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Well, that didn’t take long.

momjeans's picture

Skid and in-laws were here when I got home from work, and DH had the charm turned-up to 11 with me the moment I stepped foot in the door. 

Then with skid (almost 13) he was:

“Yes, baby.”

”Okay, baby...”

”Bye baby”

He’s cooking throughout all the comments to skid. I just look at him as if to say, ‘Oh yeah? Already?’

I point it out to him the moment after her and in-laws step out the door to leave and he immediately apologizes in an EXTREMELY defensive manner. 

He was singing such a different “things are going to be different this summer” tune just a few weeks ago. This summer is going to suck and be volitale. I can feel it. 

Comments

MommyT's picture

Can I suggest something? Maybe instead of saying something right when everyone leaves, you could talk to him about it a little later. I’ve learned that this lets me to calm down and DH takes things with a little more perspective 

momjeans's picture

I’ve tried both ways only to be met with the same response and defensive manner from DH, sadly. 

I’ve also found that if I don’t immediately address it, DH plays the “I don’t recall saying that,” or the “I don’t remember it happening like that,” card.

momjeans's picture

DH also had to play his token “She’s just a child” card. To which I reminded him that skid was just a couple months away from turning 13 and that she got her mentrual at 10.5. Meaning, she *could* get pregnant if she had unprotected sex or was raped and ended-up pregnant. But, nah. It’s totally okay to continue referring to her as “baby.”

He then told me I had two feet and two legs to waltz down and file for a divorce if I didn’t like it. 

SayNoSkidsChitChat's picture

Your marriage is over. Even threatening or hinting at divorce means he does not value or treasure you. You are not his no. 1 priority. He is using you for your money, as a bedwarmer, chorewoman et al.

STaround's picture

But the way OP articulated her dislike of him calling this DD baby was out of line.   But if she is so jealous of his DD, it may be for the best. 

SayNoSkidsChitChat's picture

It isn’t appropriate for her DUH to refer to a teenager as “baby.” Even his own brat. I don’t call my real children “baby.”

momjeans's picture

Oh FFS, there’s no jealousy there. I’m an adult. Skid is almost a teen being called “baby.”

Monkeysee's picture

Baby is a term people use for actual babies, or for their partner.  Calling your 13 yo DD 'baby' is gross.

momjeans's picture

This is how I view it too. 

DH and I call each other “baby.” We say it in person, in texts, and in the bedroom when we’re being intimate. 

So, hearing DH call skid “baby” makes my effing skin crawl.

Curious Georgetta's picture

with a father calling his daughter baby at any age?  It is a term of endearment with many  meanings.

My father will often say "good bye baby " to me or my sister as we are leaving , and my mom will do the same.  We are self -sufficient adults.

The use of that particular term of endearment  in no way restricted or limited or development. 

Perhaps your husband would be less snippy if you were more tolerant of minor things such as his terms of endearment.

Pick  your battles, not every thing has to be a scrimmage. You will wear yourself out of minor things.

STaround's picture

In Dirty Dancing, that was what the father called his teenage DD.  

momjeans's picture

In Dirty Dancing, that was what the father called his teenage DD.  

That was also weird AF. 

STaround's picture

Is that you did not just ask your DH to stop calling her that, that it bothered you, and you had to bring up her period.  Did you really think that was even related or necessary? 

momjeans's picture

Is that you did not just ask your DH to stop calling her that, that it bothered you, and you had to bring up her period.  Did you really think that was even related or necessary? 

Huh?

I’ve been asking DH to refrain from calling skid “baby” for a couple years now. Right around the time she got her menstrual to be exact, so yeah, it’s relevant. 

susanm's picture

Dirty Dancing was also set in the early 1960's when women from nice families were little more than childlike decoration at all ages and those who wanted more than that were considered either something to laugh at.or unpleasant people that had to unfortunately be dealt with.  

SonOfABrisketMaker's picture

DD7’s name around the house is Baby because she’s the baby. Her siblings, myself and DH all call her that.

momjeans's picture

DD7’s name around the house is Baby because she’s the baby. Her siblings, myself and DH all call her that.

Keyword: DD. Get back to me when it’s your almost 13-year-old SD being called “baby.”

Mominit's picture

i often refer to my SD as baby or baby girl. And she IS my DH’s baby (youngest). Of course I don’t take offense to that! It’s not a battle to stake a flag.

twoviewpoints's picture

Your use of "keyword" being DD caught me off guard. 

You are not implying this endearment term would be ok if he were calling  your DD "baby' and she were almost 13 also, Right? I don't think so, but the way it came out is not like you. 

What's up with this two feet and waltz down and file for divorce bull sh*t? Where the heck did that retort come from? 

You do have younger children in the home and I highly doubt Dad runs around every other word calling them "Baby" . I'm sure your DH does love his oldest daughter and does hold endearment towards her, but "Baby" (unless it really is the family nick name for the kiddo) nonstop is a bit of overkill. If her friends at home heard that from dad all evening they'd be pointing and laughing. 

 

momjeans's picture

You are not implying this endearment term would be ok if he were calling  your DD "baby' and she were almost 13 also, Right?

Correct. I would NOT be okay with DH calling our DD “baby” at age 12, almost 13, because ewww. 

I was mostly okay with DH calling skid “baby” when she was very young, but now? No. She’s practically my height, has breasts, and gets her mentrual. It’s almost like he’s calling another woman “baby” right in front of my face. Almost, because she’s not quite a woman yet, but she will be in the near future. 

futurobrillante99's picture

It's much much more than just the word - it's the sucking up and indulgent behavior that accompanies it.

