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Simpleton21's picture

You all are about to see me on a new episode of Snapped if my DH asks me one more time to go to MIL's for dinner just because she is pressuring him to come visit.  I HATE visiting MIL.  When she invites us for dinner just the invite gives me anxiety.  She lives in a small apt that she smokes in which I find super gross and I am leery of her cooking!

Anyways, I have told DH multiple times since the beginning of COVID and his trashy a$$ mom insisting on visiting and spending time with us more than usual that I am not interested in doing that.  DH knows that I am not even that fond of my own mother and barely visit her and would NEVER force him to visit/spend time with her if he didn't want to.  I have tried being nice about it but we did get into it previously where I went off about it.  How I don't like his mom, I don't have any respect for her, I think she is manipulative and controlling and just annoying to be around.  I know he loves her and I'm not trying to prevent him from seeing her but there is no reason I should be forced along! 

WTH is wrong with these idiot men!?!? I feel like it is the same reaction I get when I have to remind him of why I am not super close with SD.  Why does he act shocked and hurt every time like it is new news?!?! It isn't!  I have said this all before yet you choose not to listen and try to trample my BOUNDARY that I am trying to enforce.  That BOUNDARY is that I don't want to go see MIL all the time.  I suck it up for holidays and special occasions but MIL is weekly trying to manipulate him into visiting.  I say that b/c I am pretty sure he doesn't enjoy going to her place either and is alwys trying to drag me along to endure the misery. 

Her latest manipulation tactic, she buys a bunch of food to cook out and insists that everyone comes, she sends him Marcos (video messages) and so I hear the whole convo.  Last night it was "Hi DH, I'm cooking out ribs on Sat and you have to come eat, your sister will be there, I've got tons of food so you have to come"....okay, I get that inviting people over for a cook out isn't manipulation but then she tells us a time and we get there and she feeds us 2-3 hours later EVERY TIME!  Like she holds us hostage with the food.  The kids hate it there b/c it is a small smoky apt with no yard and no toys/etc.  Plus EVERY single time she manages to do something to gross me out.  Once it was after she had her big toenails removed so as we are all sitting there eating she decides to remove the bandages off her big toes and expose her bloody big nasty toes Bad Another time it was her lifting up her shirt and rubbing her large belly talking about how sick she felt b/c she over ate (a thing she does every time).  I just can't do it.  Hell I'm getting anxiety just writing this blog about it!  Also, note that DH's sister's husband NEVER comes to any of these forced get togethers or holidays b/c he also can't stand MIL. 

Of course after DH received her Marco/invite/request he looks at me with his "sad" face and asks yet again why I don't want to go.  OMG, if looks could kill he would be dead!  Stop asking and then getting butthurt because I have to be straight up blunt about my dislike for this woman.  I never said he couldn't go!  I suggest he goes all the time with SD! LOL!  Then he relays the message that he will be there but I won't, and in her raspy smoker voice while baby talking MIL says, "well maybe when she is done being busy she can come"....GIANT CURSEWORD....why are they so damn relentless!!!! 

Comments

Dovina's picture

Your MIL is too much. Good thing you stick to your boundaries, you certainly do not need this in your life. Let your DH pout.

Your description of your MIL's table manners are stomach turning. Oh boy  *bad*

Simpleton21's picture

I just hate how he tries to manipulate me into going constantly after I have expressed my distaste for her enough times.  I tried to be nice about it at first also!

OMG, that is just a small dose of the nasty.  She is really disgusting.  She is on disability for diabetes and somehow had health care (that she doesn't pay for) cover a gastric bypass surgery so she lost a lot of weight but in a very unhealthy way but now she tries to dress "sexy" and at 65+ it isn't sexy to wear booty shorts looking like skelator and having sagging skin everywhere Bad

Simpleton21's picture

Extremely!  She looked better being slightly over weight!  Oh and her boobs sag to her belly button at least and she can't be bothered to put a bra on for company Bad

thinkthrice's picture

I would come down with a migraine but let DuH go.

Simpleton21's picture

Oh, I told him he can go without me, if he keeps trying to pressure me I'll def have a "migraine". 

Exjuliemccoy's picture

These men want us along as a buffer/service dog. They want us to handle all the emotional and relational labor for them. That way, they don't have to admit they don't actually enjoy their mom/kids/whomever. And they don't have to do the work.

My DH really struggles with interpersonal relations, so he loved it back when I helped him with his kids and family of origin. After being used and burned repeatedly, I don't do that anymore. We have an agreement that he handles his people and I handle mine, but he found it easier to let them go than to draw boundaries. 

