NSMR, but I'll tie it in I promise!
So I have been a stepmom for 11 years, and a Biomom (with no biodad in picture) for 18.5 years.... These moments were from EARLY on in DH and I's marriage.
So this is me tying it in. DH used to say that I was "being my kid's friend and not their mom" because I never "punished my kids"... and if they came out of their room happily apologizing, after I had my "talk" with them when they did something that needed "correcting" that I wasn't doing it right.... yes I use a lot of quotation marks, because I am trying to use his exact wording of certain phrases
When SD ever did something that needed correcting he would go in there and yell at her, she'd come out huffing and puffing from snotting and apologize, but I don't really think that she ever was ACTUALLY sorry, I feel that it was a FORCED apology
When I went into my kid's rooms and had a discussion, I explained to them, in a way that they understood, that their actions/words hurt people, and that I know that they probably were frustrated and didn't know how else to make what was happening (SD saying mean things to them, or SD took a toy, or SD was being mean), but to let SD know that what SHE was doing hurt thier feelings, and that if she continued, to leave the room, if she followed them to continue being mean, to come tell me or DH. I always gave them a PROPER solution, soem that would be a better alternative than to "fire back" at SD. I explained that, just like they are new to this situation, SD is new to it as well, that they are ALL going through a learning curve, and to just TRY to get along, and if it's not working, leave the situation, or coem talk to us. So their actions were corrected, they were given an alternative response to use in the future, and their feelings were validated.... I wasn't perfect, but I was TRYING....and they still came out and apologized... but for them, I feel like it was more sincere.
So, what is your opinion? Was I right in the way I handled these situations? I feel that they are very mature, kind, insightful young adults, I feel like I can let them have freedom to make the right decisions. I wanted to know that when I let them out into the world that they would make good thoughtful decisions.
Or do you think DH was right? That I should have yelled at them, should they have cried coming out of their rooms, being forced to apologize, and not really understanding their actions affected people? I see how SD has turned out, and I can't say that it 100% is because of the way DH raised her, but I know my kids are reliable, compassionate, and kind, much more kind and willing to forgive than I am sometimes. (not forgive and forget, I tell them never to forget, be smart, and guarded once someone burns you, but sometimes YOU need forgive someone so that YOU can let go of anger)
Sounds like you have
Sounds like you have different parenting approaches. You went for a learning approach and he prefers a "punishment" approach. Personally, I think your approach is better, assuming your kids do get some consequences if they continued to behave poorly after these talks you had with them.
And if your kids are doing well, you can tell DH to buzz off.
ETA: what is NSMR? Can't figure it out.
No Step Mom Related?
Not Step Mom Related?
lol, yes, Not Step Mom
lol, yes, Not Step Mom Related, but it was a little more stepmom related than i thought it would be... I thought it was going to be more PARENTING related, but i was able to make it more stepmom related
Their punishments were to
Their punishments were to write apology notes. They were never really horrible to each other, and it was always in a reaction to something SD did. Mostly DDs would try to come tell me that SD was doing something, but then SD would run and tell us that DDs did something.... like this one time SD came rushing in to tell us that DD had pushed her, when asked why SD why DD pushed her, she had no clue why DD pushed her. So we call DD out and tell her she's in trouble for pushing, DD says she pushed SD because she pushed her first (still in the wrong I 100% agree) to which SD denies 100 times over, no matter how many times we asked, how many different ways we ask, she denies it.... but it was all caught on the Nintendo DS, DD was filming herself singing minding her own business, SD didn't like it and pushed her, and she pushed her back.... when asked why she lied, she looked SHOCKED, like she had no idea what demon possessed her, because she had NOOOOO recollection of this happening (she didn't actually say that, she just said she didn't remember pushing her). And now, when it comes time for dealing with this behavior, DH sees this as EQUAL action and requires EQUAL consequence. I don't see it as equal... I see this as
1. SD pushed because she is a B****
2. SD manipulated the situation by making sure she was telling (DD wasn't even going to tell on SD, she was SURPRISED when we called her to come tell us why she was pushing)
3. SD lied and lied and lied even when confronted with evidence she tried to act like she didn't remember it.
DD just pushed her to "get her back"
and honestly, if this were between my 2 DDs, I would just tell them to knock it off, stop pushing each other, and they'd be fine... nobody was hurt, nobody got pushed to the ground, it was a LITTLE push...
