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I really need help here!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MIL advise!!! What would YOU do?!?!??!?!

LaMareOssa's picture

I Really Really need help with my MIL!!!! I need ALL of your thoughts and advise. DH and I are really lost as what to do. Please help!!!

I will make this as short as possible. MIL is a very controlling woman. When DH was a child she kept him on a very short leash. When DH had SD he had to stop talking to his mom for a long time because of something she did/said to SD and him. Then fast forward to when our DD(5) was born. I talked DH into lettng his mom see our daughter. Their relationship got better and MIL was always seeing/watching DD for us and always taking her places. Then things got weird. MIL started acting like DD was HER daughter. Now, get this...MIL has always treated SD like CRAP! I know, it's usually the ooposite around here lol. Then we had BS2 and nothing changed and she has basically ignored our son his entire life. She still favors DD5.

MIL has always been really good to DD. But, shes spoiling DD to the point where she is starting to have attitude towards DH and I and act entilted (which I will NOT tolorate). Mil just got back from out of country a few days ago to take all of us, including SD to DisneyLand. MIL treated SD and our son really crappy and was giving our daughter everything she asked for and did everything she wanted. Then in the airport..MIL lost it. DH and I went to get the kids something to eat because it was getting late and when we got back (10 minutes later) they were starting to board first class. We're in coach fyi. MIL started yelling at DH about how he shouldnt have gotten the kids food and now were not the first ppl to get on the plane. Long story short...MIL starts calling DH an asshole in front of BS BD and SD. Calling him a jerk, asshole and other names. DH did say "fuck you" to MIL an she threated to "kick his ass" DD starts crying and we tell her to stand with us because she needs to stay in line to board like everyone else (mil was trying to cut to the front) And telling DD that daddy is an asshole!!!!!!!!

Now...Heres where I need help. MIL is a teacher. Shes out for the summer and here in the USA for the summer. She comes over to our house to get DD and I tell her that DH and I have decided that its not fair for her to pick up DD and take her to the fair, zoo, parks, shopping and exclude BS2. She says that she will NOT bring our son. MIL say she is here to see [DD5] I told her that this will be the last time she gets DD without bringing BS with ehr. It's not fair. He knows that his sister gets to leave with gramma while he stays home. She said "well, if you want to play this game then I will bring both kids if you come along and watch your son while I play with DD" I said no, I shouldnt have to supervise you with your grandchildren. I have things to do. If you want to see DD, then you must bring BS with you. You can not continue to ignore and exclude him, he understands now. You see one, you see both. MIL has always wanted a daughter.

Now, DH and I are to the point where we dont want our kids around MIL. She acts like SD and BS are nothing and treats our DD like royalty. What should we do? I dont want to hurt DD5 by telling her that she cant see grandma, but I dont want our son to feel left out!! I'm so lost on this!!!

And, I may have left this out...She treats my step daughter like crap, so it's not that she favors girls over boys..she has two grand daughters and one grand son. She totally ignores SD and has done so for many years and is starting to ignore our son as well. Also..some of the things she says about DH, SD and I to DD is close to PAS. Very strange.

What would you do???????????


VioletsareBlue's picture

I wouldn't have let her take anyone anywhere after what she did at the airport. This lady is nuts ... you've already answered your own question - she doesn't get to see the grandkids anymore. If she starts her shit again, you kick her out of your house. You have to make the rules VERY CLEAR.

Boopdeedoo's picture

Don't be lost... lay down the rules and stick to them! Don't let any of your kids feel left out. I am in a similar boat. MIL treats SS5 like the Christ, SS11 not totally like crap but she really doesn't acknowledge him much, and my BD8 she treats like a steamy turd she just stepped in in her yard. In our blended family, when we are all together, we are family. There are no bloodlines, they are all treated equally. If other family members can't accept that, then they need to be kept away.

Totalybogus's picture

The airport thing is a problem. I agree, I wouldn't let her near the kids until we had a come to jesus meeting on what is and is not appropriate in front of MY kids.

