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Im just about to give up...

nana09's picture

Part of me wants to just give up already and leave, but part of me cant. 

After several arguments and fights about his lying, self centered, ungrateful, disrespectful, lazy little brats, 2 weeks ago my DH and I had what I thought was "the conversation" where we both finally vented out how we felt towards this whole parenting situation with his kid. I thought we had finally agreed to him being firm to his kids when necessary, giving them consequences when necessary and start being a parent first rather than trying to be a friend first or a "Disney Dad" like some of you like to call it. 

Well, it went down again! All because I asked him to start being more firm with his children when needed. I told him how the nice talk he ALWAYS gives them when they have done something wrong is NOT working and HAS not been working. He flipped! Saying how his kids are not bad kids, that they have their reasons to act that way. Than he tries to flip it on me how my bio kids have flaws too, that my kids have it easy because they have me 24/7 even though their dad sees them 4 times a month so its not like my kids need him, all while DH poor kids probably just want mom and dad together, they have it hard going back and forth between mom and dad so why should he change his ways with them and  I should cut them some slack too.

 

Im soooo close to throwing the towel!!!

 

Comments

MurphysLaw's picture

You may as well.…Throw in the towel.

He is NOT going to change hence his kids WILL ONLY GET WORSE.

And he is a GUILTY DADDEE, worse than a Disney Dad (My opinion, after living with a Guilty Daddee and his ADULT FERAL CHILDREN!)

shamds's picture

doesn’ Excuse the fact he still needs to parent and discipline his kids. I hate it when these parents use it as a cop out. 

Oh but if i do they’ll threaten to run away and then suddenly hubby blames you that their kid already has threatened with running away from home

never again did my hubby dare make me feel guilty for his kids effups

i told him very clearly that they are pathetic shits of life who manipulate, disrespect others and threaten their way because thats who they choose to be, i have never made them this way, they were like this before i even came in the picture and if hubby thinks he can have me in his lofe with his kids continuing like this then he is very mistaken

Harry's picture

Your SO will continue to play games, pitting you against his kids. Making you always the bad guy.  Him listening to his kids over you is enough.  The kids are young you have years of this getting worst.   Time to start packing up.

Maybe marriage counseling is worth a try.  Maybe he will listen to someone else,  maybe not. 

justmakingthebest's picture

Just out of curiosity, what was the event that happened where you felt he wasn't being firm?

Please know that I am not discounting your feelings! I am just curious. Sometimes I think, when we have something stuck in our heads, small things become quick trigger issues. 

Also, keep in mind that I don't deal with a Disney dad. I would loose my mind and for sure not be able to live with some of the stories told on here!!!

nana09's picture

We where out with family. My 9yr old SS had a firework in his hand. My 8 yr Old bio son was trying to get it from him so he could put it away with the other fireworks since my DH had said he didnt want any of the kids holding any of the fireworks. SS received a call from his mom and yells at my son "Im on the fucking phone". This is not the first time he speaks like this. This has happened multiple times already. One of our rules (or should I say MY rules since I am the only who seems to try to be consistent with having them follow through) at home is that we do not speak to each other with disrespect. 

justmakingthebest's picture

Yup. Not an over reaction on your part at all! 

Wow... I can't believe that your DH got mad at you when his son is talking like that!!

Curious Georgetta's picture

essence, you have the right to parent your kids as you see fit. and the only way that you can comfortably remain with him is if he parents his kids as you see fit as well.

Under those circumstances, you get to be the Designator in Chief of parenting in your household.

It might be helpful to remember that not every man or woman who is seeking a spouse is also seeking a parenting coach.

He has, as you do, the right to parent his kids in the way that he  thinks best.

You have the right to decide if the outcomes of his parenting  creates an environment in which you are comfortable living. 

While you experience your kids as the better behaved, he  might find it annoying to have them around so much of the time.  What if he proposes to "fix" his parenting  in the manner that you have requested, but in return requires that your kids not spend any more time in your mutual home than his spend?  Your immediate response would be that he knew the schedule when he married you. He can counter that you knew and experienced his relationship with his kids when you married him.

What neither of you knew was how long term living with these conditions would impact  you.

Why not try family counseling?  You guys are talking but you seem not to be hearing what the other is saying.

