married will she quit being a nut? Uhhh...NO, it is my experience that things can go from mildly awkward to Chernobyl at the signing of a marriage certificate.
Good luck!!
Also, just to add...
If she goes back to court at a later date to ask for child support, what will a judge think when she tells him he gave up custody to avoid paying child support. Your FH can say what he wants about wanting to spare the child the drama, but it's going to look to everyone, including a judge, that he just didn't want to pay child support so he gave up some of his visitation. Not very flattering.
i sooooooo agree!
for us money is no issue, but for her who lives off the state, and cant keep a job, oh, and keeps trying to sue people, it is an issue. If things were different, and for some reason she did have 70costody, we would gladly pay cs. i even offered to pay out of my own pockt for private school because to me education is very important, and she refuses, saying she doesnt want him being in a bubble, and as always, i need to keep my rich girl ideas away from HER son. its funy because when i first started dating my fh and he let her know that he would be bringing ss around me, her first question was.....oh, what kind of car does she drive?! hello, what about, is she good with kids? i should have known right there what kind of jealous freak she was!
RE:
This sounds pretty much exactly what my SS's BM has said and done. She bashes us and says that "SS says" he is miserable when he visits us and hates to come see us, but SS tells us all the same things about BM. Then BM says she thinks it would be "best for SS" if BF gave up his rights to SS and she would waive CS payments and let SS come visit "whenever he wanted". Personally I think that if BF was to go through with that, he'd never get to see SS because BM would make it so hard for SS to admit to her that he wanted to go see his father that he'd never say he wanted to come.
A lot of kids do this, it's true. Some kids consciously play the parents against one another, and some kids genuinely feel separation anxiety from the parent that they are with at the time. He may really not want to go see BM because he doesn't want to leave you guys...but then when he's with her, he may not want to go see you guys because he doesn't want to leave her. Or sometimes, like in my SS's case, the kid will say whatever he thinks it will take to make the BM happy so she'll get off his case, but the real emotions come out when the kid is with the other parent and feels safe and able to express his true feelings.
I would strongly, strongly suggest your FH not give up any ounce of custody that he currently has. Later on he will want to have SS more and it's hard as heck to get that custody back once it's been given up.
*~So sayeth Nymh~*
I agree with all of the above.
And as impossible as it seems sometimes, your DH just needs to stop feeling guilty and sorry for SS. I say impossible because my DH struggles with that also.
I believe that SS being able to emotionally handle the back and forth is affected by the feelings of the adults. The Dr I used to work for always said, "Children take their emotional cues from their parents."
There is nothing you guys can do to stop BM and the cues she sends SS, until you have evidence to prove PAS (Still don't know how to do that). But maybe with your encouragement DH can try to see what a benifit you guys are to SS and not get sucked into BM's game and ideas there is a quick fix solution to SS's distress.
Yep, I hope you and DH can hang in there for your SS.
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood, and I---
I took the one less traveled by,
and that made all the difference. -Robert Frost-