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not taking skid to sports on your weekend...

smnikki's picture

we have 50/50

we are just finishing up tball and bm signed him up in the first place. but has managed to miss several things on her days to take ss, and has either simply missed or asked me to take him, which means i have to get off early commute 50 miles, pick up ss from day care and take him.

it would be one thing if ss really wanted to play but, ss is the most un-athletic kid ever. he claims that he hates tball because there is too much running.. um, hello its freaking tball, and when they are in the field he sits down and plays with the dirt. so for the last 3 months i have had to get up at the but crack of dawn, and take ss to tball on out saturday mornings, because dh works. bm signed him up by her house which is a 20 minute drive for us...ok no biggie because he will be going to school by her and dh and i are the ones that moved. but the thing is, bm was very un reliable in getting ss to and from....instead i was the rock that dh and bm knew would make sure ss got there...and for what? he hated it. i told him if he didnt want to play he had to call the coach and let him know that he was not coming and would be letting his team down....backfire, he was more than happy to call...anyways, it was a waste of time on MY saturday mornings, and his for that matter

now, bm is convinced that ss HAS to play soccer. dh told her that if she wants him to play to sign him up by our house, since we are the only reliable party for getting him there. bm flat out said no, because then when she CAN take him its too far. EXCUSE ME, so let me get this straight, the 20 min is too much when you can actually take him, but its ok for me to drive when its not my day, not my kid, and you are the one who is freaking signing him up for this crap he doesnt even want to do!! and you are controlling how i spend my saturday mornings driving your kid to soccer because you know that dh works?!

dh told her fine, no fight here, you sign him up but on your days, smnikki and i will not cover for you to take him...and if it is the slightest inconvenient for us to take him on our days, he wont go, and no you can not make arrangements to take him on our days if we arent taking him...and on saturdays, if smnikki doesnt feel like taking him, hes not going.( sometimes i work late on fridays...the lst thing i want is to get up at 7 am to get ss to and from something he doesnt even want to do) bm said fine

BUT, what are the repercussions if for some reason we end up in court? do we look bad for not taking him to crap he doesnt want to do that she signed him up for and dh did not agree with? what do you guys think? also, if this was something ss wanted to do, i would feel differently, i do anything i can for that little boy....i just feel like bm is controlling my day off!!!


Sia's picture

Why does she insist he play? I wouldn't think any judge would think you guys were at fault for not taking him. At his age, they don't have much attention span as it is.I wouldn't take him if he didn't want to go, especially if its out of my way....

StepX2's picture

No, it shouldn't look bad for your case as you have already shown that you've gone above and beyond. If the BM tries to say you are preventing your SS from participating in extracurricular activities and tries to use the "not on your days reason" against you, just state exactly what you've written here in your post. You have a right to your time.

LMR120's picture

IMO i dont think you HAVE to do any of it. Its between his mother and father. If his mother signed him up for this she should have talked to his dad. If she did not then it is on her to make sure that he makes it to the events even if its on your weekend with him. Why does she feel its ok to call you and say I cant take MY son to a sport that I signed him up for can YOU take him. The answer should be no. I think this is why a lot of people on her get upset with BMs because they want you guys to do all this stuff for the skids but then turn around and play the "this is between me and DH its OUR child"

smnikki's picture

EXACTLY....when she needs my help, its "smnikki can you please do this for me and ss, thanks, im so thankful for all you do for my son, he loves you" then as soon as things dont go her way she says "smnikki needs to learn her boundaries and leave this between you and I (her and dh) because she is not his parent"

ugh, it pisses me off. she actually has not pulled something like that recently and things have been really nice between us, i really do need to give her credit for how much non drama she has been...i researched summer programs for ss and gave her the info, and i planned the t-ball end of season party with the team mom, and she was very nice about all of it.

i guess i just feel that she is not being logical, and mostly that she is trying to show she can still control where ss participates in effect controlling my time.

LMR120's picture

Even though she hasnt done it recently it doesnt matter. They like to point out that "we" are not the parents thats fine and dandy do ask me to do things that a "parent" would do. I think you should do nothing to help her. Why are you looking up summer programs? If its that important to BM and DH they will look into it.

Gia's picture

Similar situation here, BM signed SD6 up for soccer. We have her every weekend and they had practice every thursday and a game every saturday at 8:00 AM !!! I think is ridiculous to have practice AND a game every week. So the first game, I went with DH to SD's 1st game and BM went there with her bf. It is like a 15-20 minute drive for us and like 25 minute drive for BM. The game was AWFUL!!! the little kids played horrible and SD didn't kick the ball, stared at the other kids, and just didn't seem to enjoy it at all. BM claimed that she was "shy". I never went back with DH because I have a super hyper 2 year old that was screaming the whole entire game cuz he wanted to go play with "the other kids playing".

