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When everyone disappears

Mumof8's picture

Anyone else experience a sudden disappearance the minute the biomom shows up?  Not from your Husband or the Kids, but suddenly, you seem to disappear to your husband and whomever Biomom is sleeping with and convincing she loves at the moment disappears to her?  

 

I fought for for five years to keep the SS 12 in a stable and good school environment.  His public education cost us roughly $80,000 in legal fees, and also countless hours of me driving him every single day since Kindergarten to whichever home he was supposed to sleep at that night.  I produced 6 "About Me" posters.  I spent days and weeks on projects, attended numerous school plays and performances, and I went to a field trip every single year for seven years, and today, SS12 graduated the 6th grade.  

 

Even though ugh my Husband has a Restraining order, Biomom was there.  Said husband was barking at me all day yesterday, dreading the aforeseen inevitability of her presence.  Then, when we are finally getting ready to leave (I went separately because of two babies to attend to) he won't stop going into detail over everything and every move she has made since she got there.

literally, 15 minutes of rundown on her, her newest meal ticket (who actually seems nice and truly believes he's found his soul mate the poor sucker), and her parents every move.  The entire time I'm just sitting there watching MY boy.  My boy who is becoming a man.  Remembering how small he was and the sound of his little singing voice in the back of my car on the way home everyday from Kindergarten.  Watching him look at his little girlfriend and blush as he sat waiting to get his diploma.  

When it was all over, the distance she was supposed to keep (as always she can't stay away from my husband) wasn't there, and I watched as my Husband enjoyed seeing her fatter than usual, but trying SOOOo hard to get him to look at her, to be close to him, and completely ignoring her new meal ticket who is my Husbands physically inferior replacement, and her senior by several years if not decades.  

I could wax eloquently about it and the fact that her new "fiancée" had to literally grab her arm and yank her to keep her from running into a wall while she desperately attempted to get ANY attention, AND I can infer many MANY things from the fact that my husband felt the need to talk about her (even after she left), and was horrible to me last night prior to having to deal with her.  Right now though, just hoping for some commiserations, some constructive thoughts etc.  

any of you dealt with this (for lack of better word) shit before?

Comments

tog redux's picture

Well, DH and I both like to giggle at BM's obvious misery in the form of not aging well, looking frumpy, achy and awful.  And she also tries a little to get attention, but honestly we don't see her much anymore.  Once he went to pick up SS recently and BM just had to go out to her car at that very moment that he was in the driveway.

We joke about it and move on. My DH would not piss on her if she was on fire.  Are you implying your DH still has feelings for BM?

CLove's picture

Tell him blasting you is not ok, dredging up all details of BM during special day for SS is not ok. He needs you to bop him over the head with how that was NOT OK. Even not being the jealous type, IDEFINITELY have boundaries when it comes to Toxic Troll, my DH ex. She has crossed, disrespected, and trudged all over our boundaries over the years, and DH cannot seem to tell her "no", he always gives explanations. She doesnt get it.

- Toxic Troll has asked to borrow truck to haul furniture.
- She has asked DH to measur her grungy apartment for her for furnishing.
- She has texted sexual suggestive comments.
- Just a few months ago, Toxic Troll ran out of gas a few blocks from her apartment, asked DH to come resue her, on his way to work, and then freaking waited ALL day for him to come rescue her after he got home from work. I went through the roof on that one.

You need to set some boundaries for your DH, and continually enforce them.

marblefawn's picture

Not exactly, but when my husband has to be around his ex or deal with her in any way, he becomes agitated, anxious and almost scared.

I remember asking why he wasn't looking forward to his only child's wedding a few years back. He said he can't enjoy anything involving his ex because her unpredictable behavior just shakes him to pieces and brings back scenes from their marriage, which was pretty ugly because of the ex's Borderline Personality.

They had an abusive relationship -- she was verbally and physically abusive and a raging, destructive force to her kid, her husband, her bosses, everyone in contact with her, which I only say because I saw it in action and she directed at me a few times. I was terrified!

If your guy had a rocky relationship with his ex, maybe one that shook him more than you realize because she's not altogether stable, maybe what seems like his rudeness to you or obsession for her is really anxiety. He might be trying to keep her in check so she doesn't flip and is ignoring you in the process because he knows you aren't off your rocker and won't make a scene.

Maybe he was difficult the day before the graduation because he suspected she'd show up and make a scene -- just as she did...in spite of a judge's order that she not do so...which is pretty disturbing when you put it that way. Or maybe seeing her is (still) just that awful for him because the relationship left him too raw or ended too recently.

If I'm way off, disregard this. But try to figure out for sure if what you're seeing is his way of coping with an explosive or impulsive ex or maybe his own emotional fallout from that rocky relationship. I was  shocked when I realized how emotionally damaged my husband was from that first marriage -- maybe your guy is too.

CLove's picture

With DH. Toxic Trolls abusive behavior coupled with his "pleaser" personality. He has always ben abou "dont rock the boat, dont want to capsize", because she will go into rages when he doesnt do what she wants, when she wants it.

shamds's picture

Add in hcgubm, narcissistic and pas, some bat shit crazy and co (her family), my husband has avoided her and her family like the plague since he initiated their divorce 12 yrs ago which was finalised 11 years ago. 

He has not been in contact or seen her or been in her presence since then... the moment you mention exwife, he tenses up with such anger. He was married for 14 yrs to her, daily abuse, torture, her ruining any relationship with his kids, all 3 kids of theirs take after their mum, not 1 even has a quality of dad... 

she ruined his life and there are times my husband would rather have stayed a bachelor till his late 40s and start married life and having kids with me in his late 40s when he married me. He wasted his life married to her. But she thinks because she was married for 14 yrs and reluctantly had 3 kids with him, that this gives her cart blanche to control and own him for life and his money... she’s petty because she assumed wife gets 50% of everything except courts never ruled in her favour despite being a sahm. She didn’t parent, didn’t do housework, just spent her days shopping and meeting her boyfriends and girlfriends. In court she was all over the place with her primitive lawyer that it made hubbys lawyer easy to win his case but not without a headache of the year

honey quality of marriage and how you manage your relationships and upbringing of kids means way more than number of years... unfortunately courts don’t agree with this