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What’s your limit?

Paintcrisis's picture

I've discovered I have the 'rare' talent of meeting cheaters. Too bad it's not something to brag about. . .

But I have to know, where do you draw a line in the sand?

The guy I was seeing, he had some fun step-problems to bring to the table but since I knew we weren't going to get married or live together, I just watched from the sidelines.

Until one day I get a social media message from a guy who says my bf was texting his gf inappropriate things. Like something from a bad drama series, I agreed to meet this guy in the Dollar Store parking lot for the proof. It reads like a classy novel, right?

This guy proceeds to show me a video he took of his gf's phone and her Snapchat history with my bf. They were beautiful renditions of requests for nudes and asking to meet up in the bathroom of a local dive bar. I wanted to give him the benefit of a doubt and guess maybe they were going to exchange bathroom accessories they bought as gifts for each other (it was almost Christmas) in a private setting.

I shouldn't joke, it isn't a fun situation but I can't help it. And it did hurt my feelings for a bit.

BF swore he didn't actually DO anything and said it was just a conversation that went too far. Insulted my intelligence. I don't roll that way. He said I was a female dog for dropping him because if the situation was reversed, he would be mad but would work with me on things.

Everyone has their limits, what is yours?


Ooppssss, I forgot to say I am no longer seeing him. We broke up after I got the message.


BethAnne's picture

I soooo missunderstood "meeting cheaters." I thought there was some magic way to cheat at work related meetings and you were ace at mind was so confused for a second there!

SteppedOut's picture

Well I have the "talent" of falling for narcissists (one of them being a cheater) and not realizing it until waaaaay too late. I'm getting better though. 

Hopefully you will start to recognize it more quickly. 

Tbh, I am enjoying being single and will very likely stay that way. 

Evil3's picture

I'm a magnet for narcs too! My DH isn't one, which I thought was a miracle, but did I escape narcissism? Hell no!!! My SD30 grew up to be one, so I still get to have a narc on the periphery. I also end up with narc bosses.

Yay, us!

susanm's picture

He would be mad if the situation was reversed but would work on it.   Bahahahhahahahaha!  Thanks for the laugh.  I needed that tonight!  Gitl, you are well rid of this asswipe.  Get to a gyno and make sure he did not leave you with a "going away present" and then forget you ever knew him.

Mandy45's picture

Another womens boyfriends msg me on facebook complaining there girlfriends cheating with my bf would be more than enough. 

I'm sure if the shoe was on the other foot he wouldnt put up with it either. How are you a bitch because you dont want to be cheated on. Lol 99% of people in a loving relationship dont want to be cheated on. 

Just cut your losses change your number and never have contact with this goose again move on with your life. He just a loser with a capital L. 

Cooooookies's picture

I don't know about limits but this makes me very thankful that I'm married.  If DH dies before me, this very much convinces me that I should stay single...

lieutenant_dad's picture

If I'm casually dating someone that's just for fun?

They chew their food too loudly, they wear an off-putting cologne, they text me before 9am or after 10pm on a weekday, they think it's "so cool" that I'm a nerd girl and they want to compare our nerdiness (read: test my nerdiness)...

This is why I didn't date. I'd get to maybe a 3rd date and be totally turned off by behavior/conversation.

If I were already dating someone who had drama, and someone added more drama (true or not), I'd probably just leave. I'm not interested in dealing with it if I'm not married to you or have intentions of marrying you.

WalkOnBy's picture

Oh, paint, it's your picker that's off.  As for my line in the sand?  Your situation would definitely be it.  NO ONE should put up with someone who doesn't value them.  

Gimlet's picture

Yes, WOB.

Paint, I've followed your story for a long time and my heart both rages and breaks for you.  You deserve so much better than you've ever received. 

Paintcrisis's picture

Awwww, Gimlet. Thank you.

I'll be ok and I'm happy living alone in my little red house with my wild and crazy kids and pets.

now if I can just change the city ordinances to allow chickens in my yard, I will be happy as a pig in mud!

theoldredhen's picture

Yo, Paint!

I spent an entire evening, some months ago, reading every single one of your postings. In spite of the awful poop that kept raining down upon your undeserving head, you never lost your courage or your sense of humor.

Please, don't ever stop posting! This site needs survivors like you. Give rose

Paintcrisis's picture

Hey lady, thanks for that! I miss the friendships I made on here though. My history went back to 2 previous user names and the 5 years of step hell. 
but we survive and move on.

tog redux's picture

That's way past my line in the sand. 

