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Relationship Thoughts

New_to_this's picture

I can't see myself staying with DH for the long haul. I've spent this entire relationship arguing with him over BM and the skids. And after disengaging, I still have to watch the stupidity around me. I still have to deal with the things that are dropped into my lap even if I've stopped helping DH with the skids because they are still in my house.

I've spent so much mental energy on BM and skid nonsense and just waiting for them to grow up. But, dealing with that has prevented me from dealing with plain old marriage issues with DH. Like... I feel like a maid. It feels way worse when the skids are around, but I feel just as much as a maid when they are not.

Also, I like to go out. I stopped traveling frequently when I met DH. And, I don't like video games. I told DH this when we first met and he told me he used to play but doesn't anymore. But, since having my two children with him he's both immersed himself in video games and can play hours a day with my son (or he plays while my son watches him play). That's his bonding time with him.

Or he sits them in front of the tv while he plays on his phone, while I cook and clean. He doesn't hear them argue or cry or yell because he just tunes them out, so I end up leaving the kitchen to settle whatever is going on while he's sitting on the couch staring at his damn phone.

I feel alone too. Part of it is due to COVID, but he is supposed to be the person I can talk to and we don't have real talks. I don't think he gets me and I don't get him. We are together for our kids. But I'm not ready to end this relationship. But it's not because of him, it's because raising two little kids by myself would be rough and even though he sticks them in front of screens, he's still providing me relief.

I've tried addressing all these issues with him but it doesn't change. And, it's always BM and skid issues we argue about instead.


notsurehowtodeal's picture

Why are you doing all the cooking and cleaning? He needs to do his share.

Have you considered marital counseling? Would he go? Even if he won't go, consider some therapy for yourself. You might be able to get some clarification on what you really want and how much you are willing to put up with and still find some happiness.

thinkthrice's picture

Bait and switch.


Winterglow's picture

"it's because raising two little kids by myself would be rough and even though he sticks them in front of screens, he's still providing me relief."

If that's the only reason you're still there then maybe you should reflect on what visitation would look like ... More and more places are making 50-50 a priority. Maybe check out the trend for your state? There's no reason for you to raise them alone when you're only 50% of their parents. Imagine never having to deal with is kids again. Imagine him having to take care of his kids AND your (together) kids. He'd have to do all the cleaning, laundry, cooking, homework... all on his time. Think of the peace in your home. Youi'd only have to worry aboiut your children and yourself. Doesn't that sound appealing?

New_to_this's picture

Sorry, I failed to mention another key reason is that I don't feel safe with my kids not under my supervision with SS around. So I'm reluctant to leave for other reasons as well. As I type this, DH is unloading dishes. Maybe he's getting the vibe that I no longer have the feelings for him that I used to.

Rumplestiltskin's picture

I know what you mean about BM and the skids taking up so much space in the relationship. You wake up one day and realize that you don't really have much else in common. The relationship doesn't stand on its own anymore. Maybe it never did. It sounds like you have kids with your DH. In that case, it may be worth it to try and improve things. My situation is not like yours but my New Year's resolution is to take control of my life and stop feeling like a victim. My default answer is "no" to anything not necessary to take care of my life and my kids. I do nothing else that i don't choose to happily do. It's good that your DH is unloading the dishes. That's a good start. Next, maybe he can do some laundry while you read a book. Good luck!

CLove's picture

I know its tough being a parent and its tough being a single parent on your own, but this is no way to live your life. I have at times wondered why I stay, because DH and I are so different. But it works for us and we have common goals and hes not into video games. We have enough in common that I can see myself happy with him. But I love to travel, and he wants to travel.

You are modeling a relationship for your children. Dont be the "I dont want that for myself" mother. I would recomend some therapy, or maybe just some time alone without a bunch of drama around you. He can take over the household and children. If you even went for long walks by yourself, he would HAVE to step up to the parental plate.

Dont get so numb and tired that you lose yourself.

New_to_this's picture

Thanks for all the advice. I really do need to make time for myself and for therapy. I'm actually the only one in this house (aside from my 2 and 5 year old) that is not in therapy.

I had a long talk with DH this morning and laid out a lot of the issues I had with him. I feel a bit better to have gotten things off my chest.

He knows that I'm annoyed with the video games, so we are going to set up a timer so there is a maximum time that DS plays with him.

He knows that I find his behavior at times are like that of a 10 year old and I shouldn't have to talk to him like I'm talking to a kid, so he needs to be better. He agreed and said he was glad for the times that I pointed out these behaviors and he doesn't like them and he'll work on them. I asked him if he had any criticisms for me, but as in the past, he just says that I'm really self-aware and catch myself, so he doesn't.

He knows I feel like I'm doing all the housework. We are going to document everything we do and everything that needs to get done in the house and rearrange tasks so it is more equitable.

We are going to get the little kids to bed on time every night, so that we have energy and time to talk to each other.

He knows I'm skeptical about how he's going to make it happen so that (1) we move, (2) SS lives full-time with his mother for his senior year and doesn't get dropped off with us, and (3) how he's going to launch at 18 without our ongoing support. So, DH wrote down a plan and part of it includes him telling SS that he will not be living with us after high school and we will not be providing college support (we will still cover health insurance and medical) so that SS can plan for his future (instead of doing the normal DH plan, which includes avoiding hard conversations with SS and BM until last minute.) DH will make SS get a job once Covid is no longer a risk. (SS will be 17 at that point. DH, SD, and I all had first jobs at 14 and 15). DH will offer financial advice only to SS about attending community college and loan information if he's inclined to go to school rather than work. And, again, DH will be completely upfront to SS early on about the fact that there will be no monetary support from us for college.

And, we talked about another thing that weighs on me. I want to move closer to my family, but I don't want to "trick" DH into moving away from his kids only to divorce him soon after and make him stuck in a new town because he now has to stay for custody of our children. This is what BM did to him - she took a temporary job in a new city 800 miles away, had an affair, told him she wanted to work on the marriage, so he moved himself and the kids to her, then within a month or two, she filed for divorce. I'm really trying to make my marriage work, but I felt like I needed to tell him that us moving wasn't going to magically solve all our past issues. He took it well and made a joke about it rather than get defensive. I hope my being honest doesn't screw me.

This is not an easy relationship for me even without the step kids, but I'm glad he's trying to make changes and I'm going to work on myself too, so I'm prepared for whatever happens.