New to StepTalk and IN NEED to vent!!!
Sorry in advance for the long rant...
So Im new here and I have 2 bonus kids, a 7 yr old girl a 9 yr old boy. I have an 8 yr old son and a 10 yr old daughter from a previous relationship as well and my husband and I just welcomed "our" baby 3 months ago. We have been together for 5 yrs. He has split custody with his ex although sometimes there are periods where they are more with us, currently they have been staying more with her.
So, I have never had a problem with my bonus children. When I first met them his son was so sweet and his daughter, well she was still a baby. Throughout time things have changed. I feel like he sometimes let's his girl get away with things or let's her get her way (he pretty much babies her) and doesn't really inforce decipline, rules and structure on both kids and when he tries it's more on his son. (Ex. His son has a phone. The girl likes to just grab it when she wants. One day he asked his dad for his phone because his phone had no battery.My husband asks why was his phone dead and his son says because he had it charging but his sister grabbed it to play. My husband nags at just his son that he should know better and have it charged and never tells her anything about it.) We have had issues inlcuding both of our girls because he takes it personal that for a while now my daughter does not want to play with bonus daughter. I tried to ignore it because they are kids but he wouldnt let it go. I use to nag at my daughter for not playing with her but than stopped when I realized how my bonus daughter is, to be begged to play and if they dont play what she wants she starts saying no one wants to play with her and than everyone else would get in trouble. Not only that but my daughter is not interested in things bonus daughter likes anymore. My daughter is growing. He doesn't seem to realize that. And not to long ago my bonus daughter decides she wanted to lie about me with her dad. Why did she do it? IDK.When he confroted me about it I told him it was not true, that I was not going to allow that to be a reason to be arguing with him, that he needed to have a serious talk with bonus daughter about her lying and that it was not fair I could not tell his kids anything or enforce decipline without them turning it into a lie and using it against me. Now my bonus son has seem to be rebelling on his dad. He will snap right back at his dad at ANYTHING and always contradicting him.One day his son told him "you're making me mad" and when my hsuband asked why my bonus son just snapped back " I dont know". My husband did and said nothing. Listening to all this brings me a headache honestly, listening how my husband allows it because like I mentioned, it feels like I can't enforce decipline, let them know between right and wrong without either them taking it bad and making me seem like the bad guy, or my husband feeling uncomfortable with it. I have told him how I feel like a babysitter and not someone important in their lives. When Im home alone with them All I do is feed and watch them. Their dad has to call them to tell them to do things, if they misbehave I have to let him know so he takes matters. It has made me feel uncomfortable with them, I now dread the time they come back and I dont want to feel like this.
Spring break is next week and they will be staying all week with me. The week has not even started and I want it to end. I dont want to feel like this because my children will be home too and I dont think its fair to them that I feel like this.
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Comments
So first. I'll never
So first. I'll never understand "bonus" kids. They're skids. Say it like it is. Why add frill and fluff? I even love mine. I'm raising them. We have them full time. Genuinely care about them. They're my kiddos or my skids.
Secondly. Your SD does need rules, but that's up to your DH. As for your SS. My guess is he may not fully understand why he's pissed, but in large part it's probably a combo of teen/pre-teen angst AND the fact he can easily tell his dad favors SD. Kids sense those things. And it HURTS.
Say no to spring break. For your sanity. You shouldn't be stuck with the monsters he's created. And if you don't have authority, then I don't think it's going to be a healthy week for you OR your kids from the sound of it.
Talk to your DH. I'm so sorry you're facing all this! Remember. You're NOT an unpaid nanny!
You don't have a "bonus daughter"
You have a mini-wife in training and your DH is doing a fine job of creating this monster. Sounds like it's time to ride the disengagement express. Welcome and read this link below:
http://steptogether.org/help.html
Thinkrice is correct, this is
Thinkrice is correct, this is a mini-wife in the making and it will only continue to get worse the longer your husband allows it.
No one here calls skids bonus kids. This isn't a bonus situation!
Please take the advice given here!
