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Do you think PAS is a "tradition" that is handed down from generation to generation?

GoldenGoose's picture

:? :?

Let me preface this blog by saying that I LOVE my FIL.  Some would think that I do not care for my MIL.  I pity her more than anything.  She has a really different way of thinking; she feels the world owes her.  I've come to that conclusion over the last few years.  Of course, in the beginning of my relationship with my DH, I looked forward to having this woman in my life.  I looked forward to telling her that I could think of no prouder moment than to walk side-by-side with her son, for life.  When that moment came, the response was somewhat cold.  As I recall, the response went something like this: "hmph."  For some time, I was confused.  I could think of nothing better than to have a woman tell me that my DS is the light of her life and cannot wait to experience life with him.

Wanting to really work on our relationship, I volunteered to drive MIL's car to her annual summer vacation trip.  She cannot drive long distances, but likes to have her car handy while there.  So, coordinating who is bringing her is no easy feat.  Two people must go: one driving her and the other driving her car.  It is a 3.5 hour travel, each way.  I thought that I would drive my car and my DH would drive her, in her car.  WRONG! LOL

Ok.. No problem.. I can do this.  Before I go into much detail, you must first know that MIL and FIL are divorced.  They live in the same town and on the surface, they have a pleasant relationship.  

After 3.5 hours, in the car, I learned that MIL married FIL to get out of her house(she HATED her  step-father. By her account, he was a cold man, toward her), she moved to a state that she didn't like.  After 13 years of marriage, she felt that FIL and her were better off living apart.  The reason, she reported, was because she felt he was emotionally distant from her.  She divorced him and raised her kids in a town she hated.  Okay.  I am so not judging anyone's reasons for divorce.  What happens behind the closed doors of a relationship, is their business.  At this time, I also learned that SD30 is the absolute light of her life and I was starting to detect the slightest hint that my MIL was irritated with my DH's involvement/role in her upbringing.  She also wanted to have an "official conversation " with me.  Oooooookay.........  She wanted to go on record, with me, about her relationship with BM#1.  She went on to explain that her an BM#1 enjoy each other's company, call each other often and regard each other as "friends.".  She told me at i should have no problem with this.  My response: "and.........". She said that BM#2(AKA troll ) hated MIL because of this relationship with BM#1.  

Okay, I can understand the threat that troll had with BM#1, with regard to MIL and family.  But,  I personally don't care about BM#1's relationship with MIL.  ( please remember this.  It comes into play in future blogs).  I think she was almost disappointed in my lack of jealousy, lack of response, whatever..... I don't care.  I guess apathy is difficult for most people to grapple with.  That's not my problem, though.  Again, I digress....

After 3.5 hours, my ears feel like they are going to bleed.  I need a drink.  And to think, I had to repeat this, in order to bring her back. ( I have since done this 3 more times, since then.  Always, with the same theme; insuring that I understand my role, and everyone else's role, according to MIL).

My FIL: he is a very calm, even-tempered pleasant man.  He has a ready smile and a very easy-going disposition. Every visit, with him, comes without stress.  You get the picture.  My DH is his father's son. 

Over the last few years, at my MIL's table, I have heard my share of digs from MIL about FIL.  My FIL, after 37 years, ungrudgingly, gives my MIL money every Wed., brings her to any doctor appointments, paid the mortgage on the house, pays for any maintenance on the house etc etc.  For all I know, this is part of THEIR dissolution agreement.  Not my business, but I admire his complete ease and acceptance with this agreement.  Sometimes, I just scratch my head and wonder why she would divorce him.  Again, I can't judge.  What happens behind the closed doors of a marriage is that couple's business (I, of course am not referring to abuse.  You know what I mean).

So, as separate people, I prefer the company of my FIL.  He is just an easy person to deal with.  I don't see what MIL is referring to, but okay.  However, what does irritate the living crap out of me, is her constant quips.  I HATE that.  She will make digs about him, when he is brought up in conversation.  I asked my DH if she has always done that and he has confirmed that it has.  He was pretty nonplussed about it. They just considered it "normal.". Ummmm... DH, this is PAS.  I DO NOT support any PAS activity. (as a side note, my own mother has even caught on to this and has brought this to my attention. It makes her uncomfortable.)  

In the beginning, every weekend, we would visit MIL (now, we may go 3-4 times a year).  Sometimes, coincidentally, FIL would stop by.  MIL would roll her eyes, make some disparaging remark under her breath etc.  I asked my DH why we don't visit FIL, separately.  I have no problem visiting MIL, but why is FIL treated differently.  Sooooooo...... About 3 months ago, we decided to take FIL out to lunch, for his birthday; just he, DH and I.  Out of the 3 or so years that I have been with DH, this would be the first time that we have spent solo time with him.  We had a pleasant time, went home, promising that we would do it again, soon.

MIL caught wind of this visit.  She didn't talk to DH for about 6 weeks.  FIL had assumed that we stopped in to see MIL, after our visit with him.  So, when he went to see her for their weekly-lunch-hand-over-the-alimony visit, he asked her about us coming over.  She was offended that we should spend time with FIL and not her. ( we know this because she has made references to this.  My FIL has never told us the content of their conversation).  Okay, I get it.  She is the Queen Bee to her family, but that is not something I am buying into.

