Your DH is going to have to figure out which family he is going to nurture since his worlds can no longer comingle. If he wishes to maintain his wife, he needs to start sticking go for you.

There is no such thing as "the middle". He isn't in the middle; he wants to have his cake and eat it, too. He wants everyone else to figure it out so it doesn't inconvenience him.

My personal thoughts are that you choose a spouse, and that comes with consistently choosing to stick by them over all others (sans abuse, criminal activity, etc). It is not your place to cater to his ego, especially when he isn't choosing you. If he would rather have his children, then he needs to choose them and leave you to it.

Why do you care so much what other people think?  I know relationships are important to women, but it seems like your self esteem is dependent upon your Dh's poorly behaved children accepting you, and you are afraid that you look like a failure to other people.

Most people understand that this is a difficult dynamic. I have told a few friends about the situation with my SDs and have several friends in the same spot.  If someone is going to judge me based on what my SD's think of me, then they can get lost.

I have high self esteem and consider my SDs narcissism their own problem. It's a result of the crappy parenting they received growing up.  One of the SDs was the golden girl on a pedestal; the other lived in her shadow.  They are both narcissists for different reasons but the common denominator is lazy parenting and not addressing issues as they grew up.

My SDs act like yours, but I have a different sentiment about it....I am a nice person and it's their loss.  I am not less of a person because my drama-loving SDs think it's fun to stir up $hit. I think it's sad for my DH that they don't care about his happiness, but he was hands off in raising them and this is what he got.

You need to beef up your self esteem and your DH needs to be more afraid of losing you than SD. You are showing him you are willing to be trampled on, and that sends him the message he can keep taking you for granted.  Please seek counseling to work on your self esteem and what you want for the remainder of your life. Life is short and dumba$$es are not worth chasing.

These men care more about their comfort than their wives OR their children.   Don't make things so comfortable for your DH at YOUR expense.  When my DH saw I was done with watching him chase poorly behaved children, he admitted their poor behavior, he didn't know what to do about it, so he ignored it and hoped it would go away.  He knows now I don't care if he sees his kids, but their behavior will not affect my life or marriage or I am out.

I do not care what they do, say or think. They are not a part of my life.

I know the shame you're talking about. I so didn't want to become a Lifetime movie when I married and gained a SD. But it wasn't up to me.

I also wondered how to present this when someone asked about SD. A few times, I hedged and didn't say anything. A few times the person asking about SD mentioned how awful SD was when she was younger (before I met SD) then asked how it was going for me as her SM. In those cases, I was just honest, assuming the person would know not to report it to my husband.

After years of trying to win over SD, I finally accepted that I would not be accepted and no one would blame me for it -- after all, I did try my best for years. So when someone asks now, I just say SD has been difficult and she isn't ready to accept that her father has a wife. That puts no blame on me, it's honest and I'm not bad mouthing SD -- just telling the truth. And hopefully they take the hint and not ask more questions.

For years, I also never knew how to explain my situation with my mother. That's when I first cooked up the "difficult" bit. It's vague but honest and usually puts the matter to rest with whoever is asking.

Try not to feel ashamed. There are more of us out there than you realize. And everyone has at least one difficult family member. If the person asking has a brain, they will make the association and not cast doubt on your effort to win over your skids.

to a point I follow my DH's lead with his family, but if I am directly asked about something I will not lie. 

With others I am honest but I will not talk about everything because no one wants to really here all that crap, people have their own crap. 

But if my Dh's SIL brings up that her kids are doing pot and bring it in to the house and that is against the rules, I will bring up skid tried the same thing and he saw the door because of it. 

Be selective, don't lie but you  don't have to disclose everything. This is how I stayed true to myself. 

Otherwise I will vent here or a few selected friends, but most family doesn't want to hear it. Especially my very sweet elderly mother in law. For MIL to hear it (she is almost 90) it would stress her out and break her heart, which I am not willing to do. 

DH is the one who can solve this. He's choosing to be "in the middle", instead of being on your side, where he should be.  He can love his kids without tolerating their behavior towards you, you know, it's called PARENTING.  Even if you've made mistakes in dealing with them, he can tell them he agrees that you made a mistake with that letter, but he still does not support their treatment of you.  That they have the right to not have a relationship with you, but you will still be his #1 priority and he will not leave you home alone to attend things that you are not invited to.  It's fine to spend alone time with his kids, but the message he's giving them now is not that he's "neutral" but that he supports what they are doing to you.

I would not be able to respect him or have a loving relationship for long with a man who puts me in this situation. Do him the favor of not making him choose - you choose with your feet walking out the door.

I hope you are continuing with therapy. You did your best with this family, and it isn't up to you whether or not your DH's kids accept you or not. If his kids are not at least polite and respectful to you, then it is up to him to set them straight. He is NOT in the middle by accident. He put himself there for his own comfort. THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT.

