You are here

Feeling calm rather than stressed

New_to_this's picture

I'm calmer than I've been in a while. After the last of SS15's shenanigans, I told DH that I couldn't do this anymore. I won't get into all of it. I just knew that I was done. A few week before, DH told me that BM had done internet searches into boarding schools. Knowing that BM was looking to put SS in a boarding school, I realized that I couldn't count on any hope that she would ever take SS full-time. She would dump him on us even though we have too much to handle as it as (2 little kids). She and the therapists would say, "well...he's better behaved at your house, so he should stay with you."

Sure, he's better behaved at my house. My house is a police state. We put away everything of value when he comes over. DH oversees him a lot. We are now leaving $60 on the nightstand table in our room, so that he'll see that and take it rather than take the chance that he'll dig through our stuff to find money. We also just got security cameras so we'll know what's going on in and around the house when we are not there.

But, I can't live with a child who doesn't get in trouble when he does something wrong. We make it so that he has little opportunity to get in trouble at our house, but if he does do something wrong, there is little consequence or no real consequence. DH won't call the police, he won't yell at him, he won't honestly explain to him the consequence of his actions because SS is too sensitive to take it. I walk on eggshells around him for so many reasons. And now, he's using the threat of going to a mental institution to get away from getting in trouble. I don't want to spend thousands of dollars for him to fake being suicidal to get out of trouble. I can't take it that I am more honest with DS4 when disciplining him than DH and BM are when disciplining their 15 year old.

Now, that I've told DH that I couldn't take it, I feel better. I did end up allowing SS to come to our house early. DH was a wreck and anxiety-ridden. I don't want to do that to him, I want my relationship with DH to work, but I no longer feel the dread that I did before. DH also said that he was going to focus on me and the two little kids because he has to. He talked about taking vacations, just the 4 of us or the 2 of us. He talked about being done with SS after he graduates from high school. He talked about not funding college for SS because it would be a waste of money if he could even pass high school. He talked about needing me to help get him through this. I felt like we are a team.

I feel like I have control over my own situation again. Even though I don't know what DH will and will not do, I know what I can handle and what I can't and I have to remain true to that.


lieutenant_dad's picture

I'm happy for you finding peace, but I want to punch your DH in the face for not parenting his terror son and then letting him loose on the rest of us in 3 years because it will be easier for him.

Harry's picture

That you can live with he’s 15 yo you have 3 or 4 more years of high school.  I can not see how you can live this way for three more years.?  Then what ?  He out on the street ?  Your DH is going to let his DD live as a homeless person?  You are betting on your DH  NO solution ( head in sand ) as your solution for SS.  That is not going to work 

You have to make DH come up with a plan. As what we are doing and accomplishing this year, what we are accomplishing next year ect.  Not his saying I am done but still have him over causing he** 

Monkeysee's picture

What does your DH mean by being ‘done’ with SS when he hits 18? Why doesn’t he just start, I dunno, parenting him instead of waiting 3 years until he can write him off?

I feel kind of sorry for your SS. He’s got 2 parents who never bothered parenting him, and now as a result of their totally crap behaviour, neither want anything to do with their kid? 

I’m glad you’re feeling relief, none of this is your responsibility. But your DH & BM both need a serious kick up the @ss for what they’re doing to their child. 

New_to_this's picture

I'm coming to the realization that maybe there was nothing we could have done to change the trajectory of SS. BM doesn't do good in the parenting department. I won't go into reasons why, but will say that she is objectively a crappy parent. DH has been too lenient due to various reasons, some which I support, some which I don't. SS is his own person with mental issues and add to that he's adopted, his parents are divorced, and he got two little siblings that he wants nothing to do with, so probably has issues from that too.

DH's goal was to raise contributing members to society. It still is. He will continue to parent SS but not at the expense of our marriage anymore (at least for now). He will continue to provide SS with all the medical care that he needs and hope that therapy and medication will help him. But he will focus on me and the little kids. I wanted to be supportive to SS and to DH, but I realize that I need to be truthful and honest with myself. I will support DH, but I will no longer do it at my emotional expense.

He used to think that he could focus on SS, since I could take care of the rest. He’s realized what it’s doing to me and his future with me.

Harry's picture

even if you disengage, you are still running your home as a jail. With everything locked up, worried he going to be a bad influence on younger kids.  Maybe boarding school is the answer to get him out of your home.  

Your saying all the right things as DH is going to focus on you and your other kids. But how is he going to do it. Especially is SS Ramps up his behavior when he see more attention is going to young kids.   I don’t know how you are going to do this beside locking him up in his room ?? 

Kids with mental problems do not change for the good, they only get worst,  as getting into drugs and alcohol. With all, that brings with it.  Need for money at any cost.  Having friends that are just as bad as him.  Unless it bolted down it will be stolen 

New_to_this's picture

I agree. I have brought up that boarding school is the only answer I can come up with. I think about this a lot and I keep going back to therapeutic boarding school as being the only viable answer since we can't rely on BM. Unfortunately, it is extremely expensive and there are only a few that are low-cost, but DH has issues with them and is reluctant to go the boarding schol route in general regardless of cost.

I also agree that it will only get worse as he gets older. He has mental problems and impulsivity problems, along with an extremely selfish personality. It's not winning him any brownie points with anyone. All of the past makes it even harder to have any sort of empathy/sympathy for him. Plus, he knows what works to get what he wants - by playing the suicide card he gets out of jail free...everytime.

I think that DH and I have to be on the same page at all times in order to keep our marriage intact through this. Our goal has to be our marriage coming out stronger and raising the two little kids. It means that we don't do things for SS that we did for SD and that we will do for DS and DD. It means that SS doesn't get to learn how to drive or gets a license (though we can't control what BM does). It means that SS isn't getting college money. It means that me and the little kids get vacations without SS (he currently gets vacations without us, so it's not like he's deprived in any way - DH makes us feel guilty, which he says he will no longer do). It means that SS can make choices, but he has ramifications for them (DS is starting to understand things and I will no longer let him see the inequity especially when SS is so much older but is treated more like a baby than him).

To me, it means that we make things tough on SS. We don't care how he takes it. No guilt, no empathy. If it means he wants to grow up and get the h*ll away from us, all the better. I am sorry about giving the world a crappy adult in 3 years who will likely live off the system...maybe he'll figure things out, but it'll have to be on his own.