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Adult stepdaughter cannot grow up and stop asking for $$$$

leather64's picture

My stepdaugher is 23 and studying abroad in Paris. She completely wasted her time and our money on college in the states to the tune of $75K, and walked away with nothing. Now she is in Paris at a fashion school for 3 years, still trying to "launch" and become a productive responsible adult. My DH and I did not support her taking off to Paris, and encouraged her to finish college in the states.

Her biomom is unable to give her daughter any life lessons, and only coddles her every whim. We explained if she went to Paris, she's on her own for room and board, and monthly expenses. Beyond tuition, we were not contributing to this whim, and once her 529 college savings plan was depleted, so was our financial support. She was told, do not ask us for money since you know where we stand. To our knowledge, she is being supported while in Paris by her mother, grandmother and greatgrandmother.

Since January, she has asked my DH periodically for $150-200 and her reasons for the need of the money are at best sketchy. Especially, when all I see is her "black out partying" in the bars on Instagram. Yesterday, my DH says to me..."I need you to put $150.00 into (stepdaughters) account tomorrow. I respond, "why now?" He says, "because she asked if I could send her $200 because she has some friends visiting this week and wants to be able to go out do things while they are there." "Then, he says...I get it, I don't blame her and she doesn't ask us for money often."

I respond with, oh really..well I beg to differ. She has asked for money 3 times since January and you cave in everytime. What message do you think you're sending her other than "if I ask Dad, he will send me money?" He gets all defensive and flustered because I know he's uncomfortable. I then ask him, "why hasn't she found a job yet?" I can tell you if I had no money to do anything, I would be either living within my means, or find a job to fund my incidentals. This just really unnerves me, and it's not about the money but the principal and the fact that she is very good a using "guilt" as a manipulation to get what she wants.

What are your thoughts about this?


ESMOD's picture

My thoughts are that if your husband is able to afford to do this without any negative impact on your household expenses and isn't using your money... then it is his choice to gift his daughter these small increments.

Honestly, I get it, she is frittering away her time and partying instead of working towards a real goal.  You and your DH agreed you weren't going to support her.. yet, she is still his daughter and he will probably always be liable to want to "slip her a 20" when she asks dadee.

So, I guess my suggestion would be to disengage from this if it isn't costing you anything.  If he wants to send her money, he can do it himself.  If it is infringing on your household budget, you have a right to question it.


Rags's picture

We had a similar experience with my SIL. We took guardianship of her when she was nearly 17 and my ILs allowed her to graduate a year early when SpermLand had the brilliant idea to save money by reducing the HS graduation requirements.

We moved her to us, we got a car for her to drive, and we paid for 100% of her college costs ... as long as she remained with us.  She hated it and still to this day complains to the IL clan about how mean were were, how we wouldn't allow her to miss class, wouldn't allow her to turn in her assignments as she wanted to turn them in (we proofed every assignment and made her correct shoddy work before turning it in).  We kept her clear on the message that she was in college on our dime and she could either perform to our standards or GTFO.  She had respectable grades while she was under our thumb (A's and B's).  After a year she chose to return to her home town... where she proceeded to have an out of wedlock child, accumulated $85K in school loan debt for a degree she never completed, and now she scams $10s of thousands from family members with the teary "but my babies are starving" stories.

meh, I just let her rot.  So does my bride. Though she does try to preserve a relationship with the waste of skin.

thinkthrice's picture

if god forbid Dadeeee drops dead or becomes ill?  Eventually even inheritances run out.  DH needs to acquaint himself with tough love. period.