Ready to give up
Hello everyone. I’m new to this but I desperately need someone to talk to who might understand what I’m going through. My step daughter is 9 years old and I hate to say it but she is an absolute monster. For the past 5 years I have been trying to give her the benefit of the doubt but nothing has gotten better. She is extremely rude, constantly makes racist remarks and has an awful smart mouth. In the beginning I thought maybe it’s just me feeling intimidated by the whole step parenting thing, so I have been patient and understanding but she keeps getting worse. She throws calculated tantrums and is highly manipulative. We thought that maybe she adhd or some kind of Mental disorder. But for the past 3 years we have been taking her to counselors and doctors who specialize in children behavior and as soon as her get there it’s like she is a different person completely. She will listen well and behave and do what is asked of her in front of doctors and other family members but as soon as it’s just us it’s like a switch turn off or on or something. Another bad thing about this is that when she’s around people of color she acts horrible and says hateful things. Now she is a very smart girl and she knows what she is doing and what she is saying. Her teacher this year was a black woman and she has given her such a hard time in class but when she goes to see her Tutor during the day at school (white male) she is a perfect angel. I didn’t want to think anything about it at the time but last month she had a falling out with her best friend (a mixed girl) now she has been her friend since preschool when no one else would talk to her or come to her birthday party she was always there for her but recently she has started befriending some new kids at school and when her best friend wanted to play with her she told her “I don’t talk to strange black people” she was devestaed and we were called to the principals office and the girls mother has told the school she does not want her around her daughter anymore. I went home and cried for hours because of what a good friend she has been to my step daughter and i couldn’t believe she told her that. Then there was an incident at the Mexican restaurant in our town that we always go to. She loves it there so we went there to have dinner and she told my husbands mother, her nana, she doesn’t like the workers because they don’t speak the right language. As a person of color myself I’m starting to feel extremely uncomfortable and embarrassed. She made a scene when her father, nana and paw paw got on to her and I could’ve burst into tears. Now me and my husband have a daughter together who will be 4 in a couple of weeks and of course when we got married and decided to have our first child together we always made sure she still knew how very important she is and will always be. We have made raising them together to be as fair as possible. But because of how she acts me and my husband including her nana and paw paw go the extra mile to make sure she still feels special. But it’s starting to get out of hand. She acts demanding and entitled and she is starting to become violent. But we are unsure what to do at this point. We’ve tried all of kinds of form of discipline even not disciplining at all sometimes. We do the rewards system and everything else you can possibly imagine but she gets worse by the day. She told my husband one day that when she gets older she is going to kill him. He doesn’t think anything of it and his parents don’t, but with my 3 year old and another one coming in August I can’t help but to be worried. And lately she tells my husband and his parents she wish things could go back to how they were before I got here. And I honestly can’t understand where I’ve went wrong. I’m not comfortable punishing her or disciplining her myself so I leave that completely to my husband and his parents. I do whatever she asks me to and I am very patient with her and I’m careful not to show my frustration with her so I’m not sure why she is starting to say those things but I’m starting think I should leave my husband and give her her old life back. The last thing I want is to make anyone feel bad or uncomfortable but if it takes me saying goodbye forever to the love of my life so the insanity can stop I’m starting to consider it everyday. I’m at my wits end and I’m unsure of how to go about the situation anymore. I cry everyday thinking it’s something I’ve done to make all of this happen and I don’t want to make anyone feel bad or uncomfortable especially a child. I keep my thoughts to myself all the time because I think maybe I’m looking at everything irrationally and maybe I need to be more patient but I swear on my life it gets worse by the hour. I feel like i should have never met my husband because he’s been through so much already before we even met he doesn’t deserve to keep going through this. I’m thinking maybe I should take my daughter and leave everyone to see if that will help everyone find some kind of peace out of all of this... Is it me?
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So who is teaching her all of
So who is teaching her all of this racist stuff?
I can’t help but wonder if
I can’t help but wonder if she’s getting it from school. My husbands parents believe it might be her other grandma. She told them she gets it from her birth mom but she hasn’t come to see her in nearly 4 years.
Where is the BM?
If the BM is still in her life, I would bet that all this racist crap is coming from her. if the BM is the cause of the racial remarks, it is only going to get worse, this needs to be addressed by your DH now, not later, but months ago. I am a mean old bitch, I would get in my DH's face and point blank tell him that nobody likes a rude racist. If she continued acting this way eventually she would have no friends or the only friends would be trash.
I agree with one of the other posters, do not be alone with this monster, or let your babies be around her. If your DH and his family have an issue with you not wanting her around your littles, then tell them that they need to deal with this racist brat.