Simpleton21's picture

Yes, all of this!  You are so right! 

Mine throws in the "well I spend time with your mom"....mmmkay....well I didn't force you to and have told you that you don't have to.  Also my mom lives 3 hours away and we see her maybe once a year.  His mom lives like 30 mins away and has decided to stay over before so she didn't have to drive in the dark.  Way overstays her welcome and I swear it gives me high blood pressure.

Aniki's picture

You need a Dammit Doll. Write "MIL" om her somewhere he can see.. Any time your H mentions MIL, whack away. 

advice.only2's picture

Okay I think I threw up in my mouth a little reading this. I have a hard time eating other peoples food, just like I can't eat at potlucks. I just don't trust people, especially people with cats...sorry I know I like cats but I see too many people with the cats walking all over their counters and I'm like okay your cat uses the litter box and is now walking all over your counters where you prepare food...I just can't!

Simpleton21's picture

Sorry to make you throw up, lol!  It is awful though!  I just picture her cooking like Peggy Bundy and dropping a cigarette in it.  She has this ratty little dog that she lets do whatever and she feeds it whatever and I find it so gross.  I also love cats but not on my counter or table or where I prepare food! 

Iamwoman's picture

Omg Advice2, I feel the same. At potlucks, I typically only eat the food I brought.

And yes to the cat statement. I will NOT eat food prepared by someone who owns a cat. Do these people not see their cats walking on counters and nibbling at any dishes up there, or do they just not care? It's disgusting. Cats have been proven to have just as much potential to cause disease in humans as rats. Blech.

halo1998's picture

alone would do me in.  DH is responsible for his parents and I'm responsible for mine....my MIL is ok but whew she likes her religion and church.   DH can't stand his parents..and always tries to get me to do the calling etc.  Yea nope..I got my own brand of crazy with my own family..not taking on his.  

I took over holiday cooking when one Thanksgiving we went to the inlaws and MIL ordered a Thanksgiving dinner and didn't read the add.  She thought it was cooked...and yep NOPE...raw.  So, no turkey, etc.....ever try to find a Mickey D's open on Thanksgiving.  Good luck...I am came home and cooked a full dinner from what I had in the house.

That did it for me..plus they in out in bfe.....and hour 1 way to poodunk junction.  

 

Simpleton21's picture

Right!?!? Like I don't expect him to deal with my crazy @$$ family or force him too!  If he said he didn't like my mom and didn't want to go to her house I would get it!  I wouldn't try to make him feel bad or manipulate him into going!  I can't do the over zealous religion either but DH's mom is like the polar opposite of that.  She is gross and makes sex jokes with DH and SIL which I find really disturbing! 

Ha, yes, having to cook an entire meal at MIL's would do me in too even if it was ready to cook! 

halo1998's picture

jokes are worse than the jeazus talk....that's just icky weird.

 

 

Simpleton21's picture

Right?!?! I'm not into religion but I can respect that others are.  I CANNOT respect a gross 65+ year old woman making dirty sex jokes with her grown/adult children with her gkids around.  It is wrong and disgusting on so many levels!  Just yuck!  Or she will talk about how she isn't "getting any"....YUCK!!!! 

I also think she might be addicted to pain pills b/c she is constantly in pain and having procedures done and she does this weird lip thing with her mouth like I would envision an actual crack head doing....

strugglingSM's picture

DH knows not to even ask me anymore...although on occassion he pushes it (usually about MIL coming to our house) and it causes a huge blowout between us. I don't even think he likes being around his mother. Her weapons of choice are blame, shame, and manipulation. She also repeatedly tells him he is critical of her, while also spending every visit telling him all the things he is doing wrong in his live. I think she is a narcissist. I've been using COVID as my excuse to socially distance from her. 

Simpleton21's picture

Thank you....for making me feel better about hating my MIL!  I am glad I am not the only one that expresses this to their DH!  I feel bad b/c I have a heart but damn she isn't my mommy and I'm completey disgusted by her and the way she raised him and her total lack of morals.  OMG, I could go on forever about this hag!  MIL's biggest manipulation is sympathy, baby talk, and food, MIL is always the victim.  She loves surgeries too, so she is always having surgery, she has had like 6 knee surgeries.  The last one they wouldn't even do locally b/c she couldn't find a dr to do it.  Then it was all MIL playing victim.  I have no one to drive me hours away for this surgery....so when she came home without assistance (she has a nurse that visits her daily) she had this big dramatic episode (on Valentine's day) about how much pain she was in and how she couldn't move and how she peed herself and no one could help her but DH or SIL (she knew DH and I had plans) so she did this big crying dramatic production and was like, "it's okay, go enjoy Vday with Simpleton" I'll be fine.  WTF ever! 

