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Has this ever happened to you?

Mumof8's picture

After years of contention, and years of me being the Skid primary caregiver and only present parent, I asked my husband if I could skip mediation to attend a field trip with our daughter.  My biological kids have been on the back burner since entering this relationship and a year ago I said "no more!"  We are in a highly volatile situation where BM enjoys hurting me and him as much as possible.  Every time I see her she laughs at me, or violated the Reteaining order my husband got against her in an attempt to get his attention and also to irritate me.  I have distanced myself from the situation and have NO desire to waste one more moment of my life in upset, hurt, or misery.  I further, don't want to deal with anymore images of my husband nervous and enjoying it when she is jealous or he looks good.  I understand they were very heated their entire marriage and that now where there was love there is this endless need for hurt, but I also understand that if either of them had truly moved on she would respect the restraining order, not walk back to our mediation room, not look laughingly at me as I'm caring for her kids, and he wouldn't get nervous and feel anything for her at this point.  Anyway, I told him.

 last night I didn't want to go to the mediation and that I felt I would hinder it,  I told him I no longer want his destructive (fighting like animal) kids left with me all day and night, and that I had my own life to live.  I reminded him that I had done so willingly for six years, but that I had even had to take them to OBGyN appointments when I was pregnant with our kids because both he and their BM didn't want to be around them at all.  They have horrid ADHD, and SEVERE behavioral problems.  I have left embarrassed from every store or restaurant I've taken them in for the past seven years.

 Well, that went over really well let me tell you.  Next thing I know I'm selfish.  We are supposed to be a team, and what if he has to work late?  He can't leave (OUR BUSINESS) for an hour to go get them from school to pick them up from school?  But, apparently he thinks I can leave MY BUSINESS to do just that, and or NOt even have a business or pay my debt because of HIS AND HER little miniature Hitlers.  

He said that the outcome of this mediation will determine our lives going forward.  Whether we move to a new state, like I want to get away from her and her narcissistic ability to screw our lives over, or stay.  Whether we close our business or not ALL rides on little abusive hell raiders who steal, record our private conversations for Mommy, and beat the crap out of each other every five minutes,  and our kids together when they see an opportunity.  So, I am feeling resentful that as I try to take back power over my time and life, I am met with anger and outright coldness on his side, and also told that all life decisions are based on what Mommy dearest decides to do, and then that he wants custody of kids he rarely watches, but then so does she.  He wants custody (I mean sole) of kids that EVERY time they enter our home Bring their Mommy dearest with them.  Every time they leave they take something of mine or their sisters.  Mail, money, dishes, toys, makeup, jewelry, you name it, they have stolen it for her.  So, a Must i wrong for NOT wanting to go?  And i wrong for feeling that anyway I influence his decision is a wrong situation?  I believe yes, and I told him his visitation and custody needs to be based on what he wants and the time he can actually spend with his kids.  It should t be based on my willinglness to babysit every night alone.  Why even bring them to our house at all?  What do you think?  Have you guys ever skipped a court proceeding or mediation?  How did you SO react?  Did I just come across Wrong?


SteppedOut's picture

I think don't go - go to YOUR child's field trip. Also, if he is nevre home to parent the kids, he should NOT be trying to get more and/or sole custody.

Refuse to watch his kids.

twoviewpoints's picture

Go on the field trip. Enjoy yourself.

The only two who need to be at and/or do the skids custody/court stuff are the parents. 

Harry's picture

And enjoy your time with your child.  Your child will only be a kid once, you only have once change to enjoy this time ,  your are going to have mommy and DD time.  Let DH and BM worries about there kids,  NOT YOU. 

Please don’t miss out on this time with DD.  Your marriage may end, but your DD is your DD for ever 

Daisymazy2's picture

Have you been to mediation with him in the past?  They may not allow you in the room during mediation and you will be left sitting in a waiting room.

The last time I went to mediation with my XH, his wife joined.  The mediator asked ME if I wanted her to stay or go.  I asked for her to go because mediation is between XH and I not all 3 of us.  He could fill her in on it when we were finished.  I didn't do it to be mean and spitful and we were on good terms.  I just didn't feel like she needed to be there.

If DH ever asked me to go to mediation with him, I wouldn't go.  It isn't my place to be there.  



Siemprematahari's picture

You are not wrong for reclaiming your life from a H that doesn't appreciate & respect you and his children who are clearly sucking the life out of you. You have selflessly given so much of yourself for 6 years and he is manipulating you by laying the guilt trip. He's just as awful as his kids treatment of you for the way he's twisting this around. The issues he has are his and his Xwife to deal with. You have your own children to deal with.

Go to your childs field trip and let the pieces fall where they may but REMIND him that his kids will not be with you and there is no way he can go for SOLE custody if he's ALWAYS working. He's going to have to figure that out because you will have no parts in that.

Save yourself and really consider how this affects your health and the lives of your children. What YOU decide now will set the tone for how you will live the rest of your life. Remain strong and firm in your decision and set firm boundaries.

Exjuliemccoy's picture

If you want things to change, you're going to have to start with your own behaviors and be willing to stand VERY firm. None of this "I asked my H if I could skip mediation" stuff. You have to advocate for your self and your bios, because no one else is going to. This dysfunction has gone one for years, so of course there will be pushback and upheaval now that you recognize that things need to be recalibrated.

Things changed when you became a mother. Your focus and priorities changed, and more of your resources need to go to your own kid(s). I get that, but your H is going to use every trick in his arsenal to get you to keep making life easier for him. Your life and marriage are out of balance because you've compensated for these lazy, selfish parents. They may NEVER step up as parents, but that's not your concern. Your concern needs to be providing your own children with a healthy environment and at least one parent who's willing to do right by them.

You must draw a boundary with your H NOW, before custody is decided. It's simply the right thing to do. Be calm, be firm, be specific, and be adamant that you are DONE being involved with his kids and you will not be involved in their care going forward. Tell him that you recognize that you subbing for him and BM is harmful, that the skids really need him to be more involved, and that your joint kid(s) deserve to have 100 percent of their mother.

Recalibrating a marriage is HARD, I won't lie. When a SM stops being a doormat, it causes anger and resentment. Still, it's what's best for the children and for YOU.