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Being held hostage

New_to_this's picture

That’s how DH described our situation. We are being held hostage by SS15, an emotionally manipulative, mentally troubled teen.

This is the fault of DH and his ex. SS has been emotionally manipulative since I met him when he was 8 years old. A part of it is genetic and an early learned behavior by SS, but DH and his ex could have parented him differently. They could’ve given real consequences for his actions. They could’ve been honest with him about how his behavior affects himself and everyone around him.

It’s easy for me to point my finger at them. To tell DH that he should’ve listened to all the things I’ve been saying over the years. To say that his ex has mentally issues and is emotionally manipulative, so even though there is no biological relation (SS is adopted), SS has picked up behaviors from her. But, I checked out a while ago and I don’t know if better parenting would have changed what SS is turning into.

We are now in a situation where SS troubles are getting worse. Within a month, he has stolen his mother’s credit card, purchased items and had them sent to a friend’s house (close to our house) to hide the purchases. We found out because he had the package sent to the wrong address (a cop’s house – yes, he’s an idiot). He’s vaped in class (yes, he’s an idiot) and got suspended, he’s thrown physical temper tantrums, and he’s destroyed property at his mother’s rented house. He’s been at his mother’s house while doing all these things, so she has been asking DH to take him every day. DH was holding fort, saying no because we had SS for 3 months straight and it was her responsibility to take him for this one month. (I needed the break. She dumped him on us for 3 months straight starting the same week I was due to give birth.)

He also says that he wants to kill himself whenever he gets in trouble. That’s the problem. He went to a mental institution for a week after saying he wanted to kill himself before. At that time he lived with us full-time and he was getting in all sorts of trouble. He wanted to get out of punishments at our house. It worked. He got to live with his mother full-time (she did not want this) and we got a dismissed CPS allegation, so we tiptoed around him afterwards. Then, he realized living with her wasn’t great, so he decided he wanted to live with us too. So, he got that. He knows that a stay at a mental institution will get him out of his life for a brief period of time until things cool down. And, it also gets him what he wants.

So, this time around it’s the same thing. He has been asking to stay with us to get away from trouble with his mother. DH has been saying no, so now SS says “I want to go to the hospital because I don’t feel safe with myself. The only way I won’t go to the hospital is if I get to go to dad’s house.”

The last mental institution stay resulted in DH’s ex owing us money for years because we paid the entire bill upfront and she is awful with money. And, our insurance is worse now, so we are looking at upward of $7k for a one week stay this time around if the institution is out-of-network.

So, DH and I gave in. He is now with us. I don’t want to spend thousands of dollars so that SS can eat pulled pork sandwiches and red velvet cake (this was the only thing he mentioned about his last stay at the hospital). I don’t believe he is a threat to himself in that way.

I told DH that I couldn’t do this anymore. The fact that he could lose me and our two little kids have been giving him anxiety attacks. I told DH that there are a few cheap therapeutic boarding schools out around Texas, but I’m not willing to take a second mortgage on our house to send him to an expensive one and I can’t live with him.

DH has been fighting me our whole relationship. He used to tell me that SS was a good kid, that SS would mature soon, that things could get better. I’ve been telling DH that SS hasn’t hit his teenage years yet – it was only going to get worse. DH is finally seeing things clearly…or he truly believes that I will leave him so he’s telling me what I need to hear to not walk out.

I feel bad. I try to put myself in DH’s shoes. No one wants to think negatively or give up on their kids. But, DH has two little kids to think about even if he loses me over this. And, its been eating at DH. He loves SS, but doesn’t like him. He’s admitted to me that at times he wishes he never adopted SS. He’s a wreck.

SS on the other hand is acting chill and normal at our house –no indication that he’s depressed at all. It’s upsetting and infuriating.

Comments

fourbrats's picture

with kids vaping IN CLASS? We have a new student at the school I work at who did the same thing in her previous school. The difference being that she is 12. WTH? I will admit to smoking in high school but never in class. We went out to the back field like normal teens. 

Does his district have a behavioral schooling option? Or alternative options? 