I wish I could use COVID as an excuse but she has acted like COVID isn't real or a worry since day one.  She is what I would consider vulnerable so I don't know how she doesn't feel the need to take any precautions!

strugglingSM's picture

We have very similar MILs. My MIL also uses baby talk and sympathy as her weapons of choice. She also has numerous surgeries. DH used to help her out, but now he tries to avoid her, because he always feels drained after seeing her (as you would after seeing any toxic person). At her last surgery, I don't even think he got her flowers (DH is a big fan of giving flowers). This was after she conspired with BM about Christmas, lied to DH about it, and then told him he was just being hateful towards her because he is "at war with BM", so he was not really feeling the love.  

I am using social distancing as an excuse, because DH and I are expecting a baby, so I'm at risk. MIL wouldn't want to put her beloved future grandchild at risk, would she? She wouldn't, but she still whines about how she's so lonely and can't figure out why we're not visiting her. DH explains that because I am pregnant, I am on extreme social distancing. MIL will also claim she is socially distancing and will then tell DH about all the friends she is seeing or the places she is going. MIL is also at high risk, since she has heart issues, but she seems to believe that if she only sees five people outside her household each week (as allowed by our state right now), that she won't have much risk (not true, if one of those five people has the virus, even if they have no symptoms, but trying to explain that to her would be an exercise in futility). 

I'm not looking forward to having MIL as a grandmother to my child. She will not be helpful, but rather will be demanding and entitled. She uses baby talk to speak to all of her grandchildren, even those in high school and I can't stand it. She also will make plans directly with the children, rather than consulting with parents first, leading to drama when the parents have to say no. It will take a while before she can do that with my child, but I'm already dreading that. I also don't think she was a good parent to DH. He had some accidents as a very young child (almost drowning at 18 months, being buried by a tree stump at 3 years old), that I view as her lack of paying attention. He also grew up feeling as if he could never be good enough, because she essentially told him he would never be good enough. So, I'll be wary of ever letting her be alone with my child. 

 

Tried out's picture

"being buried by a tree stump at 3 years old)"

Ah, come on! Details, please? How does one do this????? 

strugglingSM's picture

I don't know whose yard it was in, but someone (or a group of people) was removing a large tree in either DH's yard or a neighbor's yard. The tree was over on its side...or the stump was over on its side... with the big root ball perpendicular to the ground. DH, being a curious child, went to check it out and the entire thing fell back onto him. All the adults present had to dig him out with their hands. He said MIL pulled him out of the dirt by his hair. He was taken to the hospital and spent at least a couple of days there. I'm not sure what his injuries were, but I found a preschool enrollment / evaluation form and his mother mentioned it on the form (the accident and the hospitalization). 

I'll also add that DH told me very recently that when he was a baby his parents used to put a piece of plywood on his crib to keep him from getting out of the crib. When he became able to push the plywood up enough to get out of his crib, they would put paint cans on top of it to weigh it down. I asked him how he knew this and he told me that his father told him...I seriously hope his father was joking. 

Simpleton21's picture

Yikes, sorry to hear that you have a similar MIL.  It really sucks!  MIL is always trying to get us to watch YDS but it will never happen.  She tried to get us to let her take him camping and to have us pay for her site.  Not a chance in hell!  DH's CO with BM specifically states that MIL and SIL are NEVER allowed to be alone with or watch SD and if DH ever has to move in with BM he has to exercise his parental time with SD elsewhere.  When I first read that I thought BM was satan (still do just for other reasons)...now I completely understand why BM had that put in the CO! 

MIL has wrecked 2 cars b/c she passed out but she lied the 2nd time (at least I'm pretty certain she did b/c she didn't want to lose her license).  I really don't want her to have a relationship with my YDS, he doesn't like her, she is the type that forces hugs/affection and that drives me crazy.  My ODS can't stand her because she has never treated him like a gkid so I do not make him go to any of her forced get togethers/holidays/etc. 

