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A complete turn-BioMom Is Sick

nana09's picture

Those who have read my previous blogs already have an idea of how my step kids are and DH but I havent talked much about the BioMom.
When I first met DH she was putting this man thru hell and back. She gives him the kids cuz she couldnt & didnt care for them, she was in a stable relationship and was out partying every weekend. When DH decides to take her to court to legally have full custody of them she snatches them back, putting a restraining order against him so he couldnt see the kids the first 3 months of their legal battle. She completely disregards everything that he had been thru with his kids and his emotionally well being.

They decide joint custody and most of the time she disregarded any opinions or suggestions he had in regards to decisions that needed to be made for the kids. Up until last year she and her guy split. Rumors have it that she was cheating (wouldnt be surprised. DH says he suspects she cheated while with him too). So she moves closer. Its been a hassle dealing with her because she is always making stupid choices in regards to the kids and DH is always the one dealing with the consequences. DH is always having sit downs with her to tell her that she needs to get her shit together but its like talking to the wall. Not to mention that this lady is always more concerned about being a friend first to her children than a parent, which is why I feel that it is another reason why the kids are how they are. DH and Biomom BOTH dont have set rules, enable them, dont enforce decipline and just let these kids do as they please. Its just so much more of her to tell because she really is not a good person, but this is just some stuff and i just cannot stand her.

Well, DH just found out today she has cancer and today she is finding out how advance it is. I kinda feel bad for her, even after all the shit she has done, but it makes me question alot of things? She relys on DH alot because she has distanced herself from her own family over some real petty shit on her part. She is literally alone. And than what about the kids when they find out their mom is sick. I want to be there for them because its a sucky situation to be in at a young age, knowing your mom is sick but since they already feel like they are intitled(thanks to mom and dads lack of parenting ways), will they expect even more? and will DH feel like "No, you cant tell them nothing because my poor kids have their mom sick". He already feels like "my poor kids have it bad because they are back and forth and dont have mom and dad together" which is why I feel he is how he is a father, but now that she is sick, now what? I dont even know what to think or what to expect. 


Jay_Dead's picture

My DH's BM has a history of the same behavior as your DH's BM.  She also pretended to be dying multiple times, 6 months to live and all that (what was wrong with her was self-induced and not terminal).  Personally, I'd want to hear the diagnosis from an actual doctor instead of her lips.  If you couldn't trust her in the past, what makes you think she's trustworthy now?  If, in fact, the diagnosis is accurate, then the children must be told to prepare them for what is to come.  If they don't know, they won't understand what's going on.  Life is hard; its roses and thorns. Enabling children to be entitled only sets them up for failure when they become of age.  His kids may have it "bad," but there are millions of children who have it far worse.

nana09's picture

Life is hard; its roses and thorns. Enabling children to be entitled only sets them up for failure when they become of age.

This: It is very true! I have told him that I am the parent that i am to my kids because life is NOT EASY! I experienced that already at such a young age myself. I told him that I want the same for his children BUT, i guess not everyone thinks the same.

Jay_Dead's picture

I was a single parent to my two bios after divorce and I raised them to be strong and resilient.  I did not shelter them from the realities of life.  My own childhood was not easy; adulthood has not been easy.  But, I will not back down or play the victim in this life.  Guilt seems to warp a parent's sense of what is best for their children.  Enforcing boundaries and setting standards/consequences seems too painful for a parent already carrying guilt.  They objectively know that they are actually hurting their kids in the long run, but subjectively, the short term enabling relieves them of temporary pain.  It's really a sad thing to behold.

Jay_Dead's picture

My SM mother had a stroke several years before and passed away.  My SF has a heart of gold and loved me like his daughter (he had no children of his own) and my children as his grandchildren, while at the same time not trying to replace my father.  He understood the need for closure for my mother. My parents divorce was not high drama or conflict. They just grew apart.  I call my mother and her husband my "parents" and refer to him as my dad when introducing him to others.  He has demonstrated that selfless love that parents are supposed to and he deserves every bit of that title. I know my father would not mind as he knew my SF has a good heart.

Mandy45's picture

My SDs bio got breast cancer just before me an DH got married. My 2 Sds where 7 and 16 at the time. Bio came out of it okay.  (She still here to annoy us today) But we were all truthful with the kids about her illness. They even went to hospital and that with her when she was having her treatment and everything. They shaved her head when her hair was falling out. Bio let us and them know truthfully what was going on. We all sort of put our differences aside during that time. We never sugar coated things. Because if bio did die they would of been prepared. Been able to spend whatever time with her that they needed. You cant sugarcoat things like cancer and death. Because it life people get sick people die. Things dont always work out. But whatever happens you always got to get back onto your horse. And keep going. No matter how many times you fall off.