Her birth mom hasn’t come to
Her birth mom hasn’t come to see her in nearly 4 years thankfully. From everything I’ve heard about her she is a monster. Her own mother tried to talk my husband out of marrying her when they were younger. She cheated on him with his childhood doctor and left with him. I’ve been told she has prescription pill addiction.
Hunny who is teaching tis
Hunny who is teaching tis child these racisist things?!?!?!? She has got to be learning it from somewhere. Don't be so hard on yourself. You have done NOTHING wrong! Obviously your SD is learning this some place and maybe you should step in and show her that she cannot say those things or treat someone of a different race differently.
We have tried so many
We have tried so many different approaches I’m wondering if it’s just impossible to get through to her at this point. We’ve tried being more strict with discipline because maybe we’ve been to easy on her and that had zero effect. We tried rewards for good behavior and just small things to let her know she’s on the right track but that never lasts for long. Eventually she starts demanding things when we try it that way. We’ve let outside family members who she is close with try to talk to her. We thought maybe if she heard it from someone else it might sink in a little and it does for about 10 minutes. We’re currently trying out counseling and that’s proving to be a busy as well. It’s gotten to the point where we are just completely stumped. I’m not sure what else we can try at this point
1) you and DH need to set
1) you and DH need to set some serious boundaries and absolutely stick to them with her.
2) she needs a therapist badly. I assume dad can speak with the therapist about his concerns with her and maybe you can as well, as you are the mother in her life.
3) as someone else said, do NOT leave her alone with your children or yourself. From what you’ve said she sounds manipulative and unstable. Who knows what she’s capable of. However, my son says some fucked up things when he’s angry (kids have no emotional control whatsoever) and he’s 8 (but he’s also not being manipulative and crazy on a regular basis).
4) request that SD has childcare in place and that DH or grandparents are always home with you.
Wow you are in a tough spot..
Wow you are in a tough spot.... her BM has not seen her in 4 years... I’m sure your SD is some serious abondomment issues.
as far as the racist comments... she is learning them from somewhere and that is not okay. But she has also learned that by saying them she gets a big reaction. It could be that it has become attention seeking behavior. Don’t engage with it anymore. Calmly send her to her room or time out. Don’t yell, argue, or lecture. Keep communication with her when she does this calm and minimal.
As far as her other outbursts and then acting sweet at the therapists office... try recording her tantrums and outbursts. Then the therapists has a better picture of her behaverial issues.
i understand your frustration and anger with the situation that she is creating. But she is a kid who suffering from some serious psychological isuues. It is still okay to set boundries and your DH needs to back you with boundaries you set to protect your other children.
good luck.
None of this is your fault,
None of this is your fault, please stop blaming yourself & putting all the responsibility on your shoulders or thinking this little girl wouldn't behave this way if you weren't in the picture. She's getting these ideas from somewhere, and that influence would exist regardless of whether you're in the picture or not.
This kid needs therapy, and your DH needs to get his head out of the sand on this issue. Death threats aren't cute, and they should always be taken seriously. Her racist BS needs to be addressed professionally, there is something seriously wrong with this kid & her behaviour isn't ok.
I would disengage entirely from her, and do not ever leave your children unattended around her. I wouldn't trust her at all. Hopefully once you pull back & put the entire weight of responsibility on your DH's shoulders - where it should be - he'll start to feel the pressure & get her the help she needs.
I need help despertly
I have a teenage boy and i cant make head way and its been 3 yrs. I suffer from a mental illness that can make me anngry. he uses this as a excuse not to tell me things. I am at my wits end and my relationship is suffering. What do i do!!!!!!
Racism is learned behaviour,
Racism is learned behaviour, she must be getting it from somewhere, be it BM or another kid at school. Or maybe, since she's made it so obvious that she doesn't like you, maybe she's doing the typical child thing and dealing in absolutes. You're a lady of colour, she doesn't like you, so she's decided she doesn't like anybody of colour. I dunno, maybe I'm giving her too much credit in the intelligence department. From what you've said, she's obviously very well versed in manipulation and putting on a facade for others to gain her own ends. That is classic sociopathic/psychopathic behaviour (it presents in both); coupled with her clear complete disregard for people's feelings, there's clearly something wrong in that head of hers. Maybe you can take her back to the doctors, or speak to a doctor about her, including the facade and switch in behaviour she exhibits when she knows she's being analysed. Regarding leaving DH to give her life back to her, that would be a bad move. That would be giving her exactly what she wants, and rewarding her manipulative, devious tactics to get rid of you. If she wants her father all to herself, even if that means he is eternally lonely and miserable, then she is the problem; she needs to learn that you are here to stay, and she needs to deal with it. She's not in charge. She is the CHILD and you are the ADULT, and she needs to be shown that. Good luck.