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question for those in non-custodial situations regarding bdays/holidays

msg1986's picture

For those of you that have spouses who are the non-custodial parent, how do you handle holiday gifts/birthday parties? Do you go all out for everything even though skid gets this w/ custodial parent? Bm is a POS but she does like to go all out for holidays/bdays so that she can show everyone how great of a mom she is because of what she buys him for xmas/bday etc. I guess I ask this because now w/ Dd (mine and dh's bio daughter) here I wonder if I'm supposed to encourage equal gifts/parties even though Ss will be getting double. I love Ss and I don't ever want him to feel like he's getting the shaft but I am concerned as to how this will affect my daughter. I know, I know, things will NEVER be equal and/or fair because we are in a step family situation but I'm just curious what you guys do. For instance this year we probably aren't going to have Ss for Easter (long story) are we supposed to go all out and by him a basket even though he won't be with us or should we just get him something small or even anything at all being that he won't be here? (I use this example because the past weekend he was pretty much demanding a basket full of goodies) This also concerns me because if everyone is going all out for him, I fear he will think he is superior to Dd and will voice that in the future.

Anyway, any comments appreciated. Dh is working nights and I can't sleep thus here I am, Stalking Smile


luchay's picture

For birthdays I'd do a family party if BM is throwing him a big fancy bash. No need to go all out and make it an extravaganza, just invite over some rellies from yours and dad's side and have cake and some presents. Last year BM didn't give the skids parties because she took them on an 18 day tour of the US - Disneyland, Las Vegas, etc. So they conned OH into making us throw them full on parties.

This year we are taking my dd's to Disneyland (8 days - dance tour) so we have said NO parties this year. The skids are still expecting us to throw them parties, even though BM will be as well.

I have made it clear to OH - NO parties. But I know he will cave and say "lets just have a bunch of their friends sleepover, and do games etc at home" He doesn't get that those parties still cost upwards of $150 and take time and energy (MINE) So, NO. My kids aren't getting parties, no way in hell will the skids.

Easter, I do buy the same exact for the skids as my bios. But the difference is both sets of kids here have OTHER parents buying for them as well, your DD won't have that, so I would get her more on that premise, same with Christmas.

msg1986's picture

Okay that makes sense, thank you Smile I don't see the point in throwing a big party if skid is already getting one w/ Bm, just seems like too much.

Thank you for clarifying w/ buying more for Dd for the holidays. I thought about that but didn't know if it seemed unfair. I just can't see myself treating Ss equal when I know full well that he gets/will get way more than her.

msg1986's picture

Hi Taushalove, thank you for your insight Smile My Ss seems to be developing into a greedy spoiled boy and I don't want to contribute to that. We did have him a big party last year because we didn't think bm was doing anything big but low and behold he got two full on bashes. From now on, I feel like small gatherings should be in order because It is waaaay too exhausting.

askYOURdad's picture

Birthdays- We have bios full time and SDs 50/50. BM does the all out birthday bashes for them. I have always done simple family parties for my boys, but when they started school I threw them a big party. I sat down with SDs and just explained: Bios are having a party at such and such place, of course I want you guys there so it's going to be on DH's weekend. I want you to understand that bios aren't getting "more" than you, but that parties are something that the mom usually handles and your mom handles yours. If I didn't do one for bios they wouldn't get a party at all and if I do a big one for you guys then you will get two, it's not fair to ask your friends to come to two parties and bring you two gifts. You each got to do xyz last year with your mom. They were fine with it. When their birthdays rolled around we did the family thing and I let them have their cousins sleepover.

As for the holidays. We keep them fair amongst all of the kids. Maybe it would be different if we didn't do them at the same time, but we always do so we just try to keep it fair. I would say get your SS a small basket, include him in egg coloring and no need to go above and beyond all of that.