BUT because it was SD, I made her write an apology note... and guess what SD got? to write an apology note..... DH didn't talk to her about being manipulative, decietful, being mean, nothing... and her note? it sucked a$$
I'm like you
That's how I raised DS and DD. Its how I tried to raise my 3 SKs, too. The only difference in our situations is DH very seldom disciplined anybody, mine or his. Lol.
I realize that some parents have very resistant, defiant kids where stronger measures are needed. I'm not a yeller and think kids model what they see. I notice that none of them yell at their kids, either.
It's possible to get through to kids without yelling. I used to have big, grown up teenage boys in tears sometimes.
that's how I thought too, I
that's how I thought too, I was a single mom with 2 kids, and I HAVE yelled before, heck I even used to "spank" them (1 swift open hand on the butt) but then I realized it only made them/us cry/frustrated/upest, and it never ACTUALLY helped the outcome... so I stopped, took a breath and reassessed the situation, and it made me feel MORE calm, and able to handle the situation more clear headed, and I think it really helped them see that we are ALL on the same team, and we want the same thing.
I think it's a balance
I think it's a balance honestly, I have had nice heartfelt conversations with my children and other times I just get mad and yell and don't want to take the time spell it out for them. After all I'm human and so are my kids we aren't perfect. I think the clarity you are looking for here has nothing to do with you talking with your kids versus DH yelling at his. Instead view it as this, you made it clear to your children you were the adult and the authority. Your DH made it clear to his child that he was her buddy and she was on equal footing as him...there was no parent/authority figure there for her. So really it's not that he was a yeller, it's that he never acted like a parent with her, so no matter what he did it was never going to be effective.
I think parents often have to
I think parents often have to try different approaches to find one that works, and the approach that works with one kid might not work with another. It sounds like your approach worked with your kids. It may or may not have worked with SD.
My SD6 is much better with people than SD9 is. She is very cognizant of people's feelings and explaining how feelings can be hurt and how to avoid it and otherwise deal with a situation works well with her. She will dissolve into tears and tune out if she's yelled at. SD9 isn't wired that way. She responds to punishment, and being yelled at won't break her. It's always a challenge with them because how we deal with one versus the other can seem unfair sometimes, but a talk doesn't usually work for SD9 and yelling/punishing often backfires with SD6. Time will tell with DD2, but with my luck she'll require a completely different approach.
I agree different approach
I agree different approach for different folks, but yelling at SD and forcing apologies didn't work, she was STILL manipulative and decieful, still is... I wouldn't take an apology from her now, and it's all BS.
I always tried to give
I always tried to give explanations to my kids, so that they could understand the consequences of their actions and how other people may be affected.
I'm not saying they are perfect but they are both nice, polite and engaging young guys.
I wasn't on the scene when ex SD was being raised. But my ex is a very passive, head in the sand, ignore everything type. That has definitely contributed to how his daughter has turned out.
When your only parenting tool
When your only parenting tool is a hammer, every problem looks like a nail. Your DH apparently is not intellgent enough to realize that there are multiple parenting tools beyond a "hammer". I am a no bullshit direct confrontation of crappy behavior parent.
However, my son (former SS-29 for 20 years who asked me to adopt him when he was 22) and I have countless more enjoyable laughsing memories of behavioral choices that resulted in consequences that to this day have us both laughing over them than we do hammer and nail stories.
Case on point. He got a lecture on having his chores done by the time his mom or I, whoever got home first, got home from work. As I was driving into the driveway one evening I see a flurry of activity in the house. The particular chore for that day was vacuuming the pine needles in the living room after we removed the Christmas tree. I walked in the house and he is in his room "doing homework". I asked him if he had done each of his assigned chores. "Yes dad". So we walked side by side to the living room where the room was evenly covered in pine needles... except for a single strip the width of the vacuum cleaner right up middle of the entire length of the room. After the look and a talking too I got the "But dad, I did as I was told. I vacuumed up pine needls." I lost it in a a rolling belly laugh. Sure, I could have lost my cool with him. But... that problem was not a nail, I did not need to be a hammer, so we laughed about it and ... he spent a couple hours picking up pine needles one by one by hand as I watched a movie while pointing out a needle periodically and saying "you missed one".
We laugh about that one every Holiday season to this day. More than a decade later.