The only reason I call them
The only reason I call them that is by choice, being that I was a bonus child and the thought of calling my mom stepmom and being called her stepkid was something that I HATED growing up.
Thank you all for the advice.
I just simply say my kiddos.
I just simply say my kiddos. Easier that way. And they call me mom. No need for flare IF you all get along and have a great relationship
I do call them all my kids.
I do call them all my kids. If anyone asks they are all mine. I get the crazy look like "Damn, thats alot of kids". Its just when I do have to explain.
Just curious...why did it
Just curious...why did it bother you so much? Like did it make you feel left out or lesser than?
It made me feel both, same
It made me feel both, same way as calling my mom or reffering her as "stepmom", I did not want her feeling that way either.
Let me guess, DH didn't ask
Let me guess, DH didn't ask for time off from work for Spring Break.
What would he do for arrangements if you weren't around? He's supposed to be spending time with them, not sticking them with you. AND if he's going to, then he should give you full authority to engage operation smack-down accordingly. IMO
No, unfortunately he did not.
No, unfortunately he did not. And BioMom decides spring break was a great opportunity to take extra hrs at work. Since Im home, she figured she'd ask my husband if they could stay with me so she can work extra time. Crazy part is I have already been disengaging, he has already expressed how he feels I dont like his children anymore and how he feels bad going to work and leaving them at home with me because they are just stuck in their room (and they stay in there because they want. I always encourage them to come out.) but yet he still makes this decision to have them stay at home with me ALL WEEK.
You lost me at bonus lol-
You lost me at bonus lol- that said...please explain, did your dh not ask you to watch his kids, or did he make a unilateral decision and then INFORM you as if you're some nanny? Because you will need to learn to assert yourself and establish boundaries. They want you to be 100% responsible with 0% authority? HELL NO You've got a learning to do but we can help you with that. You have to put it all back on him, either you're allowed to discipline in your own home and you are engaged or you're disengaged in all matters, including watching them.
No, he did not ask. He just
No, he did not ask. He just made the decision and than lets me know kids will be home all week.
I really do have alot of learning to do. I worry so much about other peoples feelings, Specially my husbands, and just sweep mine under the rug.
Just Some Observations:
1. Does your man allow co-sleeping with his children? (aka the kiddies routinely jump into bed with him at night)
2. Does he have to lie down with them to get them to sleep?
3. Do the children seem somehow "stunted" socially? Do they have poor hygiene habits, eating habits, bedtime habits?
4. Does your man subscribe to the "one big happy family" model? (expects you to love his children as much as or more than him)
5. Does your man have the "inability" to say no to his children?
6. Do his children seem overly "hyperactive" to you?
7. Does your man say "just relax; you worry too much" or "Everything will be just fine" if you bring up a legitimate concern
8. Do the children seem "overly needy" demanding that dad spend 24/7 with them? Do they physically lay all over him and go bonkers when daddy steps out of their peripheral vision?
9. Are they unable to do age appropriate tasks or want dad to do things that could easily be done themselves?
10. Does dad seem overprotective of his children; unwilling to let them try things out on their own?
11. Has dad said things like "I don't want to make waves with the BM b/c it will affect the children" or "we'll take the high road" when faced with blatant BM stepping over boundaries.
12. Has dad said things to you like "you don't like my children" or "my children are UNCOMFORTABLE with you" or "you're a child hater" or "my children are afraid of you" or "my children don't like you?" This is code for you are able to see through the manipulation and the children don't like it. . . and frankly he doesn't like the fact that you can see through his children's manipulation either. He'd rather look the other way as opposed to actually parenting because he might "lose" his children to the (almost always) PASinator BM.
oh man! As I am reading these
oh man! As I am reading these I can quickly see how some if not most of these apply to his daughter.
All the fault of
mommykins and daddykins of course for allowing it to happen. Will he treat your "ours" child diferently? Will he expect baby to tow the line while baby observes SD getting away with murder? Will SD reject baby and have nothing to do with her half-sibling? Will the children from your first relationship notice the glaring disparity and become resentful?
All questions to ask yourself.