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As summer turns to fall, a reminder for Fiancé

Aunt Agatha's picture

As some of you may remember, my fiancé's 18 YO stole some airplane bottles of alcohol in Jan from me, several months after having gotten in trouble for bringing alcohol to school for a field day.  Heck, this kid does something idiotic and stupid just about every 6 months.   Nothing she does is too serious, but I draw the line at theft (and frankly suspect she's stolen from us before, but wasn't able to catch her in the act).

Since then, I've had a hard rule she is not allowed to be in the house alone, period.  I've been nothing but kind, so won't put up with that BS.

Anyhow, she's now graduated high school and is preparing to go about 3.5 hours away for university.  After a small kerfluffle where she tried to  get fiancé to drive to graduation with her crazy pants mom (only 2 guests were allowed at the distanced graduation) and was told absolutely he was not driving nor sitting with his ex, and skid admitted she didn't want to have to be around her mom alone (he still refused), this summer has been low key.  

I've only seen the skids twice this summer. They did finally come over for a weekend visit but spent all their time in their room as usual, so I explained again how it's not worth them visiting and the risk of us getting sick if they don't even spend time with him.  They are all now teens and two of the three work summer jobs (the youngest isn't old enough to work this year). So odds they have time off together are low anyway.

Fiance and I were talking yesterday about what happens if the oldest's university goes online only in a month.  He said that she could just move in with us.  At which point, after I was done laughing I pointed out she had stolen from me, and I was not living with someone I couldn't trust.  

After a bit of a show cukes look and a few sputters, he suggested she could get an apartment with friends. She doesn't want to live with her mother as all they do is fight.  Granted her mom is full on crazy, but oldest also baits her.  But not my problem, and I'm not taking skid on as an adult woman.

Please, keep your fingers crossed that her university does offer classes on campus!  It'll be best for her to get out of her moms house, and she needs a plan that does not involve mine.


Kes's picture

Well done for telling your fiance where to get off on the "she can live with us" plan.  I'm surprised he even said that, tbh - doesn't he realise how you feel about her?   We moved house to a bigger place in the country, 2 months ago, and before we even got here I told DH that there was absolutely no way that SD25 was ever staying here, aside from a weekend visit once in a blue moon.   She lives with NPD BM, but the two of them are both high conflict and I can see NPD throwing SD25 out at some point - it's happened before.  Goddess forbid that she get her own place - she's only 25!!  

Aunt Agatha's picture

After the theft, I told him I wasn't comfortable having her in the house alone.  It's a long story, but the prior theft was two Valiums I had for a work trip to Asia to sleep on the plane (last year long before the virus).  The vial and tablets disappeared from the group of things I had set aside to take.  Of course, I was told I must have thrown them away.  Since they were missing after one of the skids visits and we know because she's told us about going through her moms medication, well it's not hard to put those together.  But because I had no proof, I never confronted her.  But he knew at the time and after the alcohol issue that I was not comfortable and recsinded an initial offer to let her move in for this summer once she stole from us.

But I'm not comfortable living with an adult who I know steals, goes through things that aren't hers and picks fights with her mother.  Not worth it to be uncomfortable when I do t trust that person. 

Kes's picture

SD23 used to steal from us when she was a teenager.  After a while we had to lock the alcohol in the cellar and hide the key in an old curry tin!   I even caught her stealing a CD once as she was leaving to get driven back to NPD's house by DH - she took it from the rack and hid it inside her jacket.  

I remember you talking about the theft of the valium.  And I completely agree, I would never feel comfortable either.   I felt sure they would go through my stuff when I was out.  A few times I missed things, I was never sure it was them but I had strong suspicions. 

ITB2012's picture

One of the skids went through my stuff, and one of them stole something of DSs a couple years ago. DH was upset I put locks on the closet doors. Too bad. 

And much of college will be online for OSS and DS. OSS is going to live in the dorms. DS, XH, and I don't think a close-quarters, multi student place is a good idea. But we disagree on DS living at home. XH and his GF think DS should live at home for safety and to save money. DS and I think he should live on his own because he's an adult and living at home would be difficult, plus he will be exposed to a lot more people if class is in person and could quarantine on his own in an apartment. He found a great little studio. It may be lonely if all classes are online but he has friends in town and he can come see us. 
Additionally, I'm ready for him to be gone. I was a year ago when he left for college. In my mind that's what I signed up for: get him through HS and then help him be out on his own. He's been here since Xmas break and it's time for him to be on his own again. 

lieutenant_dad's picture

This was going to be the plan with OSS if he couldn't live on campus (which I'm not a fan of him doing, but as a freshman with in-person classes, the school didn't give him a choice). He needs to get away from the parental safety net. DH was going to take the money that would have gone toward room and board and put it towards an apartment for him instead. He needs to launch, whether that be into dorms or an apartment. Living at home is not a good option for OSS for a multitude of reasons.

AA, you're spot on with what you're doing. She has options even without your home being one of them. Actions have consequences, and this is the consequence of those actions. I think there are bioparents who would act similarly.

Gimlet's picture

I had the same plan for DD, who did end up in the dorms for two years and then a campus apartment.  She grew up so much during those years and was ready to face the world as an adult at the end of it.  No regrets.

Also agree that AA is spot on. 

JRI's picture

I feel like i am in your skin with the sneaky, thieving SD and the father who keeps the door open.  He hears you, officially, but there is something in him wanting to keep the door open for his little girl.  It is SO aggravating.  As a 75-yo whose SD has moved in and out more times than I can remember stealing my jewelry and silver the last time, I can promise this is not the last time you will have to hold this boundary with him.  We ended up subsidizing and it's worth every penny.

TheAccidentalSM's picture

If you can afford it, subsidize.  It will help them to grow up and keep them out of your peaceful house.

CLove's picture

Feral Forger SD21, she started her criminal career back in her teens. Was caught on camera at a local department store that happened to be a chain. They had previously seen her TWICE before. BUT, because she had cash in her wallet, they couldnt take it any further than a fine of $250. Which mom and dad paid. This was at 17.5 years, so she was still a minor.

She grifted, er drifted off for a while after high school graduation, and we didnt hear from her for over a year. Then she moved in with her mother, because she didnt want to work things out with me. Well, in addition to their weekly fights, Feral Forger stole checks and cashed them at a few different banks. I think shes still paying her mother back. Except for some reason, even before C-19, she didnt want to work a regular job (because she would have to give her mother money). So now she is drifting and grifting along somewhere far away and has even threatened to move out!

Munchkin SD14is very excited at this prospect, as Feral Forger would routinely go through her things and take what she wanted.

So, without repercussions, they will continue that pathway, and it WILL escalate...

SacrificialLamb's picture

Hearing these stories makes me so glad my children (and especially DH's) are adults!!!  I cannot imagine having someone who hates me in my home, and then have to deal with that person wanting to come and go at everyone else's expense.

My poor OSD45 is having to help her children homeschool; she had to cancel her country club membership for the summer, poor thing.

futurobrillante99's picture

Bahahahaha!! Sweet karma. Poor thing had to cancel her country club membership and is homeschooling. I love it.

SacrificialLamb's picture

AND, her DH had to take a 30% pay cut!  She is SO WORRIED about her beach vacation in October in an epicenter state. Not worried about the effects of covid internationally/globally, but worried about her vacation.  Poor thing.