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Pecanflower's picture

I've been reading some blogs and forum posts. And my head is about to explode.

So many of us here in StepTalk have the same story. "He treats me like a babysitter." "The SKids are disrespectful." "I do everything; but he won't support my authority." yadda yadda yadda.

As you read deeper into the situation you can see definate signs of emotional, if not physical abuse. Yet, she stays. "But I have babies." "But I love him." "But he's a good man." "But, I can't afford to live on my own." But But But.

Sometimes I just want to collectively gather us up and give us a solid shake.


Disengage if he won't step up. You aren't the parent. If you don't want to be the parent...don't be.
If he is abusing you, get the EFF out. Your kids will be worse in the situation than out.

Sorry. I mean. We all give the same advice over and over and over and over. And yet, it seems to land on deaf ears.


wicked_by_proxy's picture

You are right and accurate. I have thought that myself. Keep in mind, though, that there are as many situations as there are women blogging. Some are afraid, and need the confirmation of the masses that they are not crazy and they CAN get out. Maybe they don't trust themselves. Some are lonely and will never make a move, so they just blog wherever someone will listen and comment.

Some can't see their options, too many trees and not enough forest, and when they blog, asking what seems like a no brainer question, they are met with workable suggestions that they may have never considered, answers that just may give them a way out.

I read your frustration in your is just not so cut and dried as you want it to be and much easier (definitely much less frustrating) to extend grace to those that need it.

secret's picture

Everyone thinks "THIS can't be happening to ME"

Think of it like every teenager does stupid things, thinking they're invincible...

Everyone wants the fairly tale ending....but nobody wants to consider they're not getting it.

somethingwicked's picture

So true.
Same sad stuff.
Disney Dads.
Manipulated PAS step children
Terrible Toxic Adult Skids.
Crazy territorial BM's.

And our own lack presence ,or self esteem, self confidence , fear or just plain inexperience with family dynamics, normal(whatever that may be) or our own and then falling into Step Hell Frying Pan makes for these experiences that fill these boards .
You can go all the way back to 2005 and find similar accounts by original posters.

Disengagement works. But not for everyone and every circumstance,I believe.
Therapy ,too. But not always.

It's sad and sucks how much pain and heartbreak are on these boards.
But ,too, some triumphs .

But ,yep, I agree with your observation. Only posting 5 weeks, reading /learning here since January 2011.
Married 27 1/2 years... disengaged only 4 and that's because StepTalk gave me the tools and the impetus to do it.

JadeMom's picture

It's because people want a nice, easy answer to their problems. As if there was a magical phrase they could say to skids/DH/BM/whoever to get treated better.(A phrase that is not "NO." It has to keep everyone happy!)

It's never an easy answer. If it was, there wouldn't be a problem.

Not discounting everyone's problems. I've been through it too and it sucks. But more often than not, the right answer isn't an easy one.

AJanie's picture

Most of us are married to or living with someone who has kids. But every situation is and person is still totally different.

What one woman may tolerate for 25 years, another wouldn't tolerate for 25 seconds.

Different religious backgrounds = different beliefs about divorce.

Different financial situations. Different ages.

What a woman at 50 years old has learned might fall on deaf ears if spoken to a woman who is 27. One woman's rotten skids who stayed rotten well into their 20's may be different from another woman's rotten skids who grew up and now she gets along with them.

One person may be able to have a conversation with his or her spouse about expectations and things change immediately. It may take complete disengagement for another couple.

Also - we only hear half of the story with each blog post.

Maxwell09's picture

I ran into SM2 at graduation yesterday and she made a comment about BM giving her trouble and I, very straightforward, said "yeah I'm on to year five, you're just getting started and the best thing you can do is ignore [BM] at all costs. It won't get better and she won't change" She tried to shrug it off and say "oh well [Babydaddy2] plans on taking her to court soon" I told her to save her money and her time. She's a disney mom passing her children and losing control of them both at the same time. "Give it a few years and the kid will be so uncontrollable and she will be leaving him on your doorstep"

She gave me giant Deer-in-headlights eyes. Sure I was blunt but its the truth and its exactly the advice I received (kind of) here when I first arrived and what I've learned from this site in the last three years from others. I saved her a lot of time and experience with those words but I'm sure her rose-goggles made them fall on deaf ears. She will learn just like the rest of us...