Shame and embarrassment are terrible things -- that's why I hope you have a therapist who can help you work through this.

you are not to blame for stepkids behaving the way they do, for the dysfunctional relationship. It was dysfunctional before you were even in the picture. I have 3 stepkids aged 22, 20 & 13, their mum never nurtured them and dad was sole income earner and on call 24/7 with his job so barely spent time with the kids and thought holidays would be catch up time. Problem is you see the damage its done to the kids, they are blinded to the bullshit their mum constantly tells them, blindly follow what their mum says even though they know its absolute rubbish/nonsense and the 20yr old ss has ignored me since i married his dad 4 yrs ago, he doesn’t acknowledge our 2 kids aged 31 & 16 months, my kids cry everytime they see him and he is a useless shit who actually brags how he is king and my job is to clean and do housework and raise the kids as its a womans job (hubby copped it from me)

now at family events, when hubbys family ask how are things and i explain i’m barely coping, they play dumb and say why is it so hard you have ss, thats when i tell them what really goes on. One of hubbys  sis in law is in a blended marriage kids from both her and hubby and a child of their own, we always discuss things as we get one another. 

I have told hubby we are not a united family, its a dysfunctional family and hubby has said he can’t and won’t do anything about his sons behaviour or he will rebel, he’s rebelling and disrespectful as it is currently with us, our kids and hubbys family but hubby doesn’t want any drama. 

Recently my dad who we bought tickets to visit us overseas said he disn’t Want to come because of ss as you feel so uncomfortable and he always wants to come to airport to pick up my dad but nevet does anything, doesn’t say hi but just stands thereblike a useless idiot, hubby has to tell him to help carry suitcases etc. Hubby told off his son that day you’ve been a really unpleasant person to be around at home, you’ve made life so stressful and upsetting for us for no reason other than you just allow things to be like this when it doesn’t have to be and no one has done anything to make him behave this way, he chose to. His response was he can’t talk to me because i’m a woman and he doesn’t know how to talk to women so saying “hi stepmum” is uncomfortable, him spending time with our 2 kids (his half siblings) is so uncomfortable as he doesn’t know how to show affection and told his dad off to not force him. His dad has said to ss its such a shame that you should be the big example to our kids but you are far from it, you aren’t someone they can respect or look up to and it hurts me as a father to see my own son not acknowledge his 2 siblings. 

Hubby told him he has been very rude and wrong in his behaviour and should apologise for it and make amends, a fresh new start, he said he’s so stressed out, it was so over the top like he was having an anxiety attack and his dad told him off “you go to your stepmum now and you say hi and apologise to her”. He came to me with a smirky grin and mumbled “hi, dad said to apologise”, i just looked at him confused because i didn’t understand what he said and just looked away as it was so pathetic. His dad got a message from me what happened and i told him off, your own kid can’t even apologise properly or make an effort when he knows he has been rude, disrespectful and wrong. 

Hubby told off his kid even more and all he could say was i’m stressed having to say sorry to stepmum and say hi everyday and acknowledge her... hubby told him off how selfish he was thinking only of himself and not of others. He couldn’t give a shit. Now everytime he is back from uni his dad messages him before he gets home that he is to say hi to me (he ignores and never responds to hubbys message) and simply goes straight to his room.

i disengaged ages ago and now when family say comments about him when he magically shows attention to our 2 kids i catch him out that this never happens at home and he’s lying when he says he always spends time with our kids because his own cousins tell him off as they can clearly see how he is.

for me its quite simple, hubby is in the centre trying to keep both sides happy to a degree but it means often its at the expense of others and i feel he is always prioritsing his kids with ex over me and our kids (possibly regret that he stayed married to their mum when he should have divorced her ass ages ago, regret he never nurtured them like i do with our kids or regret his ex was a horrible example of a mum, regret their mum neglected them/abandoned them etc). So i feel our 2 kids are getting close to an age where they will one day ask their dad who is this guy (ss) or someone will say thats your brother and they will say he isn’t my brother, he’a never wanted anything to do with me. I think in that moment that will be the wake up call and knife through the heart for hubby that he has given in too much and let exwife and his 3 kids with her walk over him. 

I doubt my kids will when older pursue a relationship with their half siblings, their mum trashtalked me, even banned the 2 daughters from visiting us, demanded i be present for all visits thereby inconveniencing me and our 2 little kids having to play taxi and drive 2.5 hours to visit them.  How dare she try control me and ban her kids from seeing their siblings and these girls are too stupid to see it:

i don’t see myself wanting to be present at any engagement/wedding or reception of any of the 3 stepkids and play happy family so they appear like great individuals, they wouldn’t be able to say to hubby you can come but not stepmum because hubby has been the only one financially supporting them while their useless mum freeloads off hubby and plays the innocent victim.

it took years to get to this point but my conscience is clear, my hands are washed off the situation and i focus raising our 2 kids as independent respectul and empathetic people, complete opposite to their half siblings

It feels like people often say “oh the poor stepkids, they’ve had a rough life”, that doesn’t excuse that pathetic behaviour and us stepparents deal with so much unnecessary and unacceptable bullshit from them that we shouldn’t have to, but rarely do people see that... 

i do not lie to hubby’s family and cover for him about his kids, they aren’t worth me covering for them and it’s disrespectful for them to expect me to.

but can't you say something simple like, that you all had a small falling out and aren't speaking right now? It doesn't have to be some long drawn out story about what happened just explain the end result; you all aren't talking. My coworkers know that spending my time off from work is not going to be spent entertaining my SO's kids or going anywhere with them that they can ruin a trip with their behavior. Plus I just tell anyone that the kids need one on one time with their parent not their parents spouse and that alone seems to satisfy anyone asking. Who honestly cares what people think about what you do behind closed doors? I don't.