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Two Party Contrast

TwirlMS's picture

A holiday weekend now over after two parties. One for DH's kids and another one for my kids. I did all the decorating, planned the picnic, baking cupcakes, etc. at a waterpark near the campground we were at.

One party left me smiling and happy with lots of hugs and thank yous and the other party left me in tears causing an argument. I'm sure you've guessed it was DH's kids that caused the argument.

Instead of being happy with what I planned, they decide they want to take our boat out on the lake. Our boat was in dry storage since we don't have the lake home anymore, and it's gas tank empty. DH announces that he is going to pick up the boat, get gas, and SD36 is going with him. The two of them take off in the car, leaving me and SS's family there at the waterpark. I tell SS I guess we'll meet them down at the marina. I go change into some dry clothes and make the long walk alone on a hot day down to the Marina. I wait down there for an hour and no one shows up. Finally I take the shuttle back up to the campground and find DH and SD on the trailered boat trying to fit spare keys into the ignition. I had the key all along if they would have bothered to consult me or come down to the marina like they were supposed to. Result, an argument ensues between DH and me, much to SD's enjoyment I'm sure.

TwirlMS's picture

Even though the SK's don't appreciate it, I do it for DH. It makes him happy to see his kids and he can't throw a party by himself. I try to rise above the feeling I get after none of the stepkids ever say thank you and I do it without expecting anything in return. I just don't expect to be treated badly when they are here. It always surprises me. Time for another heart-to-heart talk.

We are building a house on another lake (farther away) so we need to keep the boat which is nearly new.

sammigirl's picture

Oh yes, another "I do it for DH". Been there and done that for 30+ years. When I disengaged from unappreciative SD56, I'm not even invited to any dinner, camp trip, etc. They are going to show me.

I was always treated badly and I always tried to "do it for DH". Well guess what, my heart got ripped out and stomped on, by my DH and Skids, especially SD56 and SGD31. They didn't like it because I quit taking the abuse; this is when the hate really showed.

My DH even said to me; "you used to be so sweet and now you are a bitch". My reply; "you quit treating ME sweet and therefore, you made me the bitch, I became".

I've had enough after 36 years; I have been totally disengaged from my SD56 and SGD31 (mother/daughter) for the past 7 years and will not take a minute of direct verbal or mental abuse from my skids again. I'm sure I get enough verbal abuse behind my back now, but I quick caring a long time ago; that includes what DH says also.

I had a heart-to-heart talk with DH and it consisted of; "I'm finished with the abuse, don't care what anybody thinks any longer, and don't let the door hit you in the butt on your way out to live with SD, up the street." If you have read my previous posts, I booted DH to SD for a few weeks; that DH hated, not to mention SIL not wanting DH living with them. }:)

Don't let the mental and verbal abuse continue. Whatever it takes, you stop direct abuse! I feel bad for you, because I've been where you are now. I am being treated well by my DH now, but I still will never go back to SD, and DH is beginning to accept that fact. It's getting easier, so don't abuse yourself by putting up with it.

Keep the boat keys; I always keep extra keys for everything and I always will.

Disneyfan's picture

Why can't he throw the party on his own???? :?

Surely, he can handle making hot dogs or packing/ordering sandwiches. They can pick up snack and drinks while they are driving to the location.

TwirlMS's picture

The only thing DH can make is peanut butter sandwiches. We can't throw a party with peanut butter sandwiches. Blum 3

TwirlMS's picture

We have good intentions when we set it up, but the unexpected change of plans, stepkids wanting to do something different caused everything to get mixed up. We were not prepared for a boating day and did not have the boat launched or gassed up. We already bought tickets for everyone for the water park had a cabana all decorated by the pool.

I was totally blown away by this outcome. DH getting mad because he had spent an hour looking for the keys and I was upset because he had taken off suddenly with SD without first discussing a meeting place. I was left to guess where I would eventually see them show up. That place is very spread out, the water park, campground, marina, all very spread out.

TwirlMS's picture

I was upset because of the change of plans and the being left out of the conversation when they changed it. Deserted back at the waterpark wondering when they'd be back and where to meet.

