Muddied waters, ashamed of my reactions
Hi guys I kind of have a general question. Hoping I can get some answers without too much backstory.
I’ve been with my partner for almost 2 years. He has 3 problematic adult children which I have posted about before, but later deleted that account. His entire family situation even aside from his kids is pretty negative. Poverty, entitlement, verbal and physical abuse, etc. He pretends like it’s all no big deal, and treats me as if I am the issue.
I have found this all tremendously difficult to take on. I have gone through bouts of major depression unlike any I have experienced. Disappointment has been at the core. Trying to keep this brief.
Some of the key ingredients here require posts of their own. But please know that for whatever reason, possibly my own self worth issues, plain stupidity or dare I say it, I really care for this man deeply.
Anyway I come with no baggage as far as problematic family or financial issues. No kids of my own. I’ve been accused of being with him for financial gain, which proves life really is stranger than fiction. I’m just a woman 25 years younger who genuinely thought the world of him. He has no money, it’s all spent on his family.
I have left multiple times and so has he. Although recently I left and fully intended to be done. He has lied throughout our relationship.
He comes back. So throughout throughout our relationship I have said some pretty darn nasty things out of desperation and I guess plain old rage. I believe his his coping mechanism is gaslighting. He calls me crazy, nuts, etc. if I dare try to question his intentions. But I’m beginning to think I take things too far with my verbal assaults. I’m reacting to him in a way that makes me ashamed.
For example, he caused me to miss an appointment today that was extremely important. I was angry, shocked and hurt. This was a follow up appointment after miscarriage. I had put it off directly after, I was just too devastated to deal with follow up care. I finally got an appointment, waited for this day, and boom, he causes me to miss it. Knowing I’ve had symptoms that need to be addressed.
Well, I was livid. Said things that were hurtful and insulting. Nobody was safe. Ex wife, kids. Every hard truth was yelled out in my nastiest tone. I told him his kids are losers and his ex wife is a criminal (she actually is). My purpose was, for him to look at the trash he has put before me.
I feel horrible and lost. He does neglectful things that directly hurt me, doesn’t acknowledge it, and then I say horrible things and become the bad guy. I’m suppose to take it all with a smile, and be little miss understanding.
I guess I’m wanting someone to make me feel better about my actions, or just tell me bluntly that I’m being mean, need to shut up and maybe apologize. I have a hard time letting things go I know.
Thank you for reading, I wrote a little more than anticipated!
Your SO sounds like a
Your SO sounds like a narcissist. Narcissists have ways of making the other person explode and then the narc can say to the world or to you, "see?!!! see?!!!! You're the one who's crazy." It's true. Go check out Dr. Ramani's or Todd Grande's videos on youtube.
Been there done that and bought the t-shirt for it. With that said, I lovingly but strongly encourage you to seek counselling to get out of this awful situation in which you love a man who is cruel to you. I see some of that abused person mindset in your posts (I read your previous one). I was there myself and it took decades for me to figure it out. It's the mindset that if you can only get it right, the other person will finally treat you right and give you the love and respect you so badly want from them. Only they are incapable of giving it. You cannot get blood from a stone. Please love yourself and get out and get a therapist who is experienced in narcissistic abuse. Your therapist (and us, of course,) can support you while you break away from this asshole.
I actually put on my list of
I actually put on my list of things to do today, “find therapist.” I definitely need help breaking away. There’s a nagging need to find any way, no matter how small, to fix this. Thanks so much for your support!!
I think you know this is a
I think you know this is a toxic and dysfunctional situation. I'd suggest you go to therapy alone to figure out why you find this drama appealing and keep going back to it. I don't think it's "love" you are feeling for him - more like addiction.
Bootsgal
You are 25 years younger?! You really need to figure out what it is you see in this cluck head. He sounds abusive and has adult bitches who treat you poorly. Ditch this old gaslighter, get therapy, and then once you love yourself you will attract better. Frankly better than him would not be hard to find.
Hun, love yourself.
Yep, he has allowed his
Yep, he has allowed his family to intimidate me and be horribly hostile around me. They are a different breed. Not even to mention the awful things they have said about me.
Drama
This is a a lot of drama. Is that what you want? Some people do. If you do, and I'm not judging, just asking, then whatever. If you don't, then know this guy and his situation just set you off. Good luck, whatever you decide.
I think I may, subconsciously
I think I may, subconsciously. Why the heck else would I be drawn to this? Put up with it? I feel like I’ve lost it.
You are normal!
The Abuse cycle does this. The good moments keep us holding on thru the abuse moments. It's an actual peptide addiction. Like being on drugs really. Physical addiction caused by the good. Then abuse, then good, then abuse. It does NOT stop til you drop the rope.
I Cannot "...make you feel better about your actions" but, I
will go as gently as I can.
First, I would ask what exactly does this man bring to your life? I'm sure you have undeniable feelings for him, however, I'm just not quite sure what they are. Ask yourself, "Am I in love or am I in HEAT?" Coming into heat passes, but love doesn't. When it's all stripped down, love remains.