I will add that none of the stuff at school is out of the norm for the current times. My two teens still at home attend one of the best schools in the area. In a smallish town. Just this morning DD15 sent me a text that there was a brawl right before first period. The lead of the school play got cut two months ago for vaping. Last year DD17 walked in on two kids having sex in the bathroom. And our area is a good, typical suburban area. They attend a school where the average home is around half a million dollars. Their school has every amenity you can think of. And yet there are still problems because anytime you stick 2000 students who have been raised in a world where everything offends them and they can be assholes to everyone there will be problems. 

New_to_this's picture

Yeah, he's an idiot. Really...who vapes in class?! And I totally get that it's a normal thing for teens to experiment. I smoked and drank in middle school, so vaping in high school isn't a big deal. DH never did any of that stuff. SS is just too dumb and gets caught, then he can't deal with the consequences. SS thinking that he should be allowed to do anything he wants and emotionally manipulate are the biggest problems.

StepUltimate's picture

... to my Jr. High classmate who would light his secret doob in class, then shut it in a book. 

Idiocy = timeless Biggrin

shamds's picture

“And yet there are still problems because anytime you stick 2000 students who have been raised in a world where everything offends them and they can be assholes to everyone there will be problems.”

 

fourbrats's picture

not so cynical but even at the tiny school I work at our middle schoolers are becoming awful human beings. They are disrespectful, lazy,and entitled. My own kids know that if at any point they tell me they need a safe space or start in with everything offending them that I will lose my shit. 

marblefawn's picture

So no one really wants the kid -- that's got to suck for him.

Yes, boarding school. Give the kid a chance to make an identity outside of people who are done investing in him. Maybe the experience will be good for him and everyone will like the results of letting him sink or swim in a new environment. Maybe he needs a fresh start without so much baggage to lug around.

And since none of you want him, you should all be on the same page with this option, so everyone can do what's necessary to support it. Maybe you pay tuition, but BM drives him there and back and he stays with her over breaks?

I know it's expensive, but with boarding school, you get all the things he will/might need: housing, food, a babysitter, education, sports and activities, counseling, someone else to deal with his suicide threats and discipline problems...everything is included in that high price to send him there.

Harry's picture

It up to your DH and BM to do something with this kid.  One thing he can not do is make you take care of him. If DH wants to feed his DS pulled pork and red velvet cake, DH has to find a way to make more money.  If a mental institution did not help SS,  I don’t think anything is going to help him. Just medication. 

Time to have a real talk with DH.  Tell him this is has to stop. You are not totally disengage from SS.  He can do what ever he wants. Abut you are no longer going to be a part of this.

tog redux's picture

I'm surprised the hospital admitted him, and I'd be surprised if they admitted him again - and can he be taken to an in-network hospital if he has to go? Around here, there is only one children's inpatient unit, so insurance would have to pay even if it's out of network (though this is a blue state with a lot of laws around insurance companies screwing people).  Usually hospitals are pretty savvy about kids manipulating them into getting admitted. 

Were charges pressed for him stealing his mother's credit card?  Are there other services available for troubled teens?

New_to_this's picture

So, it’s all back to the way it was. Like nothing ever happened. This is what happens every time. SS does crappy things, gets in trouble, can’t take the consequences of his action, DH and BM won’t let him see the real consequences (ie. they don’t call the police, they don't explain his behavior to him because he's too sensitive to take it, they make excuses for his behavior), SS feigns suicidal threat when grounded, DH and BM take his threats seriously and back down and give him whatever he wants, then DH and BM are just glad that he’s not talking about suicide, and SS is completely back to “normal”, like a light switch.

DH is having anxiety attacks now every time he gets a text from SS or BM. Neither SS or BM can do things themselves or deal with their own problems.

Bex_S's picture

God that sounds like an awful situation, I really feel for you. Clearly DH isn't going to change, and nor is his son, either by himself or through parental influence. I think a hard decision must be made on your part; do you really want your little ones growing up around all this? I think it's come to the point where you need to think of yourself and your children and get out of there.