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Advice for being closer to step son

Stepjci's picture

I am so frustrated. I have been living with my step son (pretty much 50/50 between us and BM) since he was three years old and he is now turning 6. I remember reading some things on here about a year ago and saw just how bad relationships can be between SP and SK. Me and my step son have had a good relationship. All he’s really known is this situation. When he does talk about when him and his mom and dad lived in the same house he includes me because I’m his mind I must’ve been there. I’m thankful for our relationship. When he was younger he adored me, was always affectionate with me and I really “loved” him. In the last year and a half we drifted apart. He’s no longer close to me, he still likes me but it feels very distant and sometimes I feel he likes me mostly because I’m not the disciplinarian and turn my head often to avoid conflict. I know the distance was also from me being pregnant and having my daughter, I spent a lot of time with just her and I think he felt I didn’t want to be around him. I put the word “loved” in quotes above because after having my daughter I’ve experienced biological love. I feel shame saying it but it’s really not the same. I know some people say this is natural and some may think I’m terrible for committing to a blended family while not being able to be fair with my love. I feel like I can overreact with him, a lot easier than I would with my own child. For example when he is mean to my daughter I get so angry and protective, in a way I don’t think I would to my daughter if she was older and treating my younger in a mean way. I’m here to ask for advice. I don’t want to live this way. I really want to love him like I love my daughter. I don’t want to treat him unfairly. Is this possible? Any advice? Thank you 

elkclan's picture

A couple of things. 

It's ok to feel differently about your bio child than your step child. It's natural. What's not ok is treating them unfairly or in grossly different ways. 

It may never be possible for you to love him like you love your daughter. He will probably never love you like he loves his mother. All of that is OK. 

What you can do is find your own level of love and that can be good just at the level it is. It's a different kind of love, but still love. 

This weekend all the boys were saying some nonsense in the car as they always do and something about not appreciating parents and my partner said "you only have a limited number of parents so you should probably appreciate them". And OSS snaps back "Well, I have two and a bit parents". 

Right - I'm the 'bit' parent. I could get upset by that - but actually I found it incredibly touching. It was lovely. SO was so moved he took OSS aside to say he was glad OSS felt that way because that's what we were trying to do - be a parenting support to each other's children. Not replace the bio mom or dad but be an extra. 

The other thing I'd say is you might be surprised how you'd react if your bio child was the older one and not treating a smaller younger one well. That's the situation I'm in and yes, I do get cross with my son when he uses his size or age to take advantage of YSS. And I get cross with OSS, too who does it even more than BS.

And finally, if you feel that your relationship with SS is slipping, then leave your DD with your partner and spend some special time with him. A lot of older siblings feel left out even in intact families. The relationship you have doesn't have to be the same, but it is still a relationship worth nurturing. 

Anon9876's picture

I love this sentiment.

My youngest SS once said "I have three families, you and dadday, mama and DH and my other daddy and SM".

I found it incredibly touching that I was included in his 'family'.

Kids are different though. When he brought up his 'families' to his sister she was quick to shut him down and say 'you only have one mom'. Of course she didn't say 'you only have one dad' because technically my SO is his stepdad. Wonder who she was trying to cut out of the picture...

Stepkids can be great, regardless of the terrible things they're capable of.

And even though I truly believe my SD is the most selfish person I have ever know and pretty terrible, we've had some good moments together that I wouldn't take back.

If you want to be close its very possible. Be as you always have been and try to incorporate your SS when doing random activities. Go shopping together. Go out to eat, etc.