TwirlMS's picture

I could only guess where the meeting spot would be and since DH was planning to launch the boat, I went to the place I knew that takes place. Unfortunately, he parked it a long ways up the hill, out of view and was fumbling with the spare keys and never came down. I finally took the shuttle back up and found him. What a last minute goofy take off when it finally did occur. DH told his kids in advance that we don't have the proper anchors for this large of a lake but do they listen and back off? They do not take no for an answer. DH relented and it all unraveled from there.

Not only was an extra hour wasted looking for keys and for people, but once we got out on the lake and the anchors didn't hold, we drifted into the trees, and the existing anchors got lodged under some tree stumps. We almost wrecked the boat. DH tells SD and me to raise the awning and she has no clue how to do that, and it ends up coming crashing down on top of my shoulder. Ouch, I now have a painful mark where the frame hit my shoulder. Let's just say, the Skid's got what they wanted. I got the shaft.

hatesteplife's picture

I would put as little effort as possible into organizing things for your skids since it blows up in your face. And why didn't the spare keys work in the boat? And why didn't DH call you to ask about the keys? And why would such a little thing cause an argument? Oy.

TwirlMS's picture

I totally agree about planning the minimum for them since they never say thank you. I should not have homemade any food, or decorated. We should have just ordered pizza and that's all.

The main key has a red float keyring attached to it, in case it falls in the water. All the dozens of spare keys all look similar and he would have to try each and every one to get the right one.
The problem is he took off with SD, who knows nothing about our boat, left me out of the conversation and ends up wasting everyone's time.

My phone wasn't with me because I was swimming, it was back at the camper, a shuttle bus away. I did walk it one way, since SD was riding in my car acting like the mini wife

. She enjoys causing trouble, and she hit the jackpot yesterday.

TexasPickles's picture

I can see how you got your feelings hurt. That sux.

But to be honest I would not trot after DH/SD if they ran off and left me behind. Especially if they needed me to start the boat. OMG. I would have been laughing my arse off, knowing that I am the key keeper, lol. I would have kept sent SS and his family to the marina and then parked myself in that nice cabana with a cocktail.

Sorry to say but skids got the best of you because you handed them a victory on a silver platter. I understand. I behaved the same way for 15 years. Read up on detachment. It saved my sanity. Stop doing your DH's parties for him. He doesn't care, even if he claims he does. Skids don't care...why should they? And stop chasing after DH and SD when they leave you behind. Stop that right now Missy! Smile

TwirlMS's picture

LOL. You're right. Let them come looking for me. hiding out in the cabana. I wonder if they would bother to look for me before sailing away? If I didn't have the keys they might have done just that :?

TwirlMS's picture

That's not the only time I was left behind that day. After boating it was decided to go up to the restaurant for dinner. I suddenly find myself all alone waiting and wondering at the campground. Did they go without me? Again? I decide to head up to the restaurant and I see a far away DH and SD walking together, probably one of her gossip sessions that I am not privy to.

sandye21's picture

Your DH was definitely NOT showing the skids that his marriage is a priority for him. He owes you an apology for leaving you in the dark, not once but twice, treating you like you were an outsider, especially in front of skids. That's a 'no-no'. I agree with other posters who said let HIM do all the planning for get-togethers with the skids.

TwirlMS's picture

He does owe me an apology, you are so right. This bad behavior is never ok where he throws his wife under the bus. And I don't think he was just being clueless because the next morning he was acting sheepish like he knew he had done wrong.

Whenever DH has acted like a good husband and put my feelings first before their wants, then SD tells DH that he is "pussywhipped". I think he goes overboard to prove her wrong .

TwirlMS's picture

When DH sees me walking up to the restaurant alone, he and SD start crossing the park in my direction.
DH made it clear that everyone is on their own for dinner, since we already provided lunch and waterpark tickets. SD bought herself a 6" sub and DH bought a 12" sub cut in half. I explain that DH and I always share a 12" sub because it's cheaper than buying two 6" ones. I just casually mention it, not trying to stir the pot.

