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Skids and their offspring

morrginme's picture

I need insight into this situation. I'm having trouble seeing things plainly.

SS25 broke up with his gf and needed a place to stay for a couple of weeks. Naturally that was - many weeks ago. Every weekend he has his son who is 6. DD10 plays with him until she wants to do something else or he gets too rude and argumentative for her to stand. For example like today he started calling her pets rude names and she asked him to stop because she didn't like it. So he started doing it more like he usually does when asked to stop doing something. She told him she is done playing and going to her room. Then he gets all mad and says she is mean and rude because she won't play with him. Next he goes upstairs to his dad and tells him she is being mean and won't play with him. Eventually he gets bored and starts knocking on her door. I can tell him him to stop but he he gives it a moment and starts it right back up again. He does the same thing when DH tells him to leave her alone too. 

I told DH today that the new rule will be that whenever the kid goes outside or downstairs SS has to be with him.

SD and I are not his babysitters.  I'm not going through having a bratty child around that has no consequences , constantly lies when things don't go their way, and casts others as the bad guy. I went through that with SD and not doing it ever again. I sure as he'll not letting anyone put DD through it.

DH said he will talk to SS.

SS might easily get defensive and angry. SS might not want to live here anymore! 

I'm also getting upset about possibly getting exposed to COVID. I dont want to be paranoid. DH, me, and DD stay close to home. We visit on very rare occasions with one or two friends (always the same ones) and that's it. We don't gather in groups, keep outings to a minimum,  etc.  SS on the other hand goes and hangs out all night with different friends, a couple of times a week and tonight he is out on a date.  I understand he's at that age, but there is a pandemic going on and he should be saving his money to get his own place. 

I'm so tired of DH saying he talked with any of them. Talking is only good if a consequence follows. Otherwise words mean nothing.


JRI's picture

I am flashing back to my own bad self when I moved back with my parents while going thru my divorce.  Me, BS6 and BD4 with my parents and their other 3 kids, all in a small house.  Morrhonme, I was clueless.  Im guessing your SS is clueless, too.

Here is what my mom did.  First thing was she found me a nursery school for BD (BS. was in school all day).  I thought it was great, now I realize she was fed up with babysitting. A few months later, she found a good plave for us to move (I'd had to stay til end of school year).  Undoubtedly, she was disgusted with my whole situation (messy divorce, my so so housekeeping, my poor judgement, etc).

I'd get with DH and see what you can do to help him move on.  He might be like me, too clueless.

morrginme's picture

I was clueless with my mom too. She never made me uncomfortable enough to want to leave. I would still do all the yard work, we took turns cooking dinner and doing dishes. I repIred or got someone to repair things that need fixed.  SS (and his brother SS23) don't lift a finger. They never touch dishes, take out the trash, no yard work, no cleaning up after pets. Nothing at all. Im getting really resentful towards them. I probably should have included this with the rest of my post.

Rumplestiltskin's picture

Yep, both times i moved back home after age 21, once with kids, it was my mom who gave me that extra little "push" to leave the nest. My parents were and are still together and nobody tiptoed around me. It's not just stepparents who get tired of it. 

Kes's picture

The main thing is that, as you say, you and your DD are not the 6 yr old boy's babysitters.  Fair enough to give your adult child a place to stay for a few weeks when their relationship breaks down, but SS25 needs to have a plan in place to get himself and his son out of your house.  It sounds as if he is a bit too comfortable with you and DH, treating the place like an hotel and not contributing anything. 

tog redux's picture

Yes, OP - what is the plan? He's not going to ever leave if he's living there rent-free, has zero responsibilities, AND you and DD take over his visitation for the weekend so he can sit there with his feet up, or whatever he's doing.

It's one thing to offer an adult child this support in an intact family, but not when there is a stepparent involved. In that case, it's intruding on your space and making you uncomfortable. Time to have it out with DH about first, demanding rent and help around the house from SS (and that he watch his son on the weekends that he's there), and second, a move out plan that's fairly quick.

morrginme's picture

He gave us $200 for rent this month and it did help. But we are still paying for the power, internet, food, and garbage. He's throwing all his cigarette butts out on the ground, leaving beer cans outside and in the shower, using our laundry detergent (when I'm not finding his clothes in our laundry), bringing his dog to stay on weekends (which eats our dog's food), and having us dealing with his kid. 

We've always lived paycheck to paycheck. Last month DH and I both found ourselves unemployed. Both of us are job searching like crazy. DH does manual labor and recently ruptured his bicep. SS23 and SS25 have not stepped in to help make the money we needed to make rent from selling firewood. DH has always done this to help make ends meet. He falls the trees, bucks them, splits the wood, and then delivers to buyers. Both boys know how to do this too but never helped even when DH asked them for help. SS23 can't get off the internet long enough to help and SS25 is too busy partying with all the extra income he's got from living with us.

I dont do extended family living. I dont do it with my own family and dont want to do it with anyone else either.

Its so hard to have any respect for or feel intimate with DH when he has very little respect for himself. If he did he wouldn't let other people even if they are family treat him and the rest of us this way.

JRI's picture

Is this something he is adamant about (SS living there) or is it just something that evolved?  Time for a serious talk with DH to get you both on the same page about the launch plan.

Speaking of respect, I get where you are coming from with the lax attitude toward SS.  But I greatly respect him for doing whatever it takes, whatever manual labor is available, to support his family.  Many unemployed men are "too good" to accept whatever is available.  Hes a good guy.

morrginme's picture

I can attempt to talk to DH many times with all different types of approaches. Most often he agrees with me but then nothing happens and nothing changes.