To start off, BM claimed that SD wanted to play soccer, although she never mentioned anything to us. BM insisted. At the time SD was behaving poorly, was being a drama queen at the table at least once a day, and then throwing the food up, so DH didn't think that SD should be in a team just yet. I also told him to discuss what type of scheduling would that require with BM because he will have to be waking up early, he didn't pay much attention to it, and when SD started, he started complaining about waking up and then having SD not enjoy and perform poorly at her game. BM always made excuses for her, saying that she had done great during practice.

All of that was to say that I know how you feel when it comes to taking him to the game and then he doesn't even enjoy it. Now, I think that BM should have a discussion about a convenient place, if she refuses, then you should refuse to be someones driver. Period.

smnikki's picture

bm says the same stuff....that ss plays well with her etc...

and to her defense, when her and her bf are there he does play...but thats because he told me that his mom told him he has to, and her bf will be mad at him if he doesnt play...i feel like he knows im not going to force him to do something he doesnt want to, so he tells me the truth, but with bm he puts on an act because he wants her and her bf's acceptance....i guess it seems like it depends on whos side your seeing it from.

ss is very much a soft touch, he is very emotional, and he loves doing art projects with me at home...and building leggos, the sports (besides golf with my hubby) is just not for him....but with bm you would think it is, so im confused, who is in the right? bm? or me? its like ss in bipolar or something

sweetthing's picture

OMG Gia, I can so relate only I have 2 stepsons & it amounts to 4 nights a week & it used to be weekends also in the league we used to play in. Then throw in the fact that BM MUST be there along with her nasty BFF & her fiance who is very rude as well. Last night DH was telling me that he & BM were frustrated because coach doesn't let SS10 pitch ( same thing happened last year) BM wants him to say something to coach. I said perhaps it is because the kid lacks focus and has a la de dah attitude & never runs to his positions just meanders. I said maybe you both all need to accept the fact he just ISN"T a baseball player.

If I go I spend the entire time chasing a three year old & playing on the playground. I work all day & spend an hour & a half commuting so at the end of the day this is NOT what I want to do. We have a swingset & sandbox at home & I don't have to chase BS anywhere... and I can get yard work done at the same time.

Gia's picture

Oh my god, tell me about the chasing... uhhh.. no thank you. I told dh, that I know he won't help me chase my son because he will be busy watching Sd play. And is not fair for a 2 year old to be sitting down in a stroller the whole entire time, while he sees other kids "playing"... Let alone the fact that there aren't any seats, and is usually humid and such and is boOoo-ring... DH agreed with me

sweetthing's picture

Same here, DH & Bm get to sit in their lawn chairs while lucky me runs all over the place. Dh hates to go w/o me because Bm's BFF the manimal is there too ( her son plays on same team & the two of them are inseperable) and he hates to be alone with them. If Bm has an audience she is very rude to DH, by herself she behaves..or if I am there. Dh always promises that he will go to the playground but that doesn't happen. Sorry but BS & I are much happier staying home, my personal fav is sitiing in the rain, because unless it is lightning the game goes thanks at 41 I am not sitting in the rain.

stepmom2one's picture

"her days to take ss, and has either simply missed or asked me to take him, which means i have to get off early commute 50 miles, pick up ss from day care and take him."

If this is the case than the answer would be no. You don't have to take him and why should you get off early and miss out on the extra income?

We take SD to her practices and games when we have her, but it is just EOW. Practice is just 5 mins away....some games are out a half hour or so but then they bus them from the practice field. It isn't that big of a deal...for us.

This is way to much for BM to ask of you or DH.

stepmom2one's picture

we continue the punishments at our house as well when something happens at BMs.

I don't want SD11 to think that she can just escape punishment or stick it to an adult (no matter who it is).

smnikki's picture

we have eow too. and bm did discuss signing up ss for this sport...and its not that dh was 100% opposed and that we dont want to take ss on our days, but the problem is that even though she often missed tball on her days or asked me to take ss, she refuses to sign him up by our home for this new sport.

that is the reason im upset...if i am the one who is the most reliable to get him to and from, out of simple logic, the sport should be in a league closer to mine and dh's home because im the one doing the driving when she cant make it...and since she refuses because its too far for her, then im refusing because if its too much for her than ill be damned if she thinks i can be the one doing the driving to her side of town on my day off

stepmom2one's picture

I understand.