With that simple fact it seams to dawn on Sd that DH and I are the couple and she is the single. She can't leave even that unchallenged. She takes her banana peppers out of her sandwich and gives them to DH, thereby implying she has the same intimacy with Dh that I do, I guess. Ick. Then DH actually sets a boundary with her. (Gasp) He tells her "I don't eat those anymore, now that I'm older they upset my stomach." I know she did that purposely because why would she order that on her sandwich if she didn't like them?

TwirlMS's picture

I don't know how old you are, but a 36 year old doesn't normally take the stuffing out of her sandwich with her fingers and put it in front if her father and expect him to eat that. Ish.

TwirlMS's picture

You don't think putting your sandwich stuffing on someone else's plate unwanted crosses a personal boundary? (Shrug). Sorry but I never did that with my dad at any age.
And yes I do think it was a result of my comment to her. I was just stating a fact. (No gloat intended)

TwirlMS's picture

LOL about the french kissing. If SD just got herself her own boyfriend the dynamics of our relationship would improve immensely.

sammigirl's picture

}:) You should have reached out and took the banana peppers out of her hand, said "Oh I love these", and slapped them on your plate/napkin and then threw them in the trash on the way out. My SD56 does all these little mini wife things in front of me also, therefore, I understand the game.

But I've learned to step up and give it right back to her; it shocks her and it brings it all to everyone's attention and makes SD look like an idiot. OSS58 even tells SD56 to knock it off; "you're acting stupid". That is the icing on the cake for me.

I think it's funny, when she starts this crap; because SIL hates it worse than I do.

Blum 3

TwirlMS's picture

Thank you for understanding.

DH rejected her sandwich contents because he felt uncomfortable with her attempt at overfamiliarity and he was embarrassed by her behavior. He just used the excuse of his stomach not tolerating them anymore to spare SD's feelings.

I know this to be true because he orders the most spicy sandwiches himself.

Disneyfan's picture

You are really reaching with the sandwich thing. My sister and I would have done the same with our dad and he's our stepdad.( he raised us-parents have been married for 43 years, so yeah he'said our dad)

The animosity between you and SD is so bad, that normal,innocent interactions are turned into something mean-spirited

TwirlMS's picture

DH had to set another boundary with her and her texting and phone calls recently.
Since DH took early retirement and we moved he no longer has a land line or company cell phone. She used to call him at the office all the time. Since I have a cell phone and he doesn't anymore, she has started to text my phone to start conversations with DH.

One morning early (before 9 am) she texts "hi DH, how is your house building coming along? What is your new address?" (And she calls him by his first name)
I text her back that DH is in the shower. He never sees the text because we are in a hurry to get ready for an event we are attending that day. We leave for the event with the phone staying behind in the car getting charged. She texts again asking the same message a few hours later and then calls and leaves a voicemail asking the same thing. We are outside at this event all day and her texts and phone calls never get answered. I think she left him a scathing email the following day asking why he never responded because he mentions to me that he told her not to text my phone anymore. She abused that by calling at rude hours with questions that are not her business.

TwirlMS's picture

Maybe you should google Emily Post on both if those subjects, eating off of other peoples plates and calling past bedtime or before 9 am and see what she considers rude. Goodnight.

Monchichi's picture

You live your life based on a 1922 book, written by a woman still unable to vote let alone be allowed to think beyond the home she was required to make for her family?

Emily Post was an American author famous for writing about etiquette. Wikipedia
Born: Baltimore, Maryland, United States
Died: September 25, 1960, New York City, New York, United States

While I don't agree with certain things, such as calls before 7am or after 9pm, you're taking it a touch too far quoting a deceased 1920's writer of etiquette.

TwirlMS's picture

Is Peggy Post outdated too? She's the successor .
This is from The Classy Woman blog, dated August 2, 2010: "Never move food onto someone else's plate or take food from their plate"

Salems Lot's picture

I guess you would have to call me the same thing. SO and I share off each plates as well when we are out.

Salems Lot's picture

What's the proper protocol if your nose starts dripping when your food is too spicy? Do you let it drip or do you grab a tissue and take care of business? Sometimes you just don't have the time to run to the rest room...

