It has been a long 10 years.
I have been with dh for 10 years and there are 2 skids-ages 12 and 14. Every time they leave our place they go home and tell their bm all these lies about us and every little detail of our lives (and making it out worse than it is to gain extra attention). Bm loves this and feeds into it, often asking them questions and promting them for answers then when they have something negative to say about us, it's almost like she rewards them for it.
I hate living under a microscope and watching every thing I say,do,etc because of having it relayed and misconstrued. It is extremely hard living that way too.
BM also tries to control everything at our house. She tells them what they can/can't do and gets them in trouble for it. Even if it is something that we do in our house, they are expected not to participate in fear of being in trouble. Two examples, our boat, they are not allowed on it according to their bm so they refuse to go out on it and enjoy it. Previous summers they have enjoyed it but since the bm read where someone died on a boat, it is now forbidden. Another example is certain movies (like twilight). We watched it one night and the skids watched too and said something to their bm about it and she grounded them for watching it. They are at their dads, doing nothing wrong, why ground them for things he allows?
As they get older, it just continues to get worse. I resent them being in the house because it's like we can't do, say, watch anything out of fear of getting them in trouble. They won't not tell her either, they will lie about everything else but will not lie about the silly things that will get them in trouble.
We had this exact problem for
We had this exact problem for several years.
When the skids realize they don't need to run home and tell BM everything, they will find they don't get in trouble .
Ss12 isn't allowed to many things with us BUT our rules are our rules when he is with us. BM rules are hers when he is with her.
He has also been grounded and spanked by BM for things he does with us (movies,eating a candy bar, )so after awhile he decided it wasn't in HIS best interest to mention those things.....
Lol....however he still is her spy and reports everything ELSE that goes on in our home.
I'm sorry you are going through this, I know it is very frustrating, and causes anxiety. I hate it so much myself and find I rarely speak when SS is here. DH doesn't like the fact I literally ignore him and truly some weekends don't speak a single word to him.
I have to maintain my own sanity......
I can relate about not
I can relate about not speaking! I refuse to discuss anything of importance when they are around because it gets relayed to her and twisted. The cost of our car, remodel, etc. Everything they hear is relayed back to her. She will quiz them and they offer on their own willingly. They say they don't want to lie when questioned so that's why they tell her everything. Dh has explained that it only hurts them but they just don't get it. What is odd about it is they will lie about things they do (like music they listen to on their own) so they don't get in trouble, but if is anything dh or myself has suggested or done, they can't wait to tell.
You need to look into
You need to look into Parental Alienation. It sounds like BM is trying to poison the skids against your DH. Common tactics include:
- asking skids to spy on DH and report back every little detail
- rewarding the skids when they say something negative about DH
- instilling fear in skids for doing activities with DH
Try not to blame the skids, they are often caught in the middle of this manipulative game (although they can be active participants too). Reassure them that the boat is safe and that they should be allowed to enjoy time with DH as much as with BM.
It's a tough battle to fight. I wish you much luck.
Sadly the courts do not view
Sadly the courts do not view PAS as real so the BM gets away with it all the time. I would only make small talk in front of the skids. Just like talking to tenants. The weather is a safe topic or local sports, that sort of thing.
Entitlement sessions, errr, I mean visitation is like hosting a Jihadist Sleeper Cell in your very own home! Everything you say WILL be held and turned against you.
I've even had to adopt this mentality with Godsgift (biodad) as this PAS thing has totally pushed him over the cliff mentally. He was moody before but it's gotten way worse so I never talk about anything "controversial" to him. Nice way to have a relationship with your supposed "soulmate," eh? The rules change when previously enjoyed families are involved.
It's not just the BM's out
It's not just the BM's out there, you know. I am a step-dad living with SD17, and she is every bit the spy for her perfect bio-daddy that the steps are in your situation. Bio-daddy is mentally unstable, and has already sued us for "derogatory" comments that we made about him, which SD reported to him. The suit was dismissed, as it was meritless, but I now walk on eggshells in order to avoid future frivolous suits. Even if you prevail in court, you seldom get attorney fees.
I refuse to walk on eggshells
I refuse to walk on eggshells in my own home. If the kids want to run back to mommy and tell them I did this and that and allowed them to do the other, who cares? It is legal and not immoral so butt the stink out of MY home.
Feelinglozt, why not say to the girls "I am sorry your mother doesn't want you to do xyz. I understand her concerns but your father and myself would never let you get into a dangerous situation. And your mother doesn't live here and she doesn't make the rules."
And do what you want to anyway. If she grounded the girls for watching Twilight then this kind of control will certianly backfire in the future. I can promise you THAT!
Thanks for all the responses,
Thanks for all the responses, as bad as it is that we have all expeienced this, it's also nice to know that I'm not alone and others can relate!
We have heard about PAS and spoke with an attorney about it. Sadly, it is hardly recognized in our court system here and would be less then a 5% shot to even prove it. Since the kids will lie for her on the drop of a dime, it won't do any good to get them in front of a judge. Our friend is a good attorney and said that it's not worth the money since even if we somehow won, the bm would still have visits and still do damage to them. The only way to stop PAS is for her to get help for herself also and she won't admit there is a problem. A judge has called her out on the past about it and said that getting the kids counseling won't help when the bm fails to see an issue in herself.
We have both tried talking to them and her about it being our house, our rules and that we aren't doing anything that is illegal or would harm them in any way, but she still tries to push her control and they fall to it everytime. About a month ago we finally just said, fine, don't participate in anything, you're the ones who missing out. We've went to bat for you guys, you continue to lie about things to her, so you can either choose to have fun with us, or sit and be bored on your time here. We still continue to do things as a family, but they just don't participate in some things to avoid upsetting their mom. We turned some music on one night to dance and they just sat the whole time because their mom would be upset if they danced. If those choose to wear the long sleeves/jeams their mom sends in the summer vs shorts and a tanktop (because they are not allowed to wear tank tops or shorts at her house), then they are the ones who suffer.
I feel bad for them, but I also resent the light they take out of the house when they are around. I hate having to censor talking about things with my dh because it isn't bm business. I hate having to wait to spend big $$ purchases for the weeks they aren't there because they will report it to her and then we have to hear the child support rants from her. Yes, dh pays support, actually pays more than what the courts would order, carries them on insurance, etc, but that is never good enough for her. She is *VERY* money hungry and her and her dh have some serious bad money spending habits.
Maybe there will be some peace if they decide not to come and visit anymore as the get older. It will be hard on dh and I just because we do love them and care about them, but the stress and conflict will be absent from the home. However, I can see that bm would push them to come because she has to know every little detail of our house and can't stand not knowing. Really, why's it her business what color underwear I own or my bra size? (seen the text that she sent to my oldest sd asking her to take a peak)