Next, I am sad you've suffered a miscarriage. I have been there, and it is not enjoyable, and brings with it an array of emotions all its own.
He lies, he gaslights, his ex is a criminal. Do you REALLY want to tie yourself to this person by procreating with him? Remember, it will be HALF HIM. It will most likely have many of HIS TRAITS, physically and emotionally. If you cannot handle this man and all he dishes out to you, can you handle a "mini me" version?
It seems this is so chaotic. Imagine the feelings you are feeling now. Imagine yourself with a child with this person. If you've both left a few times, and you've admitted to yelling "Every hard truth" in your "nastiest tone" it's clear respect seems to have gone down a notch or two, at least. Envision in your mind what bringing an innocent child into this chaos will do, not only to you, but to him/her. I know being a mom is like having my heart walk around outside of my body, and anything that hurts them hurts me exponentially. Presumably it would be for you as well. Can you, or are you willing to handle that, and the possibility this relationship may not "take" and you'd be raising this child alone?
You mentioned you have no family or financial baggage. Great. Why are you taking all this on? Also, that is YOUR take on things. Many do not believe they have baggage or contribute to the problem, but if another's brain was probed, they'd come up with a thing or two, I'm sure.
This just seems so stressful, forced, not fun and tremendously chaotic. It also feels like you're wanting this to work, but it seems it is doomed to fail with all the facets of the relationship you have described. People who choose dysfunction are seldom happy.
Do not lament what you have
Do not lament what you have said to this POS. Lament that you have chosen to remain with him.
Make a change.
NOW!
End it, block him, move, don't tell him your new address. There is none of his baggage that is yours. Purge him and his shallow and polluted gene pool from your life.
Be happy about it.
Thank you so much for this <3
Thank you so much for this <3
RUN!
Get out now.,.I hope you're out already. The person I was with for 5 yrs (I finally left for good a year ago) would gaslight me (I didn't know what it meant back then) and I would either cry or the opposite...I would feel like I had to defend myself and argue back with him and use the F word liberally. I was so ashamed after these incidents. The NPD will push you to the end of a cliff and then you might feel like you have to fight for your life.
Just RUN and NEVER look back! You have a beautiful life ahead with load of FUN waiting to be had!
Thank you so much. I never
Thank you so much. I never curse but recently I have begun saying F you, Fing this or that during an argument. He remains eerily calm. He will say “stop cursing.” I left and blocked his phone number.
Plz don't feel bad
Sounds like reactive abuse to me. He triggers, you react.
Pathological lying, gaslighting, not prioritizing you as a SO, demeaning you, causing you to miss an important self care appt (showing he doesn't care about your health or his lost child (so sorry for your miscarriage...)
I was married to 2 narcissists. Not saying your SO is one, but mine were created in abusive childhoods. He has SOME kind of personality disorder. Normal humans with a working moral compass do not treat their "life love" like how he treats you.
Domestic violence, someone suggested calling them when I was married to my first narc (malignant). I remember thinking that because I was not getting hit physically that I wasn't being abused. Wellll, emotional, psychological, mental, financial, spiritual....lots of kinds of abuse. Try calling domestic
vio. They helped me a TON! especially with escaping the malignant narc secretly to avoid immediate retribution. I had 2 kids with him, so there WAS plenty of punishment later after I left to me for leaving (causing narc injury). But I was free from daily abuse.
My most recent ex is a covert (humble) narc and fooled me by his poverty. He ISN'T poor, not loaded, but he gave half his income to his ex and any extra to his lazy crazy adult kids. So when he asked me for money I said nope. Not gonna fund ex wife or his kids.
Bullies don't stop bullying a passive target. When bullies get some of their crap back on their plate, they can't believe it. Some abusers then abuse harder n try to punish. Bullies just need to be put in their place.
More importantly, YOU have to take care of YOU. He blocked your HEALTH appt for which you might have gotten questions answered too etc. You need n deserve tlc!!
Domestic violence can help you. Do not tell him you talk to them. Don't tell him anything because he could get more abusive....abuse escalates. Pathological lying abuse? Yup. Does he love you? What would you tell a good friend or daughter in your situation?
Never apologize for taking care of you! If you don't take care if you, well, how can you enjoy life then? And you deserve to enjoy life.
No relationship is a life sentence, especially if it feels like one. You DO have options.
You say you love him. I get it. But that STILL doesn't mean you should stay n let him treat you like crud.
Show him you don't NEED him n his abuse. Ask domestic violence to help you draft an escape plan. Please!!
Check out narcissistic abuse fb groups etc. Even if he is not a narc, and of course they don't get diagnosed bc they believe nothing is wrong with them. Abuse is normal to ppl raised in it. That's no excuse but you have to decide if you will continue to be abused or not. He Wont change.
