Your husband is the real problem here. He's created an entitled victim in his son, someone who believes he can mistreat others because he's a poor victim whose mother has abandoned him.  Instead of creating gratitude in his son for what you've been willing to do for him, he's allowed his son to have too much power and thereby created a narcissist.

He should have been disciplining his son and reminding him regularly that he should be appreciative that you are willing to step in where his loser mother has dropped the ball.

If you plan to stay in the marriage, stop doing anything for this kid, let your DH handle it all, he's created this monster. You can be civil to him, but certainly no more than that.

make it like this kid is dead.  Don’t talk to him, don’t do anything for him. Cook, wash, clean, don’t take him anywhere,  none of your money goes to SS.  No babysitting of him, No going on vacation with him.  It’s your DH kid let him deal with him.  

OK... First off - I'm really sorry to hear about your miscarriage. I've never had one, so I don't know what it feels like. But I can imagine it leaves you feeling very raw. 

I do agree with Curious Georgetta about the fact that this kid needs therapy and whether the kid IS powerless or not, the kid certainly probably feels powerless. From an SM's perspective, it doesn't feel like the kid is powerless, but in reality they don't have the power to go and live elsewhere and really him going to live with his drug-addled prostitute mother is not an option and is a cruel thing to say. The miscarriage might be a reason why your nerves were frayed, but it's not an excuse to talk to a minor child in that way - or really anyone - in that way. 

That's not excusing the way that he talks to you or treats you in general. But the very fact that this kid didn't speak to an adult in the household in an open, respectful (if perhaps not affectionate) way from the age of 8 should have been a big red flag that this kid needed help. And it should have been a big red flag that dad needed some help with parenting. No way no how do I let my son ignore polite conversation from adults. But sometimes kids need retraining. I was in a CRAP marriage and my ex talked to me in horrible ways and my son learned to talk to me that way, too. My ex probably has aspergers and is from a deeply disfunctional family - he can't teach my son about proper social interaction. But I can. And I have to retrain him after every extended period with my ex. One day it will stick. I do not allow him to talk to me in a rude way or ignore me and neither do I let him talk to my partner that way. My partner will stick up for me, when I'm struggling to get that lesson through and vice versa with his kids. That doesn't mean that we accept bad treatment from each other's kids, we have voices and a responsibility to model good behaviour and boundary setting to all children in our household. 

If this kid didn't get the help he needed and if dad didn't get the help he needed to parent well, that's a shame, but you can reach out for help now. And that includes not just helping this kid, but helping you get control of the hurtful things you say. That's no way to live.

"Anyone else have a super damaged traumatized passive aggressive sneaky & manipulative step kid? How do you handle it when the abuse you’re receiving is just because you’re a step parent?"

*raises hand* Yes i do, though I came into the situation when he was in his late 20's and as of now I don't have to deal with him 24/7. There was a spell where he lived with us on and off for a few months and that was sheer h*ll. He is grown but it's still difficult and impacts DH and I's relationship.

It's good that you're in counseling. You need someone to help keep your sanity intact.  The posters stating that this is a DH problem are absolutely correct.  I used to think the skid issues were all ss33's fault but it's really because DH has and continues to enable a grown man.  In your case ss is still a child and is not being parented at all.  It's terrible that you are the one who is dealing with the fallout of DH's poor choice of who he procreated with.  I hope you can find ways to disengage from the situation and let DH fully deal with the lovely young man he fathered. 

For any medical treatment.  The law looks at her as a person off the street,  with both BM and BF alive I don’t think even if given medical rights for SS.  It would not cover the treatment he needs.  

been married 4 yrs, ss was 15 when i married his dad, we had a daughter a year after the wedding snd a son 16.5 months later. Ss has not had a conversation with me in years. If you wanna call the mumbled apology hubby forcibly make him do mid last year while he grinned throughout a conversation then so be it. Me and hubbys 2 kids (his half siblings) he doesn’r acknowledge until daddy is home and inlaws so he can play nice nice but inlaws see right through his fake attention on my kids because my kids give him the awkward stare.

last year i told hubby i was done with his kids. Being treated like shit, being emotionally abused on purpose because thats a narcissists power of choice, being told by my husband to be patient for a little arsehole and its 4 years and no change. I laid it back on hubby “how dare you put me in this situation and you’re only answer is be patient and accept more of this crap.

i told hubby i was done, wanted a divorce as this was ridiculous and he enabled this behaviour to continue, he was allowing his son to emotionally abuse us including his half siblings and even emotionally abused his dad, manipulated and guilted him, thats just disrespect.

hubby told me he needed help, that he didn’t know how to manage this anymore so i told him that everytime he felt like caving into the bullshit and re-enabling sa behaviour out of guilt and out of fear of upsetting him, that this should reassure him ss needed to be brought in line and show basic respect. Everytime he behaved this way and was rude and emotionally abusing others that it needed to stop

at that point i told hubby i had enough and it was upto hubby what he wanted to do with his son but I wouldn’t care anymore. I’m done with him and if he genuinely apologised, i feel the irreparable damage has already been done, behaviour like this and when you emotionally abuse your own half siblings and enjoying/thriving on it when you should be an example to them, rarely changes.

i’ve removed myself out. I go about my day, worry about my kids, and do my thing. I don’t go out of my way for ss. Hubby knows as i have told him i will not attend and holidays with skids because they all have that same character to different degrees...

disengagement seems the only sane thing to do. I have reminded hubby that what ss has done, i doubt any of our kids will want to pursue a relationship with him and they won’t see him as a brother but rather a stranger...

my ss aged 17 told his uncle that it was my job to raise kids, look after the home and hold the baby all the time. Hubby was holding our then 5 week old daughter.

my amazing bil (recently retired army man) pointed his finger to hubby and told ss “see this is not only a womans job but a mans job too, dads are responsible for parenting and nurturing their kids”

in my case ss had never been nurtured by bm, had been tortured by her but never proven as he and his sisters wouldn’t admit anything but the clear signs are all there... bm abandoned him 6 years ago and disappeared. At times i feel he resents me because I actually nurture my kids but thats not my fault, he refuses to address this with his bio mum

Even if he does have genuine issues, he can't use that as an excuse to be a cunt and treat people like dirt, especially when they do their best for him. He's more than old enough to understand basic social conduct and what is a good or bad way to treat another person. I've just lost a longtime friend because she has this attitude and couldn't take her bullshit any more. There comes a point when you need to let go of your past issues and move on. If he carries on like this he will end up a very bitter and lonely adult. Maybe get him into counselling?

I think you and your husband need to go to counseling so that you can learn to be on the same page! It isn’t fair that he is always taking your SS side when he’s clearly disrespecting you in your home. He’s being rewarded and that behavior will never end that way! I’d be putting my foot down with your SS and definitely your husband.