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Fake InLaws-Not StepParenting Related

nana09's picture

• When I first met my DH, I always heard stories of how my in laws loved his ex. I wanted them to love me just as much or more to you know, have a great relationship. Well, after 5 years i still dont feel a bond with MIL. I really feel that shes fake, she isnt genuine. When I feel something, the feel is always strong and i am almost right. Every time DH family has get togethers, its always my MIL, her other daughter in law and my SIL sitting together and gossiping about others. I watch, i observe, I listen and just stay quiet. If anything I HATE GOSSIPING, I hate drama! When I first came around it was different. All the ladies sat together, we would have drinks, talk, sing and have a good time. Now its like the 3 of them gang up and just want it to be them 3. I sit, I watch, I observe, listen and say nothing. There is one particular person who I truly feel that she is honest, genuine, and trusting. I feel it! She and her husband are family friends for several years now. I have also seen how my in laws have distanced themselves from her but I have also heard them talking shit about her. I had a talk with her the other day because I needed to vent about something. Didnt want to tell my family to not worry them, didnt want to talk to his family and them assume the worst or chose sides and didnt want to tell my immediate friends just so they dont tell me what I want to hear. After her and I talked she asked me "Why didnt you want to tell his family? Be honest, how do you truly feel about your inlaws? Do you feel you can trust them?" Its like she knew how I felt, so I let it out. I expressed to her how I felt towards them. I told her how on the night of my baby shower, winter of 2018, while I was in the passenger side of the car waiting for DH to go home, my MIL slammed my door shut over something that she misunderstood, she escalated even after I tried to be very respectful about. MIL wouldnt want to talk to me. I was the one who had to be the bigger person, show up with my big o 8 month belly to her house and squash the incident. She even said "You're right, I wasnt going to go to your house" after I told her I felt I needed to come by because I felt she wasnt going to come to my house and I didnt want the tension between us 2. The family friend said "Im not going to go into detail, unless you want me too, but there was so much stuff said about your baby shower that im sure came from them. My thoughts where if they offered to be the ones to plan out your baby shower, why couldnt they do it with the heart? This is why I have distanced myself from them. So i dont blame you if you feel this way. I have learned to appreciate you. You have done so much for (DH name here), (her husbands name here) and I see it. Just becareful " So now I cant help but believe that i am right about how i feel. MIL is always the one to brag about how her children are good people, how her daughter in laws are lucky to be with her children, how the entire family are great people, how she is a good person and an awesome daughter to her father, and that she feels she is a great MIL. Yet DH tells me how his mother complains about how her other daughter in law who lives with her doesnt wash dishes, and doesnt this and doesnt do that. I sometimes have to let him know I dont want to hear it or I keep quiet. It makes me question, the way she and the other 2 sit down and gossip about others, do they sit down and talk about me?! Does my MIL talk behind my back, and the other 2 just feed into it? I personally feel like I am always respectful towards everyone. I am very chill most of the time. If I dont come around them like they expect me to thats because I am a very "to my self" kind of person and prefer to be at home. They know this cuz i have said it. They also know that they are welcomed to come around if they would like. Now with more reason I dont want come around them to be eyed down, to be watched, to be judged and than be gossiped about. 

Comments

keepitsimplestupid's picture

similar in-laws.  Mine are very gossippy as well.  They also are cliquish and clannish, which they call being a "close" family.  Odd thing with these types of people is that they don't see the problem and think that they are the best things since sliced bread.  Outsiders notice and might mention something, but nobody will ever convince any of them that they're off-putting.

Once during a Christmas visit as my SIL was walking out the door, my MIL started talking sh!t about her BEFORE the door even closed.  I still wonder if SIL heard anything that evening.  The gals gather around and talk smack about anyone and everyone, mainly family.  And nobody is off limits.  That's how I KNOW that they talk smack about me as well when I'm not around.  It's just in their blood and nobody will ever change them. 

I find myself watching what I say, how I say it, who I say it to, etc.  It just makes me nervous and uncomfortable.  I understand talking about an event or something that happened with someone or whatnot.  It's human nature.  But these gals take it to another level.  I'm just not interested, so I don't really visit with them much anymore.  Luckily they're 2 states away so I can claim to be sick or busy with something and they won't know.  I haven't visited them in probably 3 years and it's been pleasantly drama-free.

Really, there's nothing you can do to change this situation.  They are who they are.  If you aren't comfortable with the gossip and drama, distance yourself from it/them.  The only person you can control is yourself.

--figureditout--'s picture

I greatly dislike my MIL.  She and my BIL are two peas in the same pod; joined at the hip. My FIL passed away long before DH and I were a couple.

She has visited twice. 

First time was a nightmare as DH spent her whole trip fixing her POS car at our expense instead of toting her all over the land.  BTW, he had to borrow a friend's truck to tow that POS to our house from 2 states away.  She catered more to SD as BS was just a toddler.  I got to hear story after story about how my FIL beat her and was a worthless human being.  When she left, DH had returned to work (military so he had no choice).  I took her out to the main highway and suggested that perhaps we could bring the kids up to Cinci the following summer.  She replied with "Oh, that can never happen.  I cannot put BIL through being forced to be around DH."