Hug yourself! You need to be your biggest ally right now. You love him....but you see how his actions trigger you into "reactive abuse"...then they use that to guilt n shame you back into submission. Reactive abuse is a normal response to built up abuse. They scratch you 10,000 times n finally you've had enough n respond. A narcissist lives for this! They get a high when they can affect your emotions.
But there is no shame in fighting back. Like a 6 year old being bullied by older kids at school. If the kid fights back (calls big brother over to pound the bullies) the bullies run away crying like babies. But they went away. The abuse stopped.
Your feelings for him will make leaving harder but that is normal too. My recent ex was incestuous with his adult dd. I STILL had a hard time accepting that he was a monster.
Distance helped.
Be good to yourself....nobody else will...Journey band. Take care of YOU first or there might not be a YOU. Abuse kills the soul. Take your mouth off the tail pipe. Your SO WONT stop pushing the accelerator.
Lundy Bancroft works with abusive men. You can find his book at the library. I donated 10 to the domestic violence place that helped me. book: Why Does He Do That.... He says abusers do not change...only 3% do and they submit to intense treatment to give up abuse. 97% keep abusing because they enjoy the benefits if it. Your SO loves to hurt you n watch you squirm. Maybe it is normal to him due to his background.
Best to you. You CAN do this!!!!
I cannot thank you enough for
I cannot thank you enough for this. I have never been so confused, and reading this helped me a lot. This is beyond confusing for me and my thoughts begin spriralling.
Good luck
When I was younger, I was in a relationship with someone who did this to me. He learned my triggers and took sadistic pleasure in pushing my buttons then watching me lose it (he even filmed the reaction and used it as blackmail when I was trying to leave the relationship). At the time, I was convinced that I was a crazy, volatile person. Leaving him was the best decision I ever made, though it was very hard at the time to do. On the plus side, it led me into a period of self-reflection. I have never experienced anything like the dynamic that we had in the 10+ years since I left the relationship. The person I was with him is not who I am today.
He knows my triggers. When he
He knows my triggers. When he finds something that annoys me, he will pick, pick and pick. Whereas if I know something I say or do bothers someone I care about, or really anyone for that matter- I’m conscious of it and stop it or at least make an effort to. Thank you so much for your support!!
Reading all of your responses
Reading all of your responses has helped me tremendously. I had him leave. Gathered his things for him, and off he went. His phone number has been blocked ever since. I am treated like discardable trash. I’ve known some real a holes, but this man is a different breed. He brings something out in me that makes me sick. Before he left, he taunted me repeatedly, saying “you’re mean. Just so fussy!” He probably said it over 50 times. It was really, really weird. He was saying it in this little taunting voice. He would look at me to see my reaction. Needless to say I lost it. I feel at this point I’m traumatized more than heartbroken. Shocked and disappointed.
So, if he ever makes the
So, if he ever makes the mistake of contacting or speaking to you again play him and bare his ass.
"Yep, I very well may have been mean and fussy. But you are gone, and I am happy. Buh-bye. CLICK!"
Living well is the best revenge. Enjoy your revenge.
I love this..it made me smile
I love this..it made me smile!!!
Living well is your best revenge...
and this is what Rags told me one year ago....and I reminded myself of this pearl of wisdom on the tough days ever since...and on the days at the beach and living in PEACE!
Let the shitheads live their tormented lives and find your happy!
I’m struggling tonight. 3rd
I’m struggling tonight. 3rd night since we split. I’ve been better this go round as far as feeling gutted/hopeless. I’m thankful for that. I just can’t get out of my mind, the horrible things I said. I know that he stonewalls, gaslights and is probably a narcissist.
I just can’t shake my guilt. I berated him.
Today I realized I am losing hair, so that certainly doesn’t help my emotional state. It is a painful reminder that I am the only one who is grieving and suffering the effects of the miscarriage.
As painful as it is, the
As painful as it is, the feeling of guilt is a choice. He chose to do all of those manipulative things to you. Your response and departure was his consequece for his choices.
Your choice to leave was proactive and a positive move. You are winding down on day 3. Tomorrow should be a tiny bit better and each day going forward should improve ust a little bit until it is all just a rare unpleasant memory.
Stay commited to your new life. Make a different choice other than feeling guilty.
I went back to read this
I went back to read this several times....some moments are so hard. Doing better than I thought I would though
(((Hugs)))
(((Hugs)))
Please seek Help
Grieving is important and can be soul crunching. Please take time to take a breath and please consult a professional to help
you make sense of your feelings and thoughts. As referenced above, commit to your health and well being. You are worth it.
You will find your strength. Please remember, never prioritize someone who does not reciprocate.
Stay strong !
Thank you so much for your
Thank you so much for your encouraging words. They mean the world to me right now. I'm going to see a therapist ASAP.
Change is always hard. IT is
Change is always hard. IT is so much easier to go with the flow that we know and are acustomed to, whatever that is. BUT the flow is is not good for you. You are feeling hurt, devalued etc. That is abusive.
You will feel so much better about yourself when you work and get out of this toxic relationship. There is someone out there who will appreciate you for what you are, not just to be their emotional punching bag.