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I just feel so sad :(

msg1986's picture

Since all the drama that happened this weekend I can't help but feel so so sad about the whole situation. I am supposed to be starting my period soon also so maybe these heightend emotions are because of that too but have you ever felt like everyone on your SO's side is starting to dislike you because you're SO is setting boundaries? I feel like everyone thinks I'm just a bitch and that I'm the one making FDH set boundaries... and I guess in a sense I am. As things have progessed with our relationship I have let him know what I will and will not tolerate with his mom and BM and have let him know that if he cannot live with what my expectations are that he should move on, he's also done the same thing with things he won't tolerate. So now that he's trying to set these boundaries he really doesn't talk to his mom, his step dad, his sister and her husband (things with his dad/SM/2 younger sisters are great because they don't have boundary issues) because they are so prying. Things with BM have also gotten worse because he's not bowing down to her anymore. Maybe because I'm just feeling extra sensitive but I guess I feel like because I'm in his life it's making it harder for him to get along with his own family because he's trying to protect or life/privacy/home life with me. I sit with tears streaming down my face because I love this man so very much but at the same time I just feel like this is so hard and I want him to be able to get along with his family and also BM for the sake of his kid. I hate the feeling that everyone thinks I'm an asshole.

Have you ever felt this way? Am I stupid for letting what other people may think about me affect me? I'm just a mess right now. I wish I could have a normal relationship with my BF. I wish his mom could learn that children grow up and move on. I wish BM was a normal rational person. I wish FDH was responsible when he was younger instead of having kids with such a crazy person. Sad


Onefootout's picture

Doormatnomore, can you tell me the author of that book? TherE are at least a couple of books with that title on amazon. Thanks!

oneoffour's picture

It is his choice if he wants to change his ways or not. He could quite easily tell you "No, sorry. I need my mother to wipe my bum and pack my snack box for work. This is just the way we are." But he hasn't. He is working at making boundaries.

And quite frankly if rescuing him from this dysfunctional life makes you a bitch then so be it. If wishes were horses, beggars would ride. You cannot make people into who you think they should be. I made some changes around here that put a tailspin on BMs stealth broomstick. My s/sons were not impressed and whined to their mother. Too bad. This is the 'right' way to do things so get over it.... And they did. And BM crawled back into her house and leaves us alone.

It doesn't need screaming fits on your part, just passive resistance.
So eat a bar of chocolate, pour yourself a large drink and watch a tear jerker movie and cry all your tension out.

stepmomto3bioto1's picture

^^^^ agree!!

My DH is also setting up boundaries with his family & BM. They dont like it in the beginning when they start to realize that they are no longer hilding all the power, so they narurally need a scapegoat & us SMs make an easy available target. Boundaries are established to help & to protect. I agree, they usually do escalate before it gets better. BM is a huge control freak & it totally flipped her lid when DH started standing up to her! Frankly the man took his balls back & stopped letting her manipulate the situation. She used to call, text, email non freaking stop. Even after she remarried. It took about a month, maybe two for her to realize DH was no longer on demand to her. She went totally crazy nutso when DH put down boundaries & no longer took her phone calls & she was sent to vmail & DH would only email her back!! She even called me 40 some times in one day & her vmails were awful. So I blocked her! Slowly & surely she started to realize it wasnt working anymore for her. Ha!

Things will get better. It just takes a little time. & it sounds like your DH is seeing with his own eyes the dysfunction. Just support him thru it & it Will get better!!
& (Hugs) about the Pms thing. Chocolate or a glass of wine always is eagerly enjoyed by me when that happens to me Wink

StickAFork's picture

It's tough. I'm a big proponent of letting your partner be their authentic self. I don't want to change my DH...I fell in love with him without changing him, so why do it after the fact?
However, I had boundaries of what *I* would allow in *my* life, and he could either get on board or get left behind. (Not really...I love him enough to figure it out.)
Anyway, my ILs didn't really HAVE boundaries with DH and BM. DH and BM married very young because she was pregnant. They started out "needing help" and the relationship with his parents never really grew past that.
Need a car? ILs would buy one, get paid back.
Need another car? Same thing.
Need a house? Same thing.
Need a job? Go work for us.
DH and BM did finally move a few hundred miles away from them, but it never really stopped. DH and BM finally bought a house on their own, but ILs bought BOTH skids a car when THEY thought they were ready. (Parents be damned.)

I came along, new woman after a 19 year marriage. I don't think they knew what to make of me. We were going to take a trip to see them. They *insisted* on making the reservations at the hotel for us, the golf reservations, etc. When I found out, I told DH NO WAY. I'm a big girl, I can reserve my own hotel!! And pay for it. Wink

We moved in together a few months before we married. We did not share a room, even sleeping on different floors in the home. (We weren't going to be "sleeping together" with the kids in the home.) Anyway, BM TOLD DH that he and SD should have one floor and I and my kids should have another floor, and we should prepare meals separately and use the separate living areas (one on each floor.) Woman's got brass cajones.

I called them right up and said that this was the first and only time I would justify my choices to them, and explained why who was where in the home. I told her from then on, our business was our business. We lived our life, we paid our own bills, and that was that.

Yeah, we haven't really been bosom buddies since... but those boundaries were MY boundaries. I didn't feel like I was "forcing" DH to have boundaries with them.

I hope that all made at least a little sense.

doll faced sm's picture

I do feel that way because I know it's true. DH will *not* set boundaries with his family, and he used to always complain about things. Then I started setting boundaries for him and told him to blame it on me b/c I don't care if I'm the bad guy or not. Also, I don't like the *vast* majority of his family, but that's another story. Anyway, in my situation, it's been great. They don't like me, so they don't talk to me, and there is peace in our house. Win/win!

msg1986's picture

Thank you so much to everyone that commented, it helped so much. I was a mess that day. Thank you again.

Tuff Noogies's picture

any time someone enforces a boundary, there is bound to be pushback. they'll get over it if there is no other option. but in the meantime, yes you are the easy target. no way around that. i'm in the same situation with MIL. it is not a fun position to be in, but if our DH's are consistent i do believe thing's will fall into place. if not, then they are estranging themselves from u, not vice versa, and they have a right to make that decision, not my burden to carry.