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DH the enabler

nana09's picture

hi! Its me again, Whining and complaining cuz once again DH go at it again in regards to his children (7 & 9). This time? Cuz i told him to stop enabling them. 

Last time he couldnt have his 9 yr old son pull out his jeans from dryer once it was done drying. DH said because what if his son doesnt know how....are you serious? So it was brought up tonight because he says i expect to much of the kids as if they where adults. I asked him "So is having him pull out his own jeans from the dryer to much to expect from him?" He goes off to say that I should atleast teach him how to do seriously! I gotta teach a 9 year old boy how to pull out his clean dried jeans out of the dryer?! My kids been doing it since they where 5 & 7 and i didnt even have to show them how. 

I go on to remind him how his kids are always coming home telling us how they always help their mom do laundry and with chores at home. I Told him "So if your son helps his mom with laundry than I am sure he knows how to do such a simple task as pulling out clothes out the dryer. And why cant I expect them to do here what they do with their mom if they know how to do it?". He flips off and says "forget it! if its to much for you to teach them anything or help them than dont do it. Dont even wash their clothes since its to much"! 

whattt thaaa'! where is this all coming from?!

Im gonna start counseling sessions for myself soon because I have some stuff i have to work on myself and all this BS is not healthy for me. Shit like this only brings me to a much darker place. Maybe I can get help on how to handle this crap since I still want to stay in this relationship and eventually have the counselor see him too. 



BethAnne's picture

Seriously? You two had a major blow out because neither of you wanted to spend less than 30 seconds showing the kid how to open the dryer door? 

I know there is a lot more going on in the relationship than this but some mole hills do not need to be made into mountains.

btw I would totally take your husband up on the offer to stop doing chores for his kids if he expects you to be the housekeeper/maid/cook/babysitter. 

nana09's picture

Its not about showing the kid, because if this kid can go on his video games or phone for hours and know all this stuff about his video games and phone without being taught than HE CAN do the simple tasks I expect him to do. Its the fact that DH automatically assumes his kids DONT KNOW how to do simple tasks and just does nothing about it. Which is why i believe he enables them. Yet when I hear his kids talking about how they do all these things at their moms house, or I see my own kids (8 & 10) doing simple tasks at home without an issue, and I expect them to do such things here at home, I am expecting to much and I should teach them.

Missnyc's picture

Yea that age they should know. It seems like they are some spoiled brats. I would disengage and let DH deal with them. 

ndc's picture

Your husband's position is laughable.  Anyone who has ever taken clothes out of a dryer knows that there is not a steep learning curve involved and that a small child can easily do it without instruction.  Perhaps your husband needs to do more laundry so that he can understand this.

I have a stepdaughter who is 4.  She has been taking clothes out of the dryer since she was TWO!  Granted, she didn't have the physical strength to pull the dryer door open at that point, but she certainly understood that the door opened and you reached in and pulled clothes out, and she would help unload the dryer.  Your H is delusional if he thinks someone needed to instruct his 9 year old on how to get his jeans out of the dryer.  If I were you, I would take him up on his offer for you to stop doing skid laundry.

nana09's picture

Right?! My children have been doing these things for the longets too. I told him that and he says "thats because your kids see you do these things and thats how they learned and now know". My response "just like your kids also see their mom do it, based on how they say they help their mom out. So how is it that he needs help learning these basic things?".

Winterglow's picture

OP - OT but ... did you find out why your DuH put all those locks on closets and doors? What was the outcome? 

nana09's picture

He never gave me a clear response as to why BUT the doors are no longer kept locked. 

SeeYouNever's picture

Bioparents will use anything as evidence you hate thier kid.

