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The Most Wonderful Time of the Year. No! I mean Confusing Time of the Year.

LavenderLady's picture

The holidays bring up a whole lot of things to deal with for step mothers and families. Just wondering how others have learned to cope with this complicated and confusing time of year.

How does the time around the holidays get spent trying to navigate this messy situation?

Currently in my situation my husbands adult kids will not see me. I am not welcome at their home so my husband is always torn how and where to be for the holidays. He doesn’t seem to want to do nothing about the situation and says he is stuck in the middle not wanting to take sides either way. It currently seems like this now works best for everyone that they all spend time together without me, all his visits now are alone and I just stay on the sidelines and don’t interfere in any of it because I’m not welcome. Makes me sad but it’s the reality of my current situation and does not look like it will ever change. 

The holidays are the worse and I currently feel lost how to deal and cope this time of the year. Usually in the past we pick out gifts together to give to his kids, grandkids. But this year they have alienated me so much I wonder if I should just stay out of it all completely. Let him do whatever he wants as far as gifts etc. and I just go along with it all. Just shut up and let him do what he wants. Maybe it’s easier that way? Also trying to figure out where the holidays should be spent. I know he wants to see his family around the holidays but trying to figure that out based on the fact they won’t see me. I don’t have family I can spend holidays with so I am left alone when/if he spends his holidays with his kids without me.

Very tough situation. My heart is broken as this is not how I hoped it would be but now am trying to learn to accept this is the way it is. His kids dislike me, he doesn’t want to do anything about their behavior toward me as he does not want to upset them in any way so I’m left standing on the sidelines confused how to deal and cope.

Wondering how others in similar step family dramas deal with the holidays?

Thank you in advance for any input.

Comments

Disillusioned's picture

If his kids will not welcome you into thier events over the holidays, then I feel your DH shouldn't attend either. 

Your DH needs to stand up for and support his wife

My DH would never go to any event that either SD's or SIL would host that I wasn't invited too

And if he did, he would be going to them alone permanently!

To leave you alone to spend the holidays all alone while he celebrates it with his family is unacceptable in IMHO

Focused_onourlife's picture

Yes all of this! Especially, since you have no family there, you are HIS family and their behavior is totally unacceptable and you need to let him know that you will NOT spend another Holiday alone.

Plantmom's picture

BM plans all sorts of things around Christmas and New year's, my husband is lucky if he gets her for a couple days between the holidays. He's supposed to get SD for either thanksgiving or Christmas but he never gets either because SD would rather do what BM signs her up for. She usually gets her presents before Easter...but not always. 

My husband gets so sad looking at the tree and stockings that I don't even want to decorate. Most years he volunteers to work so I don't even get to spend it with him. He is impossible to deal with and super depressed for all of December but he doesn't do anything to get SD he just accepts the crumbs of time he's given. 

Step-girlfriend's picture

I don’t envy your DH’s position, but it makes me really sad for you that he chooses to leave you alone on holidays instead of having your back. I couldn’t imagine doing that to my spouse. This would not be ok with me.

ndc's picture

In all honesty, a husband who left me alone at the holidays while he visited with or attended functions with other family members who refused to allow me to attend would not be my husband for long.  

Winterglow's picture

If he absolutely insists on running to his kids and leaving you in the lurch, I would book something special for myself that would cover ALL of the festivity period. How about Xmas in Prague and New Year in Vienna? Most of the hotels that cater for the end of the year have so much organized that you'd never even notice you were alone!

Chmmy's picture

Im leaving town so I dont have to deal with any of it! Im not buying gifts for any of the skids so I know my DH is struggling to pay for everything. You dont need to spend thousands $$ on Christmas but he chooses to. Im not touching my savings for his kids. They get get get all year. Camt wait for a quiet Christmas just me & bio22.

classyNJ's picture

Oh Lavendar, I am so sorry he leaves you alone.  I too understand that he wants to see his family but to leave you alone knowing you do not have family to spend it with is heart breaking.

Please know you are welcome to spend the holiday with us.  We will treat you like the Queen you are!

Merry's picture

I am thinking of getting the stomach flu the day we are supposed to leave for Skidville. I would be totally fine with DH going without me because he causes his own kind of stress and I need a break. Just the dogs and me. And a nice bourbon.

But that's me, and I am not banned from my skids' life. For your situation, it would be totally unacceptable for my spouse to spend the holidays with his kids if I was not invited. If you CHOOSE not to go, that's one thing, but your DH has given his kids way too much power in your marriage. Is he married to YOU? Or to THEM?

 

Siemprematahari's picture

I get your H is in the middle and he's trying to please two masters but in reality he can't. He chooses to spend the holidays with his kids EVERY year so where are you on his priority list? How is he ok leaving you behind during the holidays regardless if you had family or not? You are his family and he's heartless to be able to do this to you each and every year. He doesn't have your back and his kids "feelings" take precedence over yours.

I'd question my place in this marriage. If you want to remain start booking trips or something fun during that time. It's cold the way he's doing you.