Salems Lot's picture

Thank You for your advice. I will try to remember that the next time SO decides it's okay to be seen with me in public and take me out to dinner.

robin333's picture

Hey, I'm a graduate of the white trash finishing school. It's where I learned my pole dancing skills, pageant hand wave and many other important life skills!

TwirlMS's picture

I have zero tolerance for cyber bullies. You are not welcome to post on any of my threads Fruitsalad. This is a troll free zone.

I was going to ignore your hijacking my thread but now that you're back on it I insist that you leave.

TwirlMS's picture

Bullies is the plural of bully. Are you joining their ranks? Now I remember why I rarely post on this MB.

Maybe someday I will look back at this weekend and laugh, but right now on top of their other behavior I take it at face value, and their whole day here was incident after incident of in-your-face defiant behavior. And we were the ones hosting the party, though it was the steps idea to come. They basically invited themselves here. I was forced into planning a party by DH, since it was one of the stepgrandkids birthday.

Their parents should have hosted the party at their house, but they always expect us to.

WalkOnBy's picture

Twirl -

When people disagree with you, they are not bullies. they are simply folks with a different perspective.

THAT is what Echo is talking about.

No one here is bullying you. Many here disagree with you and that is OK.....we don't all have to agree.

Carry on.

WalkOnBy's picture

I wasn't "interpreting" for Echo, as she is more than capable of speaking for herself, StepAside.

Was simply trying to see if OP could understand it better from someone who she wasn't antagonistic with...

I saw some mocking, but not from Echo, nor from the others that OP accused of being bullies.

You feel free to continue to carry on.

TwirlMS's picture

Bullies is the plural of bully. Are you joining their ranks? Now I remember why I rarely post on this MB.

Maybe someday I will look back at this weekend and laugh, but right now on top of their other behavior I take it at face value, and their whole day here was incident after incident of in-your-face defiant behavior. And we were the ones hosting the party, though it was the steps idea to come. They basically invited themselves here. I was forced into planning a party by DH, since it was one of the stepgrandkids birthday.

Their parents should have hosted the party at their house, but they always expect us to.

TwirlMS's picture

"If you don't want random people who wouldn't know you if they ran you over commenting on your life, don't post it publicly." Echo

That's like saying leave your car in your garage because people might hit it in the public parking lot.

Pokeyketchum's picture

Step Aside is correct. The banana peppers in the OP's context were a micro aggression. Micro aggressions are very pointed and cunning. They are clever because they are covert, instead of overt. People will defend the aggressor by saying things such as "they are just banana peppers" but the victim and aggressor know exactly what is happening. So the victim is not only injured in the original transgression but by the ridicule of being overly "sensitive."

Disneyfan's picture

I've been on the phone yakking with my mom at 6:00am each morning since school ended last week. She gets up every morning at 5. :jawdrop:

notarelative's picture

I don't quite get why asking what is your "new address" is none of her business. I don't see it as unreasonable for a child to know where a parent lives and a parent to know where a child lives.

"how is your house building coming along" seems like a reasonable question if you are building a house. To me, it's the type of question normally asked. It's a status question. It's not an intrusive how much are you paying for question. Wondering how soon someone might be moving into their new home is a pretty standard wonder. People asked me when we were moving when we bought a new house. I talked to my friend about the completion of her home when they were building.

DH may no longer have a land line or a company paid cell phone, but there is no reason why he should be only using your phone to communicate. He needs to get his own cell phone. Yes, she should not be calling your cell phone. But, if they had regular conversations before he retired there should be some way for her to reach him.

TwirlMS's picture

The house is under construction, we don't live there and are a year away from that being our address. Sd has a history of snooping around and taking her friends to our home without being invited. It's called trespassing.

TwirlMS's picture

That's right, no emergency. It was on Memorial Day and I am certain that she fully intended to drive herself over there to snoop, possibly bringing BM's relatives too. She's done that secretly in the past when we weren't home where we used to live.

TwirlMS's picture

I wanted to show the difference between what's normal and polite (example party with my kids) and what is bad/rude behavior (his kids).

