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Update to "Punished for BM's Actions"

Rouge20's picture

Hi all,

Stopping in with an update about the kids conversation with my partner. My partner approached me a week ago and brouoght up the kids topic. He said that it was something we needed to discuss, and that he was ready to talk about it. It really meant a lot to me, and we've been more communicative about it in general over the last week. I'm not in a rush to have a kid right away, but it's definitely something I'd like to do and I said that. I asked him if he thought I would be just another BM, and if he really thought that I'd be the same way to him that she has, and he said no. He did talk more about his fears but it was a really different conversation this time and he was really receptive and non-judgemental. 

I pointed out to him that I'm a well-off woman and that it would actually be severely to my detriment to get pregnant and then split with him. Honestly, I want any child I have to have a stable home, and I want a partner to do it with, but if someone said I'd end up doing it alone I'd choose not to. I pointed out that I'd really hamper my chances to date, I'd lose months of work experience (I'm in a fast-paced, high earning position) and I'd end up losing the majority of my time. I think talking about it from this perspective really helped him see where my mind was at. Essentially my message was: "BM and I are completely different animals, and it would work against me to be a single parent in the end". Also, making the point that as much as he would be stuck with me for life, I'd also be stuck with him and I wasn't going to take that lightly. If I'm going to go through pregnancy, my expectation is that we both plan to be together. 

Overall the conversation was really good and much needed. He did confirm that he absoutely would like more kids (he'd like two, I'd like one, so we're going to debate a bit more haha) and that he's willing to work on his fears. Also, there won't be any more "I'm remembering this for if we have kids".

He's a really wonderful partner in so many ways, and this helped a lot.


futurobrillante99's picture

Promise me that you will have him sign a prenup waiving ALL spousal support or alimony, and all rights to your current assets and retirement savings. Do not marry him if he doesn't.

Have kids with him but don't marry him until he is willing to sign away rights to the above.

Ispofacto's picture

I don't trust this guy.  Ignoring red flags will come back to haunt you someday.


Rouge20's picture

I realize that this is the area in our relationship where work has to be done, but in every other way he is a fantastic partner. Within our relationship in every other topic or problem he is supportive and loving. He always takes care of conflicts with BM, and he doesn't tolerate disrespect towards me (if he sees it/hears it, he will shut it down). He backs me with his family and he doesn't expect or ask for me to be a parent (I volunteer to do different things because I love spending time with SD). Most of all when we fight about other things, he takes responsibility for his role in them and is collaborative on fixing them. These are some of the qualities that I really appreciate. I realize on this site there are a LOT of horror stories for sure so I've been reading responses with a bit of a grain of salt.

The conversation we had was really productive, and he listened very well and really showed that he was hearing what I was saying. He apologized meaningfully ('I'm sorry, here's the feeling that made that thought, I don't believe x and x, and I'm going to look at it like this from now on"), and we went over the things that he has said and it actually pained him to hear them. I won't be letting it happen again (and I made this clear) but I really felt a genuine attempt to connect from him. If this comes around again I still have a perfectly good front door, but something tells me it is going to change.