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Alcohol and the Cool Parent

morrginme's picture

I'm not against alcohol and I'm not for it either. I like an occasional drink. I have nothing bad to say about people who drink more frequently than me. What I'm not ok with is minors drinking alcohol. Teenagers don't have fully developed brains. They are impulsive and make poor choices. Alcohol intoxication can and often causes loss of inhibitions and impulsive behavior.

So why would a parent buy alcohol for a teenager? The only reason I can think of is they want to look cool to their child. They want the admiration and approval. I understand that some parents let their kid have an occasional drink at home, but I'm not talking about that type of situation. I'm talking about kids that ask their parents for alcohol so they can party with their friends wherever that may be.

I'm on this rant because earlier today DH tells me he missed a call today from the police calling about SD17. As usual DH felt the best action in this type event is no action. I wanted him to call back and find out what its about. Not only was I curious to find out if miss innocent finally had the law after her (petty I know), but I also wanted to know in case I needed to do damage control against who knows what legal mess SD might be sending our way. It was obvious DH wasn't going to return the call so I suggested he call SD and ask her why the police might be calling him about her. I already knew she was incapable of being honest, but usually she has a small amount of truth to her stories.

Well DH liked this idea very much and immediately gave her a call. Afterwards I asked him what happened. He said not to worry its already been handled. I decided to not give it any more energy than I already had and left it at that.

Few seconds later DH's phone rings and I can tell he's talking to SD. She's making some request of him that requires him to drive into town. He starts talking quietly and then ends the call.  Now I know SD had gotten in trouble some how with the law and was feeling the heat. She was nervous. I know this because whenever SD is under scrutiny for something and tells a fake story she always makes some request of the person she is trying to manipulate into believing her. Its some smart trick she's got that helps ensure she has the full support of the people she lies to. It gets their attention off recent events having to do with her that might not make complete sense and instead their focus is directed towards helping her. The bigger the request the better and this time it was a really  big one.

So DH comes into the room and says he has to go to town. He isn't providing details which makes me curious. I already knew he was meeting SD, big deal, why the secrecy? He tells me she wants him to buy her wine coolers. I couldn't believe he thought this was an ok thing to do. Like this was a being a good parent or something. He said in the past he did it for the other kids (look where they are in life I thought) and I told him that that's a lame excuse to buy a minor alcohol.

I decided he just wants her to think he is cool. He wants her approval. He wants her to think and speak of him with fondness to other people (her usual way is to try and convince everyone that he and I are monsters that abuse her and always try to make her feel bad about herself. She even chose a new dad. Its her moms ex boyfriend. He writes SD from prison. Calls her his darling daughter and gushes about amazing he thinks she is and is very proud of her and how she puts up with all of us). 

I want to look to DH with pride. Instead I keeping feeling these feelings of disgust. How can I respect a man whose brains fall out whenever it comes to a child manipulating him. Is he that insecure about himself? He's always frustrated at me because I'm rarely in the mood. I just don't see dumb decisions and weak parenting as being attractive in a man.

I need Christmas vacation to end so I can go back to work and not have so much idle time with my own thoughts.


notsurehowtodeal's picture

Is he not worried about legal liability? If he buys her alcohol, and she gets in trouble and admits where it came from, he could be charged with a crime. He could also face civil charges.

I completely understand your feelings. I would have no respect for a man who did this. He is a complete idiot.

As a side note - "wine coolers" are very difficult to find anymore. They became too expensive to make. Most fruity drinks w/carbonation are "beer" based. Don't let him try and tell you they are less dangerous than other forms of liquor.

morrginme's picture

I was thinking all these things too. Its also below freezing here. How does he know she won't go and drive drunk?

Wine coolers? Sounds so mild dont they? I haven't seen those in a long time either. My thoughts were they will probably be Mike's Hard whatever.

I feel bad for anyone who finds themselves in her presence when she is drunk because I can't stand her even when she is sober.

Catmom024's picture

Holy sh*t!!!!  He ignores a phone call from the police about his child?!  He buys her alcohol??!!  Wow.  I'd be worried about any liability from that affecting you.

