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This Never Ends

debiamia's picture

I need help with this one. BD22 and I were on the phone planning our weekend together. I will drive to KY. to see her new apt., where she works at the university (she graduated from college in May) and play with my "grandpuppy". When I hung up I saw that DH was talking to SD20. DH hangs up the phone and immediately starts telling me that I am not going to like what he is going to tell me. I try guessing. Is SD17 pregnant? After all she lives with her 20 year old boyfriend. No he says. Thank God, I breathe easier. SS27 has gotten his GF/fiance pregnant. This girl already has one kid from another guy and was bugging SS27 about having another baby and we warned him not to do this until they got married if they ever do.

SS27 is Bipolar and currently stable but doesn't like to take any meds.Long ago DH formed the opinion that SS probably cannot handle the responsibilities of parenthood and urged him to use birth control. His fiance/GF works 20 hours a week at a Pizza SHop, has no education beyond HS, no health insurance. SS makes $10.00 and hour, no education and no real job skills but has held the same job for 15 months which is a record for him. He also has no health insurance.

We had a long discussion about social class and while DH came from a very poor family he has been able to graduate from college, has a high paying job and is well known in his field. The rest of his family struggle with everything in their lives and we are often helping them out of financial situations. We doubt that SS will marry this girl because she wants to wait until after the baby is born. I think it is tacky because she will have two kids tugging on her white wedding gown.

Right now I just want to walk away from this whole situation, I cannot share in the "joy" of this girl having a baby under such circumstances. I feel like we will be called on to pay for things the baby needs. How can I expect DH to turn away from his grandchild? Help!!

Comments

TheSaneOne's picture

And if it was your child in this situation you wouldn't bat an eye to help. Just becuase you don't like the fact that she has two kids out of wedlock you want to tell your husband that he cant help this innocent baby that is his own flesh and blood????

I have been there and done that....Been in her shoes - she is probably wnting to wait to get married so that she can get the state's help verses a parent/stepparents help. At least she can get Wic and medicaid until she gets on her feet - and believe it or not she just might do that and your stepson might take responsability.

and by all means - if it cuts into your lifestyle to offer diapers or clothes then by all means, don't do it.

sparky's picture

You can't expect him to walk away from his flesh and blood. Help when you can and if you can and if not leave it alone.

undertaker girl's picture

kids having kids..i cannot stand it. yeah, they may step up and take responsibility, or they may not. the BM i deal with is dying to have another kid, and she can barely support herself..and trust me, we've heard it MANY times how she wants to be a great mom and turn her life around...STILL HASNT HAPPENED. old habits are heard to break. i may sound old fashioned, but personally i dont think i can ever have a child until i am married. its sad that even BFs 5 yr old son thinks you dont have to be married to have kids, BM is a GREAT example of what that can be like.
of course DH doesnt want to turn his back on his grandchild, but if SS doesnt take responsibility, he can be totally taken advantage of.

justwantpeace2's picture

I don't think that anyone should have a child unless they fully expect to provide for it. When you allow yourself to continually be available to provide for adult family members, then you will always be expected to provide. It doesn't matter whether this is your child or not. I think I would close the bank as far as the other family members are concerned. It has been my experience that many times people don't have money because they don't try to be frugal with what they do have. They blow their money on stupid stuff because they deserve to have fun or whatever their excuse is. Then when the important bills are due they don't have enough to cover them. Well, if they don't have someone to constantly bail them out they might learn to be more responsible with their money.

KeeKee's picture

for being the voice of reason here. I was quite appalled at the first two responses. There is offering constructive criticism and then there is a total disregard for what someone is trying to express.

And when someone dares to post here, they are usually at their lowest and most vunerble. I know that this is a public form and yadda, yadda, yadda but the least we can do is treat each other with respect. PLEASE.

Debia, don't let anyone have the power to make you feel guilty over a situation that you had no control over in the first place. Everyone else in your situation is choosing their own life paths...why wouldn't you have the same right? If you do things "their way" it seems that everyone's life will be diminished but if you do things your way then not only would you be happier and in more control of your own life but the residuals might come to infect some of those around you.

Good Luck... I'm in a situation very similar to yours....so I truly understand.