I might be able to deal with a drunken mistake that he apologized for profusely and felt incredibly guilty about. But this is a guy who will screw anything that lets him - cut your losses now. 

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

After the s*** show I've been in... I'd say event he conversations are too much... H claims that he "was only going to talk to floozy" but it escalates... That's not a conversations going too far in my eyes any more. It shows intent.  IMHO.

I'm with tog, a STUPID drunken mistake is one thing (and would still take hella effort and time) but this is something completely different...

I'm sorry Paintcrisis Sad

ETA: He also "only downloaded tinder to talk to people and there was ZERO flirting" *eye roll* There's always an excuse. But an excuse is never good enough to overstep certain boundaries.

tog redux's picture

Plus, a man in a committed relationship should not even start a conversation like that, much less let it go "too far".  That's a giant red flag of his need to get validation from women in unhealthy ways. 

Paintcrisis's picture

Yes! He does seem to need validation from other women, no idea why. Currently he is rescuing a woman with twin boys and a deadbeat baby daddy. And another woman with 2 little boys and 2 deadbeat baby daddies. I wish him well with both endeavors!

But I rolled him out the door and now I'm happy just living a quiet life in my boring town. 

Aniki's picture

Why? Because he has holes inside and he's trying to fill them. Temporary validation gives him a rush of need and solace. His own insecurities pump right back in and he seeks more and more. It's like a drug.

ESMOD's picture

I think that someone's limit on staying with a cheater would depend a lot upon the balance of the relationship.  If it was a rock solid relationship with no drama and I felt that I was respected and valued and a priority and there was one act of indiscretion.. perhaps my DH went to a reunion and got friendly with a HS girlfriend after a few too many shots.. and nothing "below the belt" occured?

I might be really pissed.. and I might stay angry for a long time about it.. but I might feel like I could work through this and that the balance of our life was worth saving.

Now, with MY EXH.... he was a Heckhole. and a jerk.  He had a hard time keeping a job and it was never his fault.  He made my life more difficult and complicated and wasn't supportive of me.  When HE cheated.. it was done. over.  He did not get a pass.


In your case, I think there were plenty of negatives before this came up to not even want to be in a relationship with him.. the cheating would have made my mind up for sure.

BethAnne's picture

This guy sure is big on the the dive bar bathroom. He is so desparate for sex that he is not even willing to do what most horny guys do and hang out at the bar waiting to hit on someone. He has to find someone to text with before hand so that he can pester her to have public sex with him. Or how about find an online date and wine and dine his potential affair partner or I don't know book a motel room or something. No his go-to is to just buy her a couple of drinks at the dive bar and expect to be able to stumble a few feet to the bathroom so that he get his end away. He is disgusting! 

I am so glad that somone told you what was going on. Time to get out of that relationship pronto. You deserve so much more than a horny creep of a guy. 

tog redux's picture

Seriously, I wouldn't even date a guy who communicated that way with ME, much less with someone else. 

CLove's picture

That includes:

Emotional infidelity

Financial infidelity

Physical infidelity

Anything else with another women, even via texting.

Paintcrisis's picture

Yeah, he was out the door the day I found out. But small towns have a way of forcing interactions, especially because we both have kids in the same grade at a small school.

Aniki's picture

I dated a guy who actually expected me to sit at home, pining, while he went out with his buddies. He called one night, asking where I was (cuz I wasn't at home!). "OUT." "Who with?" "Friends." "When will you be back?" "Dunno. Maybe Sunday afternoon."(this was Friday night) Man, was he p!ssed!

When a man doesn't treat me with respect and as an equal, I'm OUT.

ETA: Sorry, Paint. You might want to take some time to figure out WHAT this guy had that you found attractive. Is it a quality you liked in others? You may need to adjust your picker to throw up a red flag.

Rumplestiltskin's picture

My limit is zero cheating. No flirty texts, no borderline inappropriate work-wife BFFs, absolutely no online dating profiles "just for fun." No drunken makeouts.  Jesus, do some people actually consider these things acceptable? I guess people really do have different standards.

ETA you deserve much better than any of that. 

Kmckay1379's picture

My last relationship was a high school sweetheart. I caught him texting dirty things to a classmate during his senior year, and then during his graduation I caught him again with a different girl. I drew the line a few years later when he was getting comfortable with my underage cousin.