I disagree with insisting she take the little one though. I have two grandchildren, a grandson that is 4 and a granddaughter that will be 1 next month. The older one is obviously much easier to deal with and can actually enjoy the amusement parks. I take my grandson for a week in the summer. I do not take the little girl yet though simply because she is too young. I don't pick them up to WATCH them. I live 5 hours away. I pick them up to enjoy them for a while. When my granddaughter turns 3, I will take her for a week by herself and take my grandson for a different week by himself. I want to lavish ALL of my attention on them individually.

I'm sure when your son gets a little older, she will do more things with him.

LaMareOssa's picture

I totally understand. MIL has offered to watch BD5&BS2 when I am at work and until DH gets home from work. I have other sitter arrangements, but she has insisted that she wants to do it. Smile

MIL has told us that when she gets here for the summer she can't wait to take BOTH of the kids with her to parks ect..Yet, she left BS and took DD..She saw BS crying at the window for her, but she just smiled at him. Sad

LaMareOssa's picture

I don't want to be around my MIL. We used to get along, until she started talking bad about DH. Her own son. I can not tolorate that. And not only is it that I dont want to be around her, I can't be gone to the zoo, parks shopping 8-10 hours a day. When she takes DD, she is gone usually all day. I'm not pushing him on her, she has said herself that she wants to do things with him too. But, she just smiled at BS when he was crying for her as she walked away with DD. And this is nothing new, she has treated my step daughter like crap for many years.. :?

mcnat's picture

This woman has some serious issues! I do not blame you one bit for wanting her to treat all of your children equally. However, after the airport episode, i wouldn't want her around any of the kids for quiet some time especially your two yr old who she already seems to dislike.

LaMareOssa's picture's very strange. I know MIL has always wanted a daughter, but she has a 9 year old grand daughter from DH (my SD) and MIL treats SD like crap. Same with my BS..shes not evil to him, but she pretty much doens't acknowledge him.

simifan's picture

Quite franklym I wouldn't let her near any of the kids after what happened in the airport. I certainly wouldn't leave your son unattended as she's made it clear she doesn't want anything to do with him.

briarmommy's picture

I wish I had some advice for you but I don't even know how to deal with my own mil. I just want you to know I feel for you. If you want a laugh though you should go to it makes me feel better sometimes to read what these other people go though.

Done WIth It's picture

I wouldn't want my child around someone who has such a foul mouth and can't control their temper, especially in public. What she did was a disgrace. If I were to have watched that, I'd thought the woman mentally unstable and dangerous. Anyone snaps and goes ballistic cursing, they have no respect for themselves or anyone around them. Who wants to listen to that junk...much less be the target of it.

You have no idea what this woman does when alone with your daughter. You don't know how she handles situations with strangers. If someone cuts in line..does she mouth off and possibly put your daughter in danger?

Blows off the other daughter. Why is that? Does this girl misbehave? Again, if the SD is wrongly ignored, another mentally unstable example. You don't do that to kids....or people.

Now two years old...I can understand being choosy where to take someone that young. And I can understand wanting to have individual time with grandkids. I think that's good. But this woman is focused on one kid, without caring what the others feel. And, whenever your daughter messes up with Granny...oh boy, I'd bet the fury that will follow will be awful.

It's all wrong. It's wrong that she doesn't offer the same fun time to the other children, it's wrong that she's not able to contain her anger. It's wrong that she becomes a public spectable and cause for humiliation to family.

This woman hasn't earned the right to be alone with these kids. She's tew hateful and hurtful. SHe doesn't share her time. She's not a mentor or a role model. You don't want your children to behave like her or be in the situations she creates.

I'd explain it to your daughter what granma is doing and how it's hurting the others. It'd be interesting to see how your daughter responds. Does she have empathy for the others not getting to do and have the fun things. Does she understand how it feels to be left out? If she does have that empathy, you don't want it ruined by that woman. If the girl is indifferent and "too bad soooooo sad", unfortunately, I'd think she's already following in granma's footsteps, her feeling tainted, and that wouldn't be good...uh uh, no way!!

Good luck, I can't imagine anyone being so mean and petty, especially to little ones. That's really sick.

Jsmom's picture

After the airport incident, I am amazed that she is even allowed near the kids unsupervised. She sounds like she needs meds....