I'd be really concerned that guy in prison was somehow grooming her.  It's really sad your DH can't see what's happening because he's in some sort of popularity contest.

He needs to do his job as a parent.  He's failing miserably.  

Winterglow's picture

Oh wow, and your husband is cool with his daughter choosing a lowlife like this for her new daddy? Just wow. She's a minor - does he not understand that his job is to keep her safe? My bad, I forgot that he thinks she knows best... I suppose that's why he goes and buys her booze. He's supposed to be the adult here. 

You have my sympathy - good luck to you. 

Winterglow's picture

OP, I realize that came off harsh, but it wasn't intended for you. Your husband is the problem here. 

Wicked stepmo.'s picture

Yep I can so relate. I told SO the other day I am less attracted to him than I used to be because I have no respect for him and find his role as a doormat to SD to be sad and pitiful.  I then told him he needs to dust the door prints off his back.

I have to ask do you also have to deal with your DH lying to you when he gets caught doing something stupid for SD. Once you call him on it and he realizes how stupid it was, does he try to make excuses or deny he did it?

morrginme's picture

He's stopped lying for her. Now he just withholds information unless he's directly asked.

tog redux's picture

In many places, it's legal for parents to buy their own kids alcohol - in my state, they can even drink it elsewhere other than the home. It's not okay to buy it for their friends, so if he knows it's going to friends, then he's risking some legal liability.

That being said, yes, it's ridiculous for him to drive to get her alcohol and bring it to her. But I'd feel the same way if he drove out and got her a pizza and brought it to her.

justmakingthebest's picture

Wow. I kiinndda get parents that will let an older teen have a small glass of wine or part of A beer at home with them but purposefully buying a 17 yr old wine coolers (ps- that's gross, if she is going to drink at least don't drink wine coolers LOL)!?!?

I just can't see how he thought that doing this is acceptable at all. I understand your disgust and loss of respect for him not only as a father but as a man. 

simifan's picture

My ex & I have always allowed BS to occasionally try alcohol, but always with a parent and not leaving the home. My husband is a craft beer guy so often had something different to sample. However, not monitoring what a minor drinks  & leaving teens to go god knows where? That's crazy. You will be sued along with husband if something happens. 

Cover1W's picture

Exactly - not only could husband be liable, but they can take marital assets as well if anything happens and there's not the cash to cover it (joint accounts included).  So this does directly effect you!

My exH drove drunk many times. I was scared he'd eventually kill or maim someone and I'd end up paying the price as well.  Horrible thought, but you must know the ramifications.

futurobrillante99's picture

It's pathetic and disgusting. It's not like this kid is a well functioning and studious child who has earned a beer at dad's house.

My XH2 turned a blind eye to his 4 sons drinking underage in OUR house (we owned it 50/50). He also turned a blind eye to them smoking pot in our home, too.

This after complaining that his ex wife was a raging alcoholic. It turns out that his sons ALL have substance abuse issues and now, two of them, have multiple DUIs.

His one son who is actually a decent college student, told me (while I was still married to XH2) that, in 9th grade, he'd go to school drunk nearly every day. All of his kids, but two in particular, had issues with truancy and it's a miracle they graduated (pushed through the system).

My XH2 is a covert narcissist and what he craves more than anything is fuel (approval, attention, admiration....).

Not saying your partner is a narcissist, but at the very least, he's a crap parent.

FWIW, I am a-okay allowing a kid to drink beer or wine at home with their parents. I allowed my older two to do this before going to college so they had a decent idea of their limitations. It helped.

morrginme's picture

He's not a narcissist but he does have some issues that lean him closer to that disorder than the average person.

SD17 is a diagnosed narcissist. 

DPW's picture

Wow, talk about having your priorities messed up - too lazy and ineffective as a parent to call the police back about his daughter yet runs to her aid to bring her alcohol, at 17. SMDH. Like others have said, total turn off. 

Exjuliemccoy's picture

What a trashy, irresponsible thing to do. I can see why you've lost respect for this man.