I would update that rule to add "WITHOUT PERMISSION"

Table manners is what separates us from the animals Smile

ESMOD's picture

FFS, "table manners"? You guys were eating subs. I am sure in the past, your DH loved those peppers and his daughter knew that. She didn't know his ability to eat them had changed. Were you worried the QUEEN was going to see her share these peppers with him and ban you from the castle?

You are reading into every little nuance of life whether it is relevant or not. You are equating sharing a sub as intimacy and her lonely 6 inch is a banner proclaiming her singleness. The sharing of peppers was only to show off in some way? You are making yourself sick.

You are angry they chose to boat ride instead of do what you wanted to do. Obviously, your DH wanted to boat ride as well.

You need to step back from his family since the very breath that they take is obviously done to annoy you.

Your DH needs his own Cell phone. Let him deal with his kids. Let him plan activities for his family. Bad Planner? Oh well, his problem, not yours.

sandye21's picture

I agree with Heaven. The sub sandwiches were a stretch, but you were in bad place because your DH and the skids treated you as if you were unworthy of being part of their group. Your DH acted sheepish the next day because he knew he had thrown you under the bus. He accomplished what he wanted - he was a hero to the skids at your emotional expense. Originally, I had said he owed you an apology - and I still think he does, but he also needs to start showing the skids that his marriage is his top priority. There should be no calls after 10 pm or before 8 am unless it is an emergency.

My DH used to throw me under the bus and put me down in front of his family. I started letting him have right back in front of them. If they thought he was pussy whipped, too bad. It only took a couple of times and he stopped. If it were me, I would let DH arrange for all outings with the skids. I would also tell him that you expect him to treat you with respect around the skids or he can go on these events alone.

sandye21's picture

I agree with 3kids - why the 'shark frenzie' to bring the OP down? On second thought,the sub thing could have been on purpose or not. But that was minor compared to real issue where the focus should be and that is DH is trying to look like a big man to the skids by throwing the OP under the bus - twice. Many of us have gone through this too and can relate to it. The trick is to stop him in the act and expose him to the skids.

TwirlMS's picture

Thank you 3kids & Sandye. I appreciate you turning this website back to what it was intended. A network of stepparents supporting and advising each other.

sandye21's picture

When these insulting posts come up I've started to flag them as offensive. I hope more of the members of this site do this so that the administrators of this site will look into it.

LONGTIME SM's picture

Great post. I also am tired of the high school mean girl attitude some people on her exhibit! There is just no need for it.

Salems Lot's picture

I must apologize if anything I posted on this thread was considered insulting or bullying. That wasn't my intention.

In fact, I was making fun of my self and the way I was raised!

You see, I am from a family of 9 children. I was raised on a rock, in a bush on a hill in the great white north(Literally).
We all shared food. If there was something on my plate that I didn't like, chances are there was some one close by to pick it up and eat it themselves. If someone else didn't like what they had but I did, I would eat it. That's just the was it was.
Waste not want not was what we were taught! We were not barbarians and this life doesn't make us inferior!

What I do find insulting, is when people look down upon me and other's like myself because they think their upbringing is superior and everyone else should follow their "book of etiquette".
Not everyone is cut from the same cloth.

Get over it!

Salems Lot's picture

When OP made the comment about her SD placing hot peppers on her father's plate, her comment of "Table manners is what separates us from the animals", when she told another poster to google Emily Post and her other comments about sharing food and proper etiquette, she herself caused her original post to migrate to the topic of putting someone down for how they eat.

As for the old fashioned jab...Hey I'm old fashioned. I'm not 26 and I don't pretend to be.

ESMOD's picture

OP actually was a little bit condescending with her Emily Post talk too. I think that's probably what started things in the downward spiral.

To be fair, I think the Twirl had a legit beef that her DH (who won't have a cell phone and makes her do all the heavy lifting) made her set up activities for his family and then was all "whatevs" and changing them up at the last minute. OP seems to not like last minute changes and if her DH knew her better/cared he wouldn't have done that. The whole sub incident on the other hand was IMO blown out of proportion in her interpretation.