Child rearing is not easy and there are many styles and ways to be an effective parent.

 

Gimlet's picture

 It might be helpful to remember that not every man or woman who is seeking a spouse is also seeking a parenting coach.

I don't agree with everything you wrote, but I do agree with this.  I've learned this the hard way.  My DH and I have different parenting styles, we both have kids from previous marriages, and we have had very different outcomes.  In the beginning, I was sure that based on those outcomes, my husband would want my advice.  And sometimes he does, but those are the times he will ask for it and I've learned not to offer if not asked because not my kid, not my issue.

However, I do think it's acceptable to set boundaries and standards for behavior within your home.  I do not think it's out of bounds to expect the basics: manners, respect, clean up after yourself.  So while I will not tell my husband how to parent his kid, I will communicate that I do not expect to have to clean up after him and that I expect to be treated politely etc, and I will do the same.  If those things are violated, then I absolutely expect him to handle it.

I know others have situations that are much more dire than mine, so YMMV, but I absolutely believe in boundaries and expectation setting.  Preferably, these things are discussed and agreed upon before moving in/getting married, etc, but I also think there are times you don't realize the hard truth until you're already in it. 

I agree that counseling can help with communication. 

This is a red flag though: " my kids have it easy because they have me 24/7 even though their dad sees them 4 times a month so its not like my kids need him, all while DH poor kids probably just want mom and dad together, they have it hard going back and forth between mom and dad so why should he change his ways with them and  I should cut them some slack too."

That is a great way to excuse a myriad of bad behavior because of the divorce.  While it's true that divorce has an impact on kids, allowing the kids to think their lives are insumountably hard because they are COD is a big mistake.  Murph is right, that is a classic Guilty Dad and that is a red flag, IMO. 

 

nana09's picture

he has the right to parent his kids the way he thinks is best? yet I also have to deal with the kind of mess his kids are?

as far as my kids, I always encourage my children to be respectful towards his children and towards him in every aspect. My kids are old enough to where they already know and understand that their dad really doesnt see them, and in my words a shitty ass father, so they have mentioned how they are thankful towards DH so i tell them to always be thankful for the things he does for them. I encourage manners. I encourage them to always listen to him when he asks them to do something or stop doing something. If my children are wrong towards one another or towards his children I dont sugar coat nothing. If DH lets me know that my kids did wrong while I wasnt around, I come to the bottom of it and still dont sugar coat nothing.  I immediately hold them accountable for their actions and I give them consequences. My kids have flaws too but I dont sit around and sugar coat things, justify their actions or let them get away with it. Oh no!They know I dont play that. 

futurobrillante99's picture

While you may not have the "right" to tell him how he must parent his kids, you DO have the right to peace in your home and for you and your children to expect respect, decency and care. If your spouse cannot provide you those things, you are free to disengage yourself and your kids from spending any time or having anything to do with his kids, you and your kids could move out or you could have DH move out or take his visitation time somewhere else instead of your home.

But you cannot expect him to parent his kids your way.

tankh21's picture

There is different parenting styles however, when skids are disrespectful and a parent tries to be their "friend" aka a Disney parent then something needs to happen. OP said that her skids were disrespectful and there is NO EXCUSE for disrespect. This is a DH problem.

ITB2012's picture

If I say something about a skid that is not completely positive DH retorts with something that my DS. He doesn’t like that I tell him we already talked about the DS thing, that thing has nothing to do with this thing, and we are only talking about this skid thing right now. He tries to deflect all the time. 

Gimlet's picture

My DH and I used to do this too, sometimes still do.  When it happens, we reserve the right to call it out and re-direct by saying "No tit for tat."   It keeps us focused on the conversation at hand and keeps it from escalating into my kid/your kid which never gets us anywhere but mad at each other.   But, both partners have to agree to it and that's the hard part.  

nana09's picture

my goodness. yes! its ways like that with us. I'll tell him "Your kid did this. Letting you know so you can correct it" he will say "well your kid isnt perfect either". and then we go back and forth cuz im trying to stick to what we where initially talking about, but he will keep going back to "well your kids..."

Bex_S's picture

You need to get out. DH has made it very clear that he refuses to change, and refuses to encourage his kids to as well. If he wants to raise complete feral brats, he can do it alone.

thinkthrice's picture

that is all