It's more appropriate to say "baby girl" from a dad to a daughter.

And Baby from Dirty Dancing had that name as a nickname. When spoken like any other name such as Marge or Donna, it's just a name. Baby's dad never said Baby in a saccharin sweet, coddling way. But when you say it with honey dripping, it's a whole other thing.

When I call my guy a term of endearment, there is usually a special tone I take that I would never take with a child of mine.

I might use Sweetheart to address my kids like I would a romantic partner, but never "baby." To me, that a romantic term of endearment.

Mominit's picture

That may be true for you, but it’s a term of endearment to many parents. I call SD15 baby or baby-girl, because she’s the youngest of the family. I call the oldest “hey number 1”. DH doesn’t take offense that HE is #1, or that she is baby. 

And fwiw, any man other than my Dad who calls me baby is likely to be ignored. I may be my husband’s “Babe”, but I’m a grown a$$ woman and nobody else’s baby!

Mominit's picture

And OP see apples where her DH sees oranges. If my DH says something that can be taken two ways... one is offensive and the other comes from a different upbringing or perspective... I’m going to assume it’s perspective. 

If OP and DH dig in on this, it must be very important to both of them!

Gimlet's picture

You know, I'd bet momjeans wouldn't feel so annoyed by the pet name if she wasn't being lightweight gaslighted by her husband and his whole family about how she should feel and behave, while simultaneously being kept in the dark and dismissed when it comes to decisions that affect her life.

Just guessing.  

Kiwi_koala's picture

I don't blame you one bit. Calling a 13 year old daughter baby by a father really grosses me out. I think there are sexual undertones to that word when a grown man is saying that unless of course he's calling a 6 month old child baby. I would flip if my bf called his daughters that  or if my father said that to me. It is definitely a romantic pet name in my opinion.

SteppedOut's picture

This! My formerSO would call me that occasionally. I was ok with it, but at the same time not real big on "generic nick names".

UNTIL I heard him also call his 16yr old daughter that also. BLEH! I let him know immediately I no longer approved of the nick name.

ntm's picture

Who calls all his children either Baby Boy or Baby Girl. Maybe because he has six and it’s easier than remembering their names. It’s probably a family culture thing. I have another friend who also calls her children Baby. Not a hill to die on. 

tog redux's picture

The baby thing would annoy me, because I think of "baby" as a sexy term of endearment, but obviously, some see it as an appropriate term for a kid.

But it would bother me most as a symptom of him "babying" her, and using it every 5 minutes is idiotic. If DH even did that to ME, I'd want to punch him the nose.  Don't call me baby or honey every 5 minutes.

The divorce comment is unacceptable. I'd let him know that if he says that again, he's going to get his wish.

momjeans's picture

I spoke with my boss this morning, not divulging anything personal, and arranged to switch days with a coworker, so I wouldn’t have to work this Saturday - therefore, removing the need for MIL’s care of our little ones. 

My gloves are off. I’m going back to very, VERY low contact with all of them. I saw all of this coming, and I should have known better to EVER allow MIL to get her foot back in the door. 

ITB2012's picture

If he’s always called her baby then he may not even hear it. You know, like calling a kid slugger or pumpkin. Hell Im in my 50s and my mom is finally waning on the pumpkin nickname...was just after I made the comment we could go to senior fitness classes together. 

I have a nickname for DS that I love and I’d call him it all the time if he let me. XH and I called him that nickname since he was born. We still refer to him like that when we talk. But we haven’t called him that since he was nine and he stated that he was too old for it anymore. (And I’m really hoping he gets nostalgic and lets me call him that again.)

If your DH only calls her that for-show in front of people then I’d say you have grounds to talk about the implications of that specific term. If he’s always done it, that’s just her nickname. 

The divorce comment: he’s trying to win the conversation in an underhanded manner.  

beebeel's picture

I dealt with this very early on. My DH and SS and in-laws were all calling my SD "baby" when she was 4, 5, 6. It really bothered me because dh also called me baby, so we both would respond whenever he said it. She was so used to everyone calling her "baby" that she would ignore anyone saying her name. 

I told DH that it would not only cause issues for her at school (teachers weren't going to call her baby), but that my vagina dried out faster than the Sahara mid summer every time I thought he was calling to me only to find out he was asking for his 6 year old daughter. That did the trick.

momjeans's picture

Too funny.

Yeah, I cannot get on that level of calling a child older than toddler age “baby.” I just can’t - especially because DH calls me that. 

I don’t call our littles it either. Most of the time it’s a “hey bug” and the other is addressed with “hey buggy.” If they’re upset I might say “honey.” Again, though, they’re 3 and 5.

beebeel's picture

I still catch myself calling my 3 year old son "baby" now and then, but it's started to taper off. I'm trying to teach him that he's a big boy now, so it's counterproductive to call him baby. And that was another issue I had: at 6 and 7 years old, SD was still be buckled into the car by her mom, carried everywhere, and coddled through the roof. If the nickname "baby" wasn't also accompanied by infantilizing behavior, it probably wouldn't have bothered me so much.

TheBrightSide's picture

All of my older siblings called me Baby until I was about 16.  "Baby"  was short for "Why are you crying Baby".   I was the youngest by a lot of years.  Their alternative name for me was "TittleLittleYou'reTooLittle".    I hated them.

#childhoodflashback