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My worst fear happened to another SM I know...

Last-Wife's picture

My friend, T, got a call Friday night. Her stepson, Jr., was killed in a car accident. She and her husband had custody of the boy, and she had raised him from a really young age. He got mad at his father earlier in the week (on college break) and said he was going to his mother's. Turns out the bio-mom hadn't seen the kid all week... So he lied about where he was and he'd been "off the radar" for a few days, one family thinkin he was with the other...

If you saw my "Officially Disengaging from Princess" on Friday, you know that is EXACTLY the same thing that happened to me this week.

But T wasn't so lucky. She's now lost the only "son" she ever had. And she raised him as her own.

I didn't even know until yesterday when I found out about his death that she was his step-mom! We are newer friends, just having met in the last few months, and she never once said he was her step-son...

So now 2 families are devasted; he lied, and everyone else has to try to get on past that.

That's my fear. That the same thing would happen to one of my skids, and loca Grande would be covering for them, just like she did for Princess this week.

Does anyone else see a problem with that? I'm supposed to stop caring at 18 cause she's in college, and just give her freedom, and let her get away with lies? I wouldn't do that with my own kid, why should I with my skid?

Comments

LizzieA's picture

Every family is different but once my girls were 18 and in college, they did their own thing. I didn't monitor their movements. If they wanted to stay with a friend, I didn't care. They did tell me (if they had been staying at my house) but I gave them zero input or hassle. But I left home at 17 and took care of myself so I'm not into the extended parenting control period like many today. I am sorry you are upset about Princess, but what would have happened if she told you where she was going? Could you/would you forbid it? My parents were too controlling and frankly I was worse because of it. I lied a lot.

Last-Wife's picture

That's the thing. We wouldn't have liked it, but we wouldn't have told her "no." She knew her dad and I had plans for the weekend that included her, that we were looking forward to sharing with her, and she was just like, "Oh, I'm going to Loca Grande's..."

Then we find out she's halfway across the state?

I'm not one for being lied to... We always raised our kids- step and bio- to be honest, even if it might be painful.

But Loca Grande is a pathological liar, and the skids see that she gets away with it sometimes, even when they hate that she lies, and so they think "well, why can't i too?"

mom2five's picture

That would be my biggest fear with any of my kids...step or bio.

My oldest is away at college...about 700 miles away Sad

I don't know what he does day-to-day anymore. I can't control where he goes...how late he stays out...what he eats...He could be lying to me about all kinds of stuff and I would have no way of knowing.

All I can do is trust that I've raised him to make good decisions. You have to let go and give them their freedom.

Last-Wife's picture

Even when they are in your house and lie straight to your face- "i'm going to mom's"

And you find out they're someplace else, like we did?

Or meet a worse fate, like my friend T?

I'm trying to figure this all out. I know she needs her freedom, and we have given it to her, but if she's really grown up enough at 18 to have that freedom, shouldn't she be grown up enough to be honest with us?

mom2five's picture

The thing is, Last-Wife, there is only so much you can do when you are trying to "parent" an adult.

If the child is living with you, you should expect her to be honest about where she is going. Can you approach it from a safety standpoint? I ask my college kid to keep me informed when he travels simply because if there were an emergency, I need to know the best way to reach him. I don't ask him to keep me informed because he "has" to. I ask him to do so because it is the responsible, courteous thing to do. I have reminded him that even as a 44 year old grown-up, I let my parents know when we travel.

I'm not sure what your relationship is like with this young adult. But I've found with my oldest, that when I treat him like an adult, he'll act like one.

It's hard. People with young children think they have it tough...they have no idea. I do a lot of praying.

Last-Wife's picture

It WAS so much easier when they were little! Yes, her father and I have always approached it as a safety issue. But she lied anyway. And her bio-mom lied for her.

And I think you're right, I think it's messing me up a little because I'm 36, and I still show my parents that respect and courtesy- "heh, this is where i'll be if you need me..."

I think that's what is bugging me. We raise her, we teach her right- I know we did- and then we let her on her own, and we don't see her acting in any of the ways WE taught her, all we see is the bulls%^& kinda stuff her mother would pull...

I'm trying to disengage, but I want to set it right in my head, so when the time comes with SS 16 and SS15, and even BS9, that I'm ready for it...

Does that make sense?

mom2five's picture

I think it makes perfect sense. You said your raised her right and you taught her right...then you have to let go. She'll make mistakes. All kids do dumb things. I just found out that my idiot college kid "forgot" to pay his insurance, loaned his car to a friend, and then his friend got into an accident. Thank God no one was hurt and the damage was very, very minimal. Can you even imagine how bad it would have been if someone had been hurt? I don't even want to think about it.

The thing is...he KNOWS better. He knows how important car insurance is. And this incident really shook him up. He learned a powerful lesson. Thankfully, nothing about his lapse in judgment caused permanent damage.

Sometimes you have to let go and let kids make mistakes. They have to learn that there are consequences for their lapses in judgment.

Can you talk to your SD and tell her that when she is less than truthful with you, it chips away at your trust in her?

no1smaid's picture

I agree with you that lying is not cool. Two things in life I can't stand, liars and theives.

I think you need to address with her why she felt she could not be honest. And tell her bluntly: You are grown, it is not like we can stop you from doing what you want, we only ask that you do it safely and be honest with us about it. You might also point out that asking her BM to lie for her has strained BM and DH's relationship even further. Which is not good for BM, DH or any other kids they still have together that are younger.

Last-Wife's picture

Yes, it does add strain to an already strained position between the three of us. For the most part, Loca Grande and I usually get along, until she does something dumb. This falls under that category.

It's weighed heavily on me today. But if I'm going to use it as my disengagement "starter" i've told myself by 11pm tonight, it has to be gone from my mind. Or at least as gone as possible...

My SD knows I hate lying. She was raised to be honest. She knows she and her brothers always hated it when BM did it to them, and now she's wearing the "lying shoes." She;ll just have to wear 'em a while.

I won't let it bother me tomorrow, but dammit, I will hold a grudge! LOL

mae fender's picture

Thats so sad. A similar occurrence in my family years ago, my (half) brother went to visit his mom across the country and was killed in a rather suspicious "accident." Odd thing was, his mom's (extrordinarily jealous and angry) boyfriend was the last person seen with him...as the story always goes, this guy was the son of a judge and came from an affluent family with many connections. However, what goes around comes around and a few years down the road, the guy unexpectedly died. Served him right.