Feeling calm rather than stressed
I'm calmer than I've been in a while. After the last of SS15's shenanigans, I told DH that I couldn't do this anymore. I won't get into all of it. I just knew that I was done. A few week before, DH told me that BM had done internet searches into boarding schools. Knowing that BM was looking to put SS in a boarding school, I realized that I couldn't count on any hope that she would ever take SS full-time. She would dump him on us even though we have too much to handle as it as (2 little kids). She and the therapists would say, "well...he's better behaved at your house, so he should stay with you."
Sure, he's better behaved at my house. My house is a police state. We put away everything of value when he comes over. DH oversees him a lot. We are now leaving $60 on the nightstand table in our room, so that he'll see that and take it rather than take the chance that he'll dig through our stuff to find money. We also just got security cameras so we'll know what's going on in and around the house when we are not there.
But, I can't live with a child who doesn't get in trouble when he does something wrong. We make it so that he has little opportunity to get in trouble at our house, but if he does do something wrong, there is little consequence or no real consequence. DH won't call the police, he won't yell at him, he won't honestly explain to him the consequence of his actions because SS is too sensitive to take it. I walk on eggshells around him for so many reasons. And now, he's using the threat of going to a mental institution to get away from getting in trouble. I don't want to spend thousands of dollars for him to fake being suicidal to get out of trouble. I can't take it that I am more honest with DS4 when disciplining him than DH and BM are when disciplining their 15 year old.
Now, that I've told DH that I couldn't take it, I feel better. I did end up allowing SS to come to our house early. DH was a wreck and anxiety-ridden. I don't want to do that to him, I want my relationship with DH to work, but I no longer feel the dread that I did before. DH also said that he was going to focus on me and the two little kids because he has to. He talked about taking vacations, just the 4 of us or the 2 of us. He talked about being done with SS after he graduates from high school. He talked about not funding college for SS because it would be a waste of money if he could even pass high school. He talked about needing me to help get him through this. I felt like we are a team.
I feel like I have control over my own situation again. Even though I don't know what DH will and will not do, I know what I can handle and what I can't and I have to remain true to that.