I think I could go on and on all day about how awful this woman is.  She gave YDS peanut butter fudge at like 6 months old without asking and thought it was hilarious!  Thankfully he was not allergic to PB!  I found out from DH's mom that when she left 1 of her bfs she just packed her stuff and left, leaving DH with her ex bf!!!  Who does that!?!?  According to DH, his SM and DH's father, MIL was a big hoe and had an ever revolving door of bfs...cheated on FIL multiple times including sleeping with FIL's brother and father

So yeah, I have no respect for this woman and I'm tired of her toxic BS and if DH wants to deal with her he can but I refuse!

She literally begs in baby talk for DH to come visit her or buy her things we can't afford.  She knew we were struggling financially and told DH she would rent a stump grinder for him (yard project) and kept putting off when she could do it and using it as leverage to get him to visit and then finally was like, "well it isn't going to happen, I can't afford it".  I knew that would happen and I don't expect much of this woman but she should have never acted like it was going to happen and she really wanted to help DH. 

Iamwoman's picture

My MIL holds people hostage for hours on end by not serving the food upfront too!! Ugh.

Next time your DH turns to you with his sad face and asks "why," just say, "Do you hate me or something?"

He will of course act shocked and surprised at your question, to which you can reply, "I remember answering your question about MIL time and time again. If you don't know the answer by now, you aren't listening to me, which means you don't care about my thoughts or feelings. Please go eat with MIL, and please don't ask me again to go with you."

Simpleton21's picture

OMG, it is so annoying!  Plus when someone says we are going to eat at 6pm I want to eat at 6pm b/c I am an eater.  I can't just be okay for 3 hours!  Then I am hangry! 

Yes, yes, yes, I love your advice and I will totally use it!  I was so pissed last night when I heard the message and knew before even looking at him that his idiot @$$ would try again to guilt me into going and there is no way in hell I'm wasting my Sat night like that. 

Iamwoman's picture

I get hangry too. It is rude to not serve the food right away.

Every polite host knows the first thing to do is serve food and drink.

I dread MIL's "Christmas party" every late December or early January because of this. I've tried planning vacations and trips to avoid it but she always reschedules "to accommodate." My anxiety over her party kicks in around late October. It ruins the holidays.

Simpleton21's picture

Right!?!? The longest I've waited at holidays/gatherings/parties for food is like maybe an hour when it is a large gathering and the host is trying to be polite and wait for late people.  But the hours and hours I have to wait at MIL's really irks me b/c it is totally a hostage situation.  Usually people will stay after for a while if they enjoy your company!!!! You shouldn't have to force it like that!  Oh and MIL never has drinks so I just now know from experience to bring our own drinks. 

OMG, sounds just like MIL, I would always try to be busy on the dates she tried to force us over and she would always reschedule "to accommodate"!  Boooh!  No thank you!  Yep, MIL and steplife have def increased my holiday stress and ruined any joy I had in the season :( 

Thumper's picture

Your MIL like to do disgusting things while she holds visitors hostage.

Nope, just nope. I would be busy every single time.

Send a tray of cookies (TM-thumper)

 

 

Simpleton21's picture

Yes, she certainly does!  She lacks morals and values!  I am not that easily offended but this woman can offend anyone! 

I plan to be busy every time.  DH was like, "so am I just supposed to tell my mom you don't like her".  Yeah, do whatever you want, IDGAF, she knows her daughter's husband hates her.  She still wouldn't realize the common denominator is her!  Go ahead tell her I don't like her!  I'm not worried about that!

Ha, good idea, she is diabetic and "forgets" that she is diabetic even though she is on disability for it.  Give her diabetic shock!  Hahahaha, I'm not really that evil but man that is a nice fantasy!

Catmom23's picture

Say you're allergic to cigarette smoke, it gives you bad migranes and makes you choke people.  Lol.  I haven't seen my SO's mother or sister in years and it's been wonderful.  Of course at times it's used against me...the good ol' "You HATE my family" thing.  Yeah, who wouldn't ...

Simpleton21's picture

I wish I could use this excuse but I am a closet smoker and DH knows that.  I've been trying to quit.  So I know it probably makes me sound like a hypocrite but I feel like I am a curteous smoker.  I don't smoke in my home or in my car or at work.  Only outside away from people - especially if they are non smokers!

Oh, yeah, I love that crap line, that is what I used to get any time I brought up SD issues!  I'm sorry you hate my daughter.  I'll try to keep my daughter out of your hair.  I know my daughter is so awful!  Blah blah blah!  I don't actually hate SD.  His mom....well I might actually hate her.  Especially when I hear some of the things she did to DH and his sister when they were growing up!