If you Google age appropriate chores it's surprising what can be expected of very young kids. A 9 year old can be expected to do most chores independently. Though this is more about how your husband doesn't want SS to have any tasks even resembling chores because if he is treated as anything less than an honored guest he might not visit anymore.

nana09's picture

There has been times already where he has reffered the childrens stay at our house as them being our "guests". So i wouldnt be surpised that is the case.

hereiam's picture

Opening a dryer door is very complicated, a lot can go wrong. What if he opens it too fast? Too hard? He could hurt himself, then what? He would have a fear of dryers for the rest of his life. Oh, the nightmares he would have. Who's going to pay for the therapy he will need?

You just don't understand the trauma this could cause.

We all know he didn't really mean it when he said to stop doing their laundry, but that's exactly what I would do.


nana09's picture

Oh no, I cant even imagine the trauma (sarcasm moment)

Today is actually laundry day, thats less clothing i gotta wash. 

tog redux's picture

Well, for sure take him up on the offer to stop washing their clothes. It's not your responsibility anyway. If DH doesn't want precious to accidentally be hurt by the dryer door, he can do their laundry himself. 

hereiam's picture

Oh geez, I missed the 'Locking doors in house' post. Your husband has a screw loose. If my husband had ever suggested that his daughter lock me out of a room in MY home, I would have lost it.

They can all do their own laundry and pick up/put away their own crap.

ESMOD's picture

I guess there could be a difference between teaching a kid HOW to do something vs teaching them that there is an EXPECTATION that they do something.

So.. kid may not magically know that it is his responsibility to get his clothes from the dryer.  It IS a parent's responsibility to teach them that is the expectation in the house.  Of course, they are also not mind readers.. so I think it's also reasonable that if the clothes are ready to be taken out of the dryer.. someone probably needs to alert the child to that fact.  

Until it becomes habit... kids do sometimes need reminders.

advice.only2's picture

SS in his state mandated counseling years from now:
"Well I guess you could say my troubles all started the day I was expected to fetch my own clothes from the dryer and NOBODY would show me how to open the damn door! I mean can you imagine! Here I am looking at all those clean clothes through a glass door and no clue how to access them! I guess that's when I decided f*ck it all and opted to become a serial killer!"

tog redux's picture

Someone has a fancy dryer with a glass door on it!  With my dryer, no glass - he'd be totally flummoxed.  "What is this magic machine? Where do I go to get the clothes out?"

I'm pretty sure I've read about cats who can open dryer doors. 

advice.only2's picture

Lol I should probably say window. But yeah this magical box that heats up the clothes, and unless you know the secret trick of opening the door you are screwed!

Siemprematahari's picture

Is his son developmentally delayed that he wouldn't be able to open a freaking dryer door? Is he handicapped in some way that prevents him from doing this? Your H is a piece of work and yeah he can do their laundry and teach them the basics since he thinks the task is so difficult.

Miss me with that BS!

simifan's picture

Your DH would really have a problem with me. I starting teaching DS in kindergarten how to do his own laundry. 

Ispofacto's picture

Your DH is gaslighting you.  This isn't about teaching anyone anything.  He's saying the first stupid thing that comes to mind to shut you up.  It's too stupid to argue about, just disengage.


ITB2012's picture

We have laundry wars in our house.

I stopped doing DH and the skids laundry years ago since one of the skids wasn't wiping and DH always had some excuse every week as to how I was not handling it properly. Fine. If he's the expert, he can handle it.

He also said the kids should be learning to do their own laundry. I agreed. I had DS doing all his own laundry. Six months before DS and OSS went off to college, DH brought up again that those two should really learn to do their own laundry before they go off to school. I informed DH (and he hadn't noticed) that DS had been doing his own from a long time.

We have the problem in our house that the kids take out the one thing they need but don't bother to take out the rest of the clothes, especially when it's all their own laundry. Drives DH and I nuts, though DH has less of a leg to stand on because he will just not take his load out of the dryer for days. He got mad at me once because I dumped his load of laundry on the floor rather than into a basket--there were none available as no one had folded their clothes and brought them back--yet he had done that very thing to a kid the day before.