I wish SD was signed up for softball in our town too. If she was she could just walk from our house to softball...and she attends school in our school disrict. So we thought she would like to attend the one near by so she is with her friends. But it works out ok since BM does most of the driving.

herewegoagain's picture

She has no right to demand that you take him anywhere on your weekends...especially when you did not agree to sign him up. If the judge doesn't like it, too bad too!

smnikki's picture

he just turned 5

yes he is young, and i agree, but after 2 seasons of tball, he has done the same thing, and it is CLEAR that this child has no interest. he sits in the dirt during the game, and complains about playing. he says its too much running, and now bm wants to sign him up for soccer? Also, ss has not a single video game at our house, so its not like we are not active in other ways, we often go for bike rides etc. soccer is all running, i can understand him being young but when he refuses to do anything but play with the dirt at tball, what makes anyone think he will play soccer?

the main thing is, not about the benefits of ss being in the sport, the issue is that bm is not reliable to get ss to and from...I AM, therefore, she should have agreed to sign him up by our house so that it was less driving for me since im the one taking him most of the time....and because she refused, im not going to make the effort. dh and i are signing him up for something by our house. im not going to get up at 8am and drive all the way to her side of town on my day off, when i could have woken up and walked across the street practically to take him to the league by our house

"but if my son had a game or practice, I would tell his father and he would take him?".......

bm does not tell MY HUSBAND anything, she can ask and if he wants to he will...thats part of the issue too, bm is not going to sign ss up for something and then dictate to us where and when we have to be places with him on OUR weekends

smnikki's picture

i agree 100% we have stuck with the tball, even though ss is not interested, we still make him go because we want him to understand he is part of a team, and he cant quit and let them down.

and we would still be more than happy to take ss to any and all sports, but we feel that bm is being unreasonable, considering im the one who takes him....she missses because of work, its not that she doesnt want to be there, her bf was supposed to help but who knows what the deal with him is these days

smnikki's picture

0h man, why cant all ex's be as rational as you!!

i really dont mind taking ss, we do lots together, and he is with me all day eo saturday while dh is at work. im really just so glad that bm got a freaking job and stopped living off the govt and trying to pocket our money. we have 50/50 but she still thought we should pay her cs.

partly i think she knows that ill never keep ss from an activity, so she signed him up where ever, thinking, "smnikk is a push over, she will drive where ever for the sake of"getting along" with me"

smnikki's picture

Really? i dont think thats weird at all....if bm did that i wouldnt care...unless it was like every day, but that clearly not your

on ss's actual bday, we got him this year (it was bm's night of the week but we switch off every year), bm took the day off to take ss bowling and was supposed to meet my at 3pm so i could bring ss home. bm never texted me back when i texted her at the agreed time to let her know i was 30 min from the meet up spot, so i went on my way, and went shopping for dinner stuff....45 minutes later i get a frantic text that bm NEEDS to drop off ss to me immediately...can i meet her some where, any where....weird right? so i say ok ill met you in thirty....she text me again to say she would come all the way to where i was to meet me...all i saw was gas station in the text since i was in a hurry to meet her, and figured she was talking about the one off the exit i was already meeting her i got there, and called??? where are you....she was back where i had just come from, so bm high tales it to where i am, gives me ss, and explains shes going home....but she had told dh that the emergency in me getting ss right a way was that work had called her in....mind you it was almost 4 pm.

really really weird....and although it might or should i say will most likely back fire at some and i communicate much better than her and my dh do....only time will tell

sweetthing's picture

SS10 was the same way when he was smaller. BM signed him up for soccer after he wasn't interested ( or more likely to stay focused in a baseball game) we wasted 2 nights a week for 8 weeks watching him scratch his but & stand around. I made DH go ask him once if he had wiped good because he would scratch himself so much it was embarrassing. Oh & squirt himself with a water bottle & screw around while on the side lines. There is 8 weeks I will never get back. Smile

AstepBehind's picture

What you do on your time with SS is your business. If you guys decided not to take SS to the games/practices all together, it still wouldn't look bad.

BM can not micromanage your time with SS. If BM were to take you guys to court for that shit, she would not stand a chance.

#1 it interferes with the time spent between the child and the parents, #2 it was BM who signed him up, not you guys and #3 with the travel/cost the judge will laugh her out of court.

starfish's picture

mil started signing skids up for church soccer (where everyone gets an award)......... we went on our weekends the first season --- a few times bm and her trailer park posse went, too..... mil has forced skids into it every year since.... ss10 flakes on her about the 3rd week into every season, but she bribes sd13.... anyhoo, my point is neither dh & i or bm has to been to one game since the first season....

in short, if you didn't sign them up -- you have no obligations...