KeeKee I hope this makes sense(it kinda does to me)

sparky's picture

Instead of coming on this forum and disrespecting other people maybe people should actually read what was said.
" How can I expect DH to turn away from his grandchild? Help!!"
I, have walked in her shoes and I, have experience in this type of thing. Did I expect my H to walk away from his son and his grandchild, no. We did help when we could, but they knew the responsbility belonged to them.

Angel's picture

exactly the same way. Responsible parenting should come from the parents----not the grandparents.

Talk to your dh and share your concerns and see what he feels "obligated" to do. If that is more than you can deal with---=the choice is yours.

new_step_mommy's picture

I agree 100% with vickmeister. We were the "bank" of my family for awhile until I put my foot down. I feel for you Debia. I think that you should sit down and talk to your DH and see what his expectations are and what he wants to do.

Wish you tons of luck.

debiamia's picture

several of you offered. I was weekend manager on Sat. and Sun. so I just read the comments. Yes, the baby is an innocent bystander in this mixed up situation. I would never deny the infant something it truly needed but I don't want to give these two the impression that we condone bringing a baby into the world and not supporting it. We have not heard the official news from SS27. DH thinks he is scared to tell us.SS knows his dad will not be happy about the news.I am a bit miffed that this young woman chose to call SD20 and have her call DH to break the news.I have seen her my space site and her friends are all congratulating her. I must be getting old because I don't think it is good to be 23, unmarried with a 2 year old and pregnant with no money or means to support another mouth to feed. We are also worried that the responsibility of a kid may push SS27 over the edge.As far as me feeling different about the situation if it was my BD the writer was dead wrong. I have always told my daughter that if she makes a choice like that then be prepared to deal with it.Same conversation my mom had with me and I knew that I would never want to come home and drop that news on my parents.

We will be having the money conversation tonight.

Tara12's picture

My sister has two daughters. One was married had two girls and leads a nice happy life and my sister is a wonderful grandmother. Her other daughter is now pregnant with baby number 3 from a third father - never married any of the guys she has been with and inadverntly ALWAYS winds up back living with my sister - she is almost 30. My sister loves her grandchildren but she has practically raised those girls and given them so much and my niece is just so ungrateful for everything her and her husband do. It is just never enough. I can totally understand where you are coming from and I don't have any advice to give above what everyone else here has said but I just wanted to let you know that you have every right to feel the way that you do because these "kids" aren not responsible enough to have a child and you and your DH ARE GOING TO BE doing a lot. Of course you will love that new grandchild but be prepared!

Angel's picture

55 years old. None of my children 28, 29, and 30 have children. ALL COLLEGE GRADS, ALL HAVE GOOD JOBS. I will retire soon, I'LL BE DAMNED IF ONE OF THEM DOES SOMETHING THEY WILL REGRET and make ME responsible for their failures!

I will be moving to Europe to enjoy my retirement. I gave it my all when they were babies and that is all I can give! They are all happy and working!

MY TURN!!!!!!!

debiamia's picture

with all of your comments.DH is feeling guilty over marrying SS27's mother and bringing him into the world. BM is extremely dysfunctional, and alcoholic and a poor choice of a mate. Over the years DH has tried to impress upon SS27 to carefully choose who he has children with. We know that SS's emotional problems como think about e from being raised in a bad enviroment and has alot of baggage. HIs girlfriend definately planned this pregnancy because SS told us in June that she wanted to have another baby so her kids would be 3 years apart. He is responsible for the baby being made as he did nothing to stop the conception. DH says he doesn't want to think about what the child's life will be like if they break up and she has kicked him out of the apt. twice already. We'll see what the week brings......

frustratedinMA's picture

Debiamia, I agree w/Vick and the others.. You are justified in your feelings of wanting to know when it ends. My sister got pregnant w/her bf (now DH) and had no job, was going to school full time.. at the age of 32.. had been divorced once already. I was FLOORED that she and her bf PURPOSELY got pregnant, because in her words, it was a good time.

My parents help the best they can, but it wasnt their choice.. and I feel bad for my mom and dad. My mom leaves work early regularly to sit the baby while my sister goes to her waitressing job and her dh goes to work. They also eat dinner almost NIGHTLY at my mom and dad's.. so they dont have to buy groceries. and on and on. I love my nephew.. I think he is the most adorable little guy.. but god.. his parents are CLUELESS and I see my parents helping raise a child, when they should be enjoying life.

You are entitled to your feelings, do not let anyone take that away from you.