Visit number 2 came after SD was released from one of her stays in the mental hospital.  We had 2 biosons at this time (still do).  YBS was never acknowledged by MIL.  Ever.  Not a birthday card. Not a phone call. Nothing.  She made it crystal clear that she was only here to spend time with SD.  Biatch told me that my boys were "loud, stupid, and annoying."  I bit my tongue. Told DH after she'd gone back to Kentucky.

The nail in the hag's coffin came after DH got sober. She told DH that she did not approve of the original name we chose for OBS.  We were misinformed at the U/S that we were having a girl.  FIL had been widowed before marrying MIL.  His first wife had a brain tumor and passed away along with their unborn child.  We chose to honor her by using her middle name as our baby's middle name.  How often does one really use a middle name?  We agreed on Victoria Kay.  According to MIL, that was a knife in her back.  Um, it's my child, I could have named it anything I wanted...maybe Red Crayon or Bitter Ol'Hag would have made her happy?

BIL.  Should be WIL for Whiner In Law.  Lives off MIL and his disabled ladyfriend.  I've spoken to the POS once in the 17 years DH and I have been married. That was when MIL came on her first visit.  He wanted me to Western Union him money because MIL left him $20 to last a week.  After SD started showing signs of mental problems, he whined about having a niece and nephews that he knew nothing about, but never reached out to any of them.  He was married once.  Wife was a drug addict.  They had a child that was removed from their custody and adopted out.  DH tried to get custody but he was stationed in Japan at the time and never heard anything.  That child grew up in a family and reached out to her bio mom, who was clean for a short time.  BIL found out about the contact and stalked his once child.  She now wants nothing to do with anyone in the family.

FIL.  I never got to know him.  He had his good moments according to DH.  He was suffering from mental illness when he passed away.  He was trying to get help and change, but it just wasn't happening fast enough I suppose.  His death is part of the reason MIL caters so much to BIL.  BIL found the body.  MIL was hiding out with DH.  Morbid as it sounds, I have read the letter he left.  It broke my heart because he saved for so long to give MIL what he thought she wanted and she needed instant gratification so she hid things and lied.  I actually see a lot of MIL in SD23's mother.  Take, take, take, then throw away what isn't good enough.

DHsfamilyfromhell's picture

I stay well away from my in laws now. There’s nothing quite like three women sitting together in a little huddle backstabbing all the family members, my husband included. And the men being completely blind to it all. I decided I just wasn’t going to put up with it and I’m a lot happier now. He goes and sees his parents without me.

Curious Georgetta's picture

Is that the family friend is no different from your in laws. Given the opportunity, she will talk about others  behind their backs. She seems to be a good fit with the in laws that  you are describing.

Remember that people who are willing to gossip with you are usually just as willing to gossip about you.

Find friends and interests of your own. Spend less time with your in laws and their friends.

Once your life is fully occupied, you probably won't have time or inclination to care how your in laws conduct their lives.

secret's picture

Ehhhh .... I heard once maybe 25 years ago that the family outcast is generally outcast because they don't go along with the bullshit.

It stuck with me all this time.

I really don't give a hoot what the gossip girls say. If they're miserable enough to get together to talk shit, let them. They clearly don't have much going on in their own lives so they need to make themselves feel better by gossiping about others.

momjeans's picture

Ehhhh .... I heard once maybe 25 years ago that the family outcast is generally outcast because they don't go along with the bullshit.

This. 

Outliers and truth-tellers usually become the black sheep of the family because they’re outspoken and/or intolerant of backbiting BS. It is no different with in-laws, because often enough the black sheep is eager to shift that familial role off onto the next person - usually someone’s spouse. 

Winterglow's picture

When you described your MIL and SILs, this popped into my mind:

"When shall we three meet again
In thunder, lightning, or in rain?"

Biggrin

 

JanRebecca's picture

MIL still loves the ex more than she will ever 'like' me - they come in from out of town and spend more time with the ex and ss than they do with my husband - their SON or my bs. it sucks - it's been over 6 years - it won't change , it is what it is but still boils my blood when they hurt my hubby by spending more time with his ex than with him

 

SayNoSkidsChitChat's picture

Yeah MiL makes chummy with Biowhore and Dirtclan which I find fascinating since MiL talked smack about Biowh0re to me and acted like she hates them. So, which is it, Bitch!?

momjeans's picture

I loathe my in-laws in a serious way. They’re insufferable people who masquerade as The Perfect Family. 

They’re not.

They’re driven by unhealthy agendas, have closeted addictions, cannot abide by anyone’s boundaries, and triangulate and manipulate. 

While my FIL is quite the toxic, Bad Grandpa POS, at least he’s overt about it.

My MIL, on the other hand, is the queen of playing both sides. She doesn’t have loyalty to anyone but her two grown sons (one of which is my DH) and skid, which includes trying to play besties with BM to get what she wants - and that’s to engage in gatekeeping when skid is here.