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Charity golf and the bm--still not settled.

lil_teapot's picture

If you've read an earlier blog I posted about fh participating in a golf event created by his ex bro in law. He has parkinsons and the golf outing was a way to raise money for research. ExBroInLaw was the reason it was started here. There's always a hundred or so golfers and then there's a dinner after. BM's family will be there all six-gazillion of them. FH is supposed to go w/his own broInLaw(fh's sister's hubby) and his dad and some other guy.
I am just fuming inside because I didn't get any acknowledgement for mothers day--I feel like just a babysitter because of that. Regardless of him grieving his mom's death or not, he sent a message to his kids and to me and bm that she matters because she squatted them out and I dont matter cuz they arent my kids. Anything could have been done--a card, a handwritten note--something. But I got nothing and I am livid.
So, now this golf thing is around father's day. What's got me heated is that bm will be there for the dinner portion plus all her family. FH is sure they'll come see him and say hi. I was invited to the dinner but I'm way salty. Why do I want to go to an event for this exb-i-l? Plus have to see the bm who is a total c**t to me?! Not to mention his partipation sends the message that the bm's family matters enough to irritate me and disrespect me by having MY husband participating in activities that benefit THEM.
I'm probably not articulating my feelings clearly because this is hard. I feel BETRAYED by my fh. He should consider my feelings on this issue and should have never, ever gotten involved in it this year or ever again...if it was a charity he wanted to support he could have sent a check.
I want him to UNDERSTAND this analogy---FH's sister's husband (current b-i-l) had an affair twice with a girl. It devastated fh's sister. Now, suppose this girl had a golf outing for her brother and fh's current b-i-l was going to participate. That means fh's sister would have to tolerate the slut's family, and seeing her--this girl who has caused her tremendous pain and nearly destroyed her family. And b-i-l would have the audacity to tell his wife(fh's sister) that he is only going "for the golf" and although "those people" will be there, he'll have nothing to do with them. I think fh's sister would feel betrayed and angry and that her husband was choosing his mistress over her. And that friends, is exactly how I'm feeling--he's choosing to support his exW over me, over my feelings, over my pain, over the hurt she causes me continually, and the disprespect she gives me constantly--he's choosing her over far flung as that may sound, that's how it FEELS.
So my plan is to talk about my feelings calmly with fh and tell him how this all makes me feel, and use the analogy of his sister's husband's affair, and let him know that the whole thing is wrong.
It's like, why is it that if it was fh's sister who was feeling bad and angry, it would be justified? Like, why is her feelings more important than mine--why is her hurt more important??? I doubt anyone would question his sister if she said to her husband "if you participate in golf for your whore, we're through!!!!" but if I said something even remotely similar, I'm "a bitch" "demanding" "getting my ass kissed".
Would you all feel similar to me, or am I off base here???
Any comments or thoughts would be greatly appreciated.
Hugs LT


October8's picture

your FH is like a lot of the ones on here who have issues with drawing boundaries.

My suggestion is to make the conversation about boundaries and feelings. For instance "FH, I know that you want to play golf, but I feel that by him going, he isn't defining the boundaries of their relationship now, and that in turn, this is hurting your feelings.

Remember, your feelings are important and valid. If H is still wanting to go because he may have already paid money, see if he is willing to compromise on making this the last time he has social interaction with BM's family and go with him and MOST IMPORTANTLY, look FABULOUS. But that's if and only if, he agrees that this is the last time and if he agrees to set boundaries...

One can only hope!

lil_teapot's picture

that's a really nice way to put it...I'll have to remember exactly how you said it.
O8 it just really is so painful because his actions are not considerate--it's not taking my feelings into consideration. Just becasue he did it for years now doesn't make it ok and it's not an ok tradition to continue when your ex is the reason it happens. I want to tell him if he wants to continue this type of tradition, I'll carry on my own tradition--dating. Ok, I'm not going to actually say that, but I definitely think

namaste123's picture

has a great idea. Make him make an agreement with you that this his last time with social interaction with BM's family, unless it happens to be for skids.

Secondly, I agree as well that it is IMPERATIVE that you attend this function with him, regardless of how BM treats you. NO EXCUSES, GO! You HAVE to! You NEED to! You MUST! It says a lot to BM about the strength of you and your husbands marriage if you are always by his side no matter what.

lil_teapot's picture

its all about power and control for bm and fh's inability to see where he's at fault. BM doesn't give a rats behind about him ,she just likes that he still is around for her to pick at and disrupt our life. FH isn't interested in her or her family, but he isn't "not" going because of them either.
I feel like he should be honoring my feelings the way I honor his childen's needs and his.
If he does end up going, I'll have to go like you said but i know I will resent it tremendously and I'm tired of having this crap go on that i have to resent or deal with. It shouldn't be like this--we should be building a life togther that makes us both happy and fulfilled...and that isn't fulfillign to me to be a part of an old tradition of the days of his ex. It is hurtful and degrading and does not honor his committment to me, my happiness, and our life.

namaste123's picture

and have every reason to feel the way you do. That's why you do need to speak to H and tell him that this must be the last time or you cannot stay married to someone who is still "married" to his past life. When you divorce, that's it, it's over. You NEVER go back to doing the same traditions and things you did when you were married to your ex. That relationship and those things are now severed. That he can never be who he needs to be for his new wife if he cannot let that part of his life go.

Sometimes men just don't get it. Even small things make me angry. Like we were going to make tacos for dinner the other night. Skids say they had tacos at their mother's the night before and didn't want to have them again. BF says, "Well I make them different than your mom anyway." WTF??? That's great that you remember how she made her tacos, but I certainly don't think that's appropriate for you to say in front of me! See something so small and stupid made me angry, but BF just has to learn what it is like when you are divorced and are in a relationship with someone else.

melis070179's picture

I wouldn't go with the analogy, I don't think its even close to the same thing. Your DH did not have an affair with BM, so its way different. I would go with the boundary thing and tell him you are not comfortable with still interacting with each others families. That IS a boundary crosser. But men don't see that. He sees that he wants to play golf, he is going with his family members, not hers, and he is not going to see her. I would try to compromise and say you will go this ONE time and that you expect no future involvement in this or any activity that involves BM or any of her friends/family (besides the kids). But if he was going to some social event BM was going to be at, I sure as hell would be there!

"You never realize how short a month is until you pay child support"