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O/T: Coworker is back on his BS

momjeans's picture

Here’s the original post regarding it:

I recently leveled-up at work, so to speak, and this has put me in the position of having to occasionally be around and verbally engage with this male coworker. 

That in itself is no big deal, as I’ve since asserted Grey Rocking, worst case ghosting, the living daylights out of this dude. 

About a week ago, he approached me and offered an apology, stating it “would never happen again,” and asked if we could be friends. I offered a very flat “thanks” and (what I felt was sarcastic and backhanded) “sure” and went on my way with work.

Well, it only took less than 48 hours for him to get back on his inappropriate behavior.

After the last fiasco, I immediately unfriended him on Facebook, blocked him on Instagram, and blocked his phone number. I did not block him on Facebook, because I felt in doing so that it would make him lose his damn mind and I didn’t want to imagine what kind of fallout that would cause.

We had our monthly catered workplace luncheon last Wednesday (he “apologized” that Monday). During that lunch he proceeds to send me several messages via Facebook messenger, telling me I’m cute and that he’s always thinking about how cute I am at work.

I wanted to stand-up and flip the table. I was livid.

He has been messaging me nonstop via messenger since that day. Sometimes I go a day or two before opening it to read. I never respond. 

My immediate thought was to block him, but I’m leaning towards allowing him to keep at it, so I have record of his unsolicited communication to hand over to my boss.

Obviously, I’m super creeped out by this person who I once considered a friend, as some of the messages say things like, “I let (enter a fellow coworker’s name) know that we made up.”

W T F?

What is this guy’s malfunction? Seriously, I’m curious what others think this guy’s issue is. To me, it borders delusional. Perhaps even obsessive.


ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

Ummmm.... Suspiciously similar to stalker number 1...  Stalker number one kept sending things and planned out our entire lives on the first -and only- date after a roommate pushed me into a blind date... Then proceeded to keep messagin when I asked him to stop... (also showed up outside of classes I didn't even tell him I had... Appeared in the library whenever I was there.... Showed up at the apartment at all hours.... It got terrifying REAL quick... To be fair, stalker 2 was worse.) 

One of my large male friends threatened him and he finally backed off after like 5 months of harassment...

Idk that I would wait,  he's shown these behaviors before.  i think you give him ONE warning to back off and leave you alone.  If he keeps going, report it and have HR handle it.  People that start out mild can really start to esaclate.

momjeans's picture

Oh, PA, that’s creepy! 

DH, who’s smoking hot, visits me at work every now and again. You’d think that would be enough, but not with this nutjob. 

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

Nothing is ever enough when they’re creepy! Stay safe and don’t leave this be for too long!

(also, visits from The hubby at work are amazing!!!)

Gimlet's picture

Talk to your boss again.  Show her/him the messages.  This is harassment.

Please also read The Gift of Fear.  If this guy is setting off alarm bells , there is a reason for it. Too often, women discount those alarms because we're socialized to be nice and don't want to look hysterical.


susanm's picture

I want to second The Gift of Fear.  To often women ignore what we know in our gut is wrong because we are taught to be nice and not rock the boat.  F*ck that.  Rock the boat, rock it hard, and make anyone who doesn't belong in it fall overboard!  You are not completely encouraging him by responding but you are giving him hope that you will eventually be worn down by not putting a stop to his activities.  What he is doing is illegal harassment in the workplace as well as creepy beyond measure.  Please take this to your boss and to their boss if they refuse to do their job and eliminate this guy from your workspace.  These guys do not stop on their own and they only escalate over time.  

Seriously.  Read The Gift of Fear.  It is a very quick read and is available in paperback.  It will change the way you think about how you have done things for years.

momjeans's picture

It’s also worth noting that my boss is well aware of what happened previously. She’s aware that I asked him to stop and not engage with me at work. She, herself, called him into her office and reiterated that he was to have no contact with me.

Merry's picture

Then absolutely let her know that Creepster is ramping up again. Sounds like your boss did the right thing when you spoke to her before. Now she needs to take the next step—this is harassment. 

Aniki's picture

What a creepy jackass! Yeah, you need to let your boss know that this guy is back at it. Apparently, to him, "making up" means he believes you've given him the go-ahead to return to his vile, creepster behavior. Time to shut it down for good. {{hugs}}

ITB2012's picture

If you had a talk with him, your boss had a talk with him, and he's still doing it, it's time for HR. And document, document, document. Put it all in the HR files BEFORE they talk to him.

Trust me. I have been there.

2Tired4Drama's picture

Don't talk to anyone anymore, do it in writing.  That includes your boss, HR, coworkers, etc.  You MUST have a trail and evidence.  And even that might not be enough. 

No matter how much you like your boss or HR rep, you have to put this stuff in writing.  I (unfortunately) have personally experienced what happens with an EEO complaint and it's not for the weak-willed.  (My assumption is you are based in the US)  I hired one of the best EEO law firms in the country, took it to very high legal levels (appeals) and still wound up damaged (retired early with a monetary penalty) and with no vindication.  My perpetrator is still employed and has not even faced the slightest bit of disciplinary action.  And I documented EVERYTHING.

Here's what you need to absolutely understand:  No matter how much your company or coworkers appear supportive, you run the risk that they will go silent if they absolutely need to provide you with corroboration.  When faced with a choice, most people are AFRAID to lose their jobs.  They have families, mortgages, kids, they need the health care plan employer provides, etc.   They may love you to pieces, but choosing between testifying for you and possibly losing their job - they will choose the job.

Likewise, the "company" knows that a suit of any kind would cost them big bucks.  It is very difficult to stop a harasser, bigot, misogynist in the workplace.  As you've experienced.  Sometimes, it's easier to get rid of the complainer.  You would think that their liability would be greater keeping a psycho around, but they can be very good at covering their tracks and filing their own complaints.  Instead, they may find a way to get rid of YOU.  Their problem is solved.  

I really feel for you.  I wish I had more encouraging words.  

momjeans's picture

Last night, a coworker sent me a text outlining her work day, and at the end she states that (insert inappropriate coworker’s name here) informed her that he’s “going to start dating again.”

I laughed out loud, because 1) My female coworker has no idea about this guy’s harassment towards me picking up again, and 2) that in saying this to my female coworker, the likelihood of this getting back to me would be high, because this coworker is one of my closest friends at work.

Like. I. Care. LOL.

Shortly after that text I received a few messages from him via messenger. Before bed I opened my messenger to find this dude had sent me a photo of himself in bed. 

Yesterday was our anniversary and I’m pretty sure this guys knows this. This creeper sent me a photo of himself on MY anniversary. The effing nerve. 

Jesus... give this nutjob enough rope, I guess.