She needs to step back a bit and let DH do the communication with his kids. I would tell him he needs a cell of his own. Hers is no longer open for his family business!

TwirlMS's picture

I welcome different opinions or I wouldn't be posting at all. I use this site as a sounding board. It is serious to me. If someone wants to take it off into their own comedy act and hijack my thread for their own entertainment so the meaningful responses get buried in the trash, it's very disrespectful and counter-productive.

If you don't know the difference between a meaningful response and a stupid one-liner taunt then I don't know what else I can say to you.

Admin's picture

Echo, you're wrong. Our tag line may focus on venting, because it's a very healthy way of dealing with ones issues, but ST is primarily a support site. Read our about page, and while you're at it you may want to read our terms of use page again as well (especially item #11).

Admin's picture

Since none of US set this board up, none of US has any idea what was "intended", but the banner says "vent", not "support". - Echo

That's pretty clear to me. So I'm clarifying so that it's perfectly clear what this site's purpose is, and what we expect from our users. This is a support site, where contributors should expect constructive feedback, whether they agree with it or not, as long as that feedback isn't in the form of an attack on the OP or otherwise violates our terms.

Stop making my job so difficult and time consuming, please.

-Admin

TwirlMS's picture

Parties take planning and the waterpark is what is in this campground, as well as the marina. DH already told his kids on the phone prior to them coming that we can't go boating because we don't have a dock built yet where our new property is and this lake at the campground isn't good for fishing and we don't have the proper anchors for this lake. After they got here and swam for awhile at the waterpark, they behind my back, coax DH into taking them out on the boat. They took their fishing poles along and bought their fishing licenses the day before, obviously not caring about what we had already told them.

DH doesn't have his own cell phone at his own choice. He's not into long chats on the phone like SD is. After being retired he is enjoying the fact that is is no longer available 24/7 for intrusions from outside of our household. SD can e-mail him, she does it all the time.

LONGTIME SM's picture

Regarding your first comment sue - yes they should have been happy with the activity the host invited them to attend or they alternatively should not have come. As an invitee one normally does not have the right to tell their host that the party they planned is not to their liking and that they want a different type of party. In the future I feel the OP should not plan any portion of any get together with her husbands adult children. Let them all figure it out when they get there since his adult children refuse to show her the courtesy one would show any other person that was hosting them in their home or travel trailer.

catsmom01's picture

Well, you learned a valuable lesson. Don't waste any time or energy ever planning anything involving SD. As far as the food issue...yeah...I can really see your point if there is a history of mini-wifery. But sometimes this kind of thing is normal. If my son doesn't eat something, he'll say, "Do you want my ____" but he'd never just pick something up of his and put it on my plate. Or if I don't want my pickle that comes with a sandwich I'll ask him if he wants it...I don't know. It all depends. And yes, I'll steal some fries from him!!! But it is weird she requested it to be put on the sub, and then makes an issue out of it. Can't believe it caused such a heated debate on here. Oh, wait...yeah, I can believe it.

TwirlMS's picture

Thank you Catmom! Yes, SD was acting like the mini-wife all day long. Doing things she shouldn't be doing, saying things she shouldn't be saying.

I haven't even finished telling the next saga before the thread went haywire.

twoviewpoints's picture

I'm not going to touch the pepper debate. I will add though that peppers would have never got around to their appearance. Reardon which plate.

By the time OP finally caught up to her husband, I'd have taken both halves of the sub an smashed them over DH's head.

OP, your husband was an unappreciative jerk towards you all day.

Thumper's picture

I cant stop laughing this thread had a LIFE of its own. Good LORD.

Twirl, you have 2 options.

1. Continue what YOU do and not be happy.
or
2. Come to the parties/events with zero expectations, a good book and a bottle of wine and cloth napkins for the peppers Wink

Realize this is time for dh to rekindle his relationship with his kids...that's a good thing and realize it is your time to sit back, let DH plan everything. That is what I would do.

TwirlMS's picture

I throw some barn burner parties, it's what I do! It's called a 'Set it all up and then get dumped on party'. (In real life, and in cyberspace). Sorry you missed it. Dirol