If so, he needs to follow it. That way there I no surprise on the scheduling. This would irk me, too. It's easy to build resentment if you're being left out of the loop but he is crazy if he doesnt have a set schedule. You keep saying "your" house. My bet is if this keeps on, you will grow wholly resentful. You just bought a house for you that's now being split 3 ways with a kid who isnt yours, with no clue when he is coming over. Idk how long you've been together, but do you see long term this kid in your space? Cause he will be. And his dad... only fighting when the kid is there is so common in steplife. If the kid is young, you have to think he will  Bethere a long time before college. Have you considered living separate from.dad and son?

Well, there's two things here:

1. It's absolutely reasonable for you to expect some communication on when your SS will be there, and

2. Just let the kid be when he's there. Let any issues be the father's problem to deal with. 

He may be avoiding having him there when you are there because he feels like you nitpick the kid's behavior. Now, if the kid is being aggressive, destructive, filthy etc, then you have a right to ask your DH to set him straight.

Edit: I was confused about who was sitting on his phone texting at first! Now I realize it was DH.

You live together so common courtesy dicates that you discuss with each other who you'd like to come round and when. Anything else is just plain rude - and very dismissive. For your OH to arrange it with BM without first discussing if it suits you  is prretty much telling you that what you want/think doesn't matter.

If he cannot have the common courtesy or decency to have an HONEST conversation to let you know when he has visitation with his son in YOUR house, then change the locks. He needs to live on his own anyway, not in YOUR home with his kid he wants to ignore while you "play mom" and he texts.

Also, if you're working that one week-end and don't know the son is coming over, who else is he having over to your home when you're not there?

He's getting defensive, when all you're trying to do is get the story from him. This is also NOT acceptable. This child is not your kid or your responsibility. 

Does he work? 

He needs to go. Not your problem.

My DH has been wonderful about keeping SS totally away from MY HOUSE even when I am out of town. 

There’s nothing wrong with asserting ownership of something that you own.  She is not married to this guy. She bought the house. What gives him the right to claim any ownership? 

If he pays rent then the landlord is still the owner and gets to set the rental rules.  This is her house. She is letting him live there.  But when he acts like an entitled ass he could end up on thin ice. 

He is wrong for not telling you; particularly when you ask. 

That being said, you are really stressing on it being YOUR house... because your credit is better than his. But, what was the intent of the home purchase? Was it supposed to be both of yours? Did you both contribute to the down payment, both pay equally on the mortgage/property tax/insurance. What if repairs are needed? Upgrades/remodeling? Can you afford the home without his contribution? Is it a shared home, or is he paying you rent? Are you pulling that card frequently or even occasionally? 

Could it be that he is trying to "maintain control" of his son's visitation to make up for his other lack of control in YOUR home? I'm not saying, or even implying, that is a correct form of action and in fact if that is the case it is kind of retaliatory in nature... But? 

Honestly, it sounds like the relationship is breaking down, dispite "everything being great when his child isn't around". His child is a large part of his life and always will be. I think you both need to sit down and have a big discussion about a lot more than when his son visits. 

When dh and I first got together it was flaky...up in the air and never regular... I asked him to let me know when. He was all like..it's my son! 

Yes. 

I'm asking you to tell me if he will be here. Period.

He still didn't get it.

One day... I purposely wore something risqué and dh cane home to sexy dressed me with 2 glasses of wine and candles...  and ss. (He was 2. No clue what was going on and I wasn't NAKED, couldn't see anything.)

Dh always told me after that.

Maybe stop being vague and straight up tell him you overheard a time being mentioned, so is he getting his son that day... be smily.

If he's still pissy...leave it be. 

Then, invite someone you know he finds really annoying over and don't tell him... then when he bitches... just say that he doesn't bother to tell you when his kid is going to be there, why would you have bothered to let him know?

But...I have to ask... if you know he has his son over.... is he actually ignoring your texts (while you're at work I assume?), or is he...ya know... spending time with his kid and so maybe that's why it takes him longer to reply?

And...if you're ways telling to tell his kid not to do stuff...maybe stick to the really big ones (like damaging your stuff or being rude to you) and let him raise his kid?

even though i was disengaged from skids, as a member of the household you do deserve and have a right to know who is coming over. 

Nothing more annoying and frustrating and disrespectful when you are relaxing and bam door being unlocked and skid walks in doesn’t acknowledge you and walks straight to their room

since 2 yrs now, my husband tells me when ss is coming over. Ss21 is at university so home every few weekends so he has a habit of last minute the day he is coming over saying to his dad he will be cominng home tonight and hubby messages me right after.

whatever plans we have do not get changed to accommodate ss or sd’s because they made a choice to not consider us and advise us in advance etc so we continue along with our original plans. If hubby has some time after our errands and plans are done then he’s happy to take ss for supplies shopping etc although ss is perfectly capable of driving and doing this himself

one of the members here “Rags” always mentions “euqity life partner”, thats what you are when you are in a committed relationship or marriage. This means your partner/spouse should be given the respect of knowing who comes ovet.

Just because your parents or kids with ex are welcome to come over doesn’t mean you negotiate this plans and surprise your wife or partner when they arrive or tell them an hour before etc and not discuss beforehand do we have plans etc...

i mean recently here we’ve had a few new moms just given birth and they’ve had skids come over and be palmed off to them to care for along with a newborn. Thats just not ok!! New mumma needs time to bond with her baby, get a routine in place and breastfeeding itself is such an intensive thing to do and when skids are over and negative all the time, you’re already depressed and stressed and that becomes worser when skids run wild and their dad is out chilling with friends..

the basic respect isn’t there, wifey is treated like a babysitter or hubbys little bit*h maid which she isn’t. She is his wife!!

type a message on your phone what you wanna tell hubby, check it properly that you’re happy and send it to hubby. Whenever we have issues i always message hubby, even if he’s at work but thats how we are happy to address things because if we do it verbally, it can get heated and hubby gets defensive etc

you can’t sugarcoat what needs to be said. Ask hubby if he respects and loves you, he will reply yes for sure, thats when you do a 360 and say he doesn’t when he doesn’t discuss with you or mention what guests are coming over. Skid is not an active member of your household living fulltime or committed to your family household unit, so he is a guest by definition.

hubby needs to be telling you ss might want to come over this weekend and do we have anything planned?