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Meanwhile, it has been 39 days...

momjeans's picture

since in-laws have seen our children.

That’s right! MIL and FIL have not seen or spoken to our children since skid left last month. My in-laws live 12 miles // 20 minutes away. 

These are the moments when disengagement is extremely difficult for me. If I were to point this out to MIL her response would be “Well, I know you don’t like us coming around, momjeans.”

No. No, that’s not exactly true. What I “don’t like” is their behavior at times, and well, my in-laws have shown time and time again that they don’t like rules and boundaries enforced (on them). That is, unless skid is here, then the in-laws are all up in our business with their presence and fake niceties.

Interesting how that works. It’s no coincidence. MIL made it very clear, years ago, that skid would always be a priority. And at the same time that she doesn’t play favorites, etc. 

Feel free to chime in with some been there, done that experience.

 

Comments

StepMamaBear6's picture

You are living my life.  My MIL and SIL play serious favorites.  They pick up my skids all the time for lunch and dinner dates, but never EVER pick up my kids (which are also my husband's children and their grandchildren.)  It causes such feelings of dislike.  They coddle my skids but have high expectations of my kids.  It drives me nuts.

momjeans's picture

Ugh. That’s the worst, StepMamaBear6.

Skid is not local, but in-laws are. Skid has two extended visitations a year. When SHE is here, they try their hardest to be a constant in our life, if anything just to pressure DH into making skid feel ike the most loved and important person in the universe.

Once skid leaves it’s crickets. My parents are deceased, or it really wouldn’t matter having MIL and FIL around to offset all the hours/days/months I’m mothering solo (DH works A LOT).

Prior to skid’s visitation, they start their hoovering techniques to get in with me, so-to-speak. It’s a never ending, and very predictable cycle.

My in-laws are very abusive people. They engage in withholding behavior when it suits them, too. Of course, never when skid is here.  

 

StepMamaBear6's picture

It would be awesome to totally ghost them during the time SD is with you.  I know you probably can't, but I seriously DREAM about cutting my MIL and SIL off because of their favoritism.  It is hurtful to my kids - especially my two oldest daughters who are 11 and 8.

momjeans's picture

Goodness. I dream of it too. I hate that for the 11 and 8 year old. Children are very perceptive to divisive behavior. 

Exjuliemccoy's picture

That's 39 GOOD DAYS for your bios. Your in-laws are toxic, and you're going to have to devote yourself to protecting your bios from their pernicious influence for many years to come.

Seriously, just change your thinking to being grateful thing are this way. And if you can widen your circle to include some older friends, your kiddoes could really benefit from having HEALTHY older people in their lives. Since DH and I were cut off from his gkids, we've welcomed other children into our life, and it's been good for all of us.

momjeans's picture

Thanks for bringing me back down to reality and pointing me in the direction towards some better, and healthier ways of thinking.

And I’ve actually thought of this a lot lately. More like daydream. I’d love to find a woman 20-25 years my senior that would enjoy our littles. I’m not the imposing type, and not looking to pawn off my kids, but gosh darn it - they deserve to have healthy and fun relationships with other adults. 

 

Iamwoman's picture

I don’t have any been-there-done-that anecdotes to compare to this, but I agree with others that your kids are better off without their toxic grandparents around.