In my previous blog, I have referred to a conversation about SDs, that I had with MIL, last week.  During this conversation, she infers that now she knows why FIL was so emotionally detached from her.  She "had always suspected, but now he has confirmed" her suspicions.  I cut her off, before she starts her  PAS bull crap, with me.  "I am not interested in hearing this," I tell her and change the subject.  So, now I think I have figured out why my DH is not really supported by my MIL.  Now, I know why she did not stop the PAS campaign by SD30; to stop it, to be outraged at it, would mean that her behavior was and still is wrong.  That is NEVER going to happen.  My FIL has been vilified, by MIL, for years and no one recognizes it, for what it is. I think, at times, it has been subtle remarks or gestures. But, now that MIL's hierarchal structure has been potentially threatened, and my FIL may be the "top dog" in someone else's eyes.  I feel the PAS engine is only cranking up.  This time, my DH is not in the cross hairs, but rather, my FIL.   

I love when I have epiphanies like this.....  Perhaps, next time she needs a chauffeur, she can ask her other children.  I am not interested.


hismineandours's picture

Isnt it amazing when you can see the generational dysfunction? Whether it is PAS or not? It is just amazing. I've recently had some epiphanies of my own about how incredibly dysfunctional dh's family of origin is. It was kind of one of those "Duh" moments, but truthfully I did not concern myself much with them as there was not a whole lot of contact and not coming from a dysfunctional family myself it was hard for me to realize the marks it leaves on individuals. Now that my ss lives with my inlaws I can see where my dh has gotten some of his less attractive habits and why he chose to parent or rather non parent as he did.

My mil is subtly, or heck maybe not so subtly, PASing ss against her own son along with the not so subtle PAS against me. She is just a total control freak like your mil and is the queen of the family. She is the engineer on the dysfunction train although on the surface you'd think she was the highest functioning member of that family-in reality she is the one that keeps everyone else in their dysfunction. It sounds like your fil is a stand up guy that luckily got the hell away from this nut bag and it also sounds like your dh is aware of what a nut job she is which is why neither one of these men have your mil's stamp of approval. Your sd is probably as crazy as her so she has a "special" relationship with her.

GoldenGoose's picture

OMG, you nailed it! She is the engineer!

My SD30, told me outright, in a conversation we had a few months ago, that she proudly told her DH, that she doesn't need him. He is merely a lump of flesh to her. Nice! I would want to stay married to that? SD30 claims to be an independent, very strong person, who was proudly raised by a strong and independent thinker. She would be referring to BM#1. You have to read my first blog to appreciate that uh... Irony of that remark. LOLOLOL

Auteur's picture

Definitely believe that PAS is handed down generationally. The Behemoth's BM (the Wookie) PASed out the Behemoth against her biodad. The Wookie also lied and said that the Behemoth's biodad didn't pay CS. . .He did! Guess what?

1. The Behemoth's biodad paid CS in the SEVENTIES and EIGHTIES when it was EASY to get out of paying CS (not like it is now)

2. GG's oldest brother, "Seasoned Citizen" told me that the Behemoth's biodad's 2nd wife used to complain about how much CS he in fact WAS sending to the Wookie!!

And here's the SHOCKER!!

3. GG still believes that the WOOKIE is not lying and that the Behemoth's biodad was a no good jerk (as was the PAS campaign by the Wookie)

Funny thing, now that it is happening to GG himself, he has got to WONDER just how accurate the lying bitch Wookie is. Of course he would NEVER admit that his blessed, saintly ex-MIL was wrong, after all she was a "great cook" and acted very "motherly" toward GG :sick: :sick: :sick:

Another funny thing. . .The Behemoth's biodad is now back in the picture and is "allowed" to babysit the granddemons (mostly Prince Hygiene who is stb 9)

GoldenGoose's picture

Wow!! :jawdrop: :jawdrop: :jawdrop:

GoldenGoose's picture

I think he sees it, but it is almost too painful for him to totally admit it to himself. He can re ognize bits and pieces, but to ultimately understand that she was backing the SD's campaign? I don't think he is there, yet. I am not pushing it. I think in due time, he will fully process it. For now, he is beginning to see his mother's manipulation of our time. She is indeed, the puppet master. Dare I say it? I now see why the troll disliked her. I never fathomed the thought that I would agree with the troll! LOLOL

GoldenGoose's picture

My FIL was looked upon as the ATM machine and now my MIL expects my DH to be the new ATM machine, because she thinks that it is time for DH to step up as the new cash cow. Unfortunately, for her, his wallet is not opening with the same generosity as my FIL's did. They blame me. I am the bad guy. Oh well... LOL

GoldenGoose's picture

No, he never remarried. I have heard stories of him, watching my DH and SIL's baseball games, from a folding chair, in the outfield. He would never be told, but somehow he would know. He always made it to their games. After the game was over, he would quietly disappear into the crowd. Once we were talking about this, at my MIL's dining room table. She rolled her eyes and sighed as if the story was somehow ridiculous. It broke my heart. I know things would have